Monday, October 06, 2008

Not so Dark

My mood is slowly improving. Yesterday was a terrible, horrible, I just want to forget about it kind of day.

Saturday when I meet up with Susan I didn't realize I was being moody until I saw her. Our visit got off to a rough start and I was feeling really anxious. I was nervous that she was going to go running in the other direction because I was being a bit "sensitive" and moody. Instead she did exactly what I needed...she didn't say anything and then took my hand and said, "I am so proud of you." After a Rum and Coke I was a lot calmer and the drink kind of took the edge off my anxiety. I am not a big drinker, but that one drink (and the two after that) really calmed me down and at one point Susan looked at me and I knew she was happy to see the happy Caroline again.

Sunday I was home by 10am because Susan had some things she needed to take care of. When I got home I walked in and my apartment smelled like smoke so I decided to do a major cleaning. After I finished cleaning I went to KFC because I was really wanting some comfort food. Once I finished lunch I laid down and just started crying. I ended up laying in bed crying for more then 2 hours. It was as if I couldn't stop crying. I even debated about not coming to work today because I wasn't sure I could pull myself together by the morning.

After a couple hours I decided to call Susan because I really needed to hear her voice. Her voice calmed me down and she just let me talk and cry; which is exactly what I needed her to do. Isn't it amazing how she always seems to do the right thing at the right moment. I am so in love with her.

Today I am doing much better. I don't feel like I am going to cry every moment and I feel more confident about not smoking ever again. I think my crying yesterday was good for me and I was able to let go of a lot of things I was holding onto for long time. (I will explain more in a future post) I noticed today at lunch that I am even laughing and making jokes again. One of my co-workers has a sign in her office that says, "What if this isn't PMS and this is actually my personality." Yesterday I was beginning to wonder if the sadness, anxiety and anger was actually my personality and the cigarettes were just masking this part of me. But today I feel a little bit more human and more like myself and the world doesn't seem so dark.

I hope I remember the last two days when I think I might want or need a cigarette.


penny stock pick said...

thats amazing story.

redfrog27 said...

awwww hugs hun its rough but it will get better.

amy h said...

That's totally not your personality -- don't worry about that. When my dad was quitting, we were on eggshells around him. That's just how it is. And it will go away. I'm glad Susan is smart enough to see that.

Lynilu said...

I'm sorry it is being hard for you this time around. But I'm proud you're sticking to it. Susan is worth is, isn't she? :)

Three R&Cs?? WOW! That is NOT like you! I'm glad you had them, though, if it helped.

You're doing a very hard thing. Just keep reminding yourself why you're doing it and knowing how much healthier you'll be in the end.

I love you, girl. :')

MJ said...

You can do it, I know it's so.
Grumpy moods will come and go.
Healthy lungs will soon be cheerful,
Until then call me if you need a beerful.

I just want to be your personal cheerleader during this time..

Julie said...

I'm a cryer too - it's GOOD for you!!!

Renaissance Woman said...

I'm so glad that you are feeling better. I think that quiting is the best thing for you...but I'm sure that the chemicals are playing games with you!

Anonymous said...

Okay, I can picture MJ jumping up and down while she is doing your cheer.
Everyone needs to have a good cry, it cleanses the soul.
I admire you for quitting smoking, you are doing a great job. :)
Keep up the good work!

Monogram Queen said...

Emotions can sure run the gamut can't they? Thank God you've got Susan! :) Hopefully today is a new, brighter day honey!

Monogram Queen said...

Also wanted to add... my nephew is quitting smoking too, he's 25 and has smoked for probably 12-13 years. Unfortunately the reason is he was sentenced to 8 years in prison yesterday and there is NO SMOKING/ No Cigarettes at all. Aren't you glad you are not in his dark place? :)

beans said...

Glad things are looking up!

beans said...

Oh, and I meant to tell you that when my mom was quitting when I was little, she was so extreme that she canceled christmas . . .so hang in there and it will have to start looking up--sounds like it already is!