IM Conversation

Something very interesting happened tonight. When I signed onto my Yahoo Messenger there was a add request from a "valjs64". I don't normally add someone that I do not know. But something told me to add this person. The email did sound familiar, but I couldn't figure out why it sounded familiar.

So, about two hours later this person logged on. I sent them a message asking who they were. I guess my first comment sounded a little rude, but I really had no idea who they were and why they were adding me to their list. Here is our conversation:

carolinesemail73 : Who are you?
valjs64: oh sorry it's valerie i didn't know i did something
carolinesemail73 :valerie who
valjs64: from kansas city you know
carolinesemail73 : do i know you?
valjs64 : yes i studied with you
valjs64 : valerie h.......
carolinesemail73 : oh, ok
valjs64 : are you still disfellowshipped?
carolinesemail73 : um....yes
valjs64 : well i'm not
carolinesemail73 : ok....that's good for you i guess....i am surprised that you sent a request to be added on my yahoo
valjs64 : i didn't know i did it so sorry gotta go just checking though just in case was wondering how you are
carolinesemail73 : typical JW behavior...won't talk to anyone that is "worldly". don't mean to sound mean or rude, but i hate how most JW's are fake including my whole family
valjs64 : this is vals son for a min she went to the bathroom
carolinesemail73 : hi daniel
valjs64 : sup
carolinesemail73 : how old are you now?
carolinesemail73 : last time i saw you, you were like 2
valjs64 : 18 tomorrow
valjs64 : lol
carolinesemail73 : oh wow...now i feel old
valjs64 : shes back
carolinesemail73 : ok
valjs64 : hey see ya
carolinesemail73 : have a nice life
carolinesemail73 : i know i sure am since i got out of that religion
valjs64 : it's a way of life baby
carolinesemail73 : a happy way

Interesting isn't it? Reading over her last line I think I read that wrong. Now that I am thinking about it she is saying that being a JW is a way of life. My first thought was that she was saying gay is a way of life. Maybe she was and I didn't read it wrong.

This is why I do not like most JW's that I once knew so well. Here I am minding my own business and they think they have the right to come into my life and tell me that what I am doing is wrong. I am trying to figure out how she got my email. I have never emailed her from this address. It had to come from my Mother. I am wondering if my Mom thought that maybe Valerie could talk to me and try to convince me to come back to the church. Nice try.

I just wish they would all leave me alone. Leave me the fuck alone. Do they not realize that I am perfectly happy not being a JW and have NO desire to ever return.

OK, on to happier things....I think I will call MG. :)

MG

I thought I would share a little about MG and why I think she is pretty close to perfect.

*I do not feel rushed into anything. She is allowing me that time and space to make sure all my other wounds are healed.

*She's not afraid to tell me how she is feeling even when it may take me a little bit longer to express how I am feeling. (the feelings are there, but sometimes fear takes over)

*She knows that I need a little bit of transition time when I get off work in the evenings and gives me that hour or so I need before calling.

*She's a really good cook

*Even though she has not read my blog, I can already tell she loves it and how it has helped me in the past six months.

*She is open to me blogging (even when she does not have access to my blog) and even visits a few of my favorite blogs daily. Oh, and she has even commented on a few. That's very cool in my book.

*She writes me the sweetest emails every morning and before she goes to bed at night.

*She has referred to us dating as "courting". It's old fashioned, but something about the way she says it feels really good.

*She has shown no jealously over people I used to date (or married to) and is accepting of the fact that I still have pictures (stored away of course) of Laura and my ex husband and is OK with me not throwing them away or destroying them.

*When it's my turn to buy dinner she is OK with the fact that we don't go to the fanciest restaurants since I am on a tight budget.

*Even though she wants me to quit, she is OK with the fact that I smoke. In fact she has said she does not expect me to quit now considering everything that is going on.

She is slowly winning my heart. Something about this time feels so right. Tomorrow night Sophie and I are spending the night at her house. I am looking forward to seeing how our evening/night/morning routines go together.

It's going to be a wonderful weekend!!!!!

Unexpected

I have a little bit of an update on my problem earlier in the week with State Farm. When I got home today there was a card from my agent. He just wanted me to know how important my business was to him and he again told me to call him whenever I had a problem. OK, I am slowly coming around to this guy. He seems to be trying really hard to keep one customer. My other agent which I had been with since I was 16 knew me and I rarely had to explain things because he just knew. It was so nice to call his office and say who I was and the other person in his office would always say, "Hi Caroline, How are you?" I didn't just feel like a number. Thankfully my new agent appears to be working his ass off so I don't just feel like a number. I bet next time I call they will know exactly who I am.

I am disconnecting my cable in about a month and I called Time Warner to work out the details today. Last December Laura and I signed up for cable/phone/Internet and are under a 15 month contract. So, disconnecting the service before the end of the contract (March 08) normally costs $250. Somehow I was connected to someone that decided to show a little mercy to me without me even asking her to. I explained my situation and she said "Oh, that's no problem. I will just take away the part here that says you are under contract and you will not have to pay anything." Wow, I totally did not expect that.

So if any of you are having problems with customer service just have me call for you. Apparently what I am saying is the right thing and I am getting exactly what I want; even when I don't ask for it.

Smarter Then the ATM

My bank put in new ATM's and I just can't seem to figure it out. Today I was trying to deposit a check and could not figure it out. I was first surprised to see that I did not need an envelope to deposit the check into the ATM. It then took me 3 times before the machine was able to read my card. I then for the life of me could not figure out how to deposit the damn check. After looking in my mirror and seeing the person behind me with their head on their window I decided to give up and just go through the drive thru. I told the lady I couldn't figure it out and she said, "Oh, it's a new machine". Really??? Do you think it was necessary to tell me that. Oy. Thank goodness I rarely make deposits at the ATM, so I don't think I need to worry too much about it.

For some reason the last few weeks I have been obsessed with going back and reading my old posts. Maybe it's because I want to share my blog with MG, but want to review what I have written first. Just a few months ago I looked back on the life that Laura and I had and to me it seemed perfect. When I go back and read those old posts it takes me back to that time and I read what I wrote and then think about what I didn't write. It's been an interesting journey. Just this morning I read a post from last August when we had the carpets cleaned. Laura was so pissed at me because I had a health fair to go to that morning and she had to deal with the cats/dog by herself. Oh, was she upset at me. It's amazing how much I was walking around on eggshells and never realized it until now. The more I step back and look at the life that Laura and I had together the more I realize how self-centered she really is. It is (and has always been) all about her.

I continue to be bored at work. My main boss is gone until next week, so that might have something to do with it. Not that I only work when she is around, but, well you know how it is when the boss is away. I know one thing for sure...keeping busy definitely makes the days go by faster.

Now that things have calmed down a little I was thinking about making my blog public again. I don't think it would happen right away, probably after my house sells and I get settled wherever it is that I will end up. This is just an idea that is floating around in my mind. See what happens when I have too much time on my hands at work...I think too much.

Happy Friday Eve everyone.

End of the Day

Tonight MG and I went to a birthday party for my friends 12 year old daughter. It was a fun time and I am officially introducing MG to my little circle of friends. It's kind of exciting.

This was my view as I was driving home tonight. I was kicking myself because I forgot my camera at home, but luckily my phone has a camera. Not too bad of a shot for a camera phone. It was one of the prettiest sunsets I have seen in a while.

It has really cooled down here in Kansas City. I am hoping we have seen the last of the heat for the year. When I got home from work I walked in my house and it was freezing inside. For the first time in 3 months I turned the air down a little. Then when I was coming home this evening I had my a/c off and my sunroof open. It was wonderful. I am so ready for fall and looking forward to those cool crisp mornings.

My Morning

For some reason today is really dragging. I can't seem to get motivated to work, although there is not that much work to do since I pretty much did 2 months worth of work last week. So this morning I decided to go to Costco to pick up something for one of our units. I pulled in the parking lot at 9:45am and it was empty. Who knew that Costco doesn't open until 11am? Obviously not me. I then spotted a 7-11 and thought an Slurpee sounded really good. This particular 7-11 is in a really rough part of Kansas City. Once I got my Slurpee I saw a Taquito that looked really good and was calling my name even though I was still full from breakfast. As I stood waiting in line the guy in front of me was very upset that his 3 huge drinks, 2 Taquitos and candy bar was $9. He got into an argument with the cashier and by the time he was leaving he yelled to the cashier, "I hate you." She responded back with a friendly "I hate you too". I was already prepared to duck in case someone pulled out a gun. As I got in my car and drove away I took a sip of my Slurpee. I think they had marked them wrong because the one I had tasted like Bubble Gum instead of Coke. Then I got to thinking about Sandra's post and I wondered if there was something else in my Slurpee. My Taquito was really good though.

I then came back to my office and tried to figure out something to do other then surf the net and smoke. It's weird because my last job I had sooo much free time. This job keeps me pretty busy, so when I do have an extra minute or to it feels weird to me.

About 11am I decided to make my second trip to Costco. After walking around Costco for 30 minutes dreaming of how one of the flat screen TV's would look in my house I left and decided I needed to find something for lunch. Keep in mind, I am not that hungry, but I knew I would be hungry come 1pm. I spotted this cute little Jamaican restaurant and looked pretty good. I thought I would give it a try. Oh, what a bad idea that was. I ordered a Beef Wrap and could not have been more disappointed.

There were a total of 3 slices of beef in it and the rest of cabbage. Seeing all that cabbage brought back horrible memories of the one time I tried the Cabbage Diet.

It's getting close to 1pm and I am starting to get hungry. I guess there is always the vending machine.

As Strong as Popeye

OK, so this post is going to be a little pat on the back for myself. I think it's about time I do that for myself.

The word has gotten out at work that I grew up in a cult like religion and I have no contact with my family. Today the Operations Manager stopped by my office to chat. A few weeks back a bunch of the managers went out to lunch (I still can't believe I am a manager and go to lunch with rest of the managers..hehe) and something came up about something I didn't do as a child. Jeff, the operations manager said, "why couldn't you do that?" My main boss said, "Because of the cult". I then had to explain about growing up as a JW and getting kicked out. Of course Jeff asked why I got kicked out of the church. So onto another story I went. So today he wanted to stop and ask some more questions about growing up a JW and getting kicked out. He asked how my family took the fact that I was gay. I laughed and said, "well, they didn't take it at all". After explaining how I have literally no contact with my family (unless they are being nosey or want something) he just had this look on his face like he was saying, "wow".

It got me thinking about peoples reactions when I share with them about the last 3 years and especially the last six months. I can see on their faces that they are looking at me like I am this strong, confident person that has overcome so much and surprise surprise, I am still sane. (well kind of--hehe)

Talking with MG about different things that Laura has said or my parents she just stands there with this stunned look on her face. I think a lot of people (MG included) find it hard to believe that I can not only talk about it with very little emotion, but the fact that I downplay how strong I am. MG calls me her Steel Maple. I asked her where that came from. She told me that it all has to do with my strength. She then told me that not only am I strong, but I am still kind and loving. She said a lot of people would have turned bitter after the last six months. That made me think.

I think in the beginning I was very bitter, but I learned quickly that life is way too short to be bitter and be resentful. Yes what Laura did was a horrible thing, but she actually did me a huge favor. Yes, what my parents have done to me is horrible, but again they did me a huge favor.

I have learned to appreciate love more in the last six months. I have learned the true meaning of forgiveness. To forgive someone is not for them, but for you. As soon as I forgave my parents for what they did and didn't do I felt free. As soon as I forgave Laura for what she did and didn't do I again felt free. As soon as I forgave myself for what I have done or haven't done, I felt free.

It's amazing the people that God sends into my life. It seems each person that enters my life lately has a different mirror that I am forced to look in and see who I really am.

I am slowly realizing that the person I thought I was (weak and unlovable) is the complete opposite.

Yes I am strong and I am damn proud of that fact.

Restoring my Faith

I have found that this whole house deal falling through has caused a domino affect of problems. For one thing I am still not getting all my mail. I know a lot of my mail is probably sitting in the mailbox at the apartment just waiting for me to pick it up. This month I did not receive my statement for my car, my gas and 2 of my credit cards. Luckily with my credit cards I get an email reminding me that it's time to make a payment. I thought I had called all of the right places to get the address changed back, but a few have fallen through the cracks. I don't understand the gas bill because I obviously still have hot water, etc, so I don't know why I have not received the bill.

So I realized over the weekend that I had not received my bill for my car insurance/home owners insurance. When I got home yesterday there was a bill from State Farm saying I owed them $550 for my home owners insurance. I pay both my car insurance and home owners insurance monthly, so I couldn't understand why I was having to pay rest of the premium.

I called my agent this morning. From the time I was 16 until last year I had the same agent. Well, he retired last year and I was assigned a new agent. I was never asked if I who I wanted to switch to, it just happened. I had no problems until this whole move thing. This agent does not return calls and seems to lack customer service.

So this morning I spent a good 2 hours talking with the agent about my frustrations. I do not owe $550, but to play catch up since I was taken off the payment plan I have to come up with $150. I explained that there is no catch up because I just made a payment the end of the July. How could I be behind? The more he explained the more frustrated I got.

He finally called someone above him and not only got the $150 waived, but I do not owe anything for the month of August. And by the end of the conversation my agent had given me his personal cellphone number in case I ever had an emergency.

My faith in State Farm (who I personally think is the best insurance company) has been restored. Thank goodness because I hate shopping, especially for insurance.

87

The other day MG and I were talking about my blog as well as the ones I read. Just the day before I had counted the blogs in my favorites to see how many I actually read. I was shocked at the number; 87. I had no idea that I read so many blogs. About 25 of those are ones that I just lurk on and never comment. But still, that leaves 62 that I read and comment on a regular basis. When I was first talking to MG about the number of blogs I read, I had her guess the number of blogs I read. Her first guess was 12. I told her higher and she said 20. I said higher (as her eyes got bigger) and she said 30. I then told her that it was 87 that I read on a regular basis. I am not sure who was more shocked, me (hearing myself say the number 87) or MG who realized how much blogs are a part of my life.

Tonight I emailed her a small list of the blogs that I read. She told me that she might as well take back all her library books since she doesn't know when she will have time to read them with all the new blogs to read. Who knows, maybe one day I will make a blogger out of her. :) I can't tell you how nice it is to be with someone that accepts the fact that I blog instead of fighting me all the way.

I am still trying to work up the courage to give MG my blog address and permission to view it. Maybe part of me is afraid that she will read what I went through and how desperate I had become at some points and rethink us. I don't see her doing that, but still I worry. So much of my feelings of hurt, sad and anger were expressed on this blog. I will not take away any posts because that was part of my history, but I still worry about her reading exactly how I felt going through all of that. Please tell me not to be afraid to share this part of my life with her.

I will tell you this, MG respecting my decision at least for now to keep my blog private is showing me how much I really can trust her and how healthy this relationships appears to be.

Not Too Much

This is about all I have today. As I was driving back from lunch I noticed this car and for some reason it really made me laugh. You know someone is really pissed that their car was seized and now a KCMO Cop is driving around in it. HaHa. Oh well...

I really don't have that much to write about today. My life is going good, I am happy and my future looks really good from this view. It is amazing how well taking things slow feels. Before when I would find someone that I really liked it seemed over before it even started. Things are so different with MG. We talk and see each other, but we are not letting this new relationship take up our entire lives. Does that make sense? Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with her and talking with her on the phone, but I am not neglecting the rest of my life. The start of this relationship feels so different then any relationship I have ever had. Somehow I know that just because I do not see her 24/7, we have a long time to get to know each other and enjoy each others company.

So, I am sorry that this is kind of a boring post. Things are going well at work, in my love life, with my friends and with me in general. It feels really good to feel this good. Feeling good was definitely worth the wait.

Our Babies Meet

You know it's getting serious when you introduce your dogs to each other. That is exactly how I spent my Sunday afternoon. Sophie and I drove up to see MG and her dog Oliver. It was a nice get together and once MG and I calmed down and were not so nervous then the dogs were fine. I was so nervous that Sophie was going to hurt Oliver. Oliver is a more assertive dog and I did not want him to do something to Sophie that would make her become aggressive. Luckily Sophie is a very laid back dog and even though he showed some aggression, they were just fine.

At one point the two of them were running around playing like they were long lost friends. I really think Sophie thought he was a cat. She's never been around a dog that small, so to her he was just another cat that happens to bark.

Next weekend Sophie and I are going to spend the night with MG and Oliver. I hope it goes as well as it did today. Sophie and Oliver will be very good for each other. Every dog deserves a buddy they can play with.

If you want to see some pictures from today, click HERE. As you can see they had a great time and were completely exhausted by the end of the afternoon.

Meet My Neighbors

Last night while MG and I were checking out her new computer I took her to a couple of my favorite blogs. Of course one of them was Lynilu's. I went back to show her the post that Lynilu did the day before she moved where Sophie was blowing her a kiss. It really is a cute post. Check it out if you have a chance. Anyway, while we were looking at her blog it got me thinking about how this neighborhood has changed in the year that Lynilu has been gone. My neighborhood used to be so nice and quiet with nice people. Now it seems that the neighborhood has gone to crap and even the people that were once nice seem to have turned a corner and are making it so easy for me to leave. So, I would like to personally thank my neighbors for making this huge change in my life so very easy. So, please meet my neighbors:
This is neighbor #1. He moved into his house about 3 years ago with his young son. He seemed very nice until he realized that Laura and I were not kin and were in fact partners. For about six months he would not speak to us and then out of nowhere started talking to us again. One of his many jobs is selling cars. It is not uncommon for him to have 5-6 cars parked in his driveway, on the street, in front of my house or in his backyard. I used to think that I would miss him when I moved, but not so much anymore. He is suspect #1 in the antifreeze incident.

Neighbor #2 is actually very unique. I have never in my life met such an asshole like him. When neighbor #2 moved in he moved in with his wife and 2 children. For the first year they were very quiet and I rarely saw them. Even in the summer I never saw the children except for when they were getting in the car. About a year ago this neighbor got a dog; a pitbull. The dog was constantly getting out of the yard and just roaming the streets. This dog even broke away from a couple chains that was tying up the dog. Several neighbors called animal control because it seemed like the dog was very thin. I have called animal control twice on him because not only does his dog get out, but it's not neutered. Having a pittbull that is not neutered is illegal in Kansas City. When Laura and I were having all those problems with the Fix-It Guys this neighbor showed up at our door at 8:30pm wanting to see our bathroom and the problems we were having. He said he did some repair work and said he could help us. I was like, "um, I don't don't like you and there is no way in hell I am letting you in my house at 8:30pm". He was not happy about that. Then when I first put the house up for sale he was asking me about how much equity we had in the house, etc. The topper was yesterday morning. I got out to mow the yard and my mower died. Of course it had to die right in front of him. He looked at me with this shitty grin and said, "maybe you should put some gas in it." I asked him why he was such an asshole and then put my earphones back on. I think of all the neighbors, he is the reason it's not hard to leave this house.

Meet neighbor #3. I used to really like them, but in the last 3 weeks he has really complained about the stray cats. I don't understand why all of a sudden the strays are a problem. The strays have been here longer then most of neighbors. This neighbor is suspect #2 in the antifreeze incident.

Meet neighbor #4. I used to love looking out at this house because this was where Lynilu lived. Now, I try not to go out back because of this neighbor. When he first moved in I really liked him and even talked to him a little bit. Then he became friends with Neighbor #2. Now Neighbor #2 and 4 stand out in the street and drink beer at 10:30am on Saturday mornings. I am all of drinking a beer, but isn't there a rule about drinking before noon?

Meet neighbor #5. A whole family moved in here last winter. I knew I was in trouble when Laura said, "I think that is one of my old students". Sure enough it was. Her old student is a sweet boy, but his other 5 or 6 siblings are crazy. They play their loud music all the time and play basketball in the middle of the night. Did I mention that my bedroom window is right next to their driveway? And they have the craziest dog. They allow it to run all over the place. I can be sitting on my front steps and it will come right up in my yard and just bark at me. I am just waiting for the day when neighbor #2's dog gets a hold of neighbor #5's 10lb dog.

So, that is my very unlovely neighborhood. But of course anyone that comes to look at the house I am going to only say how wonderful, quiet and friendly this neighborhood is.

Phone Call

I can't believe I forgot to write about this in my last post. On Wednesday afternoon my Dad called my cellphone. When I realized I had a new voicemail I didn't look to see who had called. So, when I heard my Dad's voice on the message it kind of caught me off guard. On the message he just asked me to call him. And it was in his "normal this is your Dad" voice. From the voicemail you would never know we have not had a relationship in 3+ years.

I debated on whether or not to call him. I figured they got word that the house was on the market and he was just calling to ask me about that. (My Aunt is a realtor, so I was just waiting for them to find out about the house) Part of me did not want to talk to him. I had so much going on with work that I didn't want to have to deal with any of their crap.

About 8pm I was talking with MG (mystery girl) and I was telling her about the call when something told me to call my Dad. So I called him.

It was the strangest phone call. When I called he answered and I said HI and that I was just returning his call. His response was, "Hi, What's going on?" The tone of his voice and what he said made it seem like the last 3 years had not happened. He then said that my Mom wanted him to call to see about buying some of my furniture!?!?! I was like, "what?" Apparently she wants to buy back two of the antique pieces of furniture that they gave me when my ex husband and I got married. Laura and I sold one piece about 2 years ago because it was just too big and not my style and the other is a cedar chest.

I really don't want to sell (or give) any of my furniture to my parents. First of all, I don't want them coming to my house. I truly believe that they only want to get into my business and have no interest in the furniture. I did tell my Dad that if my Mom really wanted to buy this furniture then SHE should call me. He agreed.

My Dad then asked me a lot of questions that he had no business asking.

"Is your house in foreclosure"

"Is Laura helping with the payments"

"What is the balance on your mortgage"

I was so proud of myself because each time he asked me an inappropriate question I simply told him I was not comfortable sharing that information with him.

My Dad then started asking about the furniture that was his Moms. He was acting as if he wanted them back. I explained to him that I am still using the bedroom set. He seemed surprised for some reason. I am not sure if he was expecting to talk to me and find out that I am homeless and living in my car. The best question was, "are you calling me at the house right now?"

I just don't get my parents. Do they not realize that they can not come into my life only when they want something?

Thank goodness my sense of humor has returned.

Weeks End

What a week. I am absolutely exhausted. I have just one hour left of work and I can't wait to get this weekend started.

The state was here Wednesday and Thursday. I think it went really well. All my boss' are at the exit interview, so I should know more by Monday. But overall, we think it went really well. Wednesday afternoon they toured our residential buildings. I was a nervous wreck because it's MY techs responsibility to make sure the buildings are clean. My techs did a wonderful job and the buildings looked great. My boss asked me to take the lady from the state back to our main location on Wednesday afternoon. I only live 10 minutes, so that was no problem. Not only did we get caught in horrible traffic, but we were driving right through a horrible rain storm. Do you know how hard it is to make small talk with someone that is judging every word you say. Oh, I forgot to mention that driving into work Wednesday was a disaster; not only for me but the entire city of Kansas City. President Bush was in town and he was speaking downtown, so the traffic was a mess. Every single one of us were late getting to work. Not a good day for the states first visit.

Thursday the state was still here, but I really didn't see them. My part was done, so I was able to breathe a little. Again on Thursday night I drove the lady back to our main location.

I was suppose to have an all tech meeting tomorrow morning, but I have canceled it. I just want to sleep in.

Wednesday when I was leaving to go to work I went to feed my stray cats and someone had put antifreeze in their food. (I told you I live next to some fucking crazy people) Not only was I furious about the antifreeze, but I was upset that someone was so close to my house. The cats seemed fine, although a little irritated that their food was spoiled. That night I took in their food, but left out their water. Thursday morning someone had put antifreeze in their water. WTF??? I am going to leave both the food and water out tonight and sit and watch to see who is doing this. I don't care if I have to stay up all night. Have I mentioned how done I am with my house and neighborhood?

As for the mystery person. I am going to keep her a mystery for a little bit longer. All I know is I am really enjoying getting to know her. She is not someone that I would normally have picked for myself, but obviously the people I have picked in the past were not that good for me. This person knows all about my blog and has respected the fact that I am not ready to share it with her yet. There is so much crud that I went through in the last six months, that maybe it's better if I share it with her before reading about it on my blog. I love how she respects my need to keep this blog private for right now. I don't want to say that she is perfect, but from what I have seen so far, she is pretty close.

OK, just 45 minutes until I can go home. Hope everyone has a great weekend. OH, and thanks for all the great comments about the story of my J. I was amazed at how therapeutic it was to get it all out. I now feel free to love someone else with all of me.

Happy Birthday Mom!

I am at a point with my parents where I can see the good memories that I had with them, rather then what has happened the last three years. It feels good to be at this point.

Today is my Mom's birthday. In honor of her birthday here are some of my favorite memories I have of my Mom:

*When I was in elementary school she let me stay home one day even though she knew I was not really sick. We went to the mall and had lunch at Dixon's Chili. It was the best day.

*I used to be terrified of thunderstorms. One night I woke up and it was raining. She took me outside (in my PJ's) and we sat on our deck watching the lightening. I don't remember how long we sat there, but it seemed like for hours. I felt safe in her arms as she held me.

*After my ex husband and I got married my Mom and I would always go out on Saturdays. Sometimes we would go shopping and other times we would just go and have lunch together. It was one of these lunches that I looked at my Mom and realized she was my best friend.

*She never got upset when I would call her 3-4x a day after my ex husband and I split. I was lonely and just wanted someone to talk to and she knew that even though she never told me she knew.

So, Happy Birthday to my Mom. She really is a good person with a good heart. She is just mixed up in a religion that tells her exactly what to do and think. If I was able to spend the day with her I would make sure it was the best birthday ever.

Proud of Myself

Today I talked with Laura because we are thinking of lowering the price of the house since we have had 0 calls on it. (long story)

While we were talking I was so proud of myself because I told her the following things in a calm assertive way:

*She will be responsible for 1/2 the money that we owe on the house. (we are looking at a quick sale which means we would get less for the hosue then what we owe)

*This break up has been worse then the breakup with my ex husband in a financial way and that it was because she has left me hanging out there. Since she has left she has only given me $300 towards the bills.

*It will take me years to recover financially because of HER.

*I regret refinancing the house with her (mainly to pay HER bills). When Laura and I met I only owed $58K on the house. Now we owe $111K. Becuase of the market and neighborhood it is worth about 25K less what we owe on it.

I am composing a letter to her in my head that she will get once the house is sold. It will pretty much say that I never want to speak to her again. I can forgive her (and myself), but that does not mean I have to talk to her.

She was quiet during the entire conversation and did not say anything. I feel proud of myself for the way I said those things to her. I was not emotionally upset, I just was pretty matter of fact with her. It felt great.

Work Rant

I have not had one moment to myself today at work. Everyone is in a frenzy because the state is making it's yearly appearance Wednesday-Friday. So we are all running around trying to make sure everyone is doing what they are suppose to be doing. It is very exhausting. It's only Monday, but I can't wait for this week to be over.

I have a few techs that feel they do not have to follow the chain of command when it comes to complaints. Two techs went above me and the program manager for that unit to our main boss. They are now on my shit list. I had one tech that went above everyone in our agency and went straight to the state. That one tech is on my shit list and everyone above me. Then I had one tech that was complaining about doing some online safety courses and told the President of our company that I told her that she needed to talk to him to deal with it. That is a huge problem and that person is so on my shit list now.

This Saturday I am meeting with all my techs for our monthly meeting. They are not going to be happy at the end of the meeting. I am so furious with them that I think I need a few days to process all that has happened.

And why have all the techs done this? For the simple fact that I am insisting that they do their job. This is the first time in 9 months that they have had a supervisor that actually made sure they were doing their job. They don't realize that I love my job and I am sticking around for a long time. So, they better get used to me and start doing their job.

End Rant.

Oliver

It's been a very relaxing weekend. I only left the couch on Friday night to refill my drink. I was going to go to the pool yesterday, but Mother Nature had another idea. We've gotten no rain in almost a month, so the rain is really needed. Although, I am enjoying not mowing my yard. Since I didn't move I decided that I am going to have to mow the yard instead of having my lawn boys do it. Gotta save my money for the next move and the next deposit.

Last night S. and I got together for dinner and to just hang out. It was a very nice evening. We can sit and talk for hours. One thing I love about her is her patience. Right now, patience is something I really need in another person. I realized on Friday that I was/am so terrified of being hurt again that when I start to feel myself get close to someone I run like hell. S. is good about giving me that space when I need it and not pressure me into a relationship.

S. has a dog named Oliver. Oliver is...well, let's say a little hyper. The first time I met him all he did was bark. I realized that S. and Oliver are a lot like what Sophie and I used to be. Oliver thinks he's in charge and let's everyone know it. It's amazing how a 15lb dog can control a person.
Here's a picture of Oliver. He is so cute, but that bark is deafening.

Here is Oliver complaining because I am telling him not to bark.

S. is coming to meet my babies this afternoon. It's going to be a good Sunday. Oh, and this god awful heat wave has finally broke. I can finally go outside without cursing.

Fridays are always Good

Thank you all for your words of support and encouragement yesterday. They were all appreciated and they really helped me pull out of my slump.

Today has been a much better day, but what Friday isn't?

I have a lot to share about some decisions that I have made and I will be sharing them, but right now I have an appointment with a Corona, Penelope (iPod) and my couch.

Thank you again for all your words. I heart each of you.

My Shoes

Today is not a good day. I have had to stay in my office for most of the day because it seems that everything is making me on the verge of tears. I am trying hard to pull myself up and change my attitude, but today I am really struggling.

Each day when I wake up I have to remind myself that I am doing the right thing (whatever it is for that day). I always have in the back of my mind that somehow I am doing things wrong. I keep thinking that if I were doing the right thing then my life would be different. I would not be sitting here almost six months after the breakup, still being sad about everything. I would not be sitting here on the verge of losing my house if it does not sell. I would not be sitting here doubting every single thing I have done in my life.

Maybe I am a little too sensitive. Maybe I take to heart what people say to me and believe them when they say they are never going to leave. Maybe I give too much of myself when it is so obvious that I am giving too much. Maybe I give people too many second chances. Maybe it's wrong that it feels more natural to take from myself and give to someone, rather then take care of myself first. Maybe I pretend too much that life is good when actually I am still broken inside.

Each morning I find that I am putting a worry stone out when a new (or sometimes old) worry pops up. I look back on the days when my biggest worry and sadness was the fact that I had to have another root canal. I would give anything to have that simple ordinary life back again. It was taken away from me and no one even asked if it was OK. I had no say whatsoever.

Life is hard. It's especially hard when I am sitting out here pretty much on my own. I have no one that will protect me when the storms hit. It's hard not having any family connections. I am not sure my heart will ever heal from the rejection I have received from my family. I realized last night that the next time I talk to my Mother it will probably be at her grave. Do you realize how devastating that is? So, if I struggle some days and need a little extra push, please forgive me.

Living life in my shoes is often filled with a lot of sadness and grief. I try to wear those shoes with pride and show that I am strong, but there are some days when I have to depend on others for strength.

I am asking for a sign from God today to show me that I am doing the right thing, but just have some crappy stuff happen.

Another Good Reminder

If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything.

It's that simple.

Ugh....

OK, someone really should have warned me about drinking and posting. I guess last night I posted a post that a few of you may have seen that I really should have kept to myself. My first thought this morning (as I was cursing out the alarm clock) was, "shit, what did I post last night?" Not that it was a bad post, I guess I am just not ready to share with the world what I was feeling last night. Maybe one day...maybe.

I fit in perfectly with our clients this morning. I am hung over, have a headache and am trying to remember everything that happened last night.

Thankfully all my boss' are out of the office today in a meeting at our main location. That gives me the perfect chance to stay in my office and get rid of this headache.

Something to think about....

I often find myself worrying about money. Ever since March my financial life has completely changed. I went from a two income household to one. Oh, and being left with all the bills has not helped either. So, things have been very tight around my house lately.

The thought of selling my house and moving into a 2 bedroom duplex that is not in the best condition was kind of making me sad and a little ashamed. I kept telling myself that I am 34 and I should own my own house and not have significant money problems like I currently do.

A week ago when I went to church with S. the sermon seemed just for me. It discussed how we don't have to keep up with our neighbors and that we should be thankful for what we do have. But the line that really hit home was: 80% of the people in the world would change places with us.

Wow, kind of makes you think doesn't it. Here I am complaining because at the end of the month I only have $450 left over after all the bills are paid.

I am thankful that at the end of the day I have a nice car to drive home in, I have a nice house to keep me cool at night, I have a fridge and cabinets filled with more then enough food for at least a couple weeks.

I am thankful and I need to start acting more like I am.

Invited to a Party

On Friday my main boss and one of my other boss' were talking about a party they were going to that night. My main boss looked at me and said, "Caroline you are more then welcome to come if you want to". So I asked her what kind of party it was and she kind of looked at me and smiled and said, "A party for girls". I wasn't sure what that meant, but then my other boss blurted out, "It's a sex toy party". I told them I would have to think about it.

First of all, I would never in a million years go to a sex toy party with people I work with. Can you imagine buying something and the people you work with know what kind of sex toy you have???

I guess I should feel flattered that they did invite me, but still....

So this morning I asked my boss how the party went and she said it went great. She then started describing some of the things they were selling. Man, there is a whole world out there that I had no idea existed. She told me she is having a smaller one and that again I am invited.

If it were anyone but my boss I would probably go. But I can't see myself going to a sex toy party with my boss and then sitting across the table at a meeting the next day talking about payroll.

Show Me Some Love....Pretty Please

For the first time this summer I managed to make it to the pool. I only lasted an hour and half because it was so hot. Even being in the water it was miserable. The three previous summers I went to the pool with Laura. As I pulled up I got a little sad, but then remembered the four summers before her that I went by myself and I was just fine with it. I hate this adjustment of being single and having to do things by myself. But then the other hand, I don't think I am ready for a serious relationship because I am still nursing my wounds from Laura. I hate this in between stage I seem to be in. I can't wait until September 1 when my benefits go into affect and I can seek some counseling somewhere. I think overall I am doing great, but it will still be nice to talk to someone that give me suggestions on working through my anger and sadness.

My weekend has been good. I met S. yesterday and we spent the afternoon having lunch and doing a little bit of shopping. I did pick up the new book by Dog the Bounty Hunter. It's a very interesting book and I am already on chapter ten. Wow, he has had an interesting life. I am not sure what it is about Dog and Beth, but I just love them. I never miss an episode.

Each day I get close to 100 hits on my blog, but average about 5-10 comments per post and I have close to 90 people on my list of readers. So, I am asking you to send me some love. Leave a comment even if you have never left one before and just let me know you are still enjoying my blog. I know my blog has not been the most fun place to visit the last six months, but I do appreciate all your support.

So, come on now...show me some love.

Happy Birthday Amy

Today is my friend Amy's birthday. Amy and I have been friends since freshman year in high school. About a year ago we realized we both have blogs and our friendship was renewed by being able to read about each others everyday life. Amy is now married with the cutest little girl and another little girl due next month.

We had some really good times in high school, much of which has been documented in our yearbooks. I pulled out the old year books and photos to see what I could find. The photo on the left was taken in August 1989. Man, we look so young. The picture on the right was taken in September 1991. (even back then I was good at documenting when pictures were taken-hehe)

Amy and I had a million nicknames for each other and as I was reading these nicknames I wonder where in the world we came up with them. For example my nicknames were: Dork, Lupita, Shagoline, Officer Bobbette, Looner and ?chip or cheese?. Her nicknames were: Amalia, Dweeb, Lil' Bobbette, VaVa and ?chip or cheese?. Those were some good times and I wish I could remember how or why we came up with those names.

I would like to end this birthday post with something Amy wrote in my yearbook the year we graduated. I think it's appropriate for this year.

"This year has gone by so fast. Pretty soon we'll be out of college with jobs and families! That's Weird!!! Our friendship has only gotten better with time and I hope it continues."

Amy, I wish you the best birthday ever. I am so glad that we both have blogs now and we are able to keep in touch even though we don't talk everyday.

Cooling Thoughts

Just looking at this picture makes me feel a little cooler. I am thinking of playing some Christmas music just to get me in the it's colder then crap thinking mode.

What do you miss most about winter?

Almost the Weekend

It's only 10:20am, but I already feel like I have been fed to the vultures. Apparently the heat is not just affecting me, but it's also affecting our clients. Boy they are in a bad mood. Complaining about everything under the sun and expecting to be treated and served like they are at the Hyatt. I am so done with work for the day. Too bad it's not already 3:30 and I could be walking out the door for the weekend. I think I will just stay in my office for rest of the day and stick to myself. I think it would be safer for everyone that way, otherwise they are bound to see my bitchy side.

About a month ago I went back online just to see if there was anyone that looked interesting. Many of you know that I have seen S. twice now. I really like her, but I am not sure if there is anything more then just friends at this point. I learned from my mistake with STL to take things really slow. And S. and I are taking things slow, which is nice. Well, this weekend I have 3 dates. Tomorrow I am meeting J. in Lawrence for lunch. I really like J. and I can feel chemistry on my side at least. She has a real witty personality and always has me laughing. Then Sunday morning I am meeting S. for church and lunch. Then Sunday evening I am meeting C. for a drink. I am not too sure about C. since we just started talking. She seems really nice, but I have yet to talk to her on the phone. I guess we will see come Sunday. In the last two days I have also had emails sent to me from 2 other women (one in KC and one in OK), so it appears it's either feast or famine with women.

I have decided to take things really slow. There is no need to rush things and if I do find the one then we will have all the time in the world to get to know each other. It feel good that I am doing things right this time. The whole situation with STL was so hard and emotionally upsetting for both of us that I never want to do that again.

Sophie got me up last night at 3:15am and of course it took me over an hour to get back to sleep. When my alarm went off I kept hoping that if I just let it continue to beep that it would eventually go off. After about 30 seconds I realized it was not going to go off by itself and got up. I pray that Sophie is still getting better and that her getting up last night was not a sign that her bladder infection is coming back. I don't think she could handle another trip to the vet and I know my wallet can't handle it right now.

Have a great (and cool) weekend everyone.

Blogger Problems

Is it just me or is my blog loading really slowly. I tried to go to my blog at work and it was taking forever. I thought maybe it was my crappy computer at work, but it's still loading slowly now that I am home.

Anyone else having problems?

Oh, and one more thing: It's so hot and I am not sure I can take much more of this. This summer I am reminded once again why it sucks to have a black car. I have to get to work early so I can get one of the few shaded parking spots. I am miserable with this heat.

How more days until fall?

Only in My Dreams

As many of you know I am not a mean person. I sometimes am too nice and allow people to get away with way too much.

But, in my dreams I am a completely different person. It's almost as if I do things in my dreams that I would never dream of doing in real life. For example, the last few weeks I have had the wildest dreams about what I would love to do to Laura and Sharon. Last nights dream was the best. I was yelling and screaming at Laura and Sharon and I think I was even beating up on Sharon. As I was hitting Sharon I told Laura that I hoped her new girlfriend (who has diabetes) would get so sick that her arms and legs would need to be amputated. WOW. I am not sure where that came from. You know I would never wish that on someone. But I remember waking up and feeling better for getting my anger out towards Laura and especially Sharon.

Sharon is an interesting creature. For months she pretended to be my friend so she could get more information about Laura and in the end to find ways to get closer to Laura without me around. When Laura and I first split, Sharon sent me flowers to apologize for what had happened. I threw the flowers out and told Laura that if Sharon ever sent anything else to the house (whether it was for me or her) I would throw the stuff out. I think when I was in New Mexico visiting Lynilu, Sharon did send Laura something, so obviously Sharon isn't too bright.

From the very beginning Laura and Sharon pushed me and pushed me for the three of us to be friends. I was just not ready 1 or 2 weeks after the split to be friends with either of them, especially Sharon. Last month I finally accepted what had happened and told Laura that it would be nice if the three of us would be friends. To my surprise, Sharon said that she was not able to be my friend because of everything that had happened. Excuse me? You would think that I would be the one saying that, but she seems to think that my reaction to what happened was/is too much for her to handle. I think she needs to get over herself. I am happy that I can laugh about it and continue to move on with my beautiful life.

If I was as mean as I am in my dreams, both Laura and Sharon would be in trouble. They would find me sitting on their doorstep in Shreveport with a couple of my loyal friends.

It's so nice to dream isn't is?

Birthday Wishes

Just wanted to wish one of my very best friends a Happy Birthday. I have been friends with JC for 8+ years and she is one of the few people that know almost everything about me and oddly enough still wants to be my friend. :)

When I met her I was still married to my ex-husband. She helped me get through my divorce (what a mess), she stood right by me as I got kicked out of the church and came to terms with my sexuality and she stood on the sidelines cheering me on while I got my masters degree.

Next to Lynilu, she was the first person I wanted to talk to when I realized Laura was in Shreveport and not St. Louis that fateful weekend. Just hearing her voice calmed me down.

My friendship with JC has not been perfect and there have been several bumps in the road. But I would not change anything about our friendship and I know some of the struggles we went through has made the friendship we have today stronger then steel.

So, Happy Birthday my dear friend. I hope your day is filled with lots of love, laughter and of course birthday cake.

August 8, 2005-August 8, 2007

August 8, 2005

"I am gay. I am proud. And I once was a Jehovah's Witness. I realized I was gay when I was married. It was about 6 years ago now. That is when the show Queer as Folk first went on the air. I wished my mind had been more open then because I think watching that show during my struggle would have helped me. I just started watching QAF last year. Last night as I was watching the finale it was as if I was saying goodbye to a new friend. I had just gotten to know the characters and now they are gone into history. I used to be ashamed that I was gay. I was raised that way. If you think differently or look differently, then there is something wrong with YOU. I fought my feelings for women for so long until it was literally killing me. The first time I kissed a woman I knew this was how it was suppose to feel. I never felt that when I would kiss a man. I felt like "yes, this is who I am." And who I am is someone that loves women. That does not go well when you belong to a religion that forbids homosexual relationships. I was told either you chose God or you chose your sinful life. Two things here..first of all, I should never have to chose between something and God. God is always with you. Second, my lifestyle is not sinful. Many JW's marry before it is legally alright for them to marry. Is that a sin? My gay home is filled with love, respect and honor. I don't see that very often in heterosexual homes today. I created this blog for all those people struggling with their faith and their sexuality. You need to know that you are perfect the way you are. And always remember God made you gay. And God loves you. I look forward to this self-discovery and I pray that my previous struggles will help others when it seems the whole world has turned on them. "

That was the first entry of my blog two years ago. It's interesting to go back and read the reason I started this blog. Two years ago seems so long ago. I think of all that has happened in the last two years and literally sit here with my mouth wide open.

The first time I heard the word blog it was in reference to Rosie and her blog. Two years ago I was bored at work and decided I would create a blog. I had no idea that it would take on a life of itself and become something so important to me and so much of who I am at this moment. Little did I know that a moment of boredom would turn into a moment that would literally change my life.

When I first started this blog it was all about me being an Ex-Jehovah's Witness and being gay. About a year after writing I realized that I no longer wanted to be labeled as a EXJW, but I wanted to be known just as Caroline. There was so much more to me then just being an EXJW. So, a year after starting the blog I changed the URL address and the name of my blog. It was a healing change.

I am very thankful for this blog and the wonderful people that have come into my life through the blog. I am thankful that I am able to keep in touch with my wonderful friend and know what she is having for dinner even though she is 900 miles away. I am thankful for the the support that I have received from people literally all over the world. I had no idea that I would become so attached to people that I have never met, but have allowed me to be part of their life through their blogs.

When I started the blog I didn't think anyone would read what I wrote. I felt my life was boring and ordinary. The more I wrote the more people started checking out my blog and to my surprise, you kept coming back. One important lesson I have learned the last two years is how incredibly strong I am as a person. When I think of all that I have had to overcome the last two years I sometimes for a second think it's someone else and not me. I sometimes have to pinch myself to remind myself that it is indeed me and not someone else.

This awareness has come from all your wonderful comments. I have received enough comments from people that comment on my strength and at some point I finally believed it. In the addictions field we have a saying, "Fake it till you make it". I faked it and I am happy to say that I have finally made it.

You have seen me in the good times. You have seen how excited I get about the holidays. You have gone through each and every root canal I had. You were with me when I lost Ben for a week. And the most important: you were there for me when Laura walked out the door and I thought my life was over.

For all of you that have stood by me and gave me strength until I could find it for myself; I thank you. My life has changed for the better because of each and every one of you. You made me laugh when I was unable to find anything to laugh about, you allowed me to vent when I needed to and most importantly you genuinely cared about me. From the bottom of my heart: thank you.

In 365 days I will celebrating 3 years of blogging. I am excited for the future and where I will be a year from now. It can only get better.

I would like to end this post with a quote that Lynilu uses at the end of each of her posts. I doubted this quote the last five months, but I am happy to say again that Life really is Beautiful.

Tuesday

Most days I go to Subway for lunch. I especially loves Tuesdays because you can get a foot long for $3. I usually save half of it for dinner that night.

It seems that the word has gotten out about this great deal. Today I drove in the 96 degree heat to Subway. You know you go somewhere a lot when they don't even have to ask you what you want; they just know. As I walked in there was literally 20 people in front of me. One of them was this little boy with his family. I got the biggest kick out of his expressions. It was so apparent that no one asked him if it was OK to wait in line for 40 minutes for a sandwich. He sat in this chair with his arms crossed and the biggest pout on his face. I especially love how his hat is on sideways.

Laura got all her paperwork faxed to the realtor today, so as of Thursday morning the house is officially on the market. I still need to break the news to the pets that there will be strange people coming in and out during the day while I am not there. I feel confident that Brady will be a good greeter. He greets everyone at the door. As for Sophie, I am not sure how she will react.

Tomorrow is a very special day for Caroline in the City. I will be celebrating 2 years of blogging. I still can't believe something I started because I was bored at work has turned into such a big part of my life and who I am. Be sure to check out the celebration post I have planned tomorrow. It includes looking back at the past and where this blog started out in the beginning and where I am now. It's going to be a fun party.

Tonight S. and I are meeting for dinner. I am looking forward to it. She is so nice and even though our interests are different we never seem to lack conversation.

Take Two

**Edited**Where in the world do I get a St. Joseph statue??????????

The sign is in the yard, the paperwork is almost signed (just waiting on Laura to fax her part back) and now we are just waiting for someone to come buy the perfect little house. I am hoping to be in a new place by the time fall is here. Selling the house (for good) will be the happiest day of my life. I will be jumping up and down with joy, excitement and happiness.

As you can see, we are all crossing our fingers, toes and legs in hopes that the house sells fast.

I decided that when the house sells I am not going to move to the apartment I had first planned to move into. I found a duplex that is $100 less a month and has a huge fenced in back yard. Oh, and the best part: I would have a garage. Ice can be pretty bad in the winter here, so it would be nice not to have to scrape ice off my windshield in the mornings. The duplex is up North (by the airport) and it would be like I was moving to a new town. Kansas City is divided up between north of the river and south of the river. I am not familiar with anything north of the river, so I am excited to explore a new part of town.

So, please say some real estate prayers that the house sells fast and I can finally start this new chapter of my life.

Another Good Sunday

This is the 2nd good Sunday in a row. It feels great. Maybe part of the reason today is a good day is because I am off work tomorrow. I was scheduled to be off tomorrow because of the move and with all that happened this week I decided that I still needed a break from work. It's been exactly what I needed. No, not all my problems have been solved, but I at least feel recharged and ready to tackle all that I need to.

I met S this morning for church. It's a really small church and everyone was very warm and welcoming. The pastor is a lesbian and her wife was there as well. It felt nice being in a a church where my sexual orientation plays no part at all. I will go into more later about my experience at the church, but I am just not up to writing about it today.

After church S and I went out to lunch. She is a very sweet and kind person. We didn't have any problems finding things to talk about, which is always nice. I hate trying to find things to talk about with someone new. We are planning on getting together on Tuesday for dinner. Oh, and one wild fact: she has the same birthday as Laura. It's weird to think about, but also OK.

Kansas City is in the middle of a horrible heat wave. I am currently sitting in the house with all the blinds shut trying to stay cool. Even Sophie doesn't want to go outside. How many days until fall?

So, I leave you with a couple pictures from today. It's a lazy day around our house and we are all enjoying some quiet time.
I love this shot. Brady has taken over several of the boxes that I have unpacked. If you click on the picture you can see his eye looking out that one open space.
Another shot of Brady. He is saying, "What is wrong with me laying in this box?"

Sophie hates the heat about as much as I do. We really need to move somewhere that does not have this horrible heat.

Sunday Morning Date

Ever since I was kicked out of the Jehovah's Witness religion I have had a negative attitude towards organized religion. Breaking the habit of going to church 3-4x a week is a hard habit to break. I have always felt like there was something missing. It's true that I have never felt closer to God then I do at this moment, but I still had this feeling like something was missing.

Kansas City church's are not known for being open to diversity. The ones that are welcoming to gays/lesbians for some reason have not appealed to me. It just didn't feel right.

Earlier in the week I met a woman that I have been talking to. She casually mentioned that she belongs to a small church that is very open and welcoming to gays/lesbians. The more she talked about it, the more I felt this desire to go. I felt something drawing me to this church.

So, tomorrow morning S and I will have our first date.

We are going to church together.

Karma

Part of the reason that I went to see a lawyer was because the people that were suppose to move in have demanded their deposit back. They don't seem to understand that since they pulled out of the deal they loose their deposit.

The lawyer did say that the people did breach the contract by informing me on Wednesday that they were not moving in. Because I do not have that in writing from them (stupid me) they may still take me to court. But the lawyer thinks that I would have a very good chance of winning considering all the circumstances. I guess now it's just a wait and see.

I also spoke to this lawyer about the situation with Laura and the house. I am pretty much screwed because there is no contract between me and Laura. The contract is between the mortgage company and us as individuals. Just another reason that I am so angry that gay/lesbians are not protected under the law the same way a married couple is.

I am going over my options for the house. All I know is I can not afford to stay here by myself. And even if I could afford it, I want to move out. I need to leave this house in order to get that fresh start I have so desperately been wanting. Now if I can just sell the house before it goes into foreclosure.

I have not heard from Laura since Thursday, which is not necessarily a bad thing. I just have one word for her: Karma.

Oh, and one other thing. I hope Laura's new victim, Sharon, is paying close attention to all of this. Not if, but when Laura leaves Sharon she needs to make sure that she is protected legally against all the games Laura plays. Laura has so many tricks up her sleeves it's not even funny. She is an expert at financially ruining people.

But here's the thing: I may be down right now, but I will never be out. I will recover from this; one way or another. I am just happy that I have gone through all of this with a clean conscience.

And let me just say that one word again: KARMA.

Taking Care of Them

*Update at end of post*

The last 5 months have been an adjustment for me. In the process of taking care of me, I sometimes forget that my babies are also trying to adjust to a whole new world. For a month now our house has been filled with boxes. I need to remember that all of this is a big change for them as well.

Last night Sophie reminded me that I can not forget about them. As I went to get into bed I pulled the covers back and there was a huge wet spot on the sheets. When I smelled it I realized that it was not cat pee, but dog pee. I looked down at Sophie who was sitting on the floor and she gave me the saddest "I'm so sorry" look. Just an FYI: this is only the 3rd time that Sophie has had an accident inside. (oh wait, 4 if you count the first 5 minutes at Lynilu's) So, for her to have an accident I knew something was really bothering her.

I immediately felt bad and felt like I had been neglecting their emotional needs and it brought me back to reality that they are also stressed with all the change that has been going on. I gave Sophie some love and then stripped the bed. But guess what? I had no idea where my sheets were. I looked in a couple boxes, but could not find them. My only other option was the sleeping bag that I use when I go camping. So I laid out a blanket and used the sleeping bag as my comforter. Ben got the biggest kick out of the way the sleeping bag felt and slept most the night on it.

This weekend will be filled with lots of love for my 4 babies. Last night was a good reminder that I can't forget that they have feelings too and as much as I am stressed they are also stressed.

*When I got home Sophie had had another accident on the bed. I called the vet and they said it could be a bladder infection. I took her in and yes she does have a bladder infection, but she also has Vaginitis. BTW, do you know how odd it is to be talking to your vet about your dogs vagina? After $169 at the vet, hopefully she will start to feel better and I can trust her again in the bedroom.

Also, I know several of you have told me to do this, but I finally did it. I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow to discuss my options with the house. Laura has cut of all contact with me (I only contacted her if it was related to the house) and she has closed her one email account that I know. I wish I could say that I am shocked at her behavior, but really I am not. This is her pattern when she ends a relationship. Somehow a court is always involved.

Unpacking

The unpacking has begun. First thing to unpack was part of the kitchen. I have had everything in the kitchen packed up for two weeks now and I am tired of eating off paper plates. I am going to take the next couple of days to decide exactly what I am going to unpack. I know I do not want to unpack everything because I am going to be moving eventually.

I had my afternoon of feeling sorry for myself and I am ready to move on. I spent the afternoon calling all the utility companies to make sure that come Friday morning I still have lights, hot water and the most important thing: cable and Internet.

When the mailman came this afternoon I remembered that two weeks ago I put in a change of address to start Friday. I went to the post office and filled out my cancel form. I just hope it gets taken care of and my mail is not interrupted. But if that is the worst thing to happen from all this, I think I can handle that.

I know I keep saying this, but I really do have some of the best friends out there. A handful of my friends have talked me through this afternoon helping me come up with solutions. The support and love they have offered are priceless and really have left me speechless. When I told one friend I didn't know what to say to her generosity, she simply said, "You do not need to say anything."

I again need to mention my wonderful job. The support I have received from my supervisors (I have 3) has been a true blessing. I think back to that first job that I went to and stayed for just one hour knowing that I did not belong there. I remember leaving there wondering if I was making a big mistake. The three months that I have been at my current job has proven to me that I did indeed make the right decision. I called my main supervisor (the one that has been privy to my crying spells this week) to thank her again for being understanding and to let her know that I was doing OK. It's nice knowing that I can consider my supervisors more then just my boss', but my friends.

And last, but certainly not least, thank you all for your kind words of support and love. The comments and numerous emails I have received from people have been wonderful. When I started this blog almost two years ago I had no idea that my life would be touched by so many wonderful people. Each and every one of you are a treasured part of my life.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am bound to make it a good day. It's my Friday and I don't have to be back at work until Tuesday. It's suppose to be hotter then hell this weekend, which is the perfect opportunity to rethink my situation at the pool.

Update

The deal with the people that were buying the house has officially ended. They called me this morning and told me they would not be moving in.

I am in shock.

My boss, as she always is, was wonderful and supportive and allowed me to leave early to deal with all of it. There are about a million things I needed to do. I had to call all the utility companies to cancel the transfer of service, I had to call the moving company to cancel the move and I had to call the apartment complex to cancel my move in.

I am thankful that this happened before I signed the lease. And I am thankful that I am getting my $250 pet deposit back since I did not move in.

I am trying hard to see the good in all of this. But when you are handling all this on your own, sometimes seeing the good is really hard.

I am still taking Friday and Monday off because I need a break. STL is coming into town still and just maybe we will get out of town for a few days and go camping. That would bring such comfort to my soul.

I sometimes wonder how I ended up where I am right now. How did my life, which appeared to me and others to be really good, end up where I am alone, struggling financially and depressed.

I keep hearing that everything happens for a reason. I understand that, but when you are down a hole trying to pull yourself up sometimes it's hard to see the reason behind all of this.

I have 31 days until my insurance at work kicks in. I am counting the days until I can go in and talk to someone about all of this. How I have handled all of this on my own is beyond my own understanding. But somehow I have and somehow I will make it through this.