I live my life with no regrets. I am not sure where I learned to do that, but I adopted this way of life because I was tired of going through life with all the "could've's and should've's" I was having in my life. The first thirty years of my life were spent wishing I had done this or done that. It was absolutely exhausting. I finally decided at 30 that I had to live my for me and no one else.
Today as I was going through my daily blogs I came to Sandra's blog. As I was reading her post about a Jehovah's Witness coming to her door I suddenly had one of those "regret" moments. In her blog she was talking about the tract that was left at her door. I was not surprised with what was on the tract. In fact, that exact tract I gave out many many times. Of course the Jehovah's Witnesses were talking about how they are "the only true religion" and that if you belong to another religion then you do not have the grace of God. They feel that unless you are in with the crowd of Jehovah's Witnesses(that crowd is just 6 million BTW) then you are living a "ungodly" life. They teach all people that Jehovah's Witnesses do have the secret path to God and no one else does.
So this morning as I was reading Sandra's post I suddenly thought of all the times I went door to door in hopes of "saving" just one person. From the moment I was born I was submerged into this religion. Everything I did was for the Jehovah's Witnesses. I was taught that Jehovah saw everything I did and that I was to be in fear of doing anything that bring "reproach" upon His name. I lived my life as a scared little girl. I remember when I was about seven and I stole a piece of candy from one of the bins at the grocery store. I was not afraid of what my parents were going to do to me, but I was afraid of what Jehovah was going to do to me. I think I believed for a long time the sexual abuse I suffered when I was just nine years old was due to me being bad. I really felt that Jehovah was punishing me. How could I not think that? That is what I had been taught my short 9 years on this earth. I felt deep down inside that Jehovah was punishing me because He did not love me. I was sure I had done something wrong and this was His was of showing me how wrong I was. It took lots of years of therapy for me to realize that was not that case and it was just a horrible thing that happened to me, and it wasn't because God didn't love me.
I do regret not being strong enough when I finally was able to speak up for myself. When I was twenty I was still going door to door in hopes of not only saving someone else, but saving myself. I thought the only way I could get on Jehovah's good side was to bring someone else into this religion. I soon realized that the only person that could save myself was ME.
I have a list a mile long of all the regrets I have during my horribly unhappy life as a Jehovah's Witness. I regret that I felt better then others as I was going door to door, I regret that I looked down on others that had been "disfellowshipped", and I regret that I allowed this religion to take over 12 years of my life once I legally became an adult. I do admit that before I was 18 I had no control over how I was going to live my life religiously. My Mother had complete control over my religious upbringing. My Father, who is not a Jehovah's Witness, decided to allow my Mother to raise the children a Jehovah's Witness. (I think my Father is now having his own regrets, but I will leave that for another post)
I openly apologize to all the people that I hurt not only emotionally, but spiritually while I was a Jehovah's Witness. There are times I remember sitting and talking with a friends that were Jehovah's Witnesses and they were struggling with what to do and I convinced them to remain because I really felt that was the only way to be happy. I often wonder what happened to all those people I talked to and I just hope they have found happiness in their life and more importantly I hope it is outside the religion of Jehovah's Witnesses.
10 comments:
Caroline, another great post. I have so many regrets from my life before. Mostly I regret living in fear. I wasn't physically in danger, but just so afraid of failing that I wouldn't try. I'm grateful to my sweetheart for helping me overcome my fears and, at age 42, finally achieve a lifelong goal. In December I'm getting my associate's degree! In January I'll start on my bachelor's. Thanks for sharing Caroline, I really enjoy your blog
Jeana
I know you must clear the air, so to speak, but don't blame yourself for those things. You were doing what you had been taught was right. Have no regrets. Just resign yourself to doing things differently from now on. I know you have a heart of gold, and I believe there is already a place in heaven for you. Hugs.
"You did what you knew to do. When you knew better, you did better."
That's a quote from, I believe, Maya Angelou that I especially am fond of.
Have no regrets.
Oh sweetie, you're a different person now than who you were then. Ditto to everything Lynilu said!
yankeegirl--thank you so much for the compliment. congrats on your associates degree and for starting on your bachelors degree. that is just wonderful
lynilu--i try real hard not to blame myself, but at some point I was able to make my own choice and i didn't.
casey--what a beautiful quote. thank you for sharing it
sassy--thank God i am a different person now. i hate to think of who i would be now if i hadn't chosen to get out
Honey I thought of you too when I was reading Sandra's post. We all live and learn. I have to ask wasn't there some sort of conflict with your Mom being so rabidly JW and your Dad not?
patticake--yes it was very confusing for me as a child. i will have to post about it sometime
traci--thanks so much. peace to you as well
Caroline, you DID make your choice!!! I understand that you wish it had been earlier, but that's not the important thing. You DID it when you were strong enough. That is when it was supposed to happen. You wouldn't be who you are if it had happened any other way, and while I know it is a struggle for you (and will be for quite a long time) I like who you are. Part of that is because you were mature enough, smart enough, strong enough to face up the one helleva task!! You know now that you did the right thing. If you'd made the decision at 19 or 23 or 28, I'm not sure you would have been able to stand up to the forces against you! You might have been sucked back into the trap and developed a paralyzing fear. No, sweetie, you did it when it was right. You made it an informed decision. That is the only way.
lynilu--i strongly believe things happen for a reason. i need to realize that it wasnt' right until i did make my own choice. i tried so hard when i was 27, but it just wasn't time yet. remember how messed up i was the first time i got kicked out???? i am glad i can laugh about it now.
I don't know HOW I missed this post, my blogroll isn't updating all the time!
We door-knocked in the Baptist church too, and while the teaching were somewhat different, they were similar in MOST regards. And I know that I was powerless, unaware of having options, and all the other feelings you described. Once I learned not to be afraid to THINK for myself, make CHOICES for myself, and not be AFRAID, the whole world opened up.
I wished I could convince the ladies at the door of this, but I knew I couldn't if I tried. Back in the days, no one could have helped me either, I had to get there my own way and in my own time just like you did.
Nothing to regret, as young girls we were at the mercy of someone else's power trip. We both figured it out quite young, really - some people NEVER do. So definitely no regrets.
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