I Want to be a Quitter Too

I want to quit smoking. Last week I read Sandra's blog and she was telling us how she is reading this book that is suppose to help you quit. What I liked from what Sandra wrote was that you can (and are encouraged to) continue to smoke until you finish the book.

So, this morning I was sitting at my desk thinking about when to go out for my morning smoke break and I decided I need to go buy this book. It's time that my life is not run by cigarettes. I am so tired of smelling bad, burning myself and most of all spending the money. We get paid twice a month and I always go buy 2 cartons of cigarettes. I smoke about a pack a day (some days more, some days less), but by buying the cartons I always felt I was saving money. So, twice a month I shell out at least $55 for the two cartons. Every once in a while Marlboro is generous and will send me a few coupons. The coupons barely cover the taxes. So, I have had it. It's time to change.

At lunch I went to Barnes&Noble and bought this book. I have read through chapter 2 and already feel calmer about quitting. I can't wait to see how I feel at the end of the book.

The first time I had a cigarette was at summer camp. I was 16 and we all wanted to see what it was like. We were on a sailing trip and there was a marina with a cigarette machine. We shelled out the money and went to the woods to smoke. I didn't like it, but there was no way I was going to tell the other girls I didn't like it. We even took back a pack and smoked it behind our cabin. Thank God we were not caught. I have no idea what they would have done. When I got home I got my first job and everyone there smoked. I smoked to join in with them. Keep in mind, when I say smoke, I mean I would put the cigarette in my mouth, but not inhale. After a few weeks I felt so guilty that I told my Mom who told me I should tell the elders. I called one of the elders and he said that he was happy I told them, but no discipline would be taken since I had stopped. Whew.

Fast forward to 1999. I am in a very unhappy marriage and having feelings for women. I started hanging out with this woman that also worked in social services. We would hang out at bars and she smoked. One night she asked me if I wanted a cigarette. It had never occured to me to smoke. To please her I said yes. I then felt I needed to smoke to be "cool". I was able to go weekends without smoking and one pack would last me a week and a half. Then I went out with a friend from work and she watched me smoke and she said, "you're not doing that right." She told me that I wasn't inhaling and if I really wanted to feel the effects of smoking I needed to inhale. Damn her. Again, to please a woman I did what she told me to. I was hooked immediately. Within two weeks I was smoking a pack a day and had come down with bronchities.

Now here it is 7 years later and the one woman that actually loves and cares for me has begged me for two years to quit smoking. And until now I have just blown her off. Why is it I would start smoking for a woman that didn't care about me, but the one that loves me dearly and wants to spend forever with me I can't seem to quit.

It's time to do what I want to, not what everyone else wants me to do. I need to do this for me. Because if I am doing it for anyone but me, it won't work.

So, here's to quitting smoking and forever being a non-smoker.