Monday, May 12, 2008

Reflection

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.~Benjamin Franklin

I realized I am just going in circles with my parents and I need to change what I do in order for the results to be different. It's time to let go of my parents. June 1 is the 35th anniversary of when they adopted me and I think having a letting go ceremony on that day would be exactly what my soul and heart needs. It's time stop letting them control me. I also think June 1 will be a good day to reflect on all the good times I had with my parents. Some of my favorite memories are the ones I shared with my parents.

I feel better just thinking about all of this. I think the next 3 weeks will be hard, but something I have to do in order to move forward.

This is my new favorite picture of Bonk:
Just looking at her sweet face calms me down and reminds me what it's all about. You have no idea how much I love this cat.

A special note to all my friends: I know it's been a long year with me, but I am so thankful for the countless hours you have listened, all the times you have called just to check in on me, all the meals you have invited me to share with you, all the words of encouragement and love and for letting me know that I am never alone. It's because of all of you that I have learned how to not let life get me down and it's your hand that has helped me get back on my feet. Each of you are a reflection of the love that God has for me. I thank you and love you.

10 comments:

Kerry said...

I hope that June 1 is a new beginning for you. I am truly sorry your family has no clue what they are missing out with you. You are worthy of a loving family.

Eye of the Rainbow said...

Sounds like a good plan you have for June 1. Its something you have to do for you. We will all be here for you for the next 3 weeks :)Hugs

Lynilu said...

Old Ben was a pretty smart guy, wasn't he?

It is good you are taking charge. And it is good that you are doing a ceremony and reviewing your life with and without them. It's OK to hang on to the good memories. There were a lot of memories that are nice, and after all, those experiences made you YOU. Find your balance of holding the good and letting the rest go. I have no doubt you can do that. You've done such a great growth in these recent years, some of it spurred by hurts, some of it by coming to know who you really are. That's what life is.

Hugs for your decision, hugs for your growth, and hugs for your heart, my dear friend.

MJ said...

"Letting Go Ceremony" great title for what you need to do. Your parents are missing out on a very special person.

B.E.C.K. said...

I agree that your parents are missing out on knowing their wonderful daughter.

Big, big time.

Monogram Queen said...

Yes I think on June 1st you should buy two balloons and let them go. Float free, release all of the negativity, anger, sadness, disappointment etc.
Hugs my friend. You will be just fine. Just fine.

Anonymous said...

Yep it's me the Crazy brother. As to your E-mail and why I am here reading this crap yet again. Mom told me you tried to contact her yet again and for the life of me or them can not figure out why you can't get this through your head. I really can't at all. You make your Mother and Father out to be these people who just let you go and have not a care in the world about you. You and everyone else that knows the whole situation knows this not to be true at all one bit. 1). Dad has no religious belief one way or the other the only reason dad has a problem is because you put him in debt and not just a little bit and when you made the very bad decision to let Laura bring you down when he was helping you and made no attempt to even try to pay your debt back but instead told him to fu** off. That is why dad has a problem with you and you still to this day say it was a gift and they owed it to you. Then why in the hell did you sign a promissory note to dad and a payment schedule to him (that he still has). Knowing are dad and the way he is your lucky he does not sue for it all back and you know that at least he gives you that. As for Mom she does have religious beliefs and you know what they are and they work. You want everyone to except you for who you are but you expect everyone else to change the way they believe to except the way you choose be. You are a big girl and choose to be or do what you are and no one can be at fault for that but you. You knew what the ramification's of your choice would be when you made the decision to tell everyone in that group what and who you where. You need to make the decision, if you want to live your life the way you choose then you can not expect anyone else to change the way they have believed for 60 some odd years just because you want them too. Little unfair don't you think. You know unless someone oddly found a new bible or changed the way it was written I do have to say this there are 1000's of different bibles on this planet and not one says it is ok to do what you are doing. And don't get me wrong I don't have a view one way or the other but it sure does not say it is ok does it? So if I were you I would leave God out of it because I don't care what bible you pick up JW catholic baptist. it does not matter it says its wrong. And that is why Mom has a problem now you now if you choose the life style you have Mom will not associate with you and that is your choice you can not be mad at her for that. As for me the only problem I have is you chose to take advantage of Mom and Dad and a lot of times the stuff you post on here is just not true at all. You have ways to make things right and you choose not to and that is your choice. Trust me I lived life like that for a long time but I chose to change the way I taking my life and the things I was doing and WOW life is good. Plus I have 4 sons that look upon me for guidance in life and I needed to set a good example for them. Caroline you hold the power to change anything in your life no one controls you and and for sure not Mom and Dad you have not even talked to them in years. You choose who you are and the way you live knowing the reactions you will get from the people you have known your whole life. But always remember the choice will not change the views of those who are set in their ways. Now to fix things with dad shit just make an attempt to pay back what you owe and maybe somewhere in there you mend what you have chosen to destroy when you chose Laura over Dad.
As for me like you even care just don't ever try to take advantage of them again (Example) you once wrote if Mom and Dad would just have let you be who you are they would have saved 20,000.00 ie wedding remember that. It's stuff like that, that makes you seem so mute and vengeful towards them. I mean maybe you should have told them you were gay before the spent 20,000.00 on a fake wedding you think. Caroline I by no means have been a perfect son to our parents but I choose to change the way I lived my life and the way I treated the people in it and I have had to go back and mend a lot of fences. But it has been so worth it to do so. Maybe you should reflect on the fences you tore down and mend them

Audra said...

I'm pretty sure the bible teaches to love one another, and through all your posts Caroline, I see a lot of love that you give. Don't let others get you down :)

Lynilu said...

Audra, I'm pretty sure you're right on that. And I believe it also tells us to not judge each other. That is a job for the Lord, as I recall. So who is ANYONE on this earth to say Caroline is right or wrong?

Sonya said...

I'd LOVE it if "crazy brother" could buy some punctuation now and again. OMG! Proper use of words would also help. I sure hope he's not teaching his 4 sons how to write!

You see... people can be "set in their ways", but by doing so they lose out on a lot in life.

The wedding thing... BAHAHAHAHAHA! If you could have just done things their way, eh? Like they gave you this $20k wedding and you owed it to them to make it work? I'd also be willing to bet that the extravagant wedding was to fulfill their needs. Personally, I didn't discover that I was gay until after I married the guy I had dated for SEVEN years. Hmmm... I seemed pretty straight to me! Figuring out who I was - was hard. But damn, things were so clear once I got that first glimpse. It all began to make SENSE! But that is hard to see when you've grown up in an environment that doesn't acknowledge these HUMANS.

And you’re Dad and the whole debt thing. Well, that is between you and your Dad. But it is unfortunate that he has shut you out because of whatever is going on... according to your brother who shouldn't be in the middle of it. It is also unfortunate (if any of it is true) that your Dad isn't taking SOME responsibility. After all - he is the one who put himself out there farther than he was clearly okay with.

I don't know why they can't see why you "can't get it through your head". It is called LOVE and FAMILY.

Your lifestyle (i.e. being gay) isn't your choice. It is who you are. But you already know that. Maybe someday "crazy brother" will figure that out... maybe not.

Don't forget, God does love you.

Chin up, my friend. Chin up!