Saturday, December 15, 2007

Snow & Kindness

Last night the snow started to fall. The snow is helping with this funk I seem to be in. And the fact that so far all my techs have made it in could make this a good day. Last night they were saying 6-8 inches, but it looks like we may get just 4 inches. You have no idea how calming it is to watch the snow fall as I watch one of my favorite movies.

I like this picture because it looks like there are colored snowflakes. I wasn't the only one thrilled with the snow. When I got home I let Sophie out and she spent at least an hour out in the snow. Finally around midnight I made her come in because I was ready for bed. She is currently laying at the back door watching the snow. It's always fun to watch her when we get a lot of snow. She rolls in it and runs around the yard like there is gold falling from the sky.

I took this picture on Wednesday of the ice. Wednesday and Thursday were just beautiful with all the ice around. The city did an excellent job at keeping the streets clear, so driving never was an issue with this ice storm. I went out driving on Thursday and it was like I was trying to avoids bombs while driving. The ice was melting from the power lines and trees and huge chunks of ice were falling. One piece did hit my car and it scared the crap out of me. I thought for sure it had cracked my windshield, but thankfully it did no damage. I quickly made it home and didn't go out until the next morning.

I think I am trying to avoid the elephant in the room with all my rambling. Here's the thing and boy is this hard to admit to myself and others: I need help.

I have been trying for almost ten months to handle all this on my own. I have been trying to take care of things at work without asking for too much help and I have been avoiding talking about what is really going on in my personal life because I didn't know how to say that I can't do this on my own. I don't think this of other people, but I am afraid that asking for help is going to show some kind of weakness. I know it sounds silly for me to think that considering what I do for a living, but I guess I have really high expectations of myself. I have decided to talk to my boss on Monday and tell her that I need some help with all the things going on at work. As much as I would love to handle them on my own, I don't think I can right now. I need to accept that asking for help does not mean I am less capable.

I have a hard time accepting that others are nice to me just because. Yesterday at my counseling session my therapist did something out of kindness and it literally shocked me and I am still having a hard time accepting it. When this act of kindness was given to me, my response was, "Why are you being so nice to me?" Thinking back on that makes my heart very sad. It's sad that I think I don't deserve kindness from someone and that I have to even question it.

Then there are all of you. I get emails from people who I have never met, but who are concerned about me. I have people that I have never met that are helping me out with some of my money problems. Because I am not used to this kindness from others, it seems almost overwhelming. It's like I don't know how to accept this kindness and I don't know how to respond to it. I am working on accepting this kindness with no questions.

Looking at the world it is easy to become cynical. But when I look out at the world I still see so much good and kindness. It's almost like my blog is a mirror and I am seeing the reflection of so many people that care for me and are on my side.

Thank you for being my mirror.


Katie said...

Glad you got your snow.

Anonymous said...

We are expecting 12 inches of snow
overnight so send the dog.

People are kind to others because they truly care. I dont know you but I always check to see if you are ok. There is no shame in asking for help, I'm sure we have all done that in some form or other. I just wish you werent alone. There is someone out there for you....she just hasnt arrived yet.

Ruth in Canada

Lynilu said...

Patience, dear girl. With yourself as you learn to think differently, to trust others, to believe in yourself. I know that is hard, but slow down and breathe. You're going to be fine. But be patient with you and with what's coming your way.

Audra said...

I am glad you got some snow. Ithink a lot of people are nice to you, because you seem like such a nice person. I couldn't imagine ever being anything but nice to you :)

Julie said...

It feels better to comfort than to be comforted. We're all in this crazy thing together, aren't we? Sometimes I read your words and I remember any number of certain times in my life when I was down. I don't know why it is, but when you are down it feels like you cant remember "up." but you'll get there. And when you do, the first people that will touch you are the ones that might be stuck with something.
Does this make sense?

patti_cake said...

I hope I see some snow this winter, I might have to travel to do it though.