Sunday, August 10, 2008

Reliving History

I've always been jealous of the people that have always known they were gay. Looking back I can see that I have always been gay, but at the time I had no idea. I have never been a girly girl and would rather play outside with matchbox cars then in the house playing house. I think my Mom had really hoped that I would be a girly girl because she was always telling me that I should dress up more and wear make-up. For a couple weeks I would try, but eventually I went back to what my parents called my "comfortable look". I don't think my Mom ever really understood that I was not comfortable wearing make-up. I will give her an A for at least trying to get me to wear make-up.

Looking back I can clearly see that my first crushes happened at camp. I remember really liking a couple girls and I just thought they were really cool. Yea, I had crushes on them. I remember having pictures of them and putting them on the walls next to my bed. I won't even tell you about my photo books filled with pictures I had cut out of Alyssa Milano and the girls from The Facts of Life. The fact that Jo was my favorite on The Facts of Life should have been a HUGE clue. :)

I think my parents have always known that there was a chance I was gay. When I was 14 or 15 we were at church and they were discussing Jesus. I leaned over and asked my Mom is Jesus was gay since he never married. That question did not go over very well with my Mom. A few years later she told me that I should be careful with my friends that were girls. She then went on to tell me about a time she was in a hot tub and this lady was being very nice to her and ended up making a pass at my Mom. Why would you tell your teenage girl that unless you thought she might be gay?

When I was maybe 20 I saw a program on HBO about Gay families and I remember seeing this lesbian couple with a child and I remember it feeling so right. I still had no idea that I was gay.

When my ex-husband and I got married in 1995 I still didn't know. I just knew that something was not right and this could not be it. Getting married was something I had wanted to do since I was a little girl, but I was miserable.

The fall of 1999 it was all starting to make sense. For the first time I had a crush on a woman and admitted that I didn't want to just be friends. I wanted to know what it was like to kiss a woman and to make love to her. I was married, we were trying to have a baby and an active member of my congregation. I had to make a choice.

I had no idea that losing everything is what would finally set me free. be continued


Renaissance Woman said...

Thanks for sharing your story. I had similar experiences but then some so different. I had dreamed of telling my parents that I was in love with a woman many times in my life. But I never met a woman that I felt comfortable enough to pursue...until my last relationship. For the first time in my life I felt complete. Like I was 100% natural feeling. So did I choose...I guess some would say yes because I too had been with men before. But I don't feel like falling in love with her (and having previous crushes on women) was a choice. Just part of who I am.

Caroline said...

renaissance woman--i think deep down i didn't have a choice because at my core i was gay, but at the time it felt like i had a choice. i think the next part of my story will explain how it wasn't a choice, but who i was; i just didn't realize it at the time.

p.s. i love how you described your crushes as precious. what a wonderful way to describe them.

Arial Ray said...

My first crush was on a girl at camp. It took years for me to acknowledge who I am. I was so fearful of losing my family that I suppressed everything for years. Now it is a deep need, to be authentic and tell my family who I really am - and eventually I will have to explain why my male partner and I are separating. I don't think it was a choice either- for a long time I was driven by biology and the conditioning that I received as a child and adolescent. I always was the person I am now, but it took me most of my life to develop my self-awareness to the point where I could admit it, and be happy about it.

Monogram Queen said...

What's sad is there are so many others out there Caroline.. still trapped. :(