Facing it Head On

I made another important decision today.

I really want to remain friends with Laura and in order for that to happen I need to leave for a while. I am making myself miserable as well as Laura. I need to leave so that our friendship has room to grown.

I am thrilled to be able to go and visit Lynilu and see her new house. It will be good to get out of town and spend some time with myself. I am taking Sophie dog with me for the companionship on the road. She gets a little nervous in the car, so we went and got her some "happy pills" from the vet. I am hoping they will relax her enough that she doesn't mind that we are in the car for 12 hours. I will be leaving around noon tomorrow and plan on doing 1/2 the drive. On Monday I will continue on and arrive at Lynilu's by mid afternoon. I plan on staying until Easter Sunday when I will start my venture home.

It was hard admitting to myself that Laura and I get along better when we are not around each other. I hope that this is just a temporary thing because it's important to both of us that we remain friends.

Tomorrow as I leave I will be facing my fear head on. Throughout all of this my biggest fear has been that Laura and I would no longer be partners. Tomorrow is the day that I will look that fear in the eye and say to myself "I am no longer afraid".

Mind vs. Heart

I have taken my first dose of my anti-anxiety medicine. I think I was hoping for an instant relief from all my anxiety, but it seems that I may have to wait a few days since it take a few days or weeks for me to feel the full affect of the drug. Darn. I need a life line and I need it quickly.

My mind and heart are not in the same place.

My mind knows it's over between me and Laura. My mind knows that I have no right to stand in the way of her happiness. My mind is happy that she is happy even if it's not with me.

My heart feels deep sadness. My heart doesn't understand how someone can walk away from 3 years when they keep saying they were not "unhappy and that we had a good life". My heart is hurt that I have been betrayed in ways I never imagined I would be. I am hurt that have been lied to for months and I had no idea. I hurt that she chose this new relationship over the one we had. It's like when you are in school and you are picked last for kickball. I wasn't picked and it hurts. My heart just hurts. I wish there was a magic pill for a broken heart because mine is broken badly.

I look forward to the day when my heart is in the same place as my mind.

Nerves

Last night I decided that I needed to call the doctor and make an appointment to get something for anxiety. My nerves have been off the chart the last few weeks. I am tired of not sleeping well and waking up worrying about little things that I have no control over. When I go to sleep I am only getting maybe 4 hours of a good nights rest. I am waking up by 6am and am usually up rest of the day. My body is exhausted. My mind is exhausted. I am just exhausted period.

Because I don't have health insurance I had to pay out of pocket for the appointment. It wasn't too bad and I knew it would be the best $62 I would spend. I was a mess when I saw the doctor. I could not stop crying in her office and she was very supportive. She agreed that I had some major anxiety going on due to all the changes that are occurring.

She gave me a RX for some anti-anxiety meds. Because I don't have insurance she made sure she picked one that was on Walmart's $4/month list. It was a blessing she thought of that because I had forgotten about that.

When I went to Walmart to fill my RX it was about 1:10pm. I didn't realize this, but they close from 1:30-2:00 for lunch. They happily rushed my RX through so I wouldn't have to wait until after 2pm to get it. Another blessing.

When I get nervous my mind does not stop. It goes over things like a broken record. I am just thankful that I finally realized that I need a little help in this process.

I have almost made it through another day; another blessing.

It's a Date

So tonight I had a date. It was odd getting ready and then asking Laura how I looked before going out on a date with another woman. She said I looked great which gave me more confidence. I was very nervous about going out on this date because I wasn't sure how I would be and I didn't know if it was just too soon.

The woman I met for dinner is very nice. She is very interesting and I even found her cute. One thing I loved about her was her hair. I really think I am a hair kind of girl. I just love women's hair and I love playing with it (I did not play with her hair-hehe).

As I was sitting at dinner talking with this woman I realized that maybe it's a little early for me to be dating. It's been about a month since Laura and I split, but I am thinking that maybe I need a little bit more time. As much as I want to find that perfect love, I want to make sure that I find her when I am ready. It would be a shame to find that perfect woman and I mess it up because I am still working through all my emotions.

It was good getting out of the house and getting all dressed up. For the past three weeks I have mainly lived out of my t-shirts and gym shorts. I did however get dressed up for my orientation and one hour of work, but besides that I stuck with my shorts and t-shirts. It felt wonderful doing my hair and making sure that I looked just perfect. I am lucky that some of my spring/summer clothes still fit. But I promise they won't for long. The tan shorts I wore last summer are so big that I can slip them on and off without unbuttoning them. As I recall, last summer they fit, but were a little snug.

Through all this process I feel like I have suddenly acquired bipolar disease. One minute I am fine and the next I am a complete mess. Laura has been wonderful at just listening to me and letting me cry when I need to cry. I swear she has seen me cry more in the last three weeks then in the last three years combined. At this moment I am feeling good. I need to focus on this good feeling and remind myself when I am consumed with fear that it will not last. I just keep reminding myself that I will be OK. Sometimes I have to remind myself every minute and sometimes I can go hours. The good news is that the good moments are lasting longer then the moments of sadness and fear.

Life is still very good and I am excited about the future. I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I am excited and thrilled at the prospects.

Caroline in the ? City

I mentioned a couple of days ago that I was thinking of moving out of Kansas City. I still feel that way. I need a fresh start. I need a city where I can go and make new memories, not live in a city that is filled with so many memories of struggles, sadness and hurt. I need a place where I can start over.

It has always been a dream of mine to pack up and move. I have lived in Kansas City my entire life and I need some new surroundings. Ever since I saw New York City it has been a fantasy of mine to move there. I remember watching The Cosby Show when I was younger and I dreamed of having steps out front where I could sit and watch the people go by (I love just sitting and watching people go about their lives). Not that I would, but the thought of being able to get up at 3am and do whatever you want is so cool to me. Here in Kansas City, most doors are shut by 9pm. So boring. But New York City is very expensive and I am not sure I would be able to survive on a social workers salary. But New York is still an option.

It's also been a dream of mine to live in Minnesota. Ever since I went to summer camp there I have fallen in love with the state. When I was younger I used to sit and dream about what it would be like to live in Minnesota all the time. And the winters...it's no secret that I love snow. I remember going to visit some cousins when I was around 10 and they had so much snow that it was literally 2 feet deep. That visit is when my love affair with snow started and it has never ended.

So here is what I need from my loyal readers. I need for you to tell me the benefits of your city and why Caroline in the City should move to your City. Keep in mind I am a social worker, so a strong social service field is a huge plus. I am not against moving somewhere that is warm, but there needs to be a lot of benefits if I give up snow.

So tell me why I should move to your City.

Wordless Wednesday

*Edited 4:00PM*
OK, everyone is asking where this picture is from. Sandra was real close when she guessed England. But the truth is, this picture was taken in Branson, MO at a old burned out castle from the 1800's. I found it very interesting to walk around. It's on the top of a hill that overlooks Lake of the Ozarks. I would love to go back and take more pictures with my super cool new camera.

Not My Path

Well, today has been interesting to say the least.

I woke up this morning at 6am and within a few minutes I was having bad/negative thoughts. I got through the next couple of hours by saying "peace, love and happiness". I got up, made my lunch and took care of all the animals before I headed out. I had to go have my TB test read first thing. I got that taken care of...no TB...YEA. Not that I was concerened.

I then got to the job and right away I was feeling like this wasn't right. They had a big all staff breakfast and it was overwhelming meeting all those new people when I was feeling like I didn't want to be there. I sat through an hour of hearing about the agency and the job I would be doing. I kept feeling that this was not where I wanted to be. At the break I went out and called Laura. I didn't feel that I had to talk to her, but I just want to get her opinion on me telling them I couldn't work there. I was almost in a panic for some reason. Laura and I talked and she said that I needed to do what was best for me. That's when I told her that I was going to tell them I could not work there. I was already feeling relief. It's not that I don't want to go back to work, I do, but I was not meant to be at this job. I admitted to myself that I only took the job because I knew we were going to Florida and the money would come in handy.

So I went inside to break the news to my supervisor. How awkward it is when you have to tell your supervisor of one hour that you are quitting. Because I was having a positive attitude I knew I was doing the right thing. My supervisor in turn was very positive to me. I didn't go into much detail, but I told her that since I had accepted the position there had been a lot of changes in my life and I was feeling like this job was not where I was meant to be. After a few minutes of conversation she told me that they were very impressed with me and that if I ever decided this was the job for me all I had to do was call them and they would hire me again. How wonderful is that. I didn't expect that reaction, but I was happy with the kindness.

I then walked out of the building feeling better then I have in months. For the first time in a long time I did something for CAROLINE and no one else. As I walked out my spirit seemed lighter. I knew I was doing the best thing. I have no idea what the end outcome will be in regards to me working, but I have faith that I will end up where I am suppose to be.

I interviewed at an agency last week and the interview went really well. I should hear from this next week if they want a second interview. Then today I was looking on a local website for nonprofit jobs in KC and came across a position open at a agency I worked with at my last job. They were in the same coalition as us. I emailed my resume to the director who I sat next to at many many meetings. I am excited about all the possibilities that are ahead for me.

I am even thinking of moving out of Kansas City. I would love to live in a Northern State. I have always preferred the cold over the heat.

So who knows...Caroline in the City just might be moving to another City.

The Secret

I watched the most amazing movie tonight. It's called The Secret. Several people had told me that I really needed to watch this movie. Finally tonight I realized that I was ready to watch it. It was the most amazing 90 minutes of my life. I learned some very important things. One thing I learned is that what I give out to the universe comes back to me. The last two weeks I have been focused on all the bad that has been going on. Because that has been my only focus for the last 2+ weeks that is what has been given back to me.

From this moment on my thoughts and attitude are changed. Here is my new thoughts and attitude in just a few areas:

*I am going to be happy

*I am going to find love again

*I am only going to focus on the good in my life

*I am going to be grateful for everything in my life

*I am going to be better to myself (Others will treat me the way I treat myself)

*I will be happy because I deserve to be happy

This movie really changed my life. I am now excited about my new job that I start tomorrow. I know what I want in life and now it's just up to me to ask for it.

My focus has forever changed and I can already feel the changes. If you are interested in what I have talked about then go to The Secret and watch the movie for yourself. You can watch it on your computer for just $4.95. I promise it will change you.

Sunday Thoughts

I have an inspirational book that I read each morning. There is a passage for each morning. I have found that this little book helps me right when I need it. Sometimes it's as if God is actually speaking to me. Here is this mornings passage:

March 25: A Few More Scenes

"In (this) world you will have tribulation, " Jesus promises, "but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." -John 16:33

God has kept no secrets. He has told us that, while on this yellow brick road (of life), we will experience trouble. Disease will afflict bodies. Divorce will break hearts. Death will make widows and devastation will destroy countries. We should not expect any less. But just because the devil shows up and cackles, we needn't panic.

Our Master speaks of an accomplished deed....."It is finished" (John 19:30). The battle is over. Be alert. But don't be alarmed.....The manuscript has been published. The book has been bound. Satan is loosed for a season, but the season is oh-so-brief.....Just a few more scenes, just a few more turns in the road, and his end will come.

--Max Lucado

I will get through today.

Tis the Season....

to start mowing the yard again.

We have had rain almost all week and all that rain has turned the grass bright green and of course got it growing. So this morning I decided that in between rain showers I would get out to mow. I am not the best person as maintaining the lawn mower and I am nervous every spring when I go to start it. As always my dependable little mower that I bought 9 years ago from Sears started right up. I would never buy any mower then the Sears brand. In the past when I would mow I would just use an old walkman I had and listen to the radio. This year I have my MP3 player. It's great mowing to the songs I like and not having to listen to commercials. Here are some pictures from this morning.
Here's the front yard. The grass this year is so thick; almost like velvet. I love it. It will feel good to get my bare feet on it when it warms up.

Another shot of the front yard. Next step is to get new mulch for the yard. It takes about 30 bags of mulch to cover the whole front yard.

This is a very special part of the yard. I gave this "bird watcher" to Lynilu's husband in 2000. He was known to sit on his back deck and just listen and watch the birds. When he passed away I asked Lynilu if I could have it back to put in my yard. I have a bird sanctuary where I have a bird feeder and this little guy looks right out onto the sanctuary. Last night I slept with the windows open and when I woke up this morning I could hear all the birds. It made me think if Glenn and how much I miss him.

I Must Have An Important Job

This morning I got up early to go do my physical/drug screen/TB test. The place opened at 7:30am and the guy from where I now work said that it would be best to get there early since people have been known to have to wait 3 hours. So I was there right at 7:30am. I started filling out my paperwork and they asked if I had brought anything from my employer for this. I barely got directions, so no I didn't have anything showing I needed to be there. Like I would be there on my own. When they realized that I didn't have anything from my employer they said I would have to wait until they could get a hold of someone that could authorize the tests. Well, I knew that I needed to have Sophie to the groomer by 9am and I had no idea how long it would take. So I told them I would be back. After getting Sophie to the groomer I went back. I had so much paperwork to fill out. You would think I was going into the secret service or something.

So they take me back and decide to do the drug test first. They marked a line on the cup and said I needed to fill it to at least that point. One thing I did like it was a big cup. I hate when they give you these tiny little cups and expect you to not pee on your hand. After I finish I look at the cup and realize that I am just a little short of the line. I try to pee some more and there is nothing left. Damn. I go back and they make me sign all this paperwork stating that I will be given 2 hours and 3 glasses of water to try again and if I can't provide a suitable sample then it will go back to the employer that my sample was not suitable. I start worrying.

Then they start the physical. I had an ear test, eye test, pulse taken and blood pressure taken. My blood pressure was a little high (126/84), but I am sure it has come way down from a few weeks ago. Then they took me into a small room, instructed me to get undressed so the doctor could examine me. WTF? At this point I am pissed. I don't understand why all this has to occur because of my simple job. As usual the Doctor asked if I was on birth control and then looked at me weird when I told her NO. I wanted to say "it's none of your damn business".

I then go into the waiting room to drink my water and wait. Once I finished the water I waited about 30 minutes until I was getting uncomfortable. I then went in for try #2. This time not only did they get what they wanted, but they had plenty extra. Whew. I did not want to have a problem with this because I really need this job.

I then had my TB test and I was on my way. It was about a 15 minute drive home and I wasn't sure I was going to make it because I had to pee so badly. I was literally in pain when I pulled into the driveway. I never thought the garage door was going to go up.

So all this for my simple ass job. But it got me thinking that to someone it must be a really important job.

Look What I Found...

My Smile.

In Case of Emergency

Well, my orientation went just fine. It was a little sad sitting in there because I kept thinking how excited I was to accept this job and all the plans we had for this weekend (we were suppose to go to Dallas) and then our trip to Florida. Filling out all the necessary paperwork seemed a little overwhelming right now, but I got through it. Turns out my health plan is actually pretty good, but my dental is horrible. I need to figure out what I am going to do about that since I still have some work that needs to be done and the max this plan will pay out in one year is $1000. That wouldn't even cover one root canal.

One of the things that struck my heart all over again was when I was filling out the sheet for who they should contact in case of an emergency. Before I never had to question who that would be. I decided to put Laura down because our intent is to remain friends and I know she would be there for me if something did come up and there was an emergency.

I feel through this whole process I have been bipolar. One day I am fine and the next I am a complete mess. It does seem that each day gets just a little bit easier. I will take any good at this point.

Laura and I continue to talk while she is out of town. It is good talking to her and I am slowly learning to disconnect to her as my partner and now connect with her as my friend. The last three years she has been my best friend and I hope that through all of this we can still be friends. I can't imagine my life without her. I know she is feeling the same which is a nice comfort to some degree.

Thankfully tomorrow I have a full schedule. I have to get up and take the dog to the groomer and then go take my TB test and drug screen. I was hoping to get all of that done today, but since TB tests have to be read 3 days after they will not do the test on a Thursday. Darn.

Lessons

I have my orientation for my new job this morning. It will be good to get out and do something other then think about what went wrong with Laura and I. I still miss her greatly. But I am learning that I don't miss her from the last two weeks, but I miss the 2+ years before that. I don't know how this situation is going to play out in the end and I am not sure I want to know right now.

I am slowly accepting the fact that the Laura that I knew is no longer there. I am learning that the relationship we had as partners is no longer. I know she will always be a part of my life, but the reality that she is no longer my partner is the hardest to accept at this moment. But she has the right to be happy (and so do I), and if she is not happy with me then I need to learn to accept that so I can move on and be happy.

I have been praying to God each day (several times) for strength. For the second night in a row I slept all through the night. Getting up at 3am thinking about all of this is torture on my soul. I am just thankful for sleeping pills right now because I think they are the only reason I am able to sleep through the night.

Each day that I get up I am learning how to live without Laura as my partner. Being that this is something that is so new to me I am just taking it day by day. There are even moments where I am taking it minute by minute. But I have to believe that I will get through this and in the end I will be a stronger person on the other side.

Thank you for all the support I have received. Having such wonderful friends has made the fact that my family is not there for me a little easier to swallow.

What it Takes

It seems that whenever I go somewhere in the car I hear a song that I was meant to hear. This was todays song that I heard. The words are exactly what my heart is trying to say.

Wordless Wednesday

Breathing

Last night I had a mini breakdown and thanks to a wonderful person I was able to get through the night. Laura has been calling me which is nice. She called me last night before bed and then again this morning. We had a really good talk this morning and I can hear the pain she is going through in her voice. I am not good at patience and the last ten days or so have really tested my patience. I have to give her this space so she can see what she has here in KC with me. Right now I am taking it minute by minute. By the end of our first conversation this morning we were both laughing and it seemed like the old times. It was good to hear both of us laughing. I talked to her one more time before my interview and then after the interview. I am trying really hard at keeping our conversations middle of the ground. If we bring up too much stuff then we both get upset and that will get us no where right now.

It's only noon and I have managed to do the following, all without crying.

*Got up, took a shower and got dressed

*Went to pick up cigarettes. I didn't realize before this but the body really can live off of water and nicotine.

*Went to Walgreen's to pick up a few things that I need

*Drove to the dog groomer and made an appointment for Sophie to get her hair cut on Friday. I know she will feel better once her winter coat is trimmed down a bit.

*Went to my job interview. There was one moment during the interview where for some reason I started thinking about Laura and all that is going on and I could feel the tears welling up. I stopped, took a deep breath and continued to answer their questions.

*Went to Blockbuster and rented a couple movies that I have been wanting to see.

*Treated myself to McDonald's. Yesterday I ate 2 bagels and one White Castle burger. I have now lost 35lbs. Before this is all over I may be at my goal of losing 60lbs.

When I was getting dressed this morning I couldn't wear what I had originally planned on wearing to the interview. It's weird because almost none of my clothes are fitting. For the first time that I remember, almost all my clothes are too big. Looks like I need to go look for some new clothes. I think I am going to wait until I am feeling better because remember I hate shopping for clothes.

Evening

I am so lonely right now. I feel like there is something I should be doing, but I can't find anything to do. I have never felt so helpless in my life.

I miss Laura. I miss her so much. I just want her to come back so we can start fresh.

I don't know how I am going to get through the next 10 days. I have so many friends out there, but I have never felt so alone in my life.

Yesterday I was thinking that I just want my Mom. I just want someone that will take me in their arms and tell me that everything will be OK. It is so hard to find that reassurance in myself right now. A part of me knows that everything will be OK, but I still just need to feel the comfort of another human being right now.

I have talked to God more in the past week then I have in the past year. I feel bad about that. I feel that I should have been thanking God more when things were good. I wonder if he will actually hear my prayers. I hope He does because I need Him more then anything right now.

Everything is so overwhelming right now. I wonder how much longer I can hang on.

Time Apart

Laura is leaving this morning for ten days. She said she needs some time to think. I also need some time to think. It's been a rough week for the both of us with lots of talking and a lot more tears.

I pray that while she is away she realizes what she has here at home with me. And if she doesn't, then I hope I realize that she is not the one for me; at least not right now.

I have said what I needed to and now the ball is in Laura's court, so to speak. I just pray that she is safe over the next 10 days and that she is able to think more clearly about everything. Please say a prayer for her that she has safe travels as she drives today.

I wonder how I am going to get through the next 10 days. I know that I am looking forward to some peace. I am looking forward to not hearing her cellphone ring knowing it's the other person. I am looking forward to crying as much and as loud as I want without her looking at me like I am tearing her heart out. I just want some peace. I pray at least 10x a day for peace and strength. God is hearing my prayers because to some degree I do feel some inner peace for the first time in almost 2 weeks.

If Laura goes away and decides this is not what she wants, or I am not who she wants, then I have some important decisions to make. They will be tough, but I have to put myself first. I have to love myself first, above anyone or any situation.

Laura said that in all of this she knows one thing for certain: she wants me part of her life. I am still trying to figure that out and I think she is as well. I have to give her this space to figure that out. I am sad that she can not figure that out in the home we have created together. But I am willing to give her that space as well as give myself that space.

It's going to be rainy here all week and I am looking forward to it. It seems more appropriate to be crying when it is raining outside.

My motto through all of this has been and will continue to be:

Love got me here and Love will get me through

Today

I heard this song as we came home from lunch today. Laura and I had a really good lunch, but it does not change how she feels. I need to move on. I just wish I knew how to. I am hoping I find that way before it's too late. But I know I need to let Laura go in order to find out if she really belongs with me.

I Just Keep Praying

I have so many decisions to make that I don't know if I am coming or going. How can everything I have worked for in the past 3 years be shattered in one week. It still seems unbelievable to me. When something is shattered you really have to think if it's something you can put back together or if you need to just move on. At this point I don't know what to do. My heart is telling me something other then my mind. If the two were feeling/thinking the same thing everything would be simple and the decision would be clear. I pray each morning for strength to get me through another day. I find myself just sitting and staring outside looking for some guidance. This past week I have moved through each day like my body weights a ton and I am moving in slow motion.

I just keep praying.

Confidence

I have learned a lot about myself in the past week. It is hard learning about yourself and realizing that you have some changes to make in your life.

When Laura and I met my family was still talking with me. Upon them learning of my relationship with Laura they made me chose between them or her. I chose her. To this day I feel that decision was right. My parents were making me feel like I had to fit into their mold of what they thought I should be or who I should be with. It was very confining.

Through all this with Laura I am realizing that I was doing the same thing to her. I felt that I needed to ask her permission or guidance for everything. I was wrong to do that. I made her feel the exact same way my parents were making me feel; confined.

As I type this I am feeling more confident about myself and the situation that Laura and I are facing. I feel that I can handle this and no matter what happens I will be OK. No matter what happens it is not the end of the world as I know it. In the end I will either have a partner or I will have a best friend.

I need to take responsibility for what I have done to create this problem in our relationship. Looking back there are many things that I could have done differently. I am going to make those changes in my life whether Laura and I are best friends or partners. I have to for me and only me. When Laura and I got together I was a very confident person. Some where along the way I lost that confidence. I am working hard at regaining that confidence so that I can become the person I need to be.

Confidence is something that I have always struggled with. I think it goes back to what I was taught about myself when I was growing up. When I was 10 I wanted to be an architect and I gave up that dream because no one showed any confidence in me. I would sit and draw houses and landscapes for hours and hours with such detail when I was a child. At some point my parents got tired of looking at my drawings and I stopped showing them. As a Jehovah's Witness we were taught not to have any confidence in anything but God. I do have confidence in God, but I also need to have some confidence in myself. So confidence is something that I am committing to myself to work on. If I don't have any confidence in myself then how do I expect anyone else to?

On a side note: I got a call yesterday from another agency wanting me to interview with them. I did agree to an interview and have one next Tuesday. As excited as I am about the job that I have already been offered, this other job is also very interesting to me and I would be thrilled to work for them.

Appreciation

I am hanging in there. To say the last 5 days have been hard is the understatement of the year. It's a long process and it isn't always easy.

I appreciate the support I have gotten via this blog. The emails, phone calls and comments have been overwhelmingly supportive and well received. The moments when I feel all alone I open my email and find a message that makes me realize I am not alone. It feels good.

I also appreciate the support for not only me, but Laura as well. She has been overwhelmed with the kindness that has been shown to her. I personally appreciate the kindness that has been shown to her because this is not easy for anyone. We are both in a tough situation and I appreciate the support that we are both receiving.

I have my good moments where I think of the good times we have had and then I have my bad moments where I am overcome with sadness and grief. The mornings seem to be the hardest on me.

I start my new job a week from Monday and I am trying to pull myself together so that I can function again at work. I am looking forward to the distraction. There are moments during the day when I just get in the car and drive so that I can think of something else.

Love got me here and love will get me through this.

Friendship

I am exhausted. I am mentally exhausted and I am physically exhausted. I have lost 7lbs since last Wednesday. (BTW, I am now at 32lbs lost) I am not eating and to sleep at night I need to take a sleeping pill. My life is very hard right now.

Laura and I have decided to split up. There is no trip to Dallas next week. There is no trip to Florida next month. It is officially over.

I am sad about this. Very sad. I still love Laura and she loves me, but I guess we are better as friends. We are working hard at remaining friends and she is even going to stay in the house for a while. I do want to keep her in my life. I can't imagine a day without her and she has said the same about me. We are determined to make this work as friends. We have been through too much with each other to just say goodbye forever.

But being friends is still hard for me. I am working at not making her feel worse then she already does. But I need time. I need to time to mourn the partnership we had.

Part of me feels that I was blind for most of our relationship. I should have seen the signs coming, but I was not wanting to see them. Yes we had some very good moments, most of which I wrote about on this blog. But there have been some really hard times as well that I chose to keep private and will still keep private. It's not fair to either of us for me to air all our dirty laundry out there for anyone to read. I know that I still have some readers that think it's ok to say mean and horrible things to me, but I will not put up with that. This blog is my space and I can control what is said on this blog.

Laura and I had a great 3 years and I am going to miss our partnership. But I am looking forward to our future as friends. Like I said, I can't imagine a day without her in my life.

We went out to dinner tonight and have even been able to laugh about this situation. There have also been a lot of tears, but it's good to know that we are still able to laugh. Laughter is truly the best medicine.

Would I do it all over again? Hell yes I would. I don't regret a day that Laura and I spent together. We have had some really good times that I will remember for the rest of my life. She will always be a part of my life and I will always be a part of her life.

At this point I think of how our life is going to be different and the only thing that is different is we are not going to be partners. We are still friends and will remain that.

It's amazing the friends I have that have come out of nowhere to help support me and I thank each and every one of you. I am sorry that I have not responded to all of you, but keep in mind what I have been going through the last week. I hope to get around to each of you to thank you for all your kind words of support and love.

The one amazing thing is the person that has given me the most support in all of this is Laura. This is the first break-up that I have had where we are so civil. And honestly, it feels good this way. Some might think we are crazy for insisting that we remain friends and there are probably others who are doubting if that will actually happen. Don't get me wrong, I still feel a lot of anger, but that is slowly being turned to thankfulness and feelings of being grateful for the time I was able to share with her. Laura is an amazing person and I don't regret one minute we spent with each other. She has given me the world and really shown me how to be the real me. I will always be thankful for that. So, thank you Laura.

I never wish her anything but love and happiness and if she is able to find happiness with someone else right now then she has the right to search out that happiness.

One day I know I will find happiness again and find that someone special. Who knows, they may be just around the corner. I am not giving up on love because I deserve love and I deserve to be happy. Both Laura and I deserve that.

Taking a Break

I need to take a break from blogging. I need to focus all my time and energy into my relationship with Laura.

I may be gone for just a couple of days, or it might be a couple of weeks. But I will be back at some point.

Thank you all for the kind and supportive words you have all given me and all the phone calls I have gotten. I never imagined that something like this would be going on in my life and I really never imagined all the support and friendship I would get from my blogger friends. I can't thank you enough.

Starting New

I just got a call from Laura. She is coming home tomorrow and for the first time in days she sounded excited about coming home.

We are going to go away for a couple days to work things out. But I know we can and hearing Laura say she is coming home to me was the best words I have heard all week.

Prayers

I need all the prayers I can get. Please just pray for me.

Almost Spring

It appears that spring is almost here in Kansas City. The weather has been almost perfect here the last few days. Next week is suppose to be even better with temps in the high 70s. I know Laura will be in heaven since she is a true sun goddess.

As I was sitting on the couch watching my third Little House on the Prairie for the day I noticed there was some commotion on the back deck. I got up and looked and this little guy was standing at the back door looking in. When he saw me he quickly moved off the deck by the tree. I went and got a piece of bread since he looked like he was hungry. (I am not sure why he looked hungry, but he did) I threw out the bread and he ran up the tree with it to eat it. See, he was hungry. I feel sorry for him because he has almost no tail. Just a little bob of a tail. Reminds me of one of the cats we had growing up. Bartles was a sweet cat, but due to an accident when he was a kitten 90% of his tail had to be removed. We always wondered what he would look like if he actually had a long tail.

Seeing this squirrel today also reminded me of my Dad. When I was around 12 he become the best friend to all the squirrels in our neighborhood. He would feed them daily and even became so friendly with one that he would eat out of my Dad's hand. He would get them corn and he had all these feeders all around our yard. It was always fun watching them try to figure out the feeders.

Laura will be leaving bright and early tomorrow for St. Louis. She is taking the laptop so I will actually have to get off the couch, go upstairs and use the desk top. Oh the insanity. But I am sure I will manage just fine.

I already miss Laura.

It's Not Easy Being Green

We have a problem. Our tank suddenly got cloudy and green a week or so ago. The last time this happened was after the Fix-it Guys were here and they installed track lighting right above the tank and didn't cover it. It killed all the fish in our tank and we had to pretty much start over with new fish and everything. Well, we had 2 Neons that survived, but those little things would probably survive if I took them out of water for a day. They are very tough. We have been changing 20% of the water every couple of days, but it's still a little cloudy and green. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what we can do? We have 2 Balasharks that we have grown to love over the past 9 months. We don't want to loose them.

This weekend Laura is going out of town for work and will be gone Friday-Sunday. This is the first time since we have been together that we are going to be apart for more then one night. And actually the only night we have been apart was the one night when I went to Chicago for a conference and I was gone for less then 24 hours. I know Laura is looking forward to her little getaway and I am looking forward to having Sophie-dog up on the bed during the night. Laura is just going to St. Louis, but I know she is really looking forward to the drive and the hot tub at the hotel. I am a little jealous of the hot tub, but not the drive. I hate driving on I-70. I told her I would be ok with her being gone for the weekend if she would bring me back some White Castle burgers. She agreed, but said I was really asking for a lot since she would have to drive 3+ hours with those "God damn stinky burgers" in the car. The things we do for love.

Since I will have the house to myself for 2 days, does anyone have any suggestions as to what I could do with my time since I have no idea what to do.

Wordless Wednesday

Getting There

Today Laura and I went out looking for our clothes for our ceremony. Since I have put on weight I have hated shopping for clothes. OK, that is a lie, I have always hated shopping for clothes, but since I have gained weight I have hated it even more. I was looking forward to this shopping trip because we were looking for our outfits for the ceremony, not because I got to try on a lot of clothes. I have always had a false sense of what looks good on me and what I like. The things I like never look good on me and I always walk away disappointed and feeling bad about myself.

Today was different. I walked in found the top I am going to wear almost immediately. I was praying as I went back to the dressing room that it would look good and this wasn't another false sense of reality. The size was a size that I have not worn in probably 4 years. As I put the top on I was thrilled. It fit perfectly and more importantly, it looked great. I can not tell you how excited I was/am. I even ventured into the pants aisle and picked out a pair of pants that are a size that I have not seen since when I got married the first time. I tried them on, and yes they are a little snug, but dammit they fit. Probably just another 5lbs and they will fit perfectly.

I am happy that I am finally seeing some results from all my hard work. The above picture if one that Laura just took. Last summer the shirt I am wearing was fitting a little tight. Now it's almost to the point where it is too big.

Now that I have my outfit for the ceremony and my vows written I am officially ready for Florida. It's going to be a long 5 1/2 weeks.

6 Weeks From Today

Six weeks from today Laura and I will be exchanging our vows in Key West. I have been struggling trying to find the right words to say to Laura. How do you tell someone they are the reason you are still here? Since the fall I have been trying to put the words together and have been praying that I would not sound like an idiot when I say those words to her.

Saturday night I was driving to pick up our dinner when the words finally came to me. I kept thinking "I can't forget these words, I can't forget these words". I came home and typed them up right away. I went back on Sunday and added a few things, but overall I am thrilled with what I have come up with.

It's hard to believe that we are almost to April 16 already. I have been looking forward to this day since..well...forever. I was recently thinking about my first marriage. The vows my ex-husband and I exchanged were the standard vows for JW's. There was nothing personal in them. It was very boring. This time is so different. First of all, I am totally in love with Laura. I think I loved my ex-husband, but I don't think I was in love with him. Now that I am in love I know how it feels, and I was in no way in love with my ex.

We have a busy 5 1/2 weeks until we leave for Florida. Two weeks from this Saturday we are flying to Dallas to meet up with our friends Sharon & Jen. It's going to be a fun weekend. The day after we get back from Dallas I start my new job. Then 2 1/2 weeks later we leave for Florida.

I want our weekend in Dallas and our trip to Florida to go slowly so I can take in everything. Last April our trip to Florida was a trip of a lifetime. We are so thankful that we get a second trip of a lifetime and this time I get to tell my love of a lifetime what she means to me. It's going to be perfect, just perfect.

Faith Interrupted

I am just having one of those days where I feel my faith is no where to be found. I read many blogs from people that have tremendous faith and never seem to be low on it. I wish I had an unlimited amount of faith, not only in myself but God. Right now I am running low and I wish I could find the place that I could fill up on my faith.

I don't want to blame all of this on my upbringing because for the last 3+ years I have been on my own with no influence from the Watchtower or Jehovah's Witnesses. But I think my faith or lack of faith sometimes goes back to when I was a small child and what I was taught then. Those early years when I was being taught about faith still effect me to this day. Sometimes I get so angry with myself that I can't just let go of those teachings and/or guilt.

If you go to GNC or any health store there are many herbal teas that allow you to cleanse your body. I wish there was one for faith. I would love to drink something that would completely cleanse my mind of all the teachings I had been taught. I want to be able to start over with God. I want to find that magic cleansing that will make everything ok with my mind and God.

Growing up as a Jehovah's Witness we were taught that having a cross was sac-religious. You were not to worship any item. Our faith was led by blind men and we were to just believe what they were teaching us. I always questioned what I was being taught. When I would ask a question I would quickly be told not to ask so many questions. Finally at one point I stopped asking questions. I was being force fed so much crap that finally my mind and heart started rejecting it.

I keep searching and I hope one day that I will find peace with God. The little faith that I do have says that one day I will.

*The above picture is the little collection Laura and I have of crosses. We try to pick up a new cross each time we go on vacation.

Day Trip

Laura and I decided today to drive the 45 minutes west to Lawrence, Kansas. We were both wanting a little road trip and there were a couple stores we wanted to go to. I love Lawrence because most of the stores there are one of a kind with very unique things. I went to the University of Kansas for my masters degree and it had been since my graduation that I had been in Lawrence. It was a fun day, although a bit windy. Here are some pictures of our day trip.
This is the main shopping street in Lawrence. I just love all the stores along this street. I would talk about the stores we went to, but they involve a gift for someone that reads this blog.

Here is KU's mascot, the Jayhawk. I am not sure what a Jayhawk is, but I think it's very cute.

A park on campus. The campus is just beautiful, even in the middle of winter when everything is brown. At my graduation we marched around this pond going down to the stadium. It was so beautiful and I will never forget that walk.

The sky was so pretty with the sun shinning in and the clouds.

Another shot of the clouds and sun. Have I told you how much I love my new camera? It's amazing how better the pictures are.

I thought this car was odd. Can you imagine driving around with your car like this? I can't.

It was a great day and it was great getting out of town for a while. Our days are coming to an end where we can get in the car and just drive somewhere on a workday. I am going to miss these days, but now we know what we have to look forward to when we retire.

Can't Think of a Title Today

Today I went to my old agency to have lunch with a co-worker as well as pay my premium for my dental insurance. I was told last week that there was a small chance that they were changing dental companies and to wait until I came in today to pay. I walked in today and was told that the insurance did indeed change and it was affective today. I asked how much I needed to pay and I was told the new insurance would not accept me because I was "cobra". Huh? Makes no sense to me. So as of today I have no dental insurance. I am angry with my old employer because I think they had an obligation to inform me that I would no longer have dental insurance after Feb. 28. I've talked with a couple people and they think that legally I should be given 30 days notice regarding the insurance. I am not sure about that, but I still think my old agency had an obligation to tell me. If I had known I would have gone and had those root canals done. Today was just another reason that I was thankful that I no longer work there.

I just have three weeks until I start my new job and will hopefully get benefits. Until then I am not going to worry about it. I have no pain in my teeth and who knows if I even need a root canal.

Last night I woke up at 2:30am with this horrible pain in the middle of my chest. I turned over and Laura was not in bed. I went downstairs and she was having trouble sleeping as well. I told her about the pain and she asked me a few questions about the pain and we decided it was just really bad heartburn. We went out to dinner last night and I ate stuff that my body is no longer used to. I took a couple Tums and went back to bed. Within about 20 minutes the pain was gone. I have never in my life had heartburn like that. It actually scared me. The pain felt like my lungs were hurting. It was the weirdest feeling and I hope to never feel that again.