Motherly Insticts

In June 2000 I was disfellowshipped (kicked out) from the church the first time. It was because I was smoking and refused to quit. After I was disfellowshipped the first time is when I actually started dating women. I remember meeting with my Dad that summer and telling him about my relationship with this particular woman. He wasn't upset at all. My Mother was never told. She wasn't talking to me so I didn't tell her, but I found it very surprising that my Dad didn't say anything to her. After I was reinstated ("allowed" back in the church) in 2002 I started seeing this woman again that I first saw in 2000. Usually when someone is reinstated (which is a huge process which usually takes 6 months to a year) they are over the top with JW or Watchtower beliefs. When this relationship started up again I was feeling so guilty. Guilt is the main core of JW's. When the elders reinstated me I had to have a weekly Bible study with a "spirtually mature" individual in the congregation. So, I started meeting with Melissa every week. She was the first one I went to when I was feeling guilty about these feelings I was having. She told me that I should talk to the elders about this. I called one of the elders that was on my committe for reinstatment and asked him if we could talk. We ended up meeting at Melissa's house one Saturday to have this discussion. This elder, Melissa and I sat around and talked. I didn't know that this elder had called Melissa to find out what I wanted to talk about. (Elders hate to be surprised and thus unprepared) He came with all these materials about homosexuality and how it was "vile" and "disgusting to God". After this meeting I of course felt like crap. My self-esteem was so low that it barely existed. I went and talked with my Mom. I was honest with her about my feelings. Anyone knows my Mother knows how she reacted. She went crazy. She was screaming at me about, "how could you do this to me.." Wait, who said this had anything to do with her? She just didn't get it. She went in her bedroom, locked the door and stayed there for 3 days. Upon urging from my Dad I told her that I no longer had those feelings and it was in the past. Bam..everything was "perfect" again. After that talk with the elders Melissa no longer allows me to be near her 4 year old daughter. She goes out of her way to make sure her daughter does not go near me. I say something to my Mom and she says I am probably being overly sensitive.

Fast forward to June 2004. I was in a good, loving relationship and the happiest I have ever been. My Mom is picking up on the clues and is asking a lot of questions. I deter her for as long as possible and finally on July 4 I tell her the truth. (no it was not planned that I would come out on Independence Day, just happened that way) This time I am not backing down. I tell her she can react any way she wants, but this is who I am. During this final phone conversation with my Mom she says, "now do you understand why Melissa didnt' want you near Katie." My insticts were right. Because I am openly saying I am attracted to women it must mean that I am attracted to all females regardless of their age. Give me a break. I have never been so insulted in all my life. And the most hurtful thing is, that insult came from my Mother.

It just shows you that not everyone is born with motherly insticts. I have never had a child, but my motherly insticts are better then those of someone who has been a mother for 34+ years.