Quick Update

I called the vet 2 times yesterday, but she was too busy to talk. They told me she would call after the office closed with the results, but I received no call. I am a little upset because with it being a long weekend, I have to wait until Tuesday now. I would think if the results were bad then she would have called. Sophie is feeling a lot better. She no longer has diarrhea and seems to be back to her normal self. Yesterday she was chasing the cats again, which is always a sign that she is OK.

Susan is here and we are having a great time. We went out to dinner last night and she met one of my friends. The fact that I am introducing her to my close circle of friends means this is serious. You have to be pretty special to be introduced to my friends.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend.

Sophie

I just picked Sophie up from the vet and she seems to be feeling better. The vet was not concerned until she found white blood cells in Sophie's stomach. She explained to me that a dogs stomach has it's own defense system, so when there are white blood cells there it could mean something serious is going on; like cancer. She is going to call me tomorrow with the blood results. We were sent home with antibiotics (in case it's just an infection) and medication to help with her stomach and diarrhea. I really pray it's only an infection. So please say a couple extra prayers for Sophie tonight.

I would also like to ask you to go over and give Lynilu some extra love today. She had to put her dog China Doll to sleep today. China was one of the sweetest dogs I have ever met. With China you never doubted how much she loved you. I love you China and I know Brady was there to meet you across the Rainbow Bridge.

I hadn't planned on posting until next week, but Susan and I talked last night and she asked if I would mind if we met on Saturday instead of tonight. I was so relieved because I was totally stressing over Sophie and all the things I needed to get done after work. Susan should be with me when we get the results; which is a nice comfort for me. But until I hear that it's bad news I am just going to act like it's an infection.

Can I redo this day?

This day really hasn't been the best. Let's start from the beginning.

Sophie got me up 3 times last night to go outside because she still has diarrhea. I had meant to pick up some Pepto last night, but forgot. (I am such a bad parent) When I left work this morning I thought she would be fine, but I was only at work for an hour when I started to worry about her. I decided to go get some Pepto and go home and give her some. When I got home I knew she wasn't feeling well because when I sat down on the couch she laid next to me and put her head on my leg. I really didn't want to go back to work. I gave her the Pepto and went back to work. The rest of the day at work went fine.

When I got home I opened the door to find 8 areas where Sophie had accidents. When I was trying to get in the door she went running out the door, something she has never done. I called her back in, but I could tell she was embarrassed and upset. I immediately started cleaning up the areas and I was able to get all the stains out. I then took her for a walk and as I was walking in the grass I stepped in a hole and went straight to the ground. I landed on my left knee and it hurt like hell. As I fell I dropped the leash. Thankfully Sophie did not run and came running back to see if I was OK. The pain in my knee was so bad that it took my breathe away. It took me a few seconds to catch my breathe and stand up. I hope no one saw me fall.

After we got back to the apartment I gathered up my laundry and walked up to the laundry room. When I was putting in my second load it kept saying that I needed to add another quarter; even though I had already put in my $1.50. I had just enough quarters to dry the laundry so I went to the managers office and they said they don't own the machines, blah, blah, blah. I explained that I didn't have anymore quarters, so the manager took out her wallet and gave me all her quarters; totaling $2.25. I told her that I just needed one quarter, but she told me just to take it. I thought that was really nice.

So I sit here with a huge knot on my knee and a lot of cleaning to do since I am having company this weekend. My apartment isn't big, but after the last hour I really don't feel like doing much of anything. It looks like I will be taking Sophie to the vet tomorrow because something isn't right and I am really worried about her.

But I know in 24 hours it will all be better since Susan and I will be together for the weekend. I probably won't be online this weekend, so I hope everyone has a great weekend.

See you either late Monday or early Tuesday.

This & That

My Sophie is not feeling well again. She's had diarrhea for the past 3 days and last night she got me up 4 times to go outside. I called the vet this morning and they said they have seen a lot of dogs that are getting sick because of eating a locust. We seem to have a lot of them this year and Sophie has been known to go chasing after one, so I am thinking that is what is making her sick. This evening I cooked her some plain rice and mixed it with chicken noodle soup. She really seemed to like it. Here are some pictures of me preparing her dinner:
Notice Bonk felt I was making this for her. If you look in the lower left corner of the picture you can see Sophie's nose. She knew that was her bowl and was not happy with Bonk.

Right after I took this picture Sophie looked up at me like, "Mom aren't you going to do something about this." Both the cats and Sophie seem to love the rice and chicken noodle soup, so I think I am going to make it for them again. They will have no idea that their treat is actually really good for them.

We have a counselor leaving and we are having a pot luck for her tomorrow. It's an 80s themed pot luck and I have been put in charge of making a CD of 80s music. They are lucky because I probably have more 80s music then anyone plus I loved making mixes. Kids today have it so easy when making a mix. I remember spending hours and hours making a mix. Taking out each tape, finding the song and then copying it. Don't even get me started on making sure the spacing was right between songs, etc.

When I got my haircut a few weeks ago I felt it was really short, but I am kind of liking my hair short. I thought for a brief second of cutting it even shorter, but not sure if I have the courage yet. Here is a pic of the new haircut:
This was taken right after I got the haircut and my hair has relaxed a little and the wave has come back.

I am listening to the CD I made for tomorrow and I am reminded at how great the music from the 80s was. I loved Wham!, Debbie Gibson, Bon Jovi and of course New Kids on the Block. What were some of your favorite bands or songs from the 80s?

Only Time Will tell

As I was driving up to see Susan on Saturday we had the most beautiful sunset. Kansas City has had such a mild summer with only a few days where it was really hot. I can handle a summer where the highs are in the 80s and the lows are in the 50s. I haven't been to the pool in a month and probably won't go again this year. Early in the summer MJ and I decided to have a contest to see who could get the most tan. She started out already tan and I got pretty close, but I think she will be the winner. So, MJ I guess you should decide where you want to go for your victory dinner.

Susan is planning on coming down to stay with me for the holiday weekend. I think we are going to go on a picnic one day; which is something I haven't done in years. There's just something so romantic about a picnic. This morning I picked up the shirt that I wore when I saw her last and I could still smell her perfume. Looks like I won't be washing that shirt until this weekend.

Some of my friends have expressed some concern and want to make sure that I take things really slow. I understand their concern because of what happened last fall. I have always worried about what people think of me, so when my friends come to me saying they are concerned it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. Then when I feel like I am doing something wrong I usually feel that maybe I don't deserve something. I know that I still struggle a lot with these feelings and it's something that I am continuing to work on. It is a nice feeling knowing I have so many people that do care for me.

I know my relationship with Susan is still really new, but I can't seem to communicate this feeling I have inside. I know my heart has been wrong before, but I have this deep down feeling that my heart is not wrong this time and that this is it. I guess now only time will tell.

Moment

In March 2000 I was finally admitting that I was gay. I had not slept with a woman or even kissed one, but I knew I was gay. When I did first kiss a woman it was one of those moments in my life where suddenly everything made sense. It made sense why I never liked being intimate with a man and why my marriage to my ex-husband didn't work; even though I tried really hard to make it work. That one kiss changed my life and I knew it at the moment.

This past weekend I had another moment just like I did in March 2000.

Susan and I had planned on not seeing each other over the weekend, but on Saturday evening we were talking and we decided that I should come up for the night. So I packed a bag for me, grabbed Sophie's stuff and we were on the road.

We spent the entire evening and night just talking. I think I got maybe 1.5 hours of sleep Saturday night. We were laying in bed just talking and then we would sleep for 30 minutes and then start talking again. We talked about our childhoods, our ex's, what we wanted in the future. It was just one of those wonderful moments where I wished I could stop time and just stay there with her.

When we got up in the morning I was extremely tired and ended up laying back down on the couch while she finished getting ready. When she was done she came and laid right next to me on the couch and we laid there for 45 minutes in silence. As I held her it was then that I had that moment. I realized that this is how it's suppose to be. It's as if I have been seeing the world in black and white for the last year and now suddenly everything is in color and so beautiful. Music sounds differently and things that normally would stress me out really don't matter.

Susan and I talked this weekend and there is no way that we just met. I don't know if I believe in past lives, but meeting Susan and seeing how well we get along after just a few weeks makes me believe strongly in past lives. I know she is not perfect, but even her imperfections are a good compliment of me. We both realize that the chemistry we have for each other is something that neither of us have ever experienced.

We are committed to taking things slow because we both believe if it's meant to be then taking things slow will just make our relationship better.

Sophie Wants Comments

This is Sophie's response to my laptop still being out of service. Yea, it's no fun at all. I decided to come into work to check blogs and to clean out my email box. I can't believe how many spam emails I get in just 24 hours. It's crazy.

Part of the reason I decided to come into work was to get my radio so I could listen to some CD's at home this weekend. Not only do I not have a laptop, but my DVD player/CD player is still not working. I feel so technically handicapped right now. How in the world did I live without access to the Internet 24/7?

I've been thinking about all the stuff I have on my laptop and I just pray that I don't lose anything. Just a few weeks ago I copied almost all of my pictures onto CDs, but there are still a couple months worth of pictures that I did not get to. Thankfully I am pretty good about uploading my pictures to my Flickr account. But my music...I would be so upset if I lost all the music I have downloaded. Last time I checked it was something like 600 songs I have downloaded. I guess this experience will teach me to backup all my files. But until I hear differently from our IT guy I am going to just have positive thoughts.

This afternoon I am going to my friend Amy's house. We were best friends in high school and it's sad that even though she lives just 20 minutes from me I have not seen her in at least 8 years. I am thankful that we have our blogs to keep in touch with each other.

I can check my email from my cell phone, so I would love it if you guys would entertain me and Sophie this weekend with your comments. I have so many readers that don't comment and I feel that this weekend is a great time for you guys to introduce yourself. For all of you that are always so good at commenting, say HI to me and Sophie. Have I told you guys how much Sophie loves it when we get comments? The more comments I get the happier Sophie will be.

So....let the comments begin.....

Susan

Since I have started dating I have always used nicknames for the people I am dating and I really don't know why. Like I have said all week, this time it feels different. This has felt different from the very first email and when we first talked on the phone I had this feeling inside that this just might be what I have been waiting for. After meeting last night, I am even more confident that I have found her. So I have decided to not use a nickname on here when I talk about her because I have a feeling she is going to be around for a long time.

Susan is the most wonderful, beautiful, funny and kind person I have met in a long time. She has one of the most gentle spirits of anyone I have ever met. Our interests are very similar, but we have enough differences that it makes things really interesting.

We are still going to take things really slow. In fact, we probably won't see each other until next weekend because she has so many things going on this weekend. Yes I would love to see her this weekend, but I am OK with waiting until next weekend. The fact that next weekend is a long weekend makes it even better.

So, yes things went really well last night. I would have done a post last night, but my laptop is still not working. Yesterday I gave it to our IT guy and I think he is going to spend the weekend working on it. That means a whole weekend with no Internet. I may have to bug a couple of my friends to see if I can use their computer to check things out. It's weird because normally I would be very upset that I wouldn't have a computer all weekend, but right now it really doesn't matter. Funny how love changes your attitude. :)

Have a great weekend everyone.

You know you are from Minnesota when....

In honor of my date tonight with a Minnesotan here is a great list for you to enjoy.

You know you are from Minnesota when:


The weather is usually 80% of your conversation.

You call highways "freeways."

Snow tires came standard on your car.

You've never taken public transportation.

75% of your graduating high school class went to the University of Minnesota.

You assume when you say "The Cities" people know where you're talking about.

You can list all the "-dales."

People from other states love to hear you say words with "o"s in them.

In a conversation you've heard someone say "yah sure, you betcha" and you didn't laugh.

You know what Mille Lacs is and how to spell it.

You have fish boiled in lye for Christmas.

You know what "uff-da" means and how to use it properly.

You've frozen your tongue on a metal handrail before.

You own an ice house, a snowmobile, and a 4 wheel drive vehicle.

You have gone trick-or-treating in 3 feet of snow.

You've not only walked across a lake, you've driven across one.

Everyone you know has a cabin or, at least, access to one.

You have friends who schedule their wedding in the middle of January without a thought about weather conditions.

Your local Dairy Queen is closed from December through February.

Your town isn't trying to be ironic when it plans a "winter carnival."

You laugh out loud every time you see a news report about a blizzard shutting down the entire East Coast.

You think happiness is owning a "piece of lakeshore."

You never meet any celebrities except The "BODY"

You know what and where "Dinkytown" is.

When you talk about "opener" you are not talking about cans.

You have refused to buy something because it's too "spendy."

Your town has an equal number of bars and churches.

You (or your parents) voted for Mondale.

You've seen "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" in Uptown.

You know that everyone has a city preference -- Minneapolis or St. Paul.

Laptop still sick

I spent most of last night trying to fix my laptop, but it is still pretty sick. I emailed our IT guy this morning to see if I could drop it off and have him look at it. I really hate computer problems. I feel so cut off from the real world. I have not been able to look at blogs and probably won't until my laptop gets fixed. Unlike my last job, I don't have time to blog during the day at work. I am so sad that I have no idea what you guys are doing, what your pets are doing, what you're having for dinner, etc. This just sucks!!!!

The good news is it's Thursday and I have a date tonight. I woke up this morning with butterflies and even though I say I not that nervous, I think there is a small part that is just a tad nervous. I am sure those nerves will disappear once I see her. We talked on the phone last night for most of the night, which was nice since I was just sitting there watching my computer run virus scans.

This morning when I got to work I saw on the Internet that not only does McCain not know how many houses he owns (WTF is up with that??? How can you not know?), but Ricky Martin became a father to twin boys a few weeks ago. I feel so out of the loop with celebrity gossip.

When I am not at work I am able to check my email from my cellphone, so I will get your comments, but won't be able to respond to them or check your blogs. I hope to have my laptop back and running before the weekend because I really miss you guys!!!!

P.S. Happy Birthday to my Mom.

My laptop is sick....

My laptop is sick. :(

Last night I was surfing the Internet and decided that I needed to look into updating my Anti-Virus software. Well, somehow in the process I got a pretty nasty virus called "Antivirus XP 2008". It immediately took over my computer and changed all my settings. I can still get on the Internet, but with a lot of pop ups.

On my way into work I stopped and bought Norton's Anti-Virus and brought my laptop to work to install since it takes hours to run a full scan. After Norton's was installed I could tell the virus was still there. Damn.

I called our IT department and about gave the guy a heart attack because he was thinking I had plugged in my laptop to our network. He was relieved to hear that it was not on our network. I guess when I get home and have access to the Internet I have to activate Norton's and then run a full scan and it should get rid of it. Let's hope so because I am so dependant upon my laptop. Ugh, I hate computer problems.

Even though I am really frustrated with my computer, just thinking about tomorrow somehow makes it not so bad. Even with computer virus', life is still pretty darn good right now.

Keep your fingers crossed that this virus gets cleared up tonight.

To talk or not to talk....

Yesterday was a good day and today proved to be even better.

Part of me wants to talk about this woman that seems to make me so happy, but then the other part of me doesn't want to talk too much about it for fear of jinxing it. So here I am not too sure what to do.

Like I mentioned yesterday, even though it's still really early, something feels so different about this. It's kind of like we have been friends for a long time and we are just starting where we left off. Kind of makes me wonder if there is such a thing as past lives. As comfortable as we are talking to each other, there is no way that we just recently met.

Tonight we were talking (yes that is why my blog post is late) and she was saying how she is a little anxious about meeting on Thursday. Her main reason for being anxious is she is worried that I will be disappointed in her. I told her that I am also a little anxious because what if I am not thin enough for her, etc. She then told me that she will not be disappointed because she chose me. I have never in my life had someone tell me that. It's a good feeling knowing that someone has picked me instead of the other way around.

We both believe that you have to be friends before you are partners and that is why we will probably take things slow. So, there will be no U-Haul on the second date.

The cool thing is I know I will be OK if there is no chemistry and I will be OK if we hit it off.

Someone New

A few weeks ago I started talking to a woman that lives near Kansas City. The more we have talked the more we both realize how much we have in common. I love this getting to know you period.

The biggest thing is she is originally from Minnesota and has that beautiful Minnesota accent that I love. She denies having an accent, but she clearly does and I loved the way she said, "No I don't" as she put the stress on the "O". Nothing better then an accent from Minnesota. I personally would love to have a Minnesota accent and my parents swore that when I would come home from camp they could tell I had just spent the summer up north.

We are taking things slow which is the best thing. We are not going crazy with emails or phone calls, but we do talk on the phone everyday. Last night we talked for over 2 hours and it really didn't feel like we had been on the phone for more then twenty minutes.

She is also a huge fan of Little House and when I asked her if she liked to watch sports on TV she told me she would rather watch an episode of Little House. Awww...Be still my heart. I didn't think it was possible, but I think I found someone that enjoys Little House as much as I do. I emailed her a picture of Sophie and her response back was, "I LOVE YOUR DOG." Anyone that loves Sophie is fine by me.

I don't know how things will turn out, but right now I am just really enjoying getting to know her. We are planning on meeting this weekend and I am very excited. From the very first email this has felt different and I think that is why I have decided to talk about it.

It's been a long time since I have been this calm about something and yet so happy at the same time. I didn't feel this calmness when I was dating last summer or fall and something just tells me that this might be who I have been waiting for.

I put the picture of Ben up because it was taken in the spring when I had my beautiful tulips and they were coming to life. That is how I have felt the last couple of weeks; life finally seems to be starting for me again. It is always beautiful after a storm, isn't it?

**Edited**
We talked tonight and decided that we didn't want to wait until the weekend, so we are meeting for dinner on Thursday. I am so excited!!

If You're Curious

One way to win over my heart is to say:

I would rather watch a Little House episode then sports.

More details to come soon...I promise.

Definitely Maybe

I had to get up at 5am today. I didn't go to bed until after midnight and I thought for sure that I was going to be exhausted today, but I actually had a lot of energy. My weekend supervisor went with me this morning to visit with the 3rd shift techs. 3 out of the 4 were doing what they were suppose to and one we had to talk to. Before the tech meeting we went out to breakfast and I got to see my favorite waitress at Denny's. We always go to the same Denny's once a month before the tech meeting and this waitress is always our server. As we were leaving she said, "she you guys next month." I always look forward to our breakfast at Denny's. :)

One of my techs kept staring at me and she finally said, "there is something different about you." It was my haircut. Normally no one even notices when I get a hair cut, so I know for sure that it's short. I am glad I have the weekend to play with it since I am still trying to figure out how to style it. I forgot to take my camera, so I don't have a picture. I tried taking one of myself yesterday, but I hated the way it looked.

Today I put out the tie out stake for Sophie and she did not like it at all. Here is her reaction to being left outside alone:
Yes she is rolling her eyes at me. I even left the front door open so she could see me and she just barked and barked. Tonight I am going to sit outside with her and see if that helps her adjust to it.

I am off to enjoy my weekend. Love is definitely in the air.

Sad

I am in shock. I just read Sandra's post about her beloved Laddie passing away. I am so sad for her and wish there was something I could do for her. I know my Brady is there to greet him on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge.

You will be missed Laddie.

Getting Older

Sophie is feeling so much better today. She's eating and it doesn't seem to be upsetting her stomach, so that is very good. I have changed where we walk so she won't be able to get to as much trash. Just a few moments ago I looked down at Sophie and noticed how much white hair she is getting. That makes me so sad. In the last couple of months she has really started to show her age and is not as active. Sophie is 10 and until just a few months ago she looked like a puppy.

Sophie is not the only one getting older. For the first time someone noticed all the gray hairs I have. The first time I noticed a gray hair was when I was 22 and it was the day I was getting married, which looking back I think that's hysterical. Since then I have only had a couple gray hairs, but the last year I have gotten more and more. I guess now I need to decide if I am going to color my hair or let it go natural.

Speaking of hair....after work I went and got my haircut. Because my hair is so thick, when it gets long I can't do anything with it and it just lays there. I had 2 inches cut off and it is really short. As I watched her cut my hair she just kept cutting and cutting. I had a moment of panic when I realized how much 2 inches really is, but now that I am home I think I am liking it. My head feels so much lighter and I feel like my hair has that bounce back. I am going into work for part of the day tomorrow, so I will have someone take a picture.

I have had some comments asking about this secret I have. Here is another hint.

Someone is not feeling well.....

Sophie has not been feeling well since Tuesday. :( She started getting diarrhea on Tuesday and by last night it was really bad and she seemed to be straining. I took away her food last night and she did not have any until early this evening. When I took her for a walk this evening she did not have diarrhea, so I am hoping she is feeling better. I have given her a little bit of food, but I know she is wondering why I am being so mean to her. When I came home from work this is what I found:

When Sophie gets upset at me she always messes up the bed just to show me how upset she is.

I am thinking she ate something on one of our walks that has made her sick. I wish I could stop her from eating every little bit of trash. Most of the time I don't realize she has something until I see her eating it.

One of my co-workers gave me a CD and can I tell you how much I love it. It's a collection of songs by different artists. My new favorite song is this ONE. It's by a group called Over the Rhine. Has anyone else heard of this group?? I listened to a couple of their other songs and I just love them.

I love that I can enjoy love songs again.

Seven

I was tagged by Sandra, so here goes.....

7 things I plan to do before I die:
Visit Alaska (hopefully live there)
Fall in love again
Start a family
Take a month and travel around the US
Attend at least one more Barry Manilow concert
Get my social work license
Canoe the Boundary Waters

7 things I can do:
Remember dates and numbers really well
Type really fast
Forgive
Watch Little House over and over...and over again
Take good pictures
Find coverage when a tech calls in
Spot a Jehovah's Witness in a crowd

7 things I can't do:
Change a tire
Listen to Jazz
Draw
Parallel park (remind me to tell you about my latest experience trying to parallel park...it involves me hitting the car in front of me)
Figure out HTML codes
Sew
Go to bed without shaving my legs

7 things that attract me to the opposite (or same) sex:
Eyes
Hair
Smile
Honesty
Sense of humor
Love of animals
Loyalty

7 things I say most often:
Crap
Dammit
Sophie, Come Here
You've got to be kidding me
Oh My Gosh
Really?
I am So Tired

7 Celebrity Crushes:
Jo Frost (Super Nanny)
Alanis Moriessette
Tori Spelling
Abby from ER
Portia de Rossi (Ellen's GF)
Robin Roberts
Kimberly Williams-Paisley

7 People who need to do this:
Lynilu
Renaissance Woman
Julie
MJ
Fern
Bobbi
Shea

Maybe

Kansas City is having wonderful weather right now. There is very little humidity and the temps are only in the 80s. Today I was standing outside and there was this nice breeze and for a second I thought it was fall. I have been able to have the window open for most of the evening and I can't wait until it cools off enough to leave it open all night. However, Sophie and I are working on the fact that she doesn't have to bark at every noise she hears. The window is up high, so she really isn't able to see what is making the noise.

Oh, and I have a secret

:)

Budget

This week I have decided to see if I can go through Wednesday without spending any money. One of my co-workers is having a birthday on Thursday, so I will be going out to lunch, but until then I really have no need to spend money. Today I spent no money, so it was a success.

I have decided that I need to stop spending as much money as I do on stupid things. Stopping and getting a Coke at QuikTrip (they do have the best Cokes) everyday is starting to add up and it's time I put myself on a strict budget.

One of my motivations is next month my tags expire on my car and I need to renew them. In Missouri you pay your personal property taxes when you renew your tags. In 2006 I got 2 year tags, so I am now having to pay my taxes for the last 2 years. The total will be about $800. Ouch. I have some saved up for my tags, but $800 is still a lot of money.

Plus, I am planning a trip in late September or early October to see Lynilu. I am hoping that Julie will still be joining me for part of my drive. I am so excited for the trip.

One last thing...be sure to go over and wish my friend Amy a Happy Birthday. Her husband Chris wrote the neatest post with 34 things about Amy.

Reliving History Pt. 2

When Laura and I broke up I had no idea that I would be starting over from scratch and I had no idea that it would also mean that I would be losing so much.

First of all, after Laura and I broke up I was in shock. There really is no other way to put it; I was in shock. I had no idea how we had ended up here and suddenly I was being told that I was not good enough and there was someone that Laura loved more then me. For the first two weeks I did not move from the couch. At one point I was just laying on the couch starring out the window and Laura begged me to turn on the TV so it was not so quiet in the house. It didn't help that the person Laura had left me for called her non-stop. Every time I heard her cell phone ring it was a reminder that I was not good enough. Looking back I probably should have told Laura to get out of the house, but I was too scared to. I had been laid off my job just 2 months before, so I was sitting here with no job, no idea how I was going to pay the bills and the love of my life walking out the door.

But the months after the break up I noticed something amazing was happening. I was OK with how my life was turning out. Somewhere along the line I realized that even though it seemed like I was losing everything, this was actually a good time for me to decide what I really wanted out of life. It's amazing feeling knowing that I am at a point in my life where I can decide how my future turns out and who is in my life.

Most people would probably wonder how in the world I can be happy going from a 3 bedroom home that I owned to a small studio apartment. One thing that I have learned in the last year is the more things you have the more troubles you can have. Yes, I live in a very small (but cozy) apartment, but I no longer worry about a yard, utilities going higher or repairs. Now when I go home in the evenings I can just be and not have all those worries to think about.

After the break-up I waited a couple weeks and started dating again. This was the wrong thing to do and I can admit that now. I forgot that the hurt my heart was feeling was just like a physical wound and I needed to allow time for it to heal. I knew I would be ready for a relationship when two things happened:

1) I was not comparing my date to Laura.

2) I was able to see the good times that Laura and I had together.

It has been such a relief to not be comparing other women to Laura. When Laura and I first broke up I thought that I would never find anyone like her because to me she was perfect. I am now seeing that she was not perfect and honestly our relationship was not that healthy. But I am at the point where I can accept my responsibility for that because I know I am not perfect either.

As far as the good times....when I was doing my anniversary post I read through a lot of my old post and I had forgotten a lot of the good times we had. And believe me, there were a lot of good times.

Over the weekend I realized that I am kind of reliving history here. Last time when it seemed like I was losing so much it turned out to be the best thing for me. Yes I lost my family and entire church community, but I was able to respect myself and be truthful about who I was.

This time I have had to give up a lot of material things. The new life that Laura is living is one that I would have never been able to provide and I am OK with that. I have learned that I would much rather be with someone that is with me because of me, not what I can offer them financially.

It's has been a long and bumpy ride the last year and a half, but I am thankful for what I have learned about myself and those around me. I am so thankful for all the support I have from my blogger friends as well as my IRL friends.

It's nice being at a point where my heart is in a place where I can not only love someone else, but allow someone to love me.

Reliving History

I've always been jealous of the people that have always known they were gay. Looking back I can see that I have always been gay, but at the time I had no idea. I have never been a girly girl and would rather play outside with matchbox cars then in the house playing house. I think my Mom had really hoped that I would be a girly girl because she was always telling me that I should dress up more and wear make-up. For a couple weeks I would try, but eventually I went back to what my parents called my "comfortable look". I don't think my Mom ever really understood that I was not comfortable wearing make-up. I will give her an A for at least trying to get me to wear make-up.

Looking back I can clearly see that my first crushes happened at camp. I remember really liking a couple girls and I just thought they were really cool. Yea, I had crushes on them. I remember having pictures of them and putting them on the walls next to my bed. I won't even tell you about my photo books filled with pictures I had cut out of Alyssa Milano and the girls from The Facts of Life. The fact that Jo was my favorite on The Facts of Life should have been a HUGE clue. :)

I think my parents have always known that there was a chance I was gay. When I was 14 or 15 we were at church and they were discussing Jesus. I leaned over and asked my Mom is Jesus was gay since he never married. That question did not go over very well with my Mom. A few years later she told me that I should be careful with my friends that were girls. She then went on to tell me about a time she was in a hot tub and this lady was being very nice to her and ended up making a pass at my Mom. Why would you tell your teenage girl that unless you thought she might be gay?

When I was maybe 20 I saw a program on HBO about Gay families and I remember seeing this lesbian couple with a child and I remember it feeling so right. I still had no idea that I was gay.

When my ex-husband and I got married in 1995 I still didn't know. I just knew that something was not right and this could not be it. Getting married was something I had wanted to do since I was a little girl, but I was miserable.

The fall of 1999 it was all starting to make sense. For the first time I had a crush on a woman and admitted that I didn't want to just be friends. I wanted to know what it was like to kiss a woman and to make love to her. I was married, we were trying to have a baby and an active member of my congregation. I had to make a choice.

I had no idea that losing everything is what would finally set me free.

.....to be continued

The Good & The Bad

The Bad:

*Last week I went to a Verizon store to pay my bill and because I was paying with cash they charged me $1. WTF is up with that?? The only reason I stopped in was to save a stamp and it ended up costing me 50 cents more. Remember when paying with cash was the preferred way?

*On Thursday when I was driving home I was stuck in traffic. I noticed in my rear view mirror two motorcycles driving up between the cars. I moved my car over more to the middle so they couldn't and one of them purposely hit my car with their motorcycle. I think I was in shock because before I knew it they were way ahead of me. Once I got home there was a small scratch on my bumper. I really don't get some people.

The Good:

I bought a laser pointer a few weeks ago and Ben and Sophie are having a blast with it. Here are some pictures:



I thought this was the cutest picture of Sophie. I have never known a dog that communicates so much with her eyes:
This dog just melts my heart.

We have had an amazing turn in weather this week. Since Thursday it has been mild and there is very little humidity in the air. The past few evenings I have been able to have the window open and it feels great. Both Sophie and I are in a much better mood since it has cooled down.

Thank you all for your wonderful comments on my Anniversary post. I noticed a theme in the events that I chose and I plan on talking about that in the next few days.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend.

Opening Ceremony

Is anyone else watching the Opening Ceremony for the Olympics? I am speechless.

And the commercials....Gah. I started crying with the Home Depot one and haven't stopped.

OK....commercials over.

3

Happy 3rd birthday to my blog. I can't believe it's been 3 years and I really can't believe how much I have changed. When I think back to my life 3 years ago it really feels like a completely different life. As many of you know I started blogging because my job was so boring and I had so much extra time. Within a few weeks I had discovered this whole community of fellow bloggers.

Today most of my close friends are people I have met through my blog. I have shared more on this blog then I have with most of my IRL friends and most of my IRL friends do not read my blog. So if you are one of my IRL friends please realize that you are special.

There have been 1,096 days in the last 3 years. This is my 1,296th post. I have shared my entire life on this blog. I have shared all the good times as well as my struggles. It has been a place for me to come for support when I have felt completely alone in this world. It has been a place where I have had the courage to be me and not worry what others think or say about me. I have learned that I am not alone in my struggles and there are people out there that genuinely care about me. I have also learned that it's OK that my definition of family is different then most people.

When thinking back to the last 3 years there are very obvious events that changed who I am as a person. Here's my top 10 list of events that changed my life in some way:

10. First Post
When I first created my blog it was named "Ex-Jehovah's Witness and Gay". It has been a year since I was disfellowshipped and had no contact with my family. I was really struggling with being disowned from my family and I wanted to help others that were going through the same thing. In my first post you can see that being gay and out was still so new to me. You can read the post HERE.

9. Trip to the Florida Keys
This really was a dream come true. Laura and I started planning this trip in August 2005 and were suppose to go in October 2005. Well, we ended up postponing the trip until April 2006 because of a Hurricane. It was the first time either of us had been to the Keys and immediately fell in love. I have traveled all over the world and Caribbean, but there is something special about the Keys. One of Laura's dreams was to see Hemingway's House and going to Margaritaville. I remembering being so proud that we were able to make her dream come true. While we were there we decided that in April 2007 we could come back and have a commitment ceremony. I thought my life was perfect. You can read about our trip HERE.

8. Kansas City Snowstorm
Is it any surprise that a snow event would be in my top 10? I feel like I go into hibernation during the summer and come back to life when fall hits. I expect this year my posts about snow will become my favorite as well. You can read this post HERE.

7. Prayers for Ben
This truly was one of the worst experiences of my life. In the middle of our bathroom remodel my cat Ben was let out by the workers. He was gone for an entire week and I really felt like I had lost a child. The worst part was not knowing where he was. One week later Laura and I were out on the back deck talking when I heard a small cry. I called his name and he meowed again. I realized he was under Lynilu's deck and I went running. Once I got to him I called his name and he came right out to me. Other then losing a little bit of weight he was just fine. You can read the post when he first went missing HERE. One good thing that came from that event was meeting Patti.

6. Camping and Birthdays
I love camping and celebrating my birthdays, so when those two happen in the same weekend you know life is good. I camped a lot as a child, but 2006 was the first time I went as an adult. It was a lot more work then I remembered, but still just as peaceful. 33 was a good birthday. You can read the post HERE.

5. Sophie Cat
When Laura and I got together she had a cat named Sophie. It was interesting having a house with 2 pets named Sophie. Sophie cat is not the typical house cat. Not only does she weight 22 pounds, but she has more attitude then anyone I have ever met. I think about Sophie cat a lot and wonder how she is doing. You can read about a day in the life of Sophie cat HERE.

4.Prayers
You can read the post that I wrote just seconds after my whole world turned upside down HERE. The break up took me by complete surprise and I felt like I had been knocked to the ground. The first two weeks I spent laying on the couch just staring out the window. It was as if I had been driving and someone threw the emergency break on and my entire world just stopped. It took a long time, but I finally found my smile again.

3. Jerry Springer/Cops Break-Up
Looking back I can laugh at this event, but at the time it was not funny at all. After just one week living with MG she told me it was not working and within a week I was back at my house. Here is the post I wrote when the break up became a mix between Cops and Jerry Springer. You can read about that lovely night HERE.

2.Brady
Here is the post when I put Brady down. It had not been a good fall and it ended with me losing one of my best friends. You can read the post HERE.

1. Taking Flight
On 7-7-07 I got my first tattoo. I wanted to get something that reflected who I was and since I love numbers I thought it was appropriate that I got it on 7-7-7- and include a 7 in the design. When I see my tattoo in the mirror I am reminded that just like a dragonfly I am strong and determined. You can read about me getting the tattoo HERE.


I would like to personally thank each of you for your support, advice, laughs and encouragement in the last 3 years. Knowing that I have so many people in my corner really does make the bad times not so bad. You guys rock and I heart each of you.

See You Soon

After almost 3 years and 1, 291 posts, I am going to do something that I have never done:

I am going to take a break from blogging.

I will be back on Friday to celebrate my 3 years of blogging, but until then enjoy the music. And Lynilu....because you admitted that you don't always listen to the songs I put up here...I really think you will like the song.

See you soon.......

Confession

Once I get home I like to stay home; especially when it's as hot as it is. But tonight something got me to go out to the store at 9:30pm and it's not something I am real proud of.

Yes, I went out to buy the new People magazine with pictures of Brad and Angelina's new twins.

My name is Caroline and I have an addiction to celebrity gossip.

P.S. The babies are adorable.

Brady

Ever since I put the collar and bell on Ben, I have been thinking about Brady. It used to be that Brady was the only one that had a collar with a bell. For the last 10 years every time I heard a bell I knew it was Brady. A few days after I put the collar on Ben and I heard the bell I immediately thought of Brady.

My ex-husband and I adopted Brady in 1997 from a Petsmart. When James and I first met Brady he was so friendly and immediately warmed up to us, but we weren't too sure if we wanted a second cat. A few days later we went to dinner down the street from this Petsmart and we decided during dinner to go back and see if he was still there. He was still there and we adopted him on the spot.

Brady really was one of the coolest cats I have ever met. He was so sweet and loving and everyone was Brady's friend. He used to stand on the ledge by the front door and greet everyone that walked in the door. At night his favorite place to sleep was between the pillows. Often times I would wake up and his nose would be right in my face. He was such a sweet boy and I miss him so much.

Blogger won't let me upload any pictures so if you want to check out my album of Brady pics, click HERE. One thing about Brady...you never had to guess at how he was feeling.

Almost 3 Years

I need to remind myself not to watch sad movies when I am already feeling emotional. Yesterday I watched "Transamerica" and "Boys on the Side" and by the time I went to bed last night my eyes were so puffy I could barely see. Both are great movies, but probably not the best for me yesterday. I probably should have stuck with reruns of The King of Queens.

The last few weeks I have been feeling very anxious and overly emotional. I was feeling the worst early last week. Not only was I PMSing, but I had gone 5 days without my beloved Celexa. I had run out on Thursday and waited until 8:30pm on a Sunday to go pick up my refill. Well, the pharmacy was closed so I had to wait another day and by this point my body was having serious withdrawals. I was waking up with a knot in my stomach and every time I turned my head quickly I would get these electrical shocks in my head. So, I think the fact that I was PMSing, had not taken the Celexa and it being very hot outside was even the smallest things seem overwhelming.

I get my Celexa from my family doctor and I am thinking that maybe I need to break down and pay the $50 co-pay to go see a psychiatrist. The last time I went to my family doctor I meant to say something about how I felt the Celexa was not working as well, but I forgot because she was more concerned about the weight I needed to lose. In the past I have taken Xanax to curb some of the anxiety I feel, but my family doctor refuses to prescribe it to me. Even after telling her that I work in a substance abuse treatment center, she said they don't like to give out RX's for it. It sucks that Xanax has been so abused that those that could really use it can't get it. I don't need something everyday for anxiety, just every once in a while. So that is why I am thinking of going to a psychiatrist because they would have more knowledge on what would be the best thing for me to take.

I am also pretty confident that cooler temps would help my mood tremendously. I went out to the grocery store this morning with plans to come home and go to the pool. Once I got home I decided it was too hot to go to the pool and instead I have opted to say in where it's cool.

Friday will mark 3 years that I have been blogging. I think it's a good time for me to reflect on all that has happened in my life in the last 3 years. Even though there are many days where I don't feel strong, it's hard not to see my strength when I re-read some of what I have been through. I plan on telling you guys what my top 10 favorite posts have been, so be sure to check it out on Friday.

Shine

I have a small collection of crosses and this morning the sun was shinning on a few of them in a very cool way.

It's so hot today that I only lasted 2 hours at the pool. I was miserable laying out and I was miserable in the water so I just gave up and went home. I think part of it is I am ready for fall, so the pool is not as appealing to me anymore. I am ready to start decorating for Halloween and being able to leave my window open in the evening.

Here's something kind of funny....when I was at the pool today this lady was trying to show her teenage niece how to swim and she told her just to do the doggie style. I was like, what??? I think she meant to say doggie paddle.

It's been a quiet weekend so far and that is exactly what I was hoping for. My DVD player is still not working and I haven't gone out and bought another one. I am saving for the taxes and tags for my car, so a new DVD player is not in the budget for now. Thank goodness I am able to record 5 episodes of Little House every day.

Patti commented that I should try to find Meghan, so last night I did a little bit of searching and I think I found her. When I put her name into Google a hit came up on a site where she is looking for her birth mom. I know it's the same Meghan because the b-day was the same (yes, I still remember her b-day). I sent an email and I am really hoping to hear from her. Cross your fingers for me.

Stay cool everyone.....

Thank You

Today I would like to personally thank Willis Carrier for creating air conditioning. It is because of his invention that I am able to stay sane during this horrible, terrible and just plain miserable summer.

You can read more about his invention HERE. It is actually really interesting.