June 16th was the day I was baptized as a Jehovah's Witness. Growing up I was best friends with my cousin who is 3 years younger then me. I remember Jill and I being close, but it wasn't until I was 16 and had a car that we really became close. Then it seemed that we were inseperatable. We were always together. When you are a Jehovah's Witness it is between the ages of 10 and 20 when you really start to think about getting baptized. Once you are baptized it's like you are locked into a contract that you can never break. You make a commitement to God and more importantly the religion of Jehovah's Witness. I don't remember making the decision to get baptized. I think I felt like it was a duty that I must complete. I had managed to get out of this duty for the 6 years before that due to me being at summer camp. But when my younger cousin decided she was going to get baptized I think I felt like I should as well. I know my Mother probably had a huge sigh of relief knowing that at least one of her children would be baptized as a Jehovah's Witness. The only thing that was special tha day was the love and support I got from my Grandmother. (Mom's Mom) I remember she gave both me and my cousin a bracelet. My Grandma was so happy for me and Jill. But I think in the end my Grandmother would have been happy if I was happy. Yes, my Grandmother's religion was important to her, but her Grandchildren were more important.
The first time I was disfellowshipped my aunt came to my house and told me that every time I smoked a cigarette I was spitting in God's face. My aunt was so hateful. I remember standing in my garage and she was just yelling at me. Now, when you are disfellowshipped it's a major life event. Everything you have known and all the people you have been around that have been your family and friends will suddendly scatter once that announcement is made. I wish I had had the courage to stay out the first time I was disfellowshipped. I wonder how much further in life I would have made it if I had been strong enough to stay away from the cult. But you can only imagine the pull of the church once you are out. The first few months you feel good and like there's a huge weight off your shoulders. Then real life sets in. You have never been trained to deal with life and all the things that are thrown your way. After one year out the last time I couldn't handle it anymore on my own. Life was too much when I didn't have the tools to handle it. And I was within a few weeks sucked right back into their lifestyle.
I am very thankful or the life I now have. On Rosie's blog somebody asked her the name of her God. Her resposne was very simple and very beautiful. Her response was LOVE. I love that resposne. Today my life is filled with lots of understanding, lots and lots of love and more importantly it's filled with respect. I was never respected while a Jehovah's Witness. Women are looked down on. Men are always superior to women. The women have to do what the men say. Again, there is no respect. When I was just 11 years old I had an elder make sexual comments towards me when I started developing. To this day I still remember how that made me feel. Even if I had told my parents they would have not said anything about it. This man was and elder. He couldn't have meant it in the way I took it.
The first time I was disfellowshipped my aunt came to my house and told me that every time I smoked a cigarette I was spitting in God's face. My aunt was so hateful. I remember standing in my garage and she was just yelling at me. Now, when you are disfellowshipped it's a major life event. Everything you have known and all the people you have been around that have been your family and friends will suddendly scatter once that announcement is made. I wish I had had the courage to stay out the first time I was disfellowshipped. I wonder how much further in life I would have made it if I had been strong enough to stay away from the cult. But you can only imagine the pull of the church once you are out. The first few months you feel good and like there's a huge weight off your shoulders. Then real life sets in. You have never been trained to deal with life and all the things that are thrown your way. After one year out the last time I couldn't handle it anymore on my own. Life was too much when I didn't have the tools to handle it. And I was within a few weeks sucked right back into their lifestyle.
I am very thankful or the life I now have. On Rosie's blog somebody asked her the name of her God. Her resposne was very simple and very beautiful. Her response was LOVE. I love that resposne. Today my life is filled with lots of understanding, lots and lots of love and more importantly it's filled with respect. I was never respected while a Jehovah's Witness. Women are looked down on. Men are always superior to women. The women have to do what the men say. Again, there is no respect. When I was just 11 years old I had an elder make sexual comments towards me when I started developing. To this day I still remember how that made me feel. Even if I had told my parents they would have not said anything about it. This man was and elder. He couldn't have meant it in the way I took it.
I do not miss anything about being a Jehovah's Witness. NOTHING. I know my family probably thinks I am living a miserable life and am very unhappy. Nothing could be furthest from the "truth". Every night I go to bed knowing that I am loved for me, not my religion or beliefs. And every morning I wake up ready to take on the world with love. Jehovah's Witnesses take on the world with deciet and lies. I was tired of living my life in this manner. And it is wonderful waking up everyday knowing that I am praising God with love and truth.
8 comments:
C, when you were disfellowshiped the 1st time, you weren't ready to stay out and be on your own. You were still uncertain about religion, sexuality, your needs, who you really were, many things. You went back because you so desperately needed to belong . . . to your family and even to the JW (I can't call it a "church"). There is where your roots were, the only things you'd ever known. Think about how much stronger you were in the year before the second disfellowshiping. You weren't complete until Laura came into your life, but you were stronger on your own in that last few months. You knew you would leave again, and you were looking for ways to be strong for yourself. Laura made it possible.
Yes, I think "love" sums it up. Remember our talks about faith? I kept coming back to the fact that God didn't create us because he was bored and had to do something with his hands. He created us out of love, and He loves us with absolute unconditional love, even when we don't know it. Even when we are filled with lies. I'm sure He loves your mom, too, even if she is not seeing His love outside the tunnel through which she is traveling her life. He loves us all, not just those of this denomination or sect.
You are now coming into your self. You are experiencing so many things that are good about yourself and about your world. I'm so happy to see this. You are a lovely person, and I have no doubt that God loves you anywhere, any time, any way. He is enjoying watching you grow into a strong woman. Me, too, hanging on His coat tails!
I applaud your courage for getting out and staying out. Be proud and stand tall - you are a wonderful person and you are growing daily.
I saw the comment about love on Rosie's blog, too, and loved it. Totally agree that's what God is all about.
Keep following your heart, and stay happy.
Honey I am so happy that you made these changes and are now living life to the fullest. Everyone should have that experience. We passed the Kingdom Hall of Jehovahs Witnesses last night and I thought about you. I feel very sorry for the people who are caught up in the lies,deceit and judgement there.
lynilu--thank you for your words. it is amazing to see me now and think of how i was when i was out before. the difference is amazing and scary.
casey--i loved your comment. thank you so much for your support
sassyfemme--i love rosie..she says some of the most amazing things doesn't she.
patticake--every time i drive past a kindgom hall i cringe. i am so glad i broke out of their tangled web full of lies.
Applaud your blog!
Dissident JW member speaks out.
The core dogma of the Watchtower organization is that Jesus had his second coming 'invisibly' in the year 1914.Their entire doctrinal superstructure is built on this falsehood.
Jehovah's Witnesses door to door recruitment is by their own admission an ineffective tactic. They have lost membership in all countries with major Internet access because their false doctrines and harmful practices are exposed on the modern information superhighway.
There is good and valid reasons why there is such an outrage against the Watchtower for misleading millions of followers.Many have invested everything in the 'imminent' apocalyptic promises of the Jehovah's Witnesses and have died broken and beaten.
Now if you wanted to know about the quality of a product,would you listen to the seller or a longtime customer?
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Respectfully,Danny Haszard http://www.dannyhaszard.com
I have always felt like religions that give men all the power are set up by men in order to create an environment where women and children can be violated without anywhere to turn. And it sickens me. I am so glad you have found a life full of safety and love.
What a great blog entry! I'm glad you got out and made a real life for yourself away from all the lies.
My fiance and my stepson were both JW's. Their lives have been torn apart by the idiots in the Watchtower. We have so much work to do to make my 12 year old stepsons life normal. It's a hard slog. He left his Mum's and the cult behind a year ago in October.
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