It All Comes Around

I do my best to be a good person in all areas of my life. Even when people have hurt me deeply, I rarely talk bad about them. I really believe that you get back what you give. So that means if you are kind to the world, you will have kindness in your own life. How you speak to the world is how the world will speak to you.

I have learned this past year to let things go. I don't hold onto things anymore; especially if it's something that has upset or hurt me. And honestly, it feels great to let go of all that ugliness.

So, for those that continue to leave comments that are unkind and send hateful emails you need to remember what goes around comes around.

Ben is Stressed

So I am still having trouble with Ben peeing on the bed. He has been to the vet and there is nothing wrong with him medically, so it is behavior. At first I thought it was because of all the stress we have been through. When I was so depressed and would sit on the couch just crying and I would look down and poor Ben would be sitting on the floor right at my feet just looking at me. I know he was really confused. Plus, Laura was Bens buddy. He loved her and loved laying on her. So when she moved out I know he really missed her. Then we had to say goodbye to Sophie-cat, Astro and then of course Brady. Brady and Ben used to always run around chasing each other and I know he misses him as much as I do, but he doesn't understand why he is gone. Then there is the whole packing during the summer and not going anywhere. For months and months the house had boxes all over the place, which was probably very hard for him.

Then we moved for real and that really freaked him out. He stayed in the basement the entire time and only came up a couple of times. Poor guy. He was very happy when we moved back to the house and I tried to convince him that he had dreamed the move. It didn't work.

On Tuesday Ben peed on the bed again. I washed everything again (for about the 50th time) and I did not put the bedspread back on the bed and have been using my sleeping back (all opened up) as the comforter. Well, that seems to have worked for now. He has not peed on the bed and I am hoping by getting rid of the comforter he will stop this horrible habit he has picked up.

Although, I did realize that the comforter is Laura's and maybe that is why he chose that to take his anger out on.

The Vacuum

Lynilu gave me a great idea for a story, but before I tell the story I need to share something with you that happened tonight. I was watching The Golden Girls and started laughing. Ben was right next to me and he looked at me like, "What in the world are you doing?" Yea, I think it's been a while since I have truly laughed. I realized tonight how much the animals were affected by my sadness and it makes me so sad for them. But things are looking up and I am feeling wonderful. Just ask Lynilu....she seems to be the target of my horrible sense of humor lately. Thankfully she is a good sport about it. At least I hope so.

In Lynilu's comment she said I should share the story about my privilaged upbringing. So here goes:

I was a spoiled brat. Yes it's true, I was spoiled and a brat. My Father was (he is now retired) a Coorporate Attorney and this allowed me to have a lot of things and never worry about money. I feel I am lucky because I never wanted for anything, but I think that also hurt me in a lot of ways. My Mom was a stay at home Mom until I was in Middle School and even then she only worked part time while I was in school. It wasn't until I was in high school that she went back to work full-time.

For some reason my Mom did not teach me to be domestic. She never taught me how to cook or do any cleaning. I think part of the whole cleaning thing is; we had someone come in every week to clean the house. So I was never taught how to scrub a toilet, bathtub..etc. It is interesting because when I was in middle school my parents did teach me how to do my laundry and I was responisble for it.

Well, when I was about 10 my parents were having people over and my Mom asked me to vacuum the living room. I seriously think this was the first time I used the vacuum because it was very aparent that I had no idea what I was doing. Our carpet was kind of thick and I turned on the vacuum and drove it like a car. I made all kinds of circles and because the carpet was thick you could see exactly where I had been in the living room. When my Mom came back she freaked and said, "what have you done?"

When I got married and moved out I had no idea what I was doing. I was a horrible housekeeper and you could see that just from walking into the apartment. One day I was out with some ladies from church and we decided to stop at the apartment. I really didn't think anything about it until they all walked in. I wouldn't say they looked shocked, but I finally realized what the place looked like, As soon as they left I spent rest of the day cleaning the apartment. I decided right then and there that when I leave the house my house needs to be clean because you never know who will be walking into your house.

So, that is my story about the vacuum. Hey, my childhood may not have been perfect, but I have some really good stories because of it.

This & That

I read this story today and it really pissed me off. I don't understand how people could just leave their pets behind. When I was looking at apartments I had to make sure that all my pets would be welcome. There is this one lady at work that took her dog to a shelter because he was too active. I just don't get it. Aren't dogs suppose to be active? It was so hard for me during the summer when I had to find a home for Astro. It broke my heart and still to this day I can't think too much about him because I wonder if I did the right thing. I still feel guilt about it, but pray that he is doing fine.

One a lighter note: I have found a new favorite show. I love seeing people acting like complete fools. You really need to check out this show.

For some reason I have had trouble finding things to blog about. I have all these things I want to share, but I am having trouble finding a place to start. So I am asking help from you guys. Is there anything you would like to hear more about: growing up as a Jehovah's Witness, being married to my ex-husband for 5 years.......etc. I am hoping one of your comments will help me get over this writing slump.

Seven

Ok, I was tagged by Fern which is a good thing because I was struggling coming up with a post for tonight. Here are the rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Leave a comment on their blog so that their readers can visit yours.
3. Post the rules on your blog.
4. Share the seven (7) most famous or infamous people you have met. Or go with the original 7 weird things about yourself.
5. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post.
6. Include links to their blogs.
7. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

I am going to mix the rules up a little. I will share some weird things about myself as well as some famous/infamous people I have met.

1) I have a huge fear of quitting smoking. To me I don't remember what life was like before I started smoking. I have this fear of being bored at home and in the car. Or maybe this fear is just an excuse not to quit.

2) When I was 19 we flew to this tiny island in the Caribbean (can't remember the name). We flew on one of those small airplanes and one of the other passengers was Dick Clark. I remember thinking, "Gee he looks old in real life". My second thought was, "Wow, if this plane crashes I could be famous".

3) I am obsessed with numbers. I count a lot of things and most of the time I don't even realize I am doing it. When I do realize I am counting I make myself stop. The first time I remember counting was when we were in Minnesota visiting my Grandparents and I would count the power lines.

4) I am scared to death of horses. When I was a kid I was bucked off one and ever since then I am terrified of them.

5) I dated Dan Renzi (Real World-Miami) in Middle school. Funny thing: we are both gay now. Oh, and when I came out to my parents my mother brought up the fact that I had relationships with "homosexual men". I think it's pretty funny.

6) I have been to Hawaii 5 times and on one of those visits I rode a Donkey down a volcano.

7) I love the taste of tap water. I drink about 70oz a day and when I don't get at least 64oz I feel dehydrated.

I tag Julie, Lynilu, Casey, Shea and Bobbie. Yea, it's not 7, but I think most people have done this. If I didn't tag you and you want to play along let me know in the comment section.

And here's proof that I am feeling better:

Crash & Boom

This morning I was sitting in my office working when all of a sudden I heard this loud crash on my window. I looked out to see that the metal awning had blown off into my window and on someones car. We don't have the best landlord and we were all talking that the awning was going to fall at some point and with the wind today it came crashing down. Thankfully no one was hurt (we stand right under it to smoke) and the car was not damaged that much. I am also glad it didn't break my window because I would have had glass everywhere.

I am so excited because I am feeling so good. I am now wondering why I didn't start meds before now. I wake up in the morning with more energy and seem to have an easier time falling asleep at night. I feel like when I sleep my brain finally gets some rest. I did the payroll this morning and I swear for the first time I was not confused when doing them and it went really well. Even a hateful email from an ass did not upset me.

I am so happy that I have some clarity on things now. No, my meds won't make all my problems go away, but I have an easier time thinking and making decisions seem a little easier now.

Happy Monday to everyone!

Not What It Looks Like

Just by looking at me, you would never know that I __________________________.

Sex Education

At the expense of myself, I am going to share a very funny story with you. It is funny now, but at the time I was a scared 16 year old.

The summer when I was 16 I was "dating" this guy from the church. One day he came over when no one was home and we started making out. Keep in mind, I was not suppose to have any boys over while my parents were not there because when you are dating someone you are never allowed alone with them. When I was dating my ex-husband we had to have someone with us at all times and even 3 weeks before our wedding my Mom yelled at me because we were in my bedroom with the door shut. Anyway.....

So Tim came over and we were making out. One thing led to another and he ended up cumming on my inner thigh. After he left I got really scared. I had heard that sperm could swim and I was terrified that they had swam up my leg and I was now pregnant. Keep in mind only about an hour had passed since Tim had left. What does a scared 16 year old Jehovah's Witness do? Why she calls Planned Parenthood of course. So I called Planned Parenthood because I know they will have the right answer for me and reassure me that there is no way I am pregnant. Instead the lady on the phone told me that there could be a chance I was pregnant. WTF????

By this point I am freaking out!!! So, I walk up to the local drug store and buy a pregnancy test. Again, keep in mind this is still the same day. I took the pregnancy test home and immediately took it and was so relieved that I was not pregnant.

The point of this story (besides to make you laugh): Please teach your kids about sex. My parents never once talked to me about sex and how you get pregnant, or how you don't get pregnant.

If you thought this story was funny, then I have a really funny one about when my ex husband and I got married.

Comments

Ever since I decided to move into a studio apartment, I have been worried about my couch fitting in the living room. My couch isn't huge, but the living room of the apartment is very small. So this morning I measured my couch and headed over to the apartment to see if they would let me measure the wall. They were very nice and I got to see the inside of my apartment for the first time. I was reminded how small the space really is, but also could really picture living there. (I never really did with the apartment I was suppose to move into last August) I measured the wall and was thrilled to find out that the couch will fit. I am so happy. While I was there I asked about the carports and how much they are a month. To my surprise, they are only $10/month. The last apartment I was lived in charged $25/month, but at $10/month I am sure I can fit that into my budget. Everything seems to be coming together perfectly for this move and I really can't wait to move.

A couple nights ago Lynilu and I were talking and she told me that I really needed to start responding to my comments again. I go back and forth in regards to responding to all your comments. I know that I like having someone respond to the comments I leave, so I don't know why I don't always do that on my blog. One of my favorite blogs always has great comments and sometimes the comment section turns into a whole new discussion.

So tell me what you guys like. Do you like it when someone responds to the comments, do you go back and see if someone has responded to your comments, and what do you do on your blog?

Small World

Here's another example of it being a very small world:

My co-workers and I went to lunch today and about 30 minutes after we were seated a group came in and I looked at this one woman like, "I know her from somewhere". It took me a couple minutes and then I realized where I knew her from. Her sister has a blog that I read on a daily basis. Here's the crazy thing: her sister doesn't even live in Kansas City. I debated about whether to go up and say anything since it wasn't actually this person that had a blog. I finally decided that I would say something when we were leaving, just in case it wasn't who I was thinking it was and I made a complete fool of myself.

So when we left I went up to her and asked her if her name was ______. She said yes and had this really surprised look on her face. I then asked if she had a sister named Kim that lived in Arkansas. By this point I am sure she was thinking I was a compete freak and I know she was wondering how I knew all this stuff. I then told her that I read her sisters blog and I recognized her from there. She started laughing and said, "boy it's a small world".

It really is a small world.

On Fridays I Really Love My Job

Another week has almost come and gone. I love my job, but I find that I really love my job on Fridays. And now that I have a good tech supervisor for the weekends, I don't have to worry about getting called in.

I really don't think my co-workers realize how this job literally saved my life. Last April I went to visit Lynilu and while I was there I saw the opening for this job. I sent my resume not really thinking I would get the job. To my surprise they called me within a couple of weeks for an interview. I knew from the moment they called me that I wanted this job. You have no idea how happy I was when they called and offered me the job.

I will have been at my job for a year this May. Part of me finds it hard to believe that it has almost been a year, but then it also seems like so long ago that I started. But I do know that each day I go into work I am thankful for not only my job, but I am thankful for the people I work with. They are some of the greatest people I have ever worked with and I know in the process I have also gained 4 really good friends.

In other news: my blood pressure is still very high. Today it was still 157/110. I am drinking lots of water to "flush" my system so I can get this medication out as soon as possible. But here is some really good news: for the first time in eleven months I have not cried in more then a week. And that feeling is absolutely awesome.

(The above picture I took on the way home from work one rainy day)

The Truth....Part VII

Having someone tell you that God no longer loves you can be very devastating. On the outside I was telling people that I knew the elders were wrong, but deep down inside I kept wondering if they were right. In a matter of months I went from being part of a very strict religion to literally not believing in God at all. Each night I still prayed and asked God for a sign that He did exist and more importantly that He still loved me.

On the evening of June 10, 2005 Laura and I met up for dinner. As we drove home it was rush hour and there were lots of cars on the highway. Out of nowhere a semi-truck appeared and hit us, which sent us spinning into traffic. We spun into the median and then was thrown back into traffic. We then hit the median again and came to a stop. It really was one of the scariest things I have ever experienced. I remember spinning in and out of traffic knowing there were cars all around us and thinking we were going to die. Somehow neither of us were hurt. The paramedics did come and check us out and they told us that the last time they saw a wreck as bad as ours no one survived. What the paramedic said didn't hit me until the next morning.

The only reason I walked away from that accident was because of God. I realized that God never stopped loving me and had heard all of my prayers.

After the car wreck I realized how fragile life really is. But I continued to struggle with my self-esteem and feeling like I was not worthy of love from anyone. I did not cut while Laura and I were together, but I did think about it often. It wasn't until a month after the break-up that I started to cut again.

I know I have used cutting as a way to cope and I realize that this is very unhealthy. I don't know why at the age of 29 I started doing this and sometimes feel like I have been cursed because of the desire to cut sometimes.

This past April I cut again for the first time in three years. It's almost like being in recovery from drugs/alcohol and having a relapse. At the time when I cut I couldn't think of anything else then making the pain go away. I was sad for losing the partner that I once loved so much and I was sad for the family that I had lost three years before. One thing I realized this past spring was that I never dealt with the loss of my family. I think I was acting like it didn't matter that my family wanted nothing to do with me, but that is easy to say when you have a supportive partner to fall back on. Realizing that I am truly by myself makes the thought of my family rejecting me so much harder.

When Jehovah's Witnesses refer to their religion it is often called "The Truth". One thing I have realized it, the witnesses really have no idea what the truth is. They go around preaching that they are right and everyone else is wrong. Their hate has devastated thousands of lives. I am glad that I have not allowed their hate to devastate my life.

My truth is so different then the witnesses truth. My truth tells me that God loves me no matter who I love. I lived thirty years in a religion where I felt no connection to God. In both my relationship with God as well as my sexual orientation: The truth has set me free.

Side Effects~Update

When I went to the doctor last Wednesday my blood pressure was close to perfect at 118/80. When the doctor said she wanted to start me on Effexor I told her that I was a little concerned because when I took it in 2002 it really raised my blood pressure. She insisted that it wouldn't. I should have listened to my gut feeling about Effexor.

Today I had the nurse take my blood pressure because I was curious as to what it was. Get this, it was 158/112!!! The nurse was very concerned and I told her about the meds and she told me to call my doctor ASAP because it was obvious that the Effexor was causing the high blood pressure.

It got me thinking and now all the sickness I have been feeling this past week all make sense now. I have had the following:

*Upset stomach
*Dizziness
*Feeling very tired
*Horrible headaches
*Blurred vision (this just started yesterday)

I put a call into the doctor and I am waiting to hear from her. I was suppose to double my dose tonight, so I am thankful that I did have the nurse check my blood pressure because I hate to see what doubling the dose would have done.

The one thing that sucks is I was really starting to feel better. I have had this amazing calmness about me, I am thinking more clearly and I have more energy.

I just hope the next med she puts me on will work as well in calming me down as Effexor did.

*Update*
The doctor put me on Lexapro and we'll see how it goes. I am happy that I work with 3 RN's and I can have my blood pressure checked on a daily basis.

The Truth...Part VI

Before I continue with the story I wanted to make a clarification. Julie had commented that she thought Laura was my first girlfriend. I had actually dated several women between 2000-2002, but I will say that Laura was my first serious relationship with a woman. OK, on with the story.

On the 4th of July in 2004 I spoke with my Mother several times. In one of the conversations I mentioned that Laura was thinking of moving in with me. My Mom's first question was "Which room is she going to sleep in?" I really didn't know what to say, so I told her I wasn't sure. I remember feeling like a teenager and I hated that feeling. When my Mom and I got off the phone Laura and I talked about the situation and I decided that I was tired of hiding who I really was and my family needed to know the truth. (I really think they knew, but were in denial) Within a couple minutes of my Mom and I hanging up the phone rang and it was my brothers wife. She told me that my Mom had just talked with her and had said, "if this is some kind of lesbian thing I will have nothing to do with her again." I knew what my Mom was saying was true and she would have nothing to do with me, but I needed to be honest with myself. It was time I stopped being ashamed of who I was.

I called my Mom and told her that Laura and I were partners and I was gay. There was silence on the other end of the phone. The next thing I knew my Mom hung up on me. I tried to call her back several times, but she would not answer the phone. At one point my Dad did answer and his only response was, "What in the world did you do?" I knew at this point there was no turning back.

I tried to call my Mom all that night and most of the next day, but she would not answer my calls. Laura kept telling me that she would eventually come around, but I knew deep in my heart that my Mom would never talk to me again.

Two days later I finally heard from my Mom. She sent me 3 emails telling me exactly what she thought of me. The emails were really hard to read, but it made me realize my Mom never really knew who I was. In one of the emails she told me I had one week to call the elders and tell them. I had no plans on calling the elders because I felt that what I was doing was not wrong.

As it turned out, my Mom didn't even give me a week because 5 days later one of the elders called me. This elder said that my Mom had called and discussed with him what I was doing. I explained to the elder that what I was doing was not wrong and I was not sorry about anything. He then explained that I would need to meet with the elders because a decision needed to be made. I am not sure why I agreed to it, but I told him I would meet with the elders.

After an hour meeting with the elders I waited 45 minutes while the three of them met in private to make a decision. Their decision was to disfellowship me for not repenting of my sins. I was not surprised and really had no emotion about their decision. I was not sad about being kicked out of the church again, but I knew it was going to be hard having to say goodbye to my family again. When I walked out the door that night the elders told me two things:

1) God would not hear my prayers
2) God would no longer love me

When you are disfellowshipped there is an announcement made to the congregation. I was told that my announcement would be made on July 29. I debated about not going, but decided to go since I had nothing to be ashamed about. I also was hoping to salvage some sort of relationship with my Mom and I felt that if I went for her then she would see that I did still love and need her. I walked in about 5 minutes before the announcement and sat next to my Mom. Right before the announcement was made my Mom reached over and grabbed my hand. The announcement took maybe thirty seconds and the second it was over my Mom let go of my hand. I truly believe that is when she let go of me completely and from that point on I was no longer her daughter. I then got up and walked out the door.

As I walked out I thought about what the elders had told me. As much as I didn't want to believe them, there was still a small part that wondered if they were right. I struggled with whether God loved me for months and months. When something would go wrong I would say it happened because God no longer loved me. It would take something big for me to realize that God did love me. Something big did happen and on June 10, 2005 I finally realized that God did love me and he did hear my prayers; all of them.

.........to be continued

Sad

To read more about this loss, click here.

My Answers

You guys asked some great questions, so here are my answers:

Lynn asked why I liked the snow and cold: Well, I never really thought about why I like winter so much. I know I hate summer because it is so hot in KC and it's so humid. When it's cold outside the air seems fresher and when it snows it's just gorgeous outside. I wish KC got more snow then what we actually get, so that is why I am seriously considering moving to a state that gets a lot more. I saw on the news that Upstate New York got over a foot of snow over the weekend. I would be in heaven if KC got that much snow.

Freshie asked if I was one of the frolicking fairies in my header picture: No I am not, but I think I have a small crush on the girl in the middle.

Deb asked if I celebrate my birthday since I was raised a Jehovah's Witness: I do indeed celebrate my birthday and all holidays now. 2004 was the first year where I celebrated my b-day and the other holidays. So, if I get a little excited about the holidays and my b-day it's because it's all so new to me.

Fern asked if I know anything about my birth mom and if my siblings are also adopted: I do know a lot about my birth mom. When I was 26 I requested for the paperwork from my adoption and I found what my birth mom and birth dad's names were, their birthdays and what they looked like. It was all very interesting. I should do a post about it sometime. One interesting fact: my birth mom has a twin. So, if I ever had a child the chances that I would have twins is greatly increased. My brother (who is 2 years older then me) is also adopted, but we have separate birth parents.

Shea asked what my dream job would be and if I would rather have KC or St. Louis ribs: I think my dream job would be owning a huge piece of land and running a no kill shelter. There are so many animals out there that need a good home and I would love to try to help. There is a new program on called Dog Town. I totally want that job. As far as the ribs: I have never had St. Louis ribs....but like I told you, I guess it all depends on who is in St. Louis.

Sophie's Story

Thank you all for your great questions. I plan on doing a post tomorrow with my answers. But there was one question that I felt deserved an entire post. Redfrog27 asked how I acquired Sophie. Here is the story about how the sweetest dog came to live with me:

In September 1998 I was doing an internship for my bachelors degree. I was working at a Emergency Assistance program in the inner city. My second week there I pulled into the parking lot and saw this little black puppy running around. It was not uncommon to see stray dogs just roaming the streets, so I really didn't think too much about this puppy. The security camera monitors were at the front desk and I kept looking in them seeing this little puppy running around and I was so afraid it was going to get hit. I then decided that if this puppy was outside at lunch time I would take it home. Well, when lunch time came I went outside and couldn't find the puppy anywhere. I was kind of relieved because I already had a dog. Around 3:00 I went on a home visit and when I arrived back at the building I saw the puppy across the street. I yelled "puppy puppy" and it came running towards me. So I picked her up and told her "If you are here when I get off at 4:30 then I will take you home."

When I left at 4:30, I found the puppy sleeping on the front steps. So I did what I promised to do; I picked her up, put her in my car and brought her home.

When I brought Sophie home I thought I was saving her, but the truth is, she has saved me.

The Truth...Part V

The summer of 2003 was very eye opening for me. Before I was fired I knew I needed to change my life, but I had no idea how I was going to do that. I am now thankful for my boss that did fire me because he forced me to reevaluate my life. The boss that did fire me was gay and looking back I hated him because he was living the life I wanted; I just didn't know it at the time.

I was unemployed for five months. I had a hard time finding a job because the market was horrible. During those five months my family felt like they could tell me what to do without asking. I was told I had to babysit my brothers two little kids everyday without even being asked. I love my nephews dearly, but I felt that someone should have at least asked if it was something I could do. And to be honest I was still severely depressed and babysitting a 6 week old and one year old was hard work.

Finally in December 2003 I found another job. I had no plans on staying at this job because the money was really bad. I was making less then what I made when got out of school with my bachelors, but it was a job. This job turned out to be a huge blessing. For the first time I was working with addicts and I found that I loved this kind of work and I felt like this was where I was suppose to be. I knew this was where I was suppose to be for my career, but I soon realized I was there for more then just my career/job.

I was in a job that I loved, but I was still finding myself very unhappy. About two months after I started working I started cutting again. I had already started distancing myself from the church, but I was still finding myself unhappy. I knew what I wanted, but I was scared to death. The first time I had been kicked out of the church (2000--for smoking) I only lasted a year on my own. I didn't know if I was strong enough or if I could live without my family. The cutting did not last long, maybe a week or two. Somewhere in that week of cutting I realized that if I continued to do this I would not have the life I dreamed about. So I started just accepting my life for the way it was and being thankful for what I did have. It was during this time that I became content.

In the spring of 2004 I was finally content. I was content with my job and my life. I had finally reached a point where I was truly OK with being single and that feeling felt great. It was nice not worrying about who I was going to be with and how it was all going to work out. I had stopped going to church and was loving my new freedom. My Mom was wondering why I was not going and I told her that I needed a "break". Surprisingly she was OK with that. For the first time in a long time I was happy.

I really believe the minute I was content with my life that was when I gave up control and knew things would work out exactly the way they were suppose to. Not two months after I found that peace and calmness, I met Laura.

I met Laura on May 7, 2004 and three weeks later we had our first date. After our first date I knew this was different then anything I had ever experienced or felt. For the first time in my life I felt like I was doing what I wanted and I didn't care what anyone else thought. Before our first date Laura and I talked on the phone a lot. At one point my Mom kept trying to call me, but I didn't answer the call waiting. She must have tried 10 times before trying my cellphone. Boy was she mad that I was not answering her calls. I remember thinking for the first time, "I am 30 years old and she has no right to be so involved with my life".

By late June of 2004 my parents were getting suspicious of this Laura person. They knew I was spending a lot time with her and even at one point had her over for dinner. I know they knew what was going on, but was afraid to admit it. The sad thing is, I think my parents and Laura would have really gotten along if they had just given our relationship a chance.

When I look back on those early days of me and Laura dating they were some great times. I was happy with my life and where it was going. For the first time ever I was living my life for ME and no one else. I didn't care what anyone thought about me or who I loved. It was as if I became courageous overnight. In reality I think I was finally being the Caroline that had been hidden for so long.

Finally on July 4th I had the courage to share the real Caroline with my family. I don't think it is a coincidence that the 4th of July is also called Independence Day.

.....to be continued

Your Questions

So let's play a little game. I have seen this on several blogs and thought I would give it a try.

Here is your chance to ask me anything. If you have always wanted to know something, but were afraid to ask; now is the time.

I will do a post in the next couple of days with your questions and my answers.

Go ahead...ask away.

Perfectly Cold

Well, it's day 4 of taking my meds. My stomach is feeling a lot better, but first thing in the morning my stomach is still a little upset. I was talking with Lynilu yesterday and I told her that I already feel calmer. Something else that I suffer from is OCD. I never really thought I did, but when I look back on some of my behaviors I clearly do have a little bit of OCD. I used to joke about how I would be with my yard and making sure it was mowed, but now I can see that it was an obsession. When I knew I had to mow I would think about it all day at work and I would not be able to relax until I was down mowing. And God forbid if it started raining. So, I am glad that I feel some calmness.

I ended up not going into work yesterday. I probably could have gone in, but I decided to do something for myself and give myself one more day. I ended up watching about 2 hours of The Golden Girls. It's been a while since I have laughed that hard.

To everyone else in KC it is really cold, but for me it's perfect. When I went out to Walmart this morning it was only 4 degrees. I got some of the strangest looks because I was only wearing a light jacket. To me the air feels fresher when it's cold. Sophie is loving the cold weather as well. About every 30 minutes she is asking to go outside where she will just lay in the snow. To both me and Sophie it is perfectly cold.

I am really struggling with my writing for part 5 of The Truth. One of my resolutions was not to talk about Laura on my blog, but she is a big part of the next part of my story. As angry as I am with her, I also know she is part of the reason I had the courage to come out to my family. On the flip side, she is also the reason I had a relapse in regard to me cutting. I think I just need to start writing and not worry so much about what I am saying. Thank you all for being patient and for being interested in my story and life.

Meme about Me

I stole this from Lynilu........

1. What time did you get up this morning? 5:15am. Sophie got me up to go outside.I then got up at 7am to call my boss to say I wouldn't be in. And then I got up for the day at 9:40am. I think I needed some sleep.

2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds

3. What was the last film you saw at the Movies? Becoming Jane

4. What is your favorite TV show? Amazing Race, ER, Intervention

5. What did you have for breakfast? Nothing; my stomach was still upset

6. What is your middle name? Ann

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Mexican

8. What foods do you dislike? Fish. I loved shelled fish, but do not like any other kind of fish.

9. Your favorite chips? KC Masterpiece BBQ

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? I don't know..but my favorite song is Underneath by Alanis Moriessette

11. What kind of car do you drive? 2002 Honda Accord

12. Favorite sandwich? Chicken Salad

13. What are characteristics you can't stand? Dishonesty homophobia

14. What are your favorite clothes? Jeans and t-shirt

15. If you could go anywhere on vacation, where would it be? Yes, I do love winter, but I could use a week on the beach right now.

16. Favorite brand of clothing? Eddie Bauer

17. Where would you want to retire? Up north somewhere

18. Favorite time of day? 7pm. The day has usually calmed down and I am usually relaxed.

19. Where were you born? Merriam, Kansas

20. Where have you lived? Leawood, KS & Kansas City, MO

21. What is your favorite sport to watch? Football

22. Who do you think will not post it on their blog? I have no idea

23. Person you expect to post it first? Again, no idea

24. Pepsi or Coke? Coke

25. Beavers or ducks? Um, I guess ducks

26. Are you a morning person or a night owl? M-F I am a morning person, but on the weekend I like staying up late.

27. Pedicure or manicure? Haven't had either done in a long time, but I would say pedicure

28. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? We're suppose to have a major snow storm on Monday...Yay!!!

29. What did you want to be when you were little? Teacher

30. What is your best childhood memory? Going to camp each summer

31. Piercing? Ears

32. Ever been to Africa? Not yet

33. Ever been toilet papering? Of course. But I personally preferred putting soap in the fountains

34. Been in a car accident? 2 when I was little (one of those being with a semi) and 1 as an adult which was also with a semi. Huh, I think I need to stay off the highways and away from Semi trucks.

35. Favorite day of the week? Friday

36. Favorite restaurant? Kokopellis, Sol Cafe

37. Favorite flower? Roses & Tulips

38. Favorite ice cream? Rocky Road

39. Favorite fast food restaurant? Sonic

40. How many times did you fail your driver's test? I think I failed my drivers test the first time, but got it on the second try

41. From whom did you get your last e-mail? I got an email letting me know I had a new comment

42. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Target and Barnes & Noble

43. Bedtime? During the week...10:30pm. Usually midnight on the weekends

44. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? Anyone who does this

45. Last person you went out to dinner with? My co-workers

46. What are you listening to right now? I am watching a rerun of The King of Queens

47. What is your favorite color? Navy Blue
48. How many tattoos do you have? One..a Dragonfly

49. How many are you sending this Email to? None

50. What time did you finish this e-mail? 10:36pm

51. Favorite magazine? People

Strange Encounter

When MG and I broke up I decided that I was not going to actively search for anyone to date. If someone approached me then that was fine. So last night I got a message from this woman in Canada who said she was interested in getting to know me better. This is what her profile said:

"Is she out there? The one woman who will make me think that this online search isn't a total waste of time? Somebody long term minded? Educated? Interesting? Loving? Looking for a full time relationship? Monogamy? Friendship? Sharing? Somebody who truly seeks the "one"? Let me know"

Seems nice, right? Well, after one email she said she wanted to talk on Yahoo. So we got on Yahoo and talked a little bit.

After a couple minutes she told me what she was looking for in a woman and I was a little bit surprised. She is looking for an "owner" or "master".

Is there anyone normal out there? And if so, why do I only seem to find the strange ones?

The Truth....Part IV

July 10, 2003.

Let me back up about a month. I was working a job that I absolutely hated, but I felt like there was no way out. I was not living, I was just existing. I got up in the morning, went to work, came home and started the whole process over each day. I was miserable.

On the 4th of July I went with my parents and 8 year old nephew to the local pool and we hung out all day. It was a really good day and one of the last good memories I have of my parents. I had such a good day that I decided 3 days later to call in sick and go back to the pool. My boss was a real ass and when I called in he seemed very upset. I told him that I needed to go to the dentist because I was having problems with one of my crowns. When I got to work the next day he came into my office and asked what dentist I had seen. I asked him "Why" and he wanted to call and verify that I was there. Knowing he wouldn't have been able to get any information I should have given the name of my dentist, but instead I told him the truth. I told him I had lied about going to the dentist and I just needed a day off. He looked at me and said, "So you lied to me?" He said he needed to think about this and he would let me know what his decision was. He was gone for about ten minutes and then he came back and said, "You're fired, so please leave as soon as possible." I was in shock. But for the first time I was also happy.

It only took me about 5 minutes to pack up my office. I remember walking up to the front door with my box of stuff and feeling so much lighter. I felt so free. I had no idea what I was going to do or how I was going to make it financially, but at that moment none of those things mattered. I walked out the door and never looked back. Little did I know, but getting fired was what saved me.

On the drive home I was nervous about telling my parents. I had no idea how they were going to take the fact that I got fired. Much to my surprise my parents really didn't have a reaction. They weren't happy, but they weren't upset either. Somehow their lack of response told me it was OK that I was happy with being fired.

I didn't realize it at the time, but the five months that I was off was my healing time. I did a lot of thinking during this time. I think it was during this time I finally gained the courage to come out. For the first time I was admitting to myself that I was gay and this was not going to change. For the first time it was crystal clear how I wanted my life to look.

When I think back to that time, it really was a time for me to prepare for what would be the fight of my life.

........to be continued

More Tummy Problems~Updated

So last night I took my first dose of Effexor. I appreciate Deb's concern and her wanting me to try something natural first. It has been 11 months since my world came crashing down and I really did try to not go on any medications, but I really feel that I need a little bit of help for right now. My goal is not to be on them for the rest of my life; maybe six months. Thanks again for your concern and suggestions Deb.

Having said that, this morning I feel like crap. Sophie got me up at 3:15am to go outside. (see, I told you we play that game in the middle of the night) I noticed when I got up that I was feeling sick to my stomach. I know one of the side effects is nausea, so I was kind of expecting it. I was hoping it would be gone by morning. Nope. And when you add the fact that I still feel sick to my stomach on the other end...it's not a good morning.

We ended up getting about 3 inches of snow last night, so traffic was horrible this morning. As I was sitting in traffic I thought I was going to throw up a couple of times. And the smell of exhaust was making things so much worse. Really, I felt like I could throw up at any moment. But I made it into work and now that I am here, I am wishing that I had stayed home.

I feel so sick to my stomach that nothing sounds good to eat. One of my techs had some saltine crackers and that seemed to help a little, but I really wish I could just be home in bed. I am going to see how I am feeling at noon and decide if I am going to stay.

It's been a while since I have been on any anti-depressants, so I am wondering if these symptoms are all normal. And if so, how long until my body adjusts to them?

*Updated*
I said to hell with work and came home. I sat there at my desk feeling like I was going to either throw up or have diarrhea and decided I am always giving and giving at my job and it was time I took care of myself. I may even take tomorrow off. Maybe.

She Drives Me Crazy

I took this video this morning to show you Sophie's morning routine. Even though it drives me crazy on some mornings, I know I will miss it when we move. Have I told you lately how much I completely adore Sophie? (If you listen very carefully you can hear Ben saying HI to you guys at the very end)

Well, the doctor really doesn't know what is going on with my stomach. She thought it was a combination of a couple things: stress, IBS and not getting enough fiber. She also thought that maybe I was lactose intolerant. I have never liked milk and just the smell makes me sick to my stomach, so I guess it could be this as well. So for now I am going to take some fiber, make sure I am eating better and pay closer attention to what I am eating when my stomach starts cramping.

I also talked to her about the stress in my life and the depression I have been experiencing. She gave me some samples for Effexor and wants to see me in 3 weeks. I already feel a little better that I finally have something to help me find some clarity.

My weight was not as bad as I thought. I have gained about 10 pounds in the last seven months. I was really thinking it was a lot more. My blood pressure was perfect: 118/80. So, all in all it was a good visit and I am glad I finally made the appointment.

I will post part IV tomorrow. When I first decided to write about the truth, I was doing it for myself. What I have found is by me being more honest and sharing what I have been through I am helping so many others. I have received several emails from people thanking me for sharing and that they now had the courage to share with someone else what they have been through. Knowing that has made all of this worth it.

The Truth....Part III

2002-2003 were very tough for me. It all started in the spring of 2002. I was 4 months away from graduating with my masters degree. In late 2001 I had decided to go back to the church. This meant 6 months of going to all the services, having to sit in the back and having no one talk to me. Trying to be reinstated as a witness is a very difficult and humbling experience. You know how hard it is to admit to someone when you have done something wrong? Well, those 6 months of me attending church and having no one talk to me was like having to tell someone day after day that you were wrong and just hoping they will forgive you. Finally in March 2002 the elders agreed that I had repented and I was allowed back as a member of the congregation. The elders in my committee were kind of an ass, and I really think they would have made me wait longer if it weren't for my Mother having major surgery. I think they wanted to make sure she could talk to me before she went in for this surgery. So, 5 days before her surgery the announcement was made and just like that I was a beloved member again. It really is weird how no one would talk to me one second and then just like that I was loved and it was as if I had never left. Very weird.

Usually when someone is reinstated they feel very joyous and happy, but I was very sad. I felt like I had just sold myself again to a cult that could not accept me for who I was. Yes I was happy to be part of the family again, but I was having to give up ME in order to be part of THEM. I hated myself when that announcement was made.

In May 2002 I graduated with my masters and moved on to a job that I absolutely hated. I was the social worker for a nursing home and I hated getting up in the morning to go to work. I will never again work in a job where I don't feel like I was suppose to be there.

By the end of the summer I was in the middle of a major depression. I knew I had made the wrong decision of going back to the church, but I couldn't face telling my parents that. So I just kept getting up in the morning and going to a job that I hated.

In November I went down to the garage to get something out of my car and when I was leaning into the car I hit my forehead. My first thought was, "ouch that hurt". My second thought was, "that also felt kind of good".

That was when I realized something in me felt better after experiencing physical pain.

For six weeks I continued to hurt myself to let go of some of the emotional pain I was feeling. My family knew about it as well as several other people. I really don't think people knew what to say (there was no hiding it since it was on my forehead), so most said nothing. My parents did ask me what was going on and when I told them they said I was just trying to get attention. They never understood and never tried to understand.

I really thought I was going crazy/insane. I had no idea why I was doing this and why I couldn't stop. I was using my deodorant bottle because the corner was perfect for breaking the skin. My therapist asked me to count the times I was hitting my forehead and I kind of laughed at her. The next time I cut I tried to count, but stopped counting when I got to 170 hits. Thankfully the scar I have is not too bad. But if you look closely you can see the scar.

Thankfully my therapist realized my family was doing nothing to help so she insisted I get help. I did get help and even though I was feeling a little better, I still hated who I had become.

Somehow I made it through the spring of '03 and then on July 10, 2003 my soul was literally set free.

.......to be continued

Real Quick

It's rare that I get to blog at work, but this morning when I came in I shut my door and decided to write a quick something.

Thank you (again and again) for your wonderful comments and several supportive emails from my posts. You guys are the best and I know that by writing I am helping so many people who might be going through something very similar. For that I will continue to write.

But I have also had a few comments (and some emails) from people thinking that by me writing my last few posts I am not letting go of the past. I don't know if I would say that, but I just wanted to share more of my story because there is so many things that have made me who I am today. And by sharing it with people and getting it out there, I don't feel as ashamed by what was done to me. Make sense?

Other news:

I have had "digestive" problems for the past several months and I finally called the doctor yesterday. I have done some of my own research and here are some of the things that could be going on:

~Irritable Bowel Syndrome
~Gall Bladder problems
~Ulcer

So, tomorrow I go to the doctor and we will see what's going on. I am also going to ask for some pills for anxiety. My anxiety has been off the chart and I have been trying to manage it on my own, but I don't think it's working well. I have been avoiding the scale for almost a month now, but I know they will weigh me tomorrow. Ugh. Oh well, I guess it's time to face it head on.

I should be posting part III tonight.

P.S. In the time I have been writing this post (10 minutes) I have had 4 people come to my office door, I have had 2 people call me on the phone and was paged twice. Gotta go and put out a few fires.

The Truth....Part II

First of all, thank you so much for your support of me talking about these things that are so personal and private. I almost took down the post last night, but then remembered something I have told many of my clients: We are as sick as our secrets. So for now I will continue to write.

Shame. When I think about shame I know the very first time I felt ashamed. I was 3 years old and I had just split my chin wide open. We were at my cousins house and my brother, my cousin and I were playing in the basement. They were pushing me on this tricycle and it flipped over and I hit my chin on the concrete floor. The next thing I know I am walking around the house holding my bloody chin looking for my parents. I remember thinking that it wasn't that big of a deal and I felt bad that I was bleeding all over the place and I was afraid to show my parents what had happened. It makes me sad to think that at such a young age I was feeling like I didn't want to be a burden to anyone.

I was never taught to love myself. My Mother had very low self-esteem through most of my childhood. There were many times when I would have to comfort her because she was so upset. I remember one time in particular where I was ten and I tried to comfort my Mom when she was crying and she snapped at me because I didn't say the right thing. It's no secret that my brother was a very difficult child. He was always causing problems for my parents and I know he has some serious mental health issues. Anyway, back to my story. My Mom and I were sitting in the driveway getting ready to drive to Minnesota to pick up my Dad's Mom who was having some serious health issues. My Mom was crying because as usual my brother started some crap with her as we were getting ready to leave. She sat crying saying she was so upset because she didn't want to leave my brother while he was so upset. I put my hand on her arm and told her that he would be OK. She snapped at me and said, "you don't know what you are talking about". I was upset because here was my Mom who was so upset and I couldn't do anything to help her. I was ashamed with myself.

Around the same age (10) my brother started sexually abusing me. His abuse continued until I was 12. I remember thinking that I must have done something wrong for him to be doing this to me. He told me that if I told my parents they would not believe me and would probably make me leave the house. I believed what he told me, so I didn't say anything.

When the abuse was happening I became very attached to our dogs and one in particular; Shaggs. I always had to know where she was and that she was OK. Then one day I did something that I still don't understand. Our house was three floors and when you were on the 3rd floor you could look down the stairs to the first floor. I was on the third floor and I picked Shaggs up and threw her over the edge. She fell all the way to the first floor. My parents freaked out!!! They started yelling at me asking why I would do such a thing. To this day I hate the fact that I did that to Shaggs and will probably carry the guilt for the rest of my life. Thankfully Shaggs was not hurt at all. I really don't know how she wasn't hurt because it was a big fall from the third floor. To me, that was an obvious sign that there was something going on, but my parents ignored it. You have no idea how ashamed I was that I did that to the one thing that loved me unconditionally.

Of course I think part of my shame comes from the sexual abuse I suffered from, but I am always wondering why when I was 3 I was already feeling shame. Shame is a lot like weight: it's really easy to be ashamed, but to rid yourself of shame takes so much time and work.

Last night and the first part of today I was feeling ashamed about my post from last night. It was a crazy day (what day isn't anymore) at work and I didn't have a chance to read your comments until late in the day. I will say that your loving comments made me feel like it's OK that I share this with you guys. I need to get used to sharing more and realizing that I have done nothing to be ashamed of and more importantly that I am not alone.

Now that it feels safe to share, there is so much I am wanting to get out. I hope you guys are up for the ride.

....to be continued

The Truth....Part I

I may regret this post, but for right now I feel like sharing.

Well, this is certainly harder then I thought it was going to be. I have literally sat here for 20 minutes trying to figure out how to say what I need to say.

I go through my day trying to have a positive attitude about how things are. I tell myself that things will be OK and that it will all work out, but then I look down at my left arm and see the scars and I wonder if I will ever be OK. I wonder if I will ever not see the scars?

This past spring I took out my sadness, anger and fear out on my own body and in the end myself. Instead of comforting myself and reassuring myself that none of what happened was my fault, I treated my body like it was the reason all of this was happening. I get so sad when I think of how I treated myself then; and even today.

Not too many people understand why people would cut themselves. As a social worker with a masters degree, I don't think I completely understand either. I think part of it for me is; the emotional pain is just too great for me to handle that I need an outlet somewhere. The weird thing for me is the fact that this did not start when it starts for most people. Most people will start cutting when they are a teenager, but for me it started when I was an adult.

When I started my job I was worried what I would say if someone asked me what the scars were from. During the summer I would notice people looking at them, but no one asked me. I am thankful that no one has asked me because I really don't know what I would say. I could lie about it, but I am horrible at lying and I am sure they would see right through it.

The last time I cut was in October when MG told me after one week to get out of her house and life.

Damaged goods: yea that is how I feel most of the time. Sometimes I feel so disposable to other people. It seems so easy for people to just let me go and not think anything about it. I wonder if my past will be too much for someone to handle. And why in the hell is it so easy for people to just turn away from me? It doesn't seem fair; not at all.

So why share all of this tonight? Well, for the first time since October I was really upset and wanted to cut. I decided to write tonight instead of doing something that would not help at all. I have not been a good friend to so many people in the last year and I am really upset at myself for letting so many people down. I have been horrible at returning emails, phone calls, etc. I know that I have hurt others along the way and all I can say is I am sorry. I hope one day those that I have hurt (or let down) will find it in their hearts to forgive me.

I grew up in a family where we were not taught to be honest, so I have no idea where my honesty comes from. It's almost like I have enough honesty for my entire family. Even when I try to lie, I never get away with it. I usually end up telling on myself because I feel so guilty.

I don't think I have ever lied on this blog and have been very honest. But I think I am very cautious when I do share because I am afraid of what others will think of me, etc.

I have found that asking for help is extremely hard for me. Really hard. I feel that others will look at me as a failure if I do ask for help. But I think it's time for me to be honest about the fact that I can not do this by myself. I just hope that I have not lost too many readers/friends by sharing what I have tonight. But I think that is a risk I need to take because honestly...I can't handle all these secrets and shame on my own anymore.

.....to be continued

Work in Progress

Like I do most Sunday mornings, I watched Joel Osteen. This morning I wasn't feeling happy, but I wasn't depressed either. It's weird because someone asked me how I was feeling yesterday and I really couldn't say I was good, but I couldn't say I was depressed either. I am kind of in the middle somewhere; if that makes any sense. He said something that really got me thinking. He said the bigger your problems are, the bigger your future is. If this statement is true, then my future must be really, really big.

As much as I love weekends, I also get a little lonely. I really don't mind being by myself, but every once in a while I wish there was someone here with me. I know that I just need to be patient and keep in mind that she will be worth the wait and until then it's OK that I am single.

I have been reading the book "The Secret" a little each night. The chapter I am on is about relationships. It's all very good information and something I will have to read again and again. It's amazing how easy a good attitude can be changed to a very negative one. Sometimes I have thoughts like, "why am I not good enough for anyone?" But after reading this chapter on relationship I know that in order to attract positive in my life, I need to change that sentence "I am perfect the way I am".

Maybe that is why I have had such bad headaches: I keep having these mini battles with myself. One minute I see all the good I can offer, and then the next minute I can only find the negative.

I am just going to take it one day at a time. Attitude is everything and it's days like this where I realize I really am a work in progress.

New Favorite

This is my new favorite song!! Love Love Love it.

I don't know if it's just me, but I think Alanis is hot in this video.

The View

My migraine is much better today. While I was waiting for the Tylenol to kick in I sat and brushed Sophie. It was so calming and really helped my head and Sophie loved the extra attention. I had to be at work by 7am today for my tech meeting; which went just fine. I still have one tech that is a complete bully, but other then that everyone seems to be doing better. Would you believe every single tech showed up??? I guess the fact that they were going to be written up if they didn't had a small part in that. Once I got home I was exhausted again. So I laid down and took a small nap and now I am feeling like it's finally the weekend and I can relax.

On my way home last night I stopped at my new apartment. The one they had shown me is not the one I am moving into and I wanted to see what my view was going to be. The above picture is directly outside my front door. I love it!! As I was standing on my front steps I thought I heard some water running. Turns out there is a small creek about 10ft. from my door. I can't wait to move. Earlier in the week I was feeling a little sad about moving into a studio apartment, but after seeing the view I am feeling a lot better about the move.

I will be moving on March 1. I am actually taking possession the day before; which is leap day. Here's an interesting fact: my parents first date was on leap day 1968. I will be calling the same moving company and I am sure I am the talk of their office. Three moves in 5 months. Well, this will be my last move for a while. Hey the good news is I know exactly how much it will cost.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!!

Picture of a Migraine

10

I stole this from Katie.....

10 Sentences (not including this one)

1. It's hard working a full week when I have had 2 short work weeks.

2. 2008 will be my year.

3. I have found that by seeing the glass as half full I have a much better attitude.

4. I read so many blogs that inspire me on a daily basis.

5. I have enjoyed talking on IM with this person.

6. Ben peed on the bed again this morning; WTF??????

7. My favorite co-worker told me today that she is pregnant and I am slightly jealous.

8. I really have to downsize when I move.

9. I haven't got on the scale in more then 3 weeks and I am afraid to.

10. I get upset when people think I am rude just because I don't walk around with a smile on my face all the time.

Beautiful

Thank you for all your awesome comments on my last post. I feel kind of bad because I don't think it was my best writing. To be honest, I have been in a major funk since Sunday and it just wouldn't go away. Even after getting some really good news yesterday, I was still pretty sad. Finally today I realized what was going on. You would think after 20+ years of the same monthly visitor I would realize what was happening. The good news is I am feeling a lot better this evening. I went to lunch with a co-worker and suddenly after lunch my funk was gone.

The good news I got yesterday was I got the apartment!!! And the even better news is the fact that it does not face the street, but instead looks out on the woods. I think I will just picture myself in a small cabin in the woods to forget that I will be living in just 486 square feet. I am also right next to the pool which will be absolutely wonderful during the summer. I only made it to the pool once this past summer, so I am looking forward to relaxing in the pool this summer.

Last night on the way home I stopped at a convenience store close to my work and another guy tried to pick me up. I am not sure what it is with all these guys suddenly asking me out. Where are all the women that should be asking me out??? :) I will say the guy last night has a very cleaver pick up line. Here was our brief conversation:

Guy: Happy New Year Beautiful.
Me: Thank you
Guy: Did you make any New Years Resolutions?
Me: No, I really don't do that sort of thing.
Guy: Do you want to know what my resolution was this year?
Me: Sure
Guy: To find a beautiful woman just like you.
Me: (Just kind of looking at him)
Guy: Can I call you sometime?

Maybe I am sending out the wrong vibes. Whatever the case, it still feels good to have been told twice in a one week that I am beautiful.

Where Everyone Knows Your Name

So here it is my 1000th post. One thing I learned today: I don’t write well when I feel pressured to write. I have spent most of today trying to figure out what I wanted to say. Then out of nowhere this song came into my mind. I love this song and it is exactly how I am feeling. 2 ½ years ago I found my corner of the world and it happen to be on this blog. Each time I have changed the name and/or address of the blog; my loyal readers have followed me. Some of you have known me most of the 2 ½ years, while others have just recently pulled up a chair to hear my story. Whenever our however you found me, I am glad you are here.

This blog would not exist if it weren’t for each of you. Each of you has given me the courage to share my story and more importantly to keep hanging on. The love and support I get from each of you is priceless. And for those of you that don’t always comment, just knowing that you read means a lot to me.

My world is a very crazy place right now, but this blog has given me some calmness and feeling like I finally belong somewhere. We all want to have a place where everyone knows our name. That place for me is right here.

So now it’s time to hear from each of you. Please leave a comment and say HI or to introduce yourself if you have never commented.

And here’s to another 1000…………………

Random Stuff

It was a typical Monday at work today. The minute I walked in I had several "issues" brought to my attention. I really don't like Monday mornings. Here are some other random things that have gone on in the last few days:

~I got asked out on a date. A very sweet guy from work asked me out last week. When he first asked me I thought he was just wanting to hang out some time after work. The more he talked the more I realized that it wasn't just as friends. The next day I went to his office to talk to him. It was very obvious that he did not get the memo that I was gay. But he took it very well and said that he would still love to take me to dinner one night. He said he just really likes being around me and wants to sit down sometime and just talk with me. I was so relieved that he took it well and is still willing to be my friend. He really is a sweet guy and I would have been sad if things had become uncomfortable between us.

~I really want to move North. The more I think about it the more I really want to get out of Kansas City. I am going to sit down in the next few weeks and come up with a 3 year plan. I think if I write out a plan it will be harder for me to ignore.

~I need to remember that Sunday afternoon naps really mess up my sleep. Last night I laid awake until 1:15am trying to fall asleep. Usually if I put Ben under the covers and just pet him I will be out in a few seconds, but not last night. I woke up around 2:30am and couldn't tell if I had been asleep or not, but then I remembered part of my dream and was relieved that I had fallen asleep. Sophie got me up at 6:30 to go outside. As I waited for her to finish her business I tried to come up an excuse to not go to work. I hate lying, so I decided I would feel guilty all day if I did call in, so I just got up and went to work.

~I always forget that when I get my period I get horrible headaches. So once a month I walk around with a bad headache and wonder why I have it. Then I realize what's going on. You would think I would learn.

~I have learned this week that by paying cash for everything, I really watch what I spend. I used to always just use my debit card, but it really didn't feel like I was spending money. Actually seeing the money pass through my hands makes a huge difference in what I buy.

~This is my 999 post.

Me

I have been going through my old pictures and adding them to my Flickr account. These are some of my favorite. I have about 50o to scan and add to Flickr, so it's going to take a while to get them all uploaded. I do find it amazing that my Mother let me take so many of these pictures when I moved out. I am thankful to have so many pictures from my childhood.

I love this shot. You can see that I have already lost one front tooth and I guess I am trying to get the other one out as well.
I am sitting on a fire truck in this picture. I used to hate this picture, but now it's one of my favorites. I love how my hair is in braids. And don't you just love my outfit? So 70's.

My parents had a cabin at a lake. Our cabin had no heat, no a/c and it was literally on the water. They would go out a couple times during the winter to check on things and I used to always love to go and ice skate. The lake always seemed so small when it was frozen.
Snow, cold and winter= Happy CarolineAs you would have guessed, I loved visiting my Grandma (who lived in Northern MN) during the winter. I remember when this picture was taken. My Dad and I were using our snowshoes and were just walking all over. See how happy I am?
Here's a picture of my brother and I. Here I am checking out my belly.

And here is proof that I also love the beach and sun. (just not year round).

After looking at these pictures it's so obvious that I am happiest when I am around snow. Yea, I think it's time to start looking at moving again.

Frozen Dreams

It seems that winter has taken a vacation, at least from Kansas City. Yesterday it was close to 60 and today it will be in the high 50s. All day long it seemed like spring and I just didn't like it. I want winter to return!!! The snow that has been on the ground since the beginning of December is all but gone. I am not ready for spring. I read a blog from a couple that had a dream of moving to Dawson (not sure where it is, but I think it's somewhere in Canada????) and build a small house. I stole this picture from their blog of their oh so cute house:

Yes, this would be my dream house as well. I would move here in a heartbeat. I love how there are no cars in front of the house just a bike and a snowmobile. Yes I may be a little crazy, but this would indeed be my dream house. I've already decided that since moving North is one of my dreams that I've had for most of my life, I am going to work hard at making that dream come true. It will mean taking care of things here in KC and then start the process of moving. Maybe when I am ready to move I will have found someone I can share my life with that also loves snow/winter as much as I do.

So last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. It was such a real dream and I loved the feeling of being pregnant. I have always wanted kids, but I think in the last 4 years I felt like I had to give up that dream. This dream really has me thinking about what I want. All I know is I was so excited in this dream and I felt really good.

So, I guess what I need to do is find someone that I am totally in love with (who is also in love with me) who would love to move up to a frozen tundra and possibly raise a family with me.

Sophie Talking

I know from the pictures I share of Sophie, she seems like a very sweet and calm dog. 90% of the time she is, but here is a gimpse of how she is the other 10% of the time. And just an FYI....she is like this every time something moved in the backyard; even if it is just a leaf.

P.S. Not sure what's up with my voice. It sounds really deep in the video.

Small Space

This morning I went and turned in my application for the studio apartment I want to move into. It was the first time I had seen the inside of the apartment and boy is it small. I will have to sell my couch since it won't fit in there. And the bedroom area will probably be cramped as well since I have a Queen size bed. In March I should look like this picture below:

But you know what, it's OK. I have a lot of work to do between now and March because I need to really downsize all the "stuff" I have. And it's probably good that I didn't go out and spend a lot of money on a Christmas tree because there just wouldn't be room. My little 2ft tree will be perfect for next year. I know Sophie is going to love it since she will be able to lay on the bed all day and still be near me. This apartment complex also has a workout room that is open 24 hours a day. It will be great to start exercising again. The complex is filled with huge trees and it will be a great place to walk Sophie.

So now I just wait until Wednesday to see if I am approved. I am pretty sure they will approve me and I promised myself I am not going to worry about it.

Talking Dogs

I don't know about people that have pets, but I always understand everything Sophie and the cats are saying to me. :)

P.S. The last dog really reminds me of Lynilu's Ali.

$5 Changes A Lot

On my way home tonight I stopped at McDonalds to get something to eat and something interesting happened.

I normally just go through the drive-thru, but for some reason decided to go inside. As I was waiting for my order a woman walked up and placed her order. As she went to pay she was digging through her purse to try to come up with the $1.96. She then stepped over next to me and we made eye contact. She kind of smiled at me and then started asking me if I knew how much the cookies were. I told her that I thought they were 3 for a dollar. She then asked me if I knew how much just one would be. I had decided to give her a dollar so she could get the cookies. As I got the dollar out of my wallet she smiled and said she has just fallen on hard times. The way she said it I knew it was true and that it was hard for her to ask a stranger for money. I then put the dollar back and pulled out a $5. As I handed it to her it was like she didn't know what to say. She took it and thanked me and again said how she had just fallen on hard times.

There was a reason I ran into this woman tonight.

I have a lot to be grateful for in my life. Things are bad (well, really bad), but things could always be worse. Seeing this woman struggle to come up with enough money for a couple cheeseburgers put everything in perspective for me.

I would also like to thank each of you for the many emails and very touching comments. It's a wonderful feeling to know that there are so many out there that are on my side and care so much about me. I heart each of you.

Prayer Request

I have been working hard at not letting fear run my life. I strongly believe that my attitude has a lot to do with what happens in my life. By putting out all this fear and doubt I feel that sometimes I am just setting myself up to fail. I think overall I have done pretty well with things, but tonight I am afraid. I am really afraid.

My biggest fear is that I will end up on the streets. I know that this fear is something that would probably never happen, but when you are facing losing your home a lot of things go through your mind. And what I think would be worse then being on the streets would be not being able to keep Sophie, Ben or Bonk. There are so many times I sit here and look at them and I feel like I have let them down.

My life used to be so stable. I was able to pay all my bills and money was not an issue. Now I am sitting here with a job that I am making more then I ever have and I can't seem to make ends meet. It doesn't make sense.

This afternoon I called a Bankruptcy lawyer and I have an appointment on the 18th. I want to see what my options even though I pretty much know what I need to do. Admitting that you are in over your head is a very hard thing to do. I am hoping to do a Chapter 13 because I really do want to pay these debts off instead of just wiping them away.

Each morning when I get up I have to tell myself that it will be all be OK. It's weird how some days I feel like I can conquer anything and then there are nights like this where I feel like I am in such a mess I will never find my way out.

When you add the stress from my financial problems and my work stress I end up feeling like I have failed so many people; most importantly myself.

I am fairly close with one of the nurses at our facility. She is very religious and I am just fascinated by some of the things she says. When I first started she kind of freaked me out and I avoided her. But slowly she has grown on me and I often times find myself going to her office for just a break from the other chaos. Today I shared with her about my house and asked her to just say a prayer for me. She then immediately started praying out loud for me (see, I told you she was religious). It was a very sincere prayer for things to work out and for me to be OK and to know that I am loved.

So I am going to ask all of you a favor. Whomever you pray to, please take a second and say a prayer for me. Pray that I will be OK and that I will not be so afraid in this whole process. Pray that I will have some guidance in all of this and make the right decisions and choices. I have a long and emotional process to go through and I know some extra prayers will help.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Ten Years

Brrrrrrr!! It sure is cold here in Kansas City. I know I have said that I love the cold weather and I really do, but it's even cold for me. This morning as I was driving to work it was only 6 degrees. And I think the high was only 23.

So, let me share with you what's been going on since New Years Eve...

I realized on Monday that I will be losing my house in about three months.

I think I am angry at this fact. I have lived in this house for ten years. When I was just 24 I was able to purchase a house. Not too many 24 year old can say that. Even when I went through a nasty divorce, I was able to hold onto the house. But it seems that I will indeed lose this house.

I know I am young and I have a lot of time to recover from this mess. There are a lot of success people that have been in similar situations and they came out of them even stronger. I feel like I have already learned so much from this situation and I know there is a lot more to learn.

So, sixty days from today I should be moving out of the house for good. I am beyond excited to move out, but also kind of afraid of all that needs to happen in the next two months. I used to get depressed when I would think of moving from a house to an apartment, but it actually seems like a relief now. I will be going from 1300 square feet to just under 500. I plan on getting just a studio apartment, so it will be close quarters for me and the pets. I picture a very warm and cozy apartment.

My best friend sent me an email today that simply said:

REMEMBER: Love doesn't try to see through others, but to see others through!

I have lots of love in my life. With all this love, I can overcome anything.

Through My Eyes

Happy New Year!!

It's amazing what 8 hours of sleep can do to your attitude. I am feeling a little better this morning and I think I even feel a little optimistic.

The situation with Laura is something I was expecting for a while. I thought I was prepared, but when it actually happened I realized I was not ready. And for all of this to happen while at the dentist office; it just really seemed like a bad nightmare. I am so thankful that Lynilu was there when I called. She always seems to know what to say to calm me down and make me see that somehow it will all work out. Thank you for being my friend Lynilu.

One of resolutions for 2008 is to not talk about Laura anymore, to my friends or on my blog. I told her yesterday that I never wanted to talk to her and I feel that I just need to let her go completely. And I feel that by talking about her I am not allowing me to let her go. The only choice I have with the financial situation she has left me in is to just keep on keeping on. So with that I must say, goodbye Laura.

I took more pictures this past year then I have my entire life. When I go back and look my pictures from this past year, some make me sad while others make me very proud. When I think back to everything I have overcome, I am often amazed at my own strength.

So, if you want to see how 2007 looked through my eyes Click here