Today is not a good day. I have had to stay in my office for most of the day because it seems that everything is making me on the verge of tears. I am trying hard to pull myself up and change my attitude, but today I am really struggling.
Each day when I wake up I have to remind myself that I am doing the right thing (whatever it is for that day). I always have in the back of my mind that somehow I am doing things wrong. I keep thinking that if I were doing the right thing then my life would be different. I would not be sitting here almost six months after the breakup, still being sad about everything. I would not be sitting here on the verge of losing my house if it does not sell. I would not be sitting here doubting every single thing I have done in my life.
Maybe I am a little too sensitive. Maybe I take to heart what people say to me and believe them when they say they are never going to leave. Maybe I give too much of myself when it is so obvious that I am giving too much. Maybe I give people too many second chances. Maybe it's wrong that it feels more natural to take from myself and give to someone, rather then take care of myself first. Maybe I pretend too much that life is good when actually I am still broken inside.
Each morning I find that I am putting a worry stone out when a new (or sometimes old) worry pops up. I look back on the days when my biggest worry and sadness was the fact that I had to have another root canal. I would give anything to have that simple ordinary life back again. It was taken away from me and no one even asked if it was OK. I had no say whatsoever.
Life is hard. It's especially hard when I am sitting out here pretty much on my own. I have no one that will protect me when the storms hit. It's hard not having any family connections. I am not sure my heart will ever heal from the rejection I have received from my family. I realized last night that the next time I talk to my Mother it will probably be at her grave. Do you realize how devastating that is? So, if I struggle some days and need a little extra push, please forgive me.
Living life in my shoes is often filled with a lot of sadness and grief. I try to wear those shoes with pride and show that I am strong, but there are some days when I have to depend on others for strength.
I am asking for a sign from God today to show me that I am doing the right thing, but just have some crappy stuff happen.
25 comments:
Reading what you wrote makes me feel so much for you. I know that it is hard. I too will lose all family connections if I tell. I know, you have to just keep praying and asking God to show you and take away that guilt and sadness. If you concentrate of what is good in your life, you will see you are where god wants you to be today, just today, don't worry about tomorrow. But know that today is where you are supposed to be. I have a poem I want to send to you. I will post it on my blog after lunch.
Just hang in there and tomorrow will be better. Maybe you are not supposed to be in that house. These things you are going through will make you stronger, and you are stronger than you were before you left. I can see your strength in every thing you write. This is just a snag.
take care,
L
Hey,
I'm so sorry you are down. Life just blows sometimes, even when you are doing the right thing. That whole "sometimes you are the bug, sometimes you are the windshield" saying really is true.
Try to tell yourself that all you need to do is show up. The right and wrong will work itself all out anyway. L is right, it is just a snag.
Thinking of you-:)
I too gave up all family connections about 18 years ago, but I don't miss them because I know that in a crisis they not only wouldn't be helpful or supportive, but they'd make it worse with their crazy religious ideas and ways of turning everything into being all about THEM. It's actually better without that.
Yeah it's tough to do everything alone, I know. But not all days suck, just some. I really think your house will sell, but this market sure is ungodly slow and it's trying everyone's patience.
Awww I am sorry your in this spot. I will keep you in my thoughts hope your day gets better.
Grrrrr that anonymous was from redfrog27 I hit the wrong bullet
l--thank you for the reminder to look at the good. it's so easy to forget that. and you are right...i do have a lot of good to be thankful for.
julie--i had never heard the saying "sometimes you're the bug and sometimes you're the windshield" before. that is so true. i guess this morning was my time to be the bug.
sandra--my goal is to be where you are in regards to your family. each day i think i have made progress it seems i take a few steps back. slowly but surely i know i will get there
redfrog--thanks for the thoughts and prayers. they are appreciated.
We have had our own crap going on here since late April. We have cried when needed to and move on. It's ok to go day by day. You are much much further than you think from 6 months ago. I struggle with God alot lately myself, people are praying and things are worse instead of better. I do understand the why me/us. It doesn't seen fair at times.
Caroline, I so wish there was some way we could actually be there so you wouldn't feel so alone. I am sorry that things haven't been easier for you.
Don't be down on yourself for the decisions you've made. Each step you've taken will bring you to a happier place, I guess it's just not today.
You've been so strong and I admire you for how far you've come. Keep reminding yourself how much you deserve the happiness and how much you have made it through.
Sending warm, warm hugs.
Holly
I hope you find the things you need to make it through these times. I have read for a long time and don't comment allot but I wish you happiness . You are a brave soul that has been through allot. Hold your head up and be proud of who you are and what you have experienced it has to make us all stronger. I have to believe that things happen for a reason. May you find peace my friend.
I don't know if you realize how many things you have had to do RIGHT in order to have come out even semi-OK with all of the stuff that has been thrown at you! It takes a whole lot of RIGHT to counter all that WRONG. If you keep it up, one of these days, your RIGHT column will eventually add up to a positive number. :)
My Mommy said to re-read your comments from your 8/12 post. Love is out there. My Mommy has not had any family for over 10 years ('cept Daddy) - (death, not disownership), she said she knows how you feel. It's hard Caroline, but you really have made good decisions and not being a JW anymore is one of the best ones you made. Mommy is still spiritually messed up from studying with them.
Smooches!
Caroline, you say that the biggest problem was your root canals, but remember that regardless of where we are emotionally, what ever is "wrong" at the moment is the biggest. It's OK to have had worries over something that seems trivial at this time. That is just the way it is.
And it is OK to feel the overwhelmed-ness that you are. I hate that you are facing this essentially alone, but I know that you have grown stronger over recent years, and I believe in you and your ability to weather this and come out glorious. It's hard for you to see just now, but I can. And I'm pulling for you, as is everyone else. Stay the curse, hon. You've made excellent wise choices in recent weeks. You have what it takes.
And it is OK to cry. I'm sending you a hug and a smile. I'm still proud of you, even when you feel less than the woman I know you to be. :) :*
kerry--you are right. i did think back to where i was six months ago and i have come far. thanks for the reminder
holly--thank you so much. i do wish i could be close to all my blogger friends. you guys have been the best the last six months
majende--thank you for the kind words. i do know that things happen for a reason..i just need to work on my patience because i want to know NOW.
amy--that is a very good point. i had not thought about it in that way. thanks.
parker--yes i do know that the best decision has been not being a JW. that decision saved me.
lynilu--thank you so much. i needed to hear that someone was still proud of me inspite of all that has happened.
Caroline, I realize I don't 'know' you in the real world and I can't really 'know' what it's like where you're at right this moment. That said, I do know what it's like to feel that rejection from family members as well as 'friends' who were witnesses. I've been dumped (for lack of a better word) and it sucks totally and hurts so much it's hard to imagine. I can no longer talk to my mom other than at her grave and that is more painful than I can explain. Even though she was not a kind woman, I still miss my Mommy. I'm saying all this so that you'll hear me when I tell you I understand. I wish I could make it better. Since I cannot, I hope you will accept this hug (((Caroline))) and know you are not alone. Peace.
traci--i know that you understand and are probably one of the few that really understands with the whole jw thing mixed in with everything. when i am reading my blog it does remind me that i am not alone. thank you.
It'll work out the way it was meant to be and when you get there, you'll be amazed at the growth and self confidence you'll feel-- believe me. It will happen.
Hey, I'm so sorry you are hurting. I do hope life brings you more good things soon! Hang in there! I send you good thoughts!
Caroline- I know what you mean about being alone. I have S- but she's 700 miles away. Here I'm by myself. In a town where I've lived for 25 years I can name 2-3 people of the dozens i've known over the years who I can call and talk to or ask for help. My sister lives 7 miles away and doesn't speak to me. I feel for you. I know you've gotten lots of good comments today. Know that we're here pulling for you. (((hugs)))
Hey - I just wanted to say I am here and that I am sending gentle thoughts your way. Just feel what you need to feel when you need to feel it - and keep putting one foot in front of the other. That's all you can some days.
Hugs.
anonymous--thank you for your kind words. it is appreciated
jenmaree--thank you for the good thoughts. this day is getting better..which is a very good thing
yankeegirl--thank you. i know i have a lot of people pulling for me and it feels good to know that there are still people out there on my side
casey--you are so right. today it was like i was just putting one foot in front of the other. i hate days like this, but i know it's days like this that make me stronger.
I'll be thinking good thoughts to you . Here's hoping for lots of friends to give you strength when you are feeling week.
Caroline,
The strongest steel goes through the hottest fire.
If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know.
Hopefully you will get the sign and the comfort/inner peace that you so desperately need. Hugs Honey. I can't imagine thinking that about my Mother even though she aggravates the !@# out of me sometimes I love her to bits.
Just wanted to send a hello. Hope today is a better day.
Holly
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