Extra Love

Every time I think that I have made some progress in regards to my family I seem to have a small setback. Sometimes I get so angry with myself because I don't understand why I can't just let them go completely. Maybe the child in me is still hoping they will come running back to me saying how they made such a big mistake and are so sorry. Even though I know that will never happen, I guess there is a part of me that wishes that were the case.

On Sunday Susan was talking about how close she is with her Mom and how she really is her best friend. As she was talking my mind started to drift to how I used to be able to say that about my Mom as well. Before I knew it I could feel the tears in my eyes and when Susan asked how I was my voice cracked and she knew something was wrong. I didn't want to say anything because I knew once I started talking then I would lose all control over my tears. Instead of pushing me to talk she just held me tighter and let me cry without saying a word.

The one thing I hate about starting a new relationship is having to explain my family. Part of me is still really ashamed and feel like it must be something I have done, but then I come back to reality and realize my family is not normal. I always have this fear that when I tell someone that my entire family has disowned me they will think there is something wrong with me and run in the other direction. I am thankful that has never happened so I have no idea where this fear is coming from. I know that if I had someone in my life that has gone through what I have been through with my family, I would love them even more.

I wish I could blame this crappy mood I am in on my period, but that's not the reason. It's weird because I am completely in love (and very happy), but for the first time in 2 months I woke up this morning just feeling kind of blah. I still have a sore throat, so I maybe I am just not feeling well.

Whenever Sophie or the cats are not feeling well I always make sure that they get extra love. On a day when I need a few extra hugs, I wish my girl was not 2 hours away.

Question

Manic Monday

Before I talk about how great life is (are you guys tired of hearing me talk about Susan yet?) I have a few issues I would like to address.

1) Today when I was at lunch I went out to QT (convenience store) to get a coke and there was a lady there with a small child. She was yelling at this little boy and telling him to shut up loud enough for the entire store to hear. Last Friday I was at a different QT (do you see a pattern here?) and there was a boy maybe 10 years old standing there with some lady. I am not sure if it was his Mother or sister. Well, I guess he said something to her and walked away and she called him back. When he got to her she hit him in the mouth and said, "that will teach you to talk back to me." I so wanted to go up and punch her in the mouth. The boy looked over at me and I could see the shame and embarrassment in his eyes. I just don't understand people that talk so bad to their children and even worse, hit them in public. Usually there is an officer at the QT's, and I would have gone inside and gotten him, but there wasn't one there on this day. My childhood was not perfect, but my parents never hit me and never belittled me in public. I think of all the people out there that really want a child and then there are so many people out there that just don't give a damn about their children.

2) I think I know why I have been so tired the last few days. I have been waking up the last couple of nights coughing and choking and then this morning I woke up with a sore throat and my left ear is hurting again. I am really hoping I don't get sick, but it seems to be heading in that direction. Maybe I should warn Susan that I am a complete baby when I get sick.

3) When I was driving home last night I was right next to this lady that was driving and smoking either crack or marijuana. I tried not to look at her directly because I really didn't want to get shot. When I told Susan she said, "Another reason why I need to get you out of the city." I wonder if she realizes how much Meth is used in the rural areas?

OK, back to how good life is.

Usually when Susan and I get together we just stay at my house. She has two houses, one of which is on the market. The house that is on the market is 1/2 way between our two houses. If we are not staying at my place we normally stay at her house that is on the market. It is completely furnished, but does not have cable/Internet or hot water. Not having hot water has not been a problem, but when it gets colder we will not be staying there. Anyway, when we do stay at this house it is interesting because we have to entertain ourselves with something other then cable TV or Internet. She does have a TV/DVD combo and we are able to watch movies and this past weekend we watched 4 episodes of season 2 of Bad Girls. I am totally addicted to that show. Sunday morning we woke up around 8:30am and stayed in bed until almost 1pm just talking. I love that we can just sit and talk for hours and hours. I think the nights we spend at this house are one of my favorite things in our relationship. It's almost like we are camping since there is no distractions and it's just us.

When Laura and I broke up I was left with the 3 cellphones we had together (one for each of us and one for her Mom). Since we were stuck in a contract I just held onto all the cellphones. When Susan and I first started dating I asked her if she wanted one of the phones and her response was, "Don't you ever watch Judge Judy? Almost all the cases are over a cellphone." Well, a month after we started dating she decided to take one of the phones. It's nice because we can talk whenever and it's free. She had never really used TXT messaging, so we had a lesson this past weekend on how to send TXT messages. She has caught on fast and I love how out of nowhere I will get a TXT message from her saying she is thinking of me.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Wow, I just read this post and it sure it random. Have a great Monday everyone.

Birthday Wishes

Happy Birthday MJ!! Not only is today her birthday, but a couple days ago Cowboy asked her to marry her. Not too bad of a birthday. Be sure to go over and wish her a Happy Birthday and Congratulations on her engagement. They are such a cute couple and I really am so happy for them.

I have always said that I may have gotten the short straw when it comes to family, but I have been very blessed when it comes to my friends. MJ is just one of the many examples of how wonderful my friends are. I have always told MJ that she challenges me more then anyone else. She refuses to let me say "I can't" and pushes me in the right direction. When I think back to where my life was even just six months ago, I know that a lot of the positive changes have come as a result of her encouraging me. So MJ, thank you for being my friend and for helping me make so many positive changes in my life.

In a few hours I am off to see Susan. We are going to see this movie. I think it's going to be a pretty laid back weekend. For some reason I am completely exhausted. I laid down last night around 9:30pm and got up at midnight to take Sophie out and then went right back to bed until 8:30am. I wonder if the lack of sleep for the last 2 months is finally catching up with me.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

Played

While Sophie was staying with L she hurt her neck. Every once in a while Sophie will strain her neck and she has trouble walking and going up and down stairs. I am thinking that she might have jumped off L's bed (as you can see she was completely spoiled while staying with L) wrong or maybe was rough housing with Hank. I am not concerned because usually within a couple of days she is fine.

One thing about Sophie is she loves it when others feel sorry for her. I know when I brought her home on Tuesday she was not feeling well, but I have caught her doing things that she will only do when she thinks I can't see her. For example: last night when I got home she came running to the door and the minute she realized it was me she sat down and looked up at me like, "It still really hurts Mom." When I got home tonight she was up on the couch (which she doesn't do when her neck hurts) and when she saw me she just sat there like she suddenly couldn't move. She really cracks me up.

I am not sure what's worse...the fact that she is playing me or the fact that I know this and still spoil her rotten.
There is no way I can say no to those eyes.

Way Past My Bedtime

It's 12:26am and waaaaay past my bedtime. Susan and I decided that since Topeka was just 1 hour away I should drive there after work so we could spend a couple hours together. She had dinner waiting for me and then we headed out to Kohl's to look for some new shoes for me. She hates (and that is putting it mildly) my Crocs. I know I need some different shoes because my feet really hurt by the end of the day and the fact that I have fallen twice in the last month is a sign that my love affair with my Crocs is coming to an end. I think I will always have a pair in the summer time, but I think with winter right around the corner I need something that will provide me better traction. I found a couple pairs that I will go back and get when I get paid on Friday.

Tonight we talked a little about Thanksgiving and Christmas and I am actually excited about these holidays this year. Last year I was dreading the holidays because I didn't want to spend them alone. I didn't spend them alone (because I have awesome friends), but having someone special during the holidays is always nice. There is no question who I will be spending the holidays with this year.

Last weekend I had a pretty disturbing dream about my Dad. I had a dream that he had passed away and I only found out when his lawyer called talking about his will. Ever since that dream I have not been able to get him out of my mind and I wonder how he is doing. I am not going to send an email or call because I have reached out so many times only to have my heart broken. I have decided that I will not contact my family again and if they want to get in contact with me they know how to. You have no idea how tired I am of being rejected by them over and over again. Letting go is so hard; especially when you know they are still alive.

One last thing before I head to bed: If you were to take a picture of my heart, this is what you would see.

Wordless Wednesday

Happy Wordless Wednesday

Home

This morning we were up by 5:30am because Susan had to be at her training by 7:15am. When the alarm went off I thought it was the smoke alarm and it scared the shit out of me. I guess that's what I get for only getting maybe 5 hours of sleep last night. Oh well, it was worth it.

Here are some of my favorite moments from the time we spent in the wonderful capital of Kansas.

*Susan really is the funniest person and I never know when something funny will come out of her mouth. Yesterday we were talking about her driving in Minnesota during the winter and she talked about all the times she has slide into the ditch. I laughed and told her that from now on I would be doing all the driving. She looked at me and in a serious voice said, "I only drive in the ditch when it's snowing or icy." Even more reason for me to do all the driving.

*While she was at her training yesterday I decided to lay around the hotel room and watch lots of mindless daytime TV. I think I watched about 10 court shows. I guess at some point I fell asleep because I woke up to Susan touching my face. It was a perfect way to wake up from an afternoon nap.

*Last night we went to dinner at Ruby Tuesday and really had crappy service, but it all worked out for us. We had decided to split an entree and each get the salad bar. About 45 minutes after we finished our salads we noticed that our food was not out yet. We kind of laughed and agreed that it's a good sign when we are so consumed in our conversation that we don't notice we have not received our order. The waiter finally reappeared and said he had received a phone call with bad news and forgot to put our order in. We ended up getting the entree to go and in the end only paid $4.89. Not too bad.

*This morning I let Susan get ready first and as I watched her getting ready she would look in the mirror at me and give me the warmest smile. I want everyday to be like that.

*Susan really doesn't like to have her picture taken and I really have to beg her to let me take a picture. I have many photos like this one:
I think she is slowly realizing that my camera and I are a packaged deal. :)

*I am finding that our most intimate and best conversations happen right before we fall asleep. There is nothing better then hearing her say "I love you" right before I fall asleep.

Susan will be in Topeka until Thursday and as I drove back to KC this morning I realized that there is no stopping now...she completely has my heart.

Speaking of love...I am not the only one that has found love.
Here is Sophie and her boyfriend Hank. The two of them got along great and Sophie didn't even seem excited when I went and picked her up tonight. Sometime late Sunday Sophie decided she loved Hank and wanted to be wherever he was. My little girl is growing up. :)

As sad as I was to leave Susan this morning, it is still good to be home.

To see all the pictures from the trip click HERE.

Quote of the Week

Don't you hate it when you remember the wine, but forget the glasses. We were forced to drink our wine last night out of the very lovely plastic cups provided by the hotel.

After a few drinks Susan looked at me and said:

"I better drink my wine so it doesn't spill."

I reassured her that her plastic glass of wine was not going to spill by simply sitting on the table.

We are having a wonderful time. Susan is off to her training this afternoon and then tomorrow I am reluctantly heading back to Kansas City. I am wishing now that I had asked off for a couple more days.

I have received several TXT messages from L who is taking care of Sophie. Apparently L's dog is completely in love with Sophie and is kind of upset that Sophie did not reciprocate. I was also informed that Sophie likes to watch Football and the Sophie that does not like to cuddle was sleeping with L and her husband last night. I guess we are all on vacation.

Lady in Red

I call Susan my "Lady in Red" because red is her favorite color and she seems to always be wearing something red.

So please enjoy the music while I go out of town and spend a couple of days with my Lady in Red.

P.S. In case you missed it, Susan made an appearance in the comment section of my last post.

Susan,

We really miss you......


and our Mommy really misses you.

How many hours until tomorrow?

The Golden Rule

It is so wonderful dating someone that has the same interests as me. When Laura and I were together not only did we not have a lot of the same interest, she somehow she thought that I was "odd" because of my interests. One of the things that both Susan and I are interested in is the history of social work/psychology. There is a place close to her that I went to last fall that used to be a Psychiatrist Hospital and is now a museum. It is so fascinating (and sad) to see how they used to treat individuals with mental illness. Last Wednesday when we got together she showed me her pictures of when she went to the museum. There are thousands of items in this museum and I think it's funny how we both took a picture of the above item. If you click on the picture you will be able to read it better. It's nice being with someone that has the same values/morals as I do.

Another sign I found when I went to this museum was this one:

I have one tech that I think could use a copy of this. I am getting up at 2:30am to go speak with this tech and do a surprise visit. It keeps my 3rd shift on their toes when they never know when I will be stopping by. I am pretty amazed at how clearly I am able to think in the middle of the night.

I was worried about telling Susan that I was doing this because she worries about me driving in the day and I knew she wouldn't like me driving downtown in the middle of the night. When I talked with her tonight she is worried and said something about how I really need to carry a gun. I told her that I am still getting used to carrying the mace she gave me a few weeks ago. Tonight I had to promise to send her a TXT message when I got home. I don't want her to worry about me because I have lived in the city my entire life, but it is nice that she cares so much for me.

I better get to bed since I need to be up in about 4 hours. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

She was my Best Friend

Tonight Susan and I were talking and we started talking about my family and I think it's really hard for anyone to understand how my family could completely disown me. Sharing with someone about my family is one of the hardest parts of starting a new relationship or even a friendship. I think it is really hard for some people to understand that my family will never come around. I knew what was going to happen when I came out to my parents, but I still have moments when it catches me off guard and my emotions get involved again. Tonight I had one of those moments.

I actually think it all started earlier in the day. I was outside with one of my co-workers when her 22 year old daughter stopped by. I have heard this co-worker tell numerous stories about her daughter (who was adopted as well) and I always felt that her relationship with her daughter was very similar to what my relationship was like with my Mom 4 years ago.

My Mom was my best friend. We would talk several times a day and I always knew that she loved me. Obviously all that changed in July 2004. It's been an adjustment learning to live a life without my Mother. It's even harder knowing that my Mom can not accept who I am and love me no matter what.

I have saved every email my Mom has sent me since June 2004 and this is the only nice email and the last nice thing she ever said to me. I was explaining to Susan tonight that I have worked hard to get to a place where I can also see all the good times we had and somehow looking at all the good times makes the fact that they are no longer in my life a little easier. So tonight I read her an email that my Mom wrote to me in June 2004 on the anniversary of when they brought me home from the hospital. Here is that email:


The month of June is a happy month for me. June 1st 31 years ago I had a daughter
delivered to me. June 9th 33 years ago I had a son delivered to me.

You have no idea how it feels to want a child and be told it will never happen. Adoption
being the only answer, you still never really think someone will make the ultimate
sacrifice and give up a precious gift.......to give up their own flesh for a totally unselfish
reason. I really thought we would never receive the first one. That was the answer to
my prayers, Jimmy. But then that wasn't enough. I wanted another one, a little girl.
But I felt really selfish because I already had one child, so I figured we didn't stand a
chance at another one, but we tried anyway. WOW !!!!!! It only took a few weeks.
Caroline, you were the surprise child, the miracle. I really never expected you, so you
are so very precious to me. I can't even guess how the birth mother feels in this
situation, I can only imagine. But I thank her for giving me the most important thing
in the world. Her daughter. I love you with all my heart.

I hadn't read this email in years and when I read it out loud tonight to Susan I started crying. I didn't expect to cry, but it was just one of those moments that made me thankful that even if she doesn't love me or want me part of her life now, at some point she was thankful for me and loved me.

Late Night and Early Morning

I know everyone is probably tired of hearing how happy I am and how well things continue to go with Susan, but really they are so good. When I was with Laura things were good, but I don't remember them being this good so early on. I know Laura loved me, but I don't know if she was ever really in love with me. So to have someone that is in love with me and tells me all the time, well that just feels wonderful.

It was so awesome being able to spend the evening with Susan. I didn't get home until 12:30am and I am paying for it this morning. When I first woke up I felt like I had been hit by a truck and was sooo tired. But believe me, it was well worth the lack of sleep.

Next week Susan has a training in Topeka, so I am meeting her in Topeka on Sunday and coming back home on Tuesday morning just in time for work. To me hotels are so romantic and I can't wait to spend a couple of days at one with her. Sophie will be spending 2 days with my co-worker L. L and her husband have a dog named Hank, so we are hoping that Sophie and Hank get along OK. I am not too worried about it since Sophie is a very easy going dog.

Well, that's about all I have for today unless of course you want to hear some more about how wonderful Susan is and how lucky I am to have found her. Maybe I should do a post about the ABC's of Susan. I keep talking about how wonderful she is, so maybe I should start telling you exactly why I think she is so wonderful.

An Open Apology

The last couple of days I have received a couple emails/calls from my friends asking if I am upset at them because I had not responded to their emails. So, this is an open apology to all my friends that have sent me emails and I have not responded to them. As many of you know (since that seems to be all I can think about lately), I have been a little distracted for more then a month now. On top of being happily distracted by a certain someone, work is keeping me very busy. Things have settled down a little at work, but history tells me that this calmness is only temporary. I promise to be better at responding to emails and calls.

Speaking of distractions: I get to see my girl tonight. We are getting together for dinner tonight and I can't wait to see her. We live about 1.5 hours away from each other, so getting together during the week is not always possible. I know it will be worth the lack of sleep I will get tonight. When I asked her if I could bring anything tonight she said, "Just yourself."

I have discovered this gourmet chocolate place right down the street from my work. Oh.My.God. This chocolate has officially ruined Hershey's Chocolate for me. Susan loves anything sweet and last weekend I picked up some chocolate from this place for her and she said it was the best chocolate she had ever had. So like a good girlfriend, I went today and picked her up some more. I will take some pictures tonight because these chocolates are like little pieces of artwork. They are almost too pretty too eat.

On Monday I went to the Obama office to pick up a yard sign for me and one for Susan. I was a little shocked because they charged $8 per yard sign. I don't mind giving a donation, but $8 seemed a little high for me. My sweet neighbor that lives next to me has a McCain sticker on his car. A few weeks ago he asked about the "guy" I was dating. I had mentioned something to him a few weeks ago about the person I was seeing and I guess he assumed it was a guy. I kind of avoided the question because I really didn't want to go into it with him. Well, last Saturday when I was walking Sophie he knocked on my door to let me know he was going to Omaha to visit his daughter and Susan was the one that opened the door. I am pretty sure he realizes that I am not dating a guy now.

Happy Wednesday Everyone!

10 Years Ago Today......

.....This sweet baby found me and insisted I bring her home.

I was in my last year of school for my bachelors degree. I was working at a community center in the inner city and there was always stray dogs running around. On this particular morning I pulled up and there was this sweet little black puppy running around the parking lot.
When I was walking in I bent down to pet the puppy and my boss noticed the puppy as well and brought out some food for her. She ate it right up. I then went inside (even though I would have rather stayed outside and played with the puppy) and went to the front desk. They had security cameras on the back parking lot and I could see this little puppy just running all over. I was worried that it was going to get hit, so I told myself that if it was out there at lunch I would take it home.


When I went out at lunch, the puppy was no where to be found. Part of me was relieved because I already had a dog at home and really didn't want another one.


Around 3pm I went to do a home visit and when I pulled back into the parking lot at 3:30 I noticed the little black puppy across the street. I yelled, "Here Puppy Puppy" and she came running. I picked her up and said to her:


"If you are here when I get off at 4:30 I will take you home."

When I got off at 4:30 I walked out to find this little black puppy sleeping on the front steps to the building.

I did what I promised to do and I picked her up, put her in the car and took her home.


As we drove home she sat on the back seat just looking at me. I was instantly in love.


When I first got Sophie she was only 3 months and was only 8 pounds. I have no pictures of her when she was a puppy and I am wishing I had taken more pictures of her.


For the last 10 years Sophie has been my best friend and my constant companion. She is always there when I get home and loves me even when I am having a really bad day. The only thing she wants in the whole world is to be with me.

I love everything about her. I love how when she lays down she puts her neck in a position that looks like it would be uncomfortable. It's when she gets in this position that she lets out a big sigh and I know she is content. I love how she prefers to eat laying down. I love how excited she gets when I pick up the leash to take her for a walk. Last night I woke up at 3:30am and found her sleeping right next to her food bowl and her head was wrapped around it. I didn't want to take a picture because I didn't want to wake her up.

I love you Sophie. You truly are one of the coolest dogs ever and I am so thankful that you found me ten years ago today.

Revisiting the Past

I tried to take Susan's picture while we were out to lunch on Saturday and this picture is the result. Obviously she has not been around me long enough to realize that I truly am the paparazzi and will take lots of pictures. I joked with her that it was OK that this picture didn't turn out because the one of her sleeping was great. She didn't think that was too funny.

It's hard to believe that it's been over a month since we met. I read a blog this morning of someone that has also been dating someone for a month and they talked about how much things have changed for them in that month. I really can say the same thing about my life. Before I met Susan I knew that things were going to be OK, but I just had no idea how it was all going to work out. Now I have a very clear picture as to how my future will be and it makes me extremely happy.

When I think back to the women I dated after Laura, I am just so thankful that I have found someone that is sweet, kind, beautiful and all around just a really good person. I know I am very lucky.

Since I have so many new readers I thought I would do a recap of my dating experiences after Laura.

March 2007: Within a few weeks of the break-up Laura really encouraged me to get out there and start dating. I knew I was not ready and I have no idea why I went out. My first date was with a woman I had met online and really she was a nice person, but throughout the dinner all I could think about was Laura. All I could do was talk about her, etc. I was so surprised when the woman asked me out again. I never responded to her email because I just couldn't think of being with anyone but Laura.

April 2007: I met Jenn who was living in Oklahoma City. We had talked a few times before I drove out to see Lynilu. As I was driving home I called Jenn and we agreed to meet for dinner on my way back. A few weeks later I drove down to OKC again for the weekend. It was the weekend that Laura and I were suppose to go to Florida for our commitment ceremony. I was miserable the entire weekend and it was very apparent to Jenn. On Sunday morning I woke up and she was still asleep and I debated about just leaving without saying goodbye to her. I did wait until she woke up, but I quickly broke it off because I knew it was not working. Jenn and I occasionally IM and she has been good about forgiving me for being such a bitch that weekend.

May 2007: I met STL and we hit it off right away. Within a month of long distance dating she wanted me to move to St. Louis. I almost moved. I had found an apartment, put down a deposit and was ready to turn in my notice at work. But something stopped me and I called the apartment and canceled everything. This did not go over well with STL and she became very upset. I just was not ready to move away from KC or the job that I loved so much. We argued a lot over my job and she told me, "The people you work with don't care about you and it really doesn't matter if you stay or go." I think it was that comment that changed my mind about moving there and I am so thankful that I did change my mind. STL and I remained friends for a few months, but I have not talked with her since early March of this year.

August 2007: Sheryl (aka: MG). Many of you know this story about me moving in with her after a few months and then being asked to leave after 10 days. When I think back to that time I can now laugh, but at the time I really felt like my life was going nowhere fast. The night she asked me to leave I really debated whether I had anything to live for. Besides the break-up, this was probably the darkest period in my life after Laura and I split. Then to have to put Brady to sleep just 3 weeks after this was too much for me to handle. I retreated into my house and vowed not to date for a very long time. I didn't follow through with my plan to not date for a while.

November/December 2007: I talked with 2 women online and they were crazy. One was still married and turned out she and her husband were wanting someone to join them in their bedroom. I don't share well and asking for a threesome is a deal breaker for me. I then talked with a woman in late December for a while and I quickly learned she was crazy and seemed to be very unstable. I ran quickly to the nearest exit.

In late December I decided that what I was doing was not working so I needed to take some time off to evaluate myself and really what I wanted. I think I was at a point where I felt like I didn't deserve someone good or someone that would treat me well. For so long I was settling and not being good to myself.

Taking 8 months off from dating was the best thing for me. I really worked hard on myself and really thought hard about what I wanted in a partner. I decided that I would no longer settle and somewhere along the line (thanks for some really great friends) I realized that I did deserve to be with someone that adored me and treated me well.

I have always had the feeling that when the time was right, she would find me. The beginning of last month she did find me and my life has been completely changed for the better.

When I was in elementary school I always hated when we would have to stand in line and we would get picked for teams. When Laura picked Sharon over me it was like I was back in elementary school again and I was standing in front of everyone and everyone could see that I was not picked. Not only was my heart broken, but my pride was also hurt.

Susan summed it up very well this past weekend. We were sitting on the couch watching TV and she looked over at me and said, "I am so glad Laura is in Shreveport. "

Me too.

Life is Good

And yet another perfect weekend.

It was kind of a rough start to the weekend since I had been so stressed at work. As I drove up to Susan's we had severe thunderstorms move into the area. The traffic going back to KC stopped completely. I knew that when Susan and I drove back to KC we would need to find a different route. We ended up driving 30 minutes east to catch another highway going south. It took us 2 hours to get home and by the time we were a few minutes from my place it was raining so hard that we had to pull over. I really hate being on the highway and not being able to see a thing. We finally made it home and when I put my car in park the key would not come out of the ignition. It was stuck on the part where the car was off, but it was still using the battery. We tried for about 15 minutes and then decided to call AAA. Because of the storms they wouldn't have anyone that could come out for at least 2 hours. About 45 minutes after we called, we got a call from the guy that was going to come out. He said he wasn't sure if he could fix the problem because it sounded like a transmission problem. When I heard that I got a huge pit in my stomach. He then said that sometimes the cable that puts the car in park sometimes get caught. He told me to take the car out of park and slam the handle into park. As we walked up to the car I prayed that this would work. It did work and I was so relieved. By this point it's almost 9 and Susan and I are starving. We decide to order pizza and find out the delivery time was 100 minutes. We decided to go pick it up and we both held our breathe as I turned the car off at Pizza Hut hoping the key was not stuck again.

Thankfully after Friday the weekend was perfect.

I was on call this weekend so I knew that I would be getting a few calls. I didn't plan on 10 Friday night. Keep in mind as I am dealing with my car problems I am also taking calls from my techs. Susan said she was impressed when through all of it I was calm, cool and collective. I even received 2 calls around midnight and 1 at 4:30am. This weekend was a good chance for Susan to see what it's like when I am on-call. Thankfully she was very understanding about all the calls, even the ones in the middle of the night.

Susan got me to watching the British series Bad Girls. Does anyone else watch this show? She has the first 6 seasons on DVD and I almost through with Season 1. I really love this show and it is officially my new favorite series.

This morning as I was coming back from walking Sophie I fell on the stairs coming back down to my apartment. It's been real slick with all the rain we have been getting and my Crocs have no traction. I don't think I hurt myself, but it was still a shock. I guess I will know better tomorrow morning if I will be sore or not.

This is the second time in 3 weeks that I have been walking and out of nowhere I just fall. I must really be in love since I am having a hard time just walking.

The picture at the top is the bumper sticker on my car. I never put bumper stickers on my cars, but when I saw this one I realized it describes how I am feeling. I don't know when life has ever been as good as it is right now.

End of a tough week

This has been a very hard week at work. I have had a lot of tech issues that I have had to deal with and by last night I was done with work and really didn't want to come in today. I had a meeting this morning at one of our other locations and it was pouring rain. Not just raining, but it was so bad that I could barely see while I was driving on the highway. Going from my car to the building allowed me to have my second shower for the day. We are suppose to get rain all weekend and that kind of worries me because there is already some flooding happening. By next week we are suppose to get rain from the hurricane that is hitting Texas this weekend. I love rain, but this is a little much for even me.

Just 3 hours until I with my girl again. It is going to be a great weekend.

Hope everyone has a wonderful (and hopefully dry) weekend.

The Divorce

In my post a few days ago Fern asked me about when I was married to my ex-husband and how/why the marriage failed. So here is the story:

James and I married in November 1995. I loved James, but I was not in love with him. When we first started dating he converted to become a Jehovah's Witness. He was raised Catholic, so this was very hard for his parents. I think they always resented me for that and I totally understand that now. James became a very hard core JW. I always thought I was a good JW until James came along. He would bug me about certain things I did and say that it was right. In the fall of 1998 we decided that I would go off the pill and we were hoping we would become pregnant. I think we were pretty lucky that I did not get pregnant considering the marriage was never going to last. It's kind of scary thinking that if that had happened I would have a 9 year old.

In the fall of 1999 I had just started my first job after getting my bachelors degree and life was pretty good. I was meeting a lot of cool people through work and I really felt like I was able to breathe again. I felt that my marriage to James and the church were suffocating me. In October of 1999 I took a family I was working with to the Child and Family Services building. When their worker came out it was as if my heart stopped. It was the first time that I realized that I didn't want to just be her friend. It was the first time that I wanted to kiss a woman. I introduced myself and gave her card and told her to call if she ever wanted to hang out. Believe me, this was the first time I had ever done something like this. Well a few days later she came to my work to talk about the family we were both working with. I loved how she didn't just call me, but came to my work to see me. We decided that we should get together sometime for drinks after work. I was thrilled and so excited. I remember I couldn't stop thinking about her and even though it felt great, I was also very scared. I knew what this meant and I knew exactly what was going to happen if I followed through with it. And even though I knew what it meant, I didn't care. I was willing to take that chance.

This person and I got together a couple of times, but nothing physical ever happened. By November James was realizing something was going on. I got scared and told him exactly what I was feeling and that I didn't know what to do about it. James freaked out and really seemed disgusted with me. You know, most straight men probably would love it if their wife said she wanted to sleep with a woman. Not James. He was horrified and within a couple of days we were sitting in front of an elder. I was upset because the elder that James chose to talk to was my uncle. I have never been more uncomfortable then talking to my uncle about what was going on.

That year my parents gave James and I a week long vacation in Mexico for our anniversary. They knew we were having problems and I think they were hoping this trip would change things. It was on this trip that I realized I could no longer live the life of a straight and married Jehovah's Witness. Considering my Moms reaction when I told her, I am pretty certain James did tell them I was gay back in 2000. As far as my parents thought we broke up because he didn't like my smoking.

In April 2000, James moved back to California. Right before he moved out, James did tell the elders that I was smoking and within a few months I was disfellowshipped. I ended up staying out of the church for 1 1/2 years and I kind of look at my first disfellowshipping as a dress rehearsal for what would happen in 2004.

It took 11 months for James and I to finally get divorced. I think we had a total of 5 court hearings before we were finally able to settle. The divorce was very much like our wedding. James and I sat back and watched our parents plan everything. In regards to the divorce both our parents told us what to do and the end result was a long, nasty divorced. It was almost as if our parents were the ones getting the divorce.

Up until a few months ago, the last time I had talked to James was when we were in court for the final hearing. I had always wondered how he was doing and if he was happy. Well, this past summer I found him on Myspace and emailed him. He wrote back that he was no longer a JW and was so much happier now. I was glad to see that he was no longer part of the cult. I am sure his parents are also very happy.

James is a great person and is probably one of the kindest persons I have ever met. He would do anything for his family and loved ones. I wish we could have remained friends, but I have accepted that we probably never will be friends. When I think back to the Caroline I was when we were married I see how much I have changed. It's like I am a completely different person. I think the one person that can really see this change is Lynilu. We became friends a year before James and I separated and she really was able to see my whole transition. We should have her do a guest post sometime about the Caroline back in 2000. I would really love to hear someones opinion that had a front row seat to all the changes I went through.

And that my friends is the story of James and me.

For My Sweetheart

Do you love me because I'm beautiful, or am I am beautiful because you love me?
--Oscar Hammerstein II

Murphy's Law

Last week I decided to email my sister-in-law on my ex-husbands side of the family. When James and I divorced Jenn was the only one that would talk to me. As happy as I was to be divorced, I was sad that I was technically losing 5 nieces/nephews. Jenn has always sent me x-mas cards and pictures of the kids. I love that to her family I am still "Aunt Caroline". Well, it had been about a year since we talked and I was curious as to how she was doing. It was good catching up with her and I am so excited because they are expecting another baby this November. It's also been fun catching up on what James has been doing. James is a really good person and I truly hope that he is happy one day. A few months ago I emailed James on myspace and he was so excited to tell me that he finally saw the light and is no longer a Jehovah's Witness. James became a Jehovah's Witness after we started dating and somehow he was more of a hard core Witness then me who was raised a witness for the first thirty years of my life. When we were having problems and I suggested a marriage counselor, his response was "I will only go to a therapist that is a Jehovah's Witness". I am happy that he is no longer part of that cult and hope he wasn't hurt too much by the witnesses.

I think I have found my new part-time job.

* Thursday: Won $240 off a $2 scratch off
* Saturday won $30 off a $2 scratch off and $3 from a Powerball ticket
* Today: won $40 off a $2 scratch off

That totals $313 in one week. Not too bad if I do say so myself. Looks like I'm not cursed by Murphy's Law after all.

End of Summer

I knew this day was coming, but it kind of caught me by surprise this year. Today they drained the pool in my complex:
As happy as I am to see fall and cooler temps, I am still a little sad that the pool is closed. I haven't been to the pool since late July and my tan has already started to fade. I lost the tan competition to MJ and I am reminded of that all the time. Just like the Chiefs, there is always next year.

It was at this pool that my heart finally healed. Not only did I resolve issues with Laura, but I did with my parents as well. I will always remember this summer.

Look who is feeling better:
There is nothing better then a walk in the early evening with my best friend.

I love this picture of her:
When we go on walks she is so excited that I swear she is smiling.

It seems I am not the only one that is feeling like there is something missing:
Friday can't get here soon enough.

Funny Story

A few weeks ago when I was driving up to see Susan I saw the strangest thing on the highway.

Ahead of me was a person on a motorcycle and there was a small cat carrier on the back. At first I thought it was really strange and kind of cruel if there was actually a cat inside. When I got beside the motorcycle there was not a cat in the carrier, but a raccoon. This was one of the times where I really wished I had my camera.

A raccoon? Seriously it was the funniest thing I have ever seen.

Escape

It's been one of those days. I just want to escape here:
with just my girl.

Who Could Ask for More

As I was driving home this weekend I passed the airport and this plane flew right over me. I love it when I am driving past the airport and a plane comes in for a landing.

It was yet another perfect weekend. It seems that each time we get together it gets better and better. Saturday when I woke up I went and got an oil change and it was when I was at Walmart that I realized how tired I was. I had taken some sinus medication before I went and it kicked in while I was walking around Walmart. By the time I got to Susan's I felt like I was going to fall asleep at any moment. But seeing her smiling face seemed to make me a lot less tired. I need to remember that just because the package says "non-drowsy" does not mean it won't make me tired.

I cooked for her Saturday night and it went over really well. Maybe there is a hidden cook inside me after all. And breakfast this morning was as a big of a hit as dinner the night before. It all seemed perfect. It seemed perfect that she sat in the kitchen and talked to me while I cooked. It was perfect that I sat at the table while she insisted on doing the dishes. I saw a clear picture of how my future is going to look.

We have both been through a lot in the last couple of years and we've decided that we are each others rewards. I always dreamed that I would find someone that I had so much in common with and an equal amount of chemistry. Like I keep saying, everything I went through the last 18 months that lead me to her was worth it.

Here is another picture of my drive home this evening:
It's official: summer is gone and I couldn't be happier. The Halloween stuff is out at Walmart, I am able to sleep with the windows open, it's getting darker earlier and earlier and the pool has closed at my complex. I am personally glad that summer is over; although this summer was not too hot so I can't really complain. When I think back to this summer I have so many good memoies and I had a lot of good times with some awesome friends. I also spent a lot of time working on me, which appears to have been the right thing to do.

I am happy and in love; I really couldn't ask for more.

Under the Weather

Since last weekend I have had a dull headache and some minor congestion. By mid week I realized that I probably had a sinus infection, but tried really hard to treat it at home. But it seemed to be getting worse and yesterday I was so tired. I took my temperature at work and was running a low grade fever. I called my doctor yesterday to see if they would call in a RX for some antibiotics, but of course they wouldn't. When I woke up this morning my head was killing me and my nose was so sensitive. I decided to go to the doctor. Thankfully they were able to get me in late this afternoon. Yes I do have a sinus infection, but the surprising thing is I also have an ear infection in my left ear. My ear started hurting a few days ago, but I didn't think too much about it. At the doctors office I had still had a fever of 100.2. It's amazing how draining a fever is. I could barely keep my eyes open today and seemed to be in a zone. So now both Sophie and I are on antibiotics. I am going to need to make a schedule to make sure we both get our meds and more importantly, that I don't accidentally take her pills.

The last time I went to the Doctor was in June and it was not a pleasant experience. My Doctor was so rude and really made me feel bad about my weight. They had trouble taking my blood pressure and they kept taking it over and over again in the same arm. By the time they got a reading it was 150/100. The Doctor said that I needed to be on blood pressure meds and wrote out the RX. I told her to look through my file and she would see that I don't have a history of high blood pressure. She still told me that I needed to take this medicine. Well, I didn't fill the RX because I knew my pressure was high because they kept taking it in the same arm. My Doctor was out today so I saw someone different and I think I am going to change doctors. My blood pressure was perfect at 126/78 and this new doctor was really nice and listened to me.

As I was checking in they had my file sitting on the counter and I glanced down at it and in big letters at the bottom of the information sheet it said, "GAY". I found that kind of odd because I am not sure what being gay has to do with my health. It really didn't bother me, but I just found it odd. Oh well....

Susan is coming down tomorrow and I am planning on making her dinner tomorrow night AND breakfast Sunday morning. I have no idea what is getting into me, but suddenly I feel like being domestic. We had talked about going out to dinner, but as she said the other night, "Do we really want to waste 2 hours going OUT to dinner?" Yea, I think we will stay in.

Song of my Heart

If my heart could sing, it would sing this song.

Lucky Again

Taking Sophie to the vet last week was a huge strain on me financially snice they had to run a bunch of test and all the medicine she is on now. I am trying to save for the taxes and tags for my car and it seemed like I was never getting ahead. Well, it seems my luck is starting to change.

Today at lunch I went to a convenience store to get a coke and decided to get a $2 scratch off. As I walked out the store I said a quick prayer and hoped that maybe I would win $20. Turns out I won $240 from that one ticket.

It looks like my love life is not the only area where my luck is changing.

Randomness

Thank you all for your awesome comments in my last post. It really makes me happy that so many of you are happy for me and this happiness I have found. It's because of each of you that I was able to make it through the last 18 months. When I think back to everything that has happened in the last 18 months my head literally spins. One quote that helped me get through everything is: Sometimes you have to lose to win.

I have lost a lot in the last 18 months and I had many days where I asked God why he was punishing me. But I kept telling myself (with help from you guys) that my reward would be better then anything I could imagine. And everyone was right! My reward came to me last month and she is better and more beautiful then what I could have ever hoped for.

Isn't it amazing how one moment can change everything. When you know, you just know.

So the other day I was surfing the Internet and I found what I want to buy Sophie if I ever win the lottery:

Isn't this the greatest thing. I actually think this house is bigger then my current apartment. You should check out this cool website of designer dog houses.

Look, this one even has a pool!!!!!
These houses even come with AC and heat.

The rain from Gustav has moved in. It has rained literally all day. I was actually cold today. Love, love, love this weather. It's time to start the official countdown for the first snowfall.

Purse

I have not carried a purse for at least 15 years. I think the last time I truly had a purse was when I was in high school; and even then it was a very small one that I could throw over my shoulder. I have never felt the need for a purse and have learned not to carry a lot of stuff with me.

Well, Susan told me that I really should carry a purse. I told her that I didn't need one because if I needed something carried I could just put it in her purse. She didn't think that was too funny. :) Her pursuit to get me to carry a purse was only intensified when we went out to dinner on Saturday. We went to the restaurant where my co-worker L works. I still don't know how it came up, but the two of them started talking about me not having a purse. Here is how the conversation between the two of them went:

S: I was shocked that Caroline doesn't carry a purse.
L: I know, me too. I have never seen her carry anything but her wallet.
S: I don't know any women that don't carry purses.
L: Me neither...well, besides Caroline.

I loved how they talked like I wasn't even there. By the end of the conversation L had told Susan of a store down the street where we could go look for a purse for me. So after dinner we headed over to the store and I started looking through the purses. I found one that I really liked, but it was $79.99. I told Susan that I refused to pay $80 for a purse. She looked at me like, "I don't understand what is wrong with that." We ended up leaving that store with no purse, but she talked me into going to one more store.

Here is what I found at the second store we went to:
I think it's more of a bag, but it's a start. I told Susan to be patient with me because carrying a purse is like having a third arm. It's just really awkward for me.

I have a feeling when we get together this weekend we will be looking for new shoes for me. Her response to my Crocs were, "I can't believe you get your shoes from a Sporting Goods Store."

Life is Very Good

First of all, I have some very good news. The vet called me just a few minutes ago and told me that all of Sophie's blood work came back just fine. It was sweet because the first thing she said was, "how is Sophie doing?" She was happy to hear that she is doing better and more active. My vet is so awesome to take the time out of her Holiday to call and let me know. It was funny because in the background I could hear her little girl saying, "I want Pizza". It was cute. Thanks for all your prayers.

My weekend: I really don't know how to express how perfect this past weekend was. Susan came down on Saturday and went home this afternoon. We spent the weekend talking (we never have trouble finding things to talk about), shopping, watching LOGO and listening to this song. I am trying to figure out how I got so lucky. I have found (well, she actually found me) this beautiful, smart, funny and kind woman that is completely crazy about me. If going through the past 18 months is what lead me to her, then it was all worth it and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Susan passed a very important test this weekend. Usually Ben will hide whenever someone new comes into the house. It's usually weeks or months before anyone really sees him. Saturday evening Ben came out and even went up to her. By Sunday morning he was letting her pet him and walking around the apartment more. Late last night we were laying in bed and I looked over and both Ben and Bonk were on her side right next to her. Even when Susan got out of bed, Ben just laid there. She is officially a part of our family.

It has been impossible not to talk about my blog and all my blogger friends. This blog and all of you play such an important role in my life that I had to share this with her. So I imagine she will be visiting my blog now, so please be sure to say HI to her.

So here it is the start of new month. I have a healthy dog and one amazing woman. Life is very good.