I am exhausted. I am mentally exhausted and I am physically exhausted. I have lost 7lbs since last Wednesday. (BTW, I am now at 32lbs lost) I am not eating and to sleep at night I need to take a sleeping pill. My life is very hard right now.
Laura and I have decided to split up. There is no trip to Dallas next week. There is no trip to Florida next month. It is officially over.
I am sad about this. Very sad. I still love Laura and she loves me, but I guess we are better as friends. We are working hard at remaining friends and she is even going to stay in the house for a while. I do want to keep her in my life. I can't imagine a day without her and she has said the same about me. We are determined to make this work as friends. We have been through too much with each other to just say goodbye forever.
But being friends is still hard for me. I am working at not making her feel worse then she already does. But I need time. I need to time to mourn the partnership we had.
Part of me feels that I was blind for most of our relationship. I should have seen the signs coming, but I was not wanting to see them. Yes we had some very good moments, most of which I wrote about on this blog. But there have been some really hard times as well that I chose to keep private and will still keep private. It's not fair to either of us for me to air all our dirty laundry out there for anyone to read. I know that I still have some readers that think it's ok to say mean and horrible things to me, but I will not put up with that. This blog is my space and I can control what is said on this blog.
Laura and I had a great 3 years and I am going to miss our partnership. But I am looking forward to our future as friends. Like I said, I can't imagine a day without her in my life.
We went out to dinner tonight and have even been able to laugh about this situation. There have also been a lot of tears, but it's good to know that we are still able to laugh. Laughter is truly the best medicine.
Would I do it all over again? Hell yes I would. I don't regret a day that Laura and I spent together. We have had some really good times that I will remember for the rest of my life. She will always be a part of my life and I will always be a part of her life.
At this point I think of how our life is going to be different and the only thing that is different is we are not going to be partners. We are still friends and will remain that.
It's amazing the friends I have that have come out of nowhere to help support me and I thank each and every one of you. I am sorry that I have not responded to all of you, but keep in mind what I have been going through the last week. I hope to get around to each of you to thank you for all your kind words of support and love.
The one amazing thing is the person that has given me the most support in all of this is Laura. This is the first break-up that I have had where we are so civil. And honestly, it feels good this way. Some might think we are crazy for insisting that we remain friends and there are probably others who are doubting if that will actually happen. Don't get me wrong, I still feel a lot of anger, but that is slowly being turned to thankfulness and feelings of being grateful for the time I was able to share with her. Laura is an amazing person and I don't regret one minute we spent with each other. She has given me the world and really shown me how to be the real me. I will always be thankful for that. So, thank you Laura.
I never wish her anything but love and happiness and if she is able to find happiness with someone else right now then she has the right to search out that happiness.
One day I know I will find happiness again and find that someone special. Who knows, they may be just around the corner. I am not giving up on love because I deserve love and I deserve to be happy. Both Laura and I deserve that.
22 comments:
Wow. I don't know what to say except I'm sorry. For both of you. This has to be so difficult and yet, you both seem to be handling it so well...with a level of maturity rarely seen in these situations; especially so soon into it. Be proud of yourself for handling yourself so well.
I am really, really, really sorry. Always remember though that God doesn't close the door without first opening a window. Have faith.
Hugs.
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry...for both of you. I've been thinking of you. {{{{{Caroline & Laura}}}}}
OK. I love you both. :'(
And I hope you really can be friends. There were many good times, and that shouldn't be forgotten.
Hugs.
It's none of my business, but I'm going to say it anyway. If you both still love each other, and can't imagine a day w/o each other in your lives, then perhaps you should look at couples counseling before a complete break, OR, look at it as a way to make sure you break in a healthy way to maintain the friendship. No need to answer back on it in the comments, just food for private thought. Regardless, my heart goes out to you both.
I am so taken aback by your announcement and even though you both seem to be putting on a brave face, I know this must be incredibly difficult for you both.
Good for you at not throwing stones and maintaining a friendship, that speaks well of your relationship.
Wow. I'm so sorry, Caroline.
I know it's difficult and I'm sure at the moment you probably have so many feelings that you don't really have clearity on what you truly feel. I would tend to agree with Sassy on this one, if what you are being told is truth.
But, since you are not the party who wants out and you really have no control over her leaving, in all hostensty, I would advise that you not live together for even a week longer. It's only going to make it that more difficult for you to go through this break up. And if you really want to be friends, I really think it's best for both of you to live apart and start living seperate lives. I would probably advise you not to talk or work on a friendship for quite a while. You're not going to be able to work through your feelings and gain any sort of new perspective with her living there and with her continuing to be your support system.
I know you weren't really asking for advice, but sometimes when you're in the thick of things it's hard to see the forest for the trees.
Caroline.. I'm speechless. I just don't know what to say....
except it's better this happened BEFORE Florida then after but still...
Honey I am here for you. I wish I could give you a hug.
Laura, I still covet your hair. ;)
I wish you both much love and happiness and sincerely hope you can remain friends.
carry on! life is sometimes hard:)
Caroline-(((hugs)) I'm really sorry.
Aw, Caroline, I'm so sorry to hear this. I won't try to give advice, since I really know so little about the situation. I do know that any loss feels a lot different in that initial shock period than it will later. I hope you are able to maintain the same good perspective throughout.
I'm with Sassy and Zoe. It's hard to imagine going from- one day planning your commitment ceremony to the next day breaking up- without trying to get some professional intervention. Three years is a long time to invest in a relationship without considering all of the options. It sounds like you are trying to be very mature and hopeful about continuing your friendship, but I'm afraid that the reality of all of this hasn't quite hit you yet. Please call someone, if not for the two of you, at least for you to get help through this loss.
Just take things day by day Caroline..It's the only way to deal with this kind of heartache.
You are in my thoughts! :)
I'm hoping that you two will be able to work it out, and I am with those who said to seek professional help. I know that it helps to have a third person involved to get through the rough spots. It also helps to be able to really dig deep into the underlying reasons for everything that is happening. Be well.
Caroline, I'm really sorry. I haven't looked at your blog in a few days, and this was the last thing I expected to find when I checked in tonight. Take care of yourself during this hard time.
I'm sorry. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you! I will continue to keep you in my thoughts & prayers!!
Take care of youself!
I'm stunned. And I am so sorry.
I'm so sorry as well. I hadn't read your blog when I paged you on IM. I just saw you on there and was happy for a chance to talk :(
I'm so sorry. On your behalf, I would like to kick any commenters that say anything along the lines of, "Just go on and live the best life that you can," and all of that.
My heart aches for you and Laura. Please, please, please, reach and and contact whomever can bring you comfort. Including me. I'm thinking of you.
I could hardly believe my eyes as I read your post. My thoughts are with you both.
- Karen
You know that I am here for you if you need a shoulder. I'm sorry that it couldn't work out. But I admire your strength! You are an awesome lady!
I am so very sad and so sad for you both. I read this last night, but I was too stunned to comment then.
Big hugs to the both of you, I can only imagine how difficult this must be.
my heart is breaking for you right now. I've been reading you for a while, and I hope things get better soon. You both sound like wonderful people who deserve evrey happiness.
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