Tonight Susan and I were talking and we started talking about my family and I think it's really hard for anyone to understand how my family could completely disown me. Sharing with someone about my family is one of the hardest parts of starting a new relationship or even a friendship. I think it is really hard for some people to understand that my family will never come around. I knew what was going to happen when I came out to my parents, but I still have moments when it catches me off guard and my emotions get involved again. Tonight I had one of those moments.
I actually think it all started earlier in the day. I was outside with one of my co-workers when her 22 year old daughter stopped by. I have heard this co-worker tell numerous stories about her daughter (who was adopted as well) and I always felt that her relationship with her daughter was very similar to what my relationship was like with my Mom 4 years ago.
My Mom was my best friend. We would talk several times a day and I always knew that she loved me. Obviously all that changed in July 2004. It's been an adjustment learning to live a life without my Mother. It's even harder knowing that my Mom can not accept who I am and love me no matter what.
I have saved every email my Mom has sent me since June 2004 and this is the only nice email and the last nice thing she ever said to me. I was explaining to Susan tonight that I have worked hard to get to a place where I can also see all the good times we had and somehow looking at all the good times makes the fact that they are no longer in my life a little easier. So tonight I read her an email that my Mom wrote to me in June 2004 on the anniversary of when they brought me home from the hospital. Here is that email:
The month of June is a happy month for me. June 1st 31 years ago I had a daughter
delivered to me. June 9th 33 years ago I had a son delivered to me.
You have no idea how it feels to want a child and be told it will never happen. Adoption
being the only answer, you still never really think someone will make the ultimate
sacrifice and give up a precious gift.......to give up their own flesh for a totally unselfish
reason. I really thought we would never receive the first one. That was the answer to
my prayers, Jimmy. But then that wasn't enough. I wanted another one, a little girl.
But I felt really selfish because I already had one child, so I figured we didn't stand a
chance at another one, but we tried anyway. WOW !!!!!! It only took a few weeks.
Caroline, you were the surprise child, the miracle. I really never expected you, so you
are so very precious to me. I can't even guess how the birth mother feels in this
situation, I can only imagine. But I thank her for giving me the most important thing
in the world. Her daughter. I love you with all my heart.
I hadn't read this email in years and when I read it out loud tonight to Susan I started crying. I didn't expect to cry, but it was just one of those moments that made me thankful that even if she doesn't love me or want me part of her life now, at some point she was thankful for me and loved me.