I am a person that remembers dates and numbers almost like a computer. I am often teased about this because it doesn't seem human to remember exact details of exact dates and times that this occured even if it was 20 years ago. I have always done this, and I probably always will. So, sitting here tonight I am having a hard time not thinking about what was going on 10 years ago this weekend.
It was November 19, 1995 that my ex and I got married. I remember thinking I was very happy, but I was lying to myself. My ex and I were getting along horribly and things just weren't the same as when we first got together. My parents spent a small fortune on our wedding. Because we were Jehovah's Witnesses and my ex's family were not JW's, we had to have the wedding somewhere that his brothers could be in the ceremony. (see unless you are a baptized JW, you can not be in a wedding if it's in the church building, also known as Kingdom Halls) So, we chose to have the wedding at the Ritz Carlton. We had the ceremony and reception there with a full sit down dinner. Most of the guests (90%) were JW's. Now, when you are a JW you almost commite to living in poverty. You are taught that money is evil, so you should only have enough to survive. My father is a lawyer, so that is how my parents were able to afford something like this. So, for most of the JW's, they had never in their life been to a wedding let alone a hote like this. My Mother to this day brings up how much they spent on the wedding (about $30,000) and tries to use guilt to make me feel bad. Sorry, I don't.
I remember thinking the night before the wedding that I really didn't want to get married. I knew this was what I was suppose to be doing, but something seemed wrong. It took another 5 loooooong years to realize what was wrong.
So, thinking about that weekend and then looking at my life now, there is no comparison. My life has made a dramtic change. Even on the days when we are both bitchy and not in good moods, my days are filled with more love and happiness. I used to dread coming home at night. Now, the minute I get to work, I start counting down the hours until I am able to go home and be with Laura.
I've learned one thing in life: eventually your karma is going to catch up with you. Whether that's good or not, is up to you.
6 comments:
I'm not sure I've commented on your blog before, but I've been reading it for a little bit.
I can relate in my own way. On the morning of my wedding to my ex I can remember sitting in a chair while everyone was running about, and thinking to myself, "Good, now no one will know the truth." What was that truth? At that point there was no way I was ready to admit to myself I was gay, that was a couple of years later. I didn't want to be married, just be princess for a day. I wasn't in love with him, just the concept of being in love. It took meeting and falling in love with Fran to know what love really was. Even after 12 years I can't wait to get home to her after work, and I hate leaving her in the mornings.
Totally agree about Karma, we've seen it and lived it, and believe in it.
I think you have commented before. I like how you said, "princess for a day" because that describes what I wanted. The good thing about my life now..Laura makes me feel like a princess every single day.
You are where you belong...sometimes it just takes some mis-steps to get there...good for you & I wouldn't feel guilty either.
Shelly
I totally agree with you Shelly. That is why I try not to have any regrets in life. Every little thing I have done in my life has lead me to my life today.
Amen about Karma.
Found you over at Pack of 2. :)
Peace!
I'm glad you are happy and living life on your own terms. It takes courage to do that...
Interesting what you say about JW's and their attitude with money. I work with a few JW's and that is not their attitude about money at all. They seem a bit consumed with material things. It could be that it is part of the industry we work in and the island in general.
Anyway, again, glad you are happy! ;)
Post a Comment