Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Extra Love

Every time I think that I have made some progress in regards to my family I seem to have a small setback. Sometimes I get so angry with myself because I don't understand why I can't just let them go completely. Maybe the child in me is still hoping they will come running back to me saying how they made such a big mistake and are so sorry. Even though I know that will never happen, I guess there is a part of me that wishes that were the case.

On Sunday Susan was talking about how close she is with her Mom and how she really is her best friend. As she was talking my mind started to drift to how I used to be able to say that about my Mom as well. Before I knew it I could feel the tears in my eyes and when Susan asked how I was my voice cracked and she knew something was wrong. I didn't want to say anything because I knew once I started talking then I would lose all control over my tears. Instead of pushing me to talk she just held me tighter and let me cry without saying a word.

The one thing I hate about starting a new relationship is having to explain my family. Part of me is still really ashamed and feel like it must be something I have done, but then I come back to reality and realize my family is not normal. I always have this fear that when I tell someone that my entire family has disowned me they will think there is something wrong with me and run in the other direction. I am thankful that has never happened so I have no idea where this fear is coming from. I know that if I had someone in my life that has gone through what I have been through with my family, I would love them even more.

I wish I could blame this crappy mood I am in on my period, but that's not the reason. It's weird because I am completely in love (and very happy), but for the first time in 2 months I woke up this morning just feeling kind of blah. I still have a sore throat, so I maybe I am just not feeling well.

Whenever Sophie or the cats are not feeling well I always make sure that they get extra love. On a day when I need a few extra hugs, I wish my girl was not 2 hours away.


Monogram Queen said...

She is with you in spirit but I know that is cold comfort... I hope you are feeling better soon sweetie!

MJ said...

There's a part of me that wished your parents would come to their senses. But you have a good circle of support that you can lean on if you need to.

Lynilu said...

Aw, honey, you can't change overnight away from the values with which you were raised and the family relationships that were in place. It's going to take a long time, and frankly, you will probably always miss them from time to time, no matter what. The guilty feelings? Long entrenched from the family script.

Being sick is probably not helping the situation. We are always more vulnerable when the bug has got us. I hope you're feeling better all the way around soon. Hugs.

Renaissance Woman said...

I wish that your parents would realize what a major mistake they have made! So hugs to you!