Having someone tell you that God no longer loves you can be very devastating. On the outside I was telling people that I knew the elders were wrong, but deep down inside I kept wondering if they were right. In a matter of months I went from being part of a very strict religion to literally not believing in God at all. Each night I still prayed and asked God for a sign that He did exist and more importantly that He still loved me.
On the evening of June 10, 2005 Laura and I met up for dinner. As we drove home it was rush hour and there were lots of cars on the highway. Out of nowhere a semi-truck appeared and hit us, which sent us spinning into traffic. We spun into the median and then was thrown back into traffic. We then hit the median again and came to a stop. It really was one of the scariest things I have ever experienced. I remember spinning in and out of traffic knowing there were cars all around us and thinking we were going to die. Somehow neither of us were hurt. The paramedics did come and check us out and they told us that the last time they saw a wreck as bad as ours no one survived. What the paramedic said didn't hit me until the next morning.
The only reason I walked away from that accident was because of God. I realized that God never stopped loving me and had heard all of my prayers.
After the car wreck I realized how fragile life really is. But I continued to struggle with my self-esteem and feeling like I was not worthy of love from anyone. I did not cut while Laura and I were together, but I did think about it often. It wasn't until a month after the break-up that I started to cut again.
I know I have used cutting as a way to cope and I realize that this is very unhealthy. I don't know why at the age of 29 I started doing this and sometimes feel like I have been cursed because of the desire to cut sometimes.
This past April I cut again for the first time in three years. It's almost like being in recovery from drugs/alcohol and having a relapse. At the time when I cut I couldn't think of anything else then making the pain go away. I was sad for losing the partner that I once loved so much and I was sad for the family that I had lost three years before. One thing I realized this past spring was that I never dealt with the loss of my family. I think I was acting like it didn't matter that my family wanted nothing to do with me, but that is easy to say when you have a supportive partner to fall back on. Realizing that I am truly by myself makes the thought of my family rejecting me so much harder.
When Jehovah's Witnesses refer to their religion it is often called "The Truth". One thing I have realized it, the witnesses really have no idea what the truth is. They go around preaching that they are right and everyone else is wrong. Their hate has devastated thousands of lives. I am glad that I have not allowed their hate to devastate my life.
My truth is so different then the witnesses truth. My truth tells me that God loves me no matter who I love. I lived thirty years in a religion where I felt no connection to God. In both my relationship with God as well as my sexual orientation: The truth has set me free.
4 comments:
Oh Caroline, I have to tell you something. I got an email today from someone who used to be a friend of mine. She is still in 'the truth' and told me this long tale of how her children have left the truth and her daughter was DF'd in March. I can't even explain how I feel about this communication right now but I will tell you, there's probably a blog in it somewhere. I'm glad you got your meds changed. I had blood pressure problems with Effexor too which was a total bummer because it was the best med for me. The one I have now is not as good. Grrr
I used to work with someone from "the truth". I remember her telling me her story about how she was shunned by them after deciding to leave. Like you, she lost here family. It was devasting to her at first because she had grown up in this warped society and it had defined who she was supposed to be. Looking back, she said it was the best thing that happened to her.
Thanks for sharing this part of the story.
That's exactly what I was thinking "Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set ye free".
You have a whole lifetime ahead of you with the REAL truth to lean on. It's been a hard ride, but you've emerged knowing a million times more than you did before.
I sent you an email an hour or so ago that surprised me in how it fits with this post!
:)
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