My mood is slowly improving. Yesterday was a terrible, horrible, I just want to forget about it kind of day.
Saturday when I meet up with Susan I didn't realize I was being moody until I saw her. Our visit got off to a rough start and I was feeling really anxious. I was nervous that she was going to go running in the other direction because I was being a bit "sensitive" and moody. Instead she did exactly what I needed...she didn't say anything and then took my hand and said, "I am so proud of you." After a Rum and Coke I was a lot calmer and the drink kind of took the edge off my anxiety. I am not a big drinker, but that one drink (and the two after that) really calmed me down and at one point Susan looked at me and I knew she was happy to see the happy Caroline again.
Sunday I was home by 10am because Susan had some things she needed to take care of. When I got home I walked in and my apartment smelled like smoke so I decided to do a major cleaning. After I finished cleaning I went to KFC because I was really wanting some comfort food. Once I finished lunch I laid down and just started crying. I ended up laying in bed crying for more then 2 hours. It was as if I couldn't stop crying. I even debated about not coming to work today because I wasn't sure I could pull myself together by the morning.
After a couple hours I decided to call Susan because I really needed to hear her voice. Her voice calmed me down and she just let me talk and cry; which is exactly what I needed her to do. Isn't it amazing how she always seems to do the right thing at the right moment. I am so in love with her.
Today I am doing much better. I don't feel like I am going to cry every moment and I feel more confident about not smoking ever again. I think my crying yesterday was good for me and I was able to let go of a lot of things I was holding onto for long time. (I will explain more in a future post) I noticed today at lunch that I am even laughing and making jokes again. One of my co-workers has a sign in her office that says, "What if this isn't PMS and this is actually my personality." Yesterday I was beginning to wonder if the sadness, anxiety and anger was actually my personality and the cigarettes were just masking this part of me. But today I feel a little bit more human and more like myself and the world doesn't seem so dark.
I hope I remember the last two days when I think I might want or need a cigarette.