I finally had some time to scan some pictures tonight and I came across this picture. On the left is my brother who is holding my cousin J, I am in the middle (the one with the shitty grin) and then my cousin J. My cousin R came along about 3 years later and the 5 of us were raised as if we were siblings. It has been so much fun going through these old pictures and remembering all the good times we had together. Some of my funniest memories are the times I spent with my cousins. I really have no idea how we didn't spend more time being grounded because we did some pretty crazy stuff. And yes it's the religious kids that you need to worry about the most.
For so long I think I was so angry with my family for just kind of letting me go. To me it seemed like it was very easy for them. It really is amazing how anger can hold you back and prevent you from growing. I was never really taught how to express my anger in a healthy way, so when I suddenly found myself with years of anger coming to the surface I had no idea what to do. I know I have done many things wrong with trying to deal with this anger and I can see that now.
And when I think about it I am no longer angry about my parents, just kind of sad and disappointed. For 4 years I have put on this shield and just acted like it was their loss and they were the ones that were wrong. I think it's been only recently that I am getting to the core of my feelings and it seems like those feelings have been pretty raw lately. I used to be a person that would do anything do avoid crying or showing any kind of emotion. This past year I have had no choice in showing my emotions because they seem to just appear out of nowhere sometimes.
I am thankful to have people in my life that know how to tell me in a loving way that I need to be doing things differently. It wasn't until just a few weeks ago that I realized I was just running in circles and was not getting anything accomplished in regard to moving past things with my family. That realization literally knocked me over because I really thought I was going in the right direction and now so many things make no sense to me at all.
Today at work we had a graduation for some clients that have completed the program. One of them said something that really got me thinking. She said that things finally started to get better in her life when she stopped what she was doing and did the complete opposite.
I think it's time for me to make a U-Turn.