Sunday, December 16, 2007

Lilly Pads

When I was growing up my Dads parents lived in a small town in Northern Minnesota. Their house was right on a small lake and I used to love to go swimming in this lake. One of the things that I was fascinated with was the Lilly pads. They kind of creeped me out as well because I could feel the vines (??) as I would swim in between them. I loved everything about my Grandparents house in Minnesota. I loved the way it smelled, the way it was cold in the winter unless you were right by the fireplace and I loved the lake they lived on. I still remember how excited I was the one year we drove there and I woke up as we were pulling into their driveway. Keep in mind their driveway was about 1/2 mile long. As we pulled in and I woke up, I asked my parents how much longer. They joked with me and said we still had a few more hours. As I looked around I realized that we were just a few feet from their house. I remember running into the house when we pulled up and it being really late. My parents told me to be quiet and not to wake my Grandmother. But I couldn't wait to see her and I went running into her room. As any good Grandmother would do, my Grandma was thrilled to see me even though it was the middle of the night and I woke her up. I think I even slept in her room that night.

I was reminded of not only the Lilly pads on the lake, but of pulling up to their house in the middle of the night tonight while talking to my very good friend. It's amazing how one small thing someone says to you can bring back so many memories. I don't think I had really thought about those Lilly pads in years until tonight.

This has not been the best weekend. I continue to struggle with my depression and know that something has to change and it's only up to me to make that change. I need to stop talking about it and actually do something. While I was talking with Lynilu tonight she helped me realize that while there is a lot going on and the hits just keep coming I need to hang on. I need to hang on to whatever I can because really if I give up, I am not the only one that will lose.

As I look around me I am searching for that next Lilly pad to jump onto. The one that I am currently on is old and it's only bringing me down. Here's the problem: I don't see any other Lilly pads ahead of me. I keep searching, but right now I can't see any.

But somehow I will continue to look. Who knows, it might be right in front of my eyes.


patti_cake said...

Never give up, Caroline, so many of us are counting on you to make it my friend!
P.S. Lily pads intrigue me too!

Katie said...

I haven't seen a lily pad in years. They kind of creep me out with the slimy roots.

Lynilu said...


Never give up.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there the world how tough you really are.


Julie said...

Lilly pads were the reason I never learned to water ski.-:)

We have faith in you, Caroline. Hang in there.

Sonya said...

Sometimes I think we look so hard that we overlook the lily pads right in front of us.

Keep your chin up and make the best decisions you can in each moment. Then give your worries to your worry stones.

Everything will fall into place... in time... when it is meant to be. That lily pad will find you.

SassyFemme said...

When the time is right, it will be there. Keep on keeping on for now.

Journey Through Life said...

I have just gotten caught up on your blog tonight, having gotten behind on all my blog reading. I really can relate to so much of what you say.

I wanted to tell you about one thing that REALLY helped me. I first started blogging 2 years ago and the whole point of it was to write a positivity blog. I worked at trying to create a blog where I only wrote positive things about my life. I wrote about the things I was grateful for. I looked at all the things in my life and instead of seeing the challenges and the difficulties, I made myself see and write about the positive in all situations.

I did a daily gratitude and positivity list. Sometimes all I could find was to be thankful for a roof over my head. But I would write about and really be grateful for it. Even when I talked about the challenges and the difficult emotions I was feeling, I would find the good in them as well.

After several months, I really started noticing a difference. And a year later, I realised it was time to move on from that blog and I started a new one - my current one.

I still have to work on it, but the difference is dramatic and feeling the positive and being grateful for the moment that I am currently in, is much more a part of my pysche now.

I am grateful for that blog so much!