Thursday, September 18, 2008

She was my Best Friend

Tonight Susan and I were talking and we started talking about my family and I think it's really hard for anyone to understand how my family could completely disown me. Sharing with someone about my family is one of the hardest parts of starting a new relationship or even a friendship. I think it is really hard for some people to understand that my family will never come around. I knew what was going to happen when I came out to my parents, but I still have moments when it catches me off guard and my emotions get involved again. Tonight I had one of those moments.

I actually think it all started earlier in the day. I was outside with one of my co-workers when her 22 year old daughter stopped by. I have heard this co-worker tell numerous stories about her daughter (who was adopted as well) and I always felt that her relationship with her daughter was very similar to what my relationship was like with my Mom 4 years ago.

My Mom was my best friend. We would talk several times a day and I always knew that she loved me. Obviously all that changed in July 2004. It's been an adjustment learning to live a life without my Mother. It's even harder knowing that my Mom can not accept who I am and love me no matter what.

I have saved every email my Mom has sent me since June 2004 and this is the only nice email and the last nice thing she ever said to me. I was explaining to Susan tonight that I have worked hard to get to a place where I can also see all the good times we had and somehow looking at all the good times makes the fact that they are no longer in my life a little easier. So tonight I read her an email that my Mom wrote to me in June 2004 on the anniversary of when they brought me home from the hospital. Here is that email:

The month of June is a happy month for me. June 1st 31 years ago I had a daughter
delivered to me. June 9th 33 years ago I had a son delivered to me.

You have no idea how it feels to want a child and be told it will never happen. Adoption
being the only answer, you still never really think someone will make the ultimate
sacrifice and give up a precious give up their own flesh for a totally unselfish
reason. I really thought we would never receive the first one. That was the answer to
my prayers, Jimmy. But then that wasn't enough. I wanted another one, a little girl.
But I felt really selfish because I already had one child, so I figured we didn't stand a
chance at another one, but we tried anyway. WOW !!!!!! It only took a few weeks.
Caroline, you were the surprise child, the miracle. I really never expected you, so you
are so very precious to me. I can't even guess how the birth mother feels in this
situation, I can only imagine. But I thank her for giving me the most important thing
in the world. Her daughter. I love you with all my heart.

I hadn't read this email in years and when I read it out loud tonight to Susan I started crying. I didn't expect to cry, but it was just one of those moments that made me thankful that even if she doesn't love me or want me part of her life now, at some point she was thankful for me and loved me.


B.E.C.K. said...

I wonder if the situation isn't that your mom doesn't love you any more, but rather that she's unable to make the real you fit into her idea of what should be. I would imagine that she's confused and sad and showing it in hugely inappropriate ways (e.g., sending nasty emails in the past). I'm not excusing her behavior at all. I just think, as a mom myself, that that your mom most likely does love you but can't make sense of who you are to her now. She sounds (going by past entries) like she's terribly conflicted and "stuck." I'm so, so glad you're doing loving things for yourself and that you have someone in RL to share these things with. You are a special person and deserve all the love the universe can provide. *big hugs*

Lynilu said...

I think you mom puts so much distance from you because she does love you, as b.e.c.k says, and it hurts her that she is told by the leaders of the cult that she can't have a relationship with you. There is probably a mix of anger and hate with it, too, and she unfortunately directs that at you because she can't direct at the real causes, those nuts in the so-called church.

It's not you, and I think you know that on a conscious level. But it's still gonna hurt at your emotional center. Nothing can change that. Having someone else who love you as you do now can help to soothe the pain, but a mother can't be replaced.

Let's keep hoping that one day your mom will turn a corner and have an aha moment.

redfrog27 said...

I agree with b.e.c.k and Lynilu. I also believe that when your mom is on her deathbed this choice and her actions will be a regret and something she will have to answer for. Just keep loving yourself and letting other people love you.

Monogram Queen said...

Rejoice in the good times and try to forget about the bad... I know it's hard, darn near impossible.

Renaissance Woman said...

I wisht that you could forward that email back to your mome and ask her how she finds peace in turning her back on a gift that somebody game her. That your birth mom gave you to a family that she thought would ALWAYS love and support you...unconditionally! I am so sorry that your mom would choose the cult over her family. It is nice to have memories. But it will be the thing that I agree with others...your mom will regret turning her back. Do you have interest in finding your birth parents?

MJ said...

I'm glad you can remember that your parents loved you and I think they still do....I agree with beck and lynilu...they are stuck and can't find thier way ouy.

Kelly W. said...

I don't even know you and I don't know what to say but my heart aches for you. You posted once when I lost my niece and I found you through my blog that way. This post made me cry. You're a beautiful writer. Wishing you all the best in this world...