I've always been jealous of the people that have always known they were gay. Looking back I can see that I have always been gay, but at the time I had no idea. I have never been a girly girl and would rather play outside with matchbox cars then in the house playing house. I think my Mom had really hoped that I would be a girly girl because she was always telling me that I should dress up more and wear make-up. For a couple weeks I would try, but eventually I went back to what my parents called my "comfortable look". I don't think my Mom ever really understood that I was not comfortable wearing make-up. I will give her an A for at least trying to get me to wear make-up.
Looking back I can clearly see that my first crushes happened at camp. I remember really liking a couple girls and I just thought they were really cool. Yea, I had crushes on them. I remember having pictures of them and putting them on the walls next to my bed. I won't even tell you about my photo books filled with pictures I had cut out of Alyssa Milano and the girls from The Facts of Life. The fact that Jo was my favorite on The Facts of Life should have been a HUGE clue. :)
I think my parents have always known that there was a chance I was gay. When I was 14 or 15 we were at church and they were discussing Jesus. I leaned over and asked my Mom is Jesus was gay since he never married. That question did not go over very well with my Mom. A few years later she told me that I should be careful with my friends that were girls. She then went on to tell me about a time she was in a hot tub and this lady was being very nice to her and ended up making a pass at my Mom. Why would you tell your teenage girl that unless you thought she might be gay?
When I was maybe 20 I saw a program on HBO about Gay families and I remember seeing this lesbian couple with a child and I remember it feeling so right. I still had no idea that I was gay.
When my ex-husband and I got married in 1995 I still didn't know. I just knew that something was not right and this could not be it. Getting married was something I had wanted to do since I was a little girl, but I was miserable.
The fall of 1999 it was all starting to make sense. For the first time I had a crush on a woman and admitted that I didn't want to just be friends. I wanted to know what it was like to kiss a woman and to make love to her. I was married, we were trying to have a baby and an active member of my congregation. I had to make a choice.
I had no idea that losing everything is what would finally set me free.
.....to be continued