Monday, August 11, 2008

Reliving History Pt. 2

When Laura and I broke up I had no idea that I would be starting over from scratch and I had no idea that it would also mean that I would be losing so much.

First of all, after Laura and I broke up I was in shock. There really is no other way to put it; I was in shock. I had no idea how we had ended up here and suddenly I was being told that I was not good enough and there was someone that Laura loved more then me. For the first two weeks I did not move from the couch. At one point I was just laying on the couch starring out the window and Laura begged me to turn on the TV so it was not so quiet in the house. It didn't help that the person Laura had left me for called her non-stop. Every time I heard her cell phone ring it was a reminder that I was not good enough. Looking back I probably should have told Laura to get out of the house, but I was too scared to. I had been laid off my job just 2 months before, so I was sitting here with no job, no idea how I was going to pay the bills and the love of my life walking out the door.

But the months after the break up I noticed something amazing was happening. I was OK with how my life was turning out. Somewhere along the line I realized that even though it seemed like I was losing everything, this was actually a good time for me to decide what I really wanted out of life. It's amazing feeling knowing that I am at a point in my life where I can decide how my future turns out and who is in my life.

Most people would probably wonder how in the world I can be happy going from a 3 bedroom home that I owned to a small studio apartment. One thing that I have learned in the last year is the more things you have the more troubles you can have. Yes, I live in a very small (but cozy) apartment, but I no longer worry about a yard, utilities going higher or repairs. Now when I go home in the evenings I can just be and not have all those worries to think about.

After the break-up I waited a couple weeks and started dating again. This was the wrong thing to do and I can admit that now. I forgot that the hurt my heart was feeling was just like a physical wound and I needed to allow time for it to heal. I knew I would be ready for a relationship when two things happened:

1) I was not comparing my date to Laura.

2) I was able to see the good times that Laura and I had together.

It has been such a relief to not be comparing other women to Laura. When Laura and I first broke up I thought that I would never find anyone like her because to me she was perfect. I am now seeing that she was not perfect and honestly our relationship was not that healthy. But I am at the point where I can accept my responsibility for that because I know I am not perfect either.

As far as the good times....when I was doing my anniversary post I read through a lot of my old post and I had forgotten a lot of the good times we had. And believe me, there were a lot of good times.

Over the weekend I realized that I am kind of reliving history here. Last time when it seemed like I was losing so much it turned out to be the best thing for me. Yes I lost my family and entire church community, but I was able to respect myself and be truthful about who I was.

This time I have had to give up a lot of material things. The new life that Laura is living is one that I would have never been able to provide and I am OK with that. I have learned that I would much rather be with someone that is with me because of me, not what I can offer them financially.

It's has been a long and bumpy ride the last year and a half, but I am thankful for what I have learned about myself and those around me. I am so thankful for all the support I have from my blogger friends as well as my IRL friends.

It's nice being at a point where my heart is in a place where I can not only love someone else, but allow someone to love me.


Renaissance Woman said...

Good for you! Glad that your journey has a happy ending. I can only hope to be as strong as you are in the end.

MJ said...

I'm glad you can look at your past more objectively...demonstrates growth.

redfrog27 said...

Great post I agree with mj demostrates growth.

Lynilu said...

I'm glad you are at the place of realizing your worth without Laura or anyone else. That is huge. And I'm glad you are in a happy place, physically and emotionally. And I am glad that you are thinking clearly.

Most of all, I'm glad you're my friend. :)

Monogram Queen said...

It was rough going hon, but you did it! Thank God Awlmighty You Did IT!