Thursday, March 15, 2007

Confidence

I have learned a lot about myself in the past week. It is hard learning about yourself and realizing that you have some changes to make in your life.

When Laura and I met my family was still talking with me. Upon them learning of my relationship with Laura they made me chose between them or her. I chose her. To this day I feel that decision was right. My parents were making me feel like I had to fit into their mold of what they thought I should be or who I should be with. It was very confining.

Through all this with Laura I am realizing that I was doing the same thing to her. I felt that I needed to ask her permission or guidance for everything. I was wrong to do that. I made her feel the exact same way my parents were making me feel; confined.

As I type this I am feeling more confident about myself and the situation that Laura and I are facing. I feel that I can handle this and no matter what happens I will be OK. No matter what happens it is not the end of the world as I know it. In the end I will either have a partner or I will have a best friend.

I need to take responsibility for what I have done to create this problem in our relationship. Looking back there are many things that I could have done differently. I am going to make those changes in my life whether Laura and I are best friends or partners. I have to for me and only me. When Laura and I got together I was a very confident person. Some where along the way I lost that confidence. I am working hard at regaining that confidence so that I can become the person I need to be.

Confidence is something that I have always struggled with. I think it goes back to what I was taught about myself when I was growing up. When I was 10 I wanted to be an architect and I gave up that dream because no one showed any confidence in me. I would sit and draw houses and landscapes for hours and hours with such detail when I was a child. At some point my parents got tired of looking at my drawings and I stopped showing them. As a Jehovah's Witness we were taught not to have any confidence in anything but God. I do have confidence in God, but I also need to have some confidence in myself. So confidence is something that I am committing to myself to work on. If I don't have any confidence in myself then how do I expect anyone else to?

On a side note: I got a call yesterday from another agency wanting me to interview with them. I did agree to an interview and have one next Tuesday. As excited as I am about the job that I have already been offered, this other job is also very interesting to me and I would be thrilled to work for them.

8 comments:

Monogram Queen said...

Confidence... something just about everyone struggles with from time to time. At least you know where you want to begin working and I have all faith that you will get there.
Good luck on the other job interview. It doesn't hurt to have more than one iron in the fire!

Casey said...

Self-confidence is something that can be a challenge. I know that, at times, I struggle with it as well. It's really great that you are using all that is happening to "better" yourself. "Keep on keeping on" as they used to say. :)

Minnesota Nice said...

Caroline, I'm so sorry my blogroll did not tell you me you had a new post in DAYS, and I come to see all of this, so excuse me for being in shock a bit late. I've always thought of you and Laura as the perfect example of a happy couple: you love your home, your pets, you do fun things together. I'm very very sad to hear this and I'm sure it wasn't sudden but it seems sudden.

I really wish you both would try counseling because you have so much going for you, individually and as a couple. True that a lot of people lose their 'power' in a relationship and can fall into co-dependence...but that can be worked on, for the benefit of both people!

I just think you guys are great.

SassyFemme said...

I love that you're so confident in the fact that you'll be okay. You will be because you believe it, you'll make that happen.

Self esteem is such a precarious thing at times, it comes and goes, and changes all the time, almost like the ocean (corny, I know).

I just want to point one thing out, as I hear you talk about your need to take responsibility for the problems in the relationship... Problems grow because of two people, and their actions/reactions/interactions; not just one person's. I still hope you guys get some counseling. {{{{ }}}}

Parker said...

WW Volunteer here - Caroline, we have a great deal in common, I am also A MSW - and we share a love for animals. I feel so badly for what you are going through. I don't know what I can do to help you through this, but I am here in KC if you ever want to talk. My cat Parker has a blog now - if you wanna check her out, www.perfectlyparker.blog.com
We'd love to see you become a WW volunteer too! Lotsa kitties and doggies would love to love ya'!!!

yankeegirl said...

Caroline- you inspire me! Keep that confidence. I'm also envious. I'm job hunting right now, so to have a job and another interview, well that's just great! Take care of yourself- keep going to the gym. It will help you emotionally and physically. (hugs)

Dee said...

Good luck at the job interview! It is always good to have options.

I'm still amazed at how well you seem to be handling this situation with Laura. You may not feel that you have much confidence, but you are indeed a strong, strong woman.

Holly said...

I have a confidence problem. Major.
It's a need, I think, to please EVERYONE, starting with the ones closest to me.
This may sound lame, but before I went on job interviews in October, I bought a confidence CD set (Keith Harper) and listen to it in the car a lot.
Hey, whatever works. Sometimes.