Winter Wonderland Pictures

I know some of you are tired of me talking about the weather, but I am just so excited about all this snow.
My drive home. Notice the ice on my windshield. It just won't melt.

One of our strays who is experiencing his first snow. They are all enjoying the dog house I bought them a few months ago.

Our dog statue with his Santa hat. Now it feels like Christmas around here.

My car Lulu. She is just a solid piece of ice. It took me 10 minutes to get my gas tank lever open. Like everything else on the car..it was frozen solid.

Our back deck. The Christmas lights are gorgeous in the snow.

Another one of the Christmas lights in front.

By tomorrow all our lights should be under 12-18 inches of snow. Oh yea, I am having a 3 day weekend.

Something other then the weather

Here are the other things going on besides the weather.

*Today is my parents 38th anniversary. IF they were talking to me I am sure I would be taking them out to dinner to celebrate this day. Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad.

*I got on the scale today and much to surprise I have lost another 2lbs. I am now at 18lbs lost. I was so excited that I woke Laura up to tell her. At 7am she wasn't as excited for me. Now that she is more awake she is more excited.

*On Monday my uncle called the house and when Laura answered he said it was a wrong number. Then yesterday, while Laura was home, someone came to the door and left us a JW brochure about "Immoral Sexual behavior". Hum, I wonder who left that at our door in the middle of an ice storm. I called the cult headquarters in NY yesterday and told them to put us on the list of "who not to call on." You can call 1-718-560-5000 and just give them your name and address and they swear they will never call on you again. We'll see how well this goes over.

Back to the weather.....

It's finally snowing!!!!!!!!

Skating Rink

As much as I prayed last night I still had to come into work today. But I am not expecting to stay all day. The snow is due to move in around noon and they are saying we could get as much as 18 inches of snow. They are saying that it will snow for more then 12 hours before it comes to an end. I don't think I have seen that much snow at one time before. I am so excited.

This morning it took me 30 minutes to get all the ice off my car. Laura's car was parked safely in the garage and we were trying to figure out why we didn't put my car in the garage last night. Oh well. The main roads are good this morning, but the side streets are sheets of ice. And our parking lot at work is the worst. It's a solid sheet of ice. I told my boss that once the snow starts I am out of here. He seemed fine with that. And we were told that our celebration breakfast tomorrow will not be canceled, but if we can't make it in due to the weather then it's fine. I am already thinking I won't be able to make it in. :)

I brought my digital camera to work with me today because I know there are going to be some good pictures throughout the day. The street that my office looks out at is all ice. I came down the street today and someone made a sign that says, "slow down..ice".

Say a prayer that I make it home safe again today. My driving is fine, it's the other crazy people that make me so nervous.

Ice Ice Baby

Well, I made it home safe and sound. Of course there were the crazy drivers out there that were trying to kill themselves plus anything in their way, but once I hit my street my heart rate and pulse went back to normal. Here are some pictures of the ice this evening. Keep in mind this is ice, not snow.
Our back deck. Laura came out and said, "hey it's snowing". I had to correct her and remind her that it's still sleeting out there.

The lights look so pretty with the ice on them. I tried to get a close up, but it didn't turn out that well.

They are calling for the ice to stop tonight and then tomorrow we get hit with a second whammy. They are saying that it will start snowing tomorrow afternoon and by the time it ends late Friday morning we should have 10-12 inches of snow. 3/4 TV stations in KC are saying this. The other one is saying just 8 inches. Still, once it hits six inches it's a big deal.

Friday morning our agency is having our annual celebration breakfast. The President of our National Company is flying in tomorrow and we have over 300 people coming to this celebration. I am not sure if all this will happen on Friday morning if we get all this snow.

I may be looking at another 4 day weekend. Doesn't get much better then this.

Winter Returns

It seems that our summer like weather has come to a complete halt. Last night when I got home from work we had the back door open and the fan going. Amazingly it got up to 70 yesterday and boy was it humid. When we went to bed it was still warm so we slept with the window open. We woke up to 35 degrees and cold rain. Now the temp is below freezing and they are calling for ice all this afternoon and then snow tonight and tomorrow. Right now it just appears to be raining, but I am expecting it to change anytime now that it's below freezing.

My office windows look out to a street on a hill. People are driving like it's sunny and 80 degrees. I am just waiting for some idiot to slide into someone else, or even worse my office.

My office is very good about letting us go when the weather is bad. Any sign of ice and I am heading on home. People in Kansas City do not know how to drive in bad weather. It's as if they are all surprised that the roads are slick. Once I get home I will be able to enjoy the wintry weather with a cup of hot chocolate.

We have 4 TV stations in Kansas City and as it always is no one can agree on what the weather is going to do. One station said some ice, no snow. Another said lots of ice, very little snow. And then a third has said it's going to be a major ice storm followed by 4-8 inches of snow. It's so frustrating. I find myself watching the station that says we will get the most snow. In 2002 we had a major ice storm in Kansas City. Most of the city lost power for 3-4 days. I knew someone that still had no power after 12 days. With no power that means no heat as well. I kept myself warm during the day by going next door to Lynilu's and sitting in front of the fire place. At night I just froze. It was 3 of the most miserable days of my life. No shower, cold food and no heat. At least this time if the ice is that bad I will have Laura to join in my misery. I remember being so lonely during that time. I was out of the church for the first time and even though I had no heat (and they did) my family refused to let me come to their house. Oh, sweet memories.

Laura went out to the grocery story today because I told her that I didn't want to be snowed in with no junk food. Aren't I horrible. Here we both are trying to loose weight and she is training for a triathlon and I am tempting her with junk food.

**Update 2:15pm. Our office is closing at 3pm. All our trees at work and my car are covered in ice. If you are reading this Laura, have my hot chocolate ready around 3:30pm.**

Rumors

There is a huge rumor going around that Laura, yes Laura, has created a blog. She had one about a year ago, but neglected it horribly and then ended up deleting it. She now has a goal to keep track of. Please go welcome here to blogland again. The more comments she gets the more she will post. Go check out her blog.

And by the way, the first person to call me Mabel will be reprimanded harshly.

The Life of a Social Worker

Today has been one of those days at work that I will not soon forget. Here are some of the things I have had to deal with today.

1) My client this morning not only called me "a big fat liar", but she put her hands up and said when she gets mad she uses her hands. Just so you know, she was very mad at me by at this point. All this because I requested a drug test. She said all this while she held and nursed her 2 month old baby, which by the way reminded me a lot of TomKat's Suri. She left threatening me with a formal complaint and I so desperately wanted to say, "bring it on bitch", but I smiled and showed her where the proper paperwork was. Thank goodness our social work student was in with me during the assessment. I really needed a witness with this assessment.

2) I had someone call saying they just HAD to get in for an assessment today. They called at 3pm. I explained that there was no way I could get them in today. Found out it was ordered by their probation officer. This person explained to me that he had a dirty UA (drug test). This person told me the drug test was done one year ago. When asked when they last used marijuana this person told me, "two years ago." Huh? Last time I heard marijuana didn't stay in your system for that long.......unless you're still using. I then asked this person when they were ordered for an assessment. They said "just recently". I tried to get them to be more specific. Apparently, just recently is six months ago. Jesus Christ people. How many times do I have explain to you "lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."

It's only Tuesday. I have 3 more days of this. Please Lord, help me get through this.

Another Tooth..

About a week ago I noticed one of my teeth was very sensitive to anything hot or cold. Then yesterday I started getting the dreaded tooth ache. By 11pm I could feel it throbbing. I took some Tylenol and it seemed to work. But it's hurting again this morning. I have an appointment on Thursday to have my crown put on, but I am not sure I can or want to wait until Thursday. I called my dentist this morning and they told me they have no openings. Here are my thoughts: As much money as they have gotten from me you would think they could squeeze me in. Plus the fact that I am in pain. All the other root canals I have not had any pain. So the fact that I am feeling pain probably means it's pretty bad. Have I mentioned how tired I am of all this dental work. Having another root canal will probably send me over the edge. I am already depressed with the thought of having to have one.

Today the high in Kansas City is 70. Tomorrow when we wake up it will be in the 50's and there will be a 30 degree drop through out the day bringing winter weather. They are saying not to expect too much snow, but I am hoping that they are wrong and we end up with something like a foot of snow. I would love that. Friday morning when we wake up it will be 9 degrees with a high of 27 for the day. Talk about weather extremes.

Thank you all for your suggestions on how to change my header. Laura is the one that is so good at computer stuff so I will have her look over it this evening. I just hate having to change to a different host. I would loose all my achieves.

Help

Does anyone know how to add my own picture to my header?? I have been working on this all night and I can't figure it out. I have even thought about switching to another blog host besides blogger. I opened an account with wordpress and this is what I created. Now if I could just figure out how to do this with blogger. Otherwise I may have to end my relationship with blogger. I even tried typepad, but couldn't figure out how to add my own picture. I want to make my blog unique and I am just really struggling with this.

Please help. I am willing to offer cash to anyone that can help me.

Todays Lesson

Why is it 4 days at work goes so slow, but 4 days off seems to just fly by? I would give anything to be at home and in bed right now. I really need to start playing the lottery on a regular basis so I can maybe someday only worry about where my next vacation will be.

Friday when I went to pick up Sophie dog at the vet I ran into a Jehovah's Witness. I pulled in next to this car and when I looked over this lady was staring at me. I immediately realized that is was a woman that I used to go to church with. She got out of the car and I thought "crap" because I really didn't feel like dealing with a JW on this day. As I walked in right behind this woman she stood at the counter talking to the receptionist. The receptionist then had to go in the back to get something and this JW just stared forward. It was as if she looked or talked to me she was going to melt. What a bitch. I wanted to say something like, "you know saying HI to me will not make you a bad person". The two of us just stood there for two very long minutes until the receptionist came back. It was the most awkward 2 minutes of my life. Not because there was a JW standing there, but because I knew this person was trying so hard not to look or talk to me. As we stood there I just kept thanking God that I had a chance to get out of that cult and lead a normal happy life. After not seeing this person for more then two years she still looked as miserable as when I was friends with her. Poor thing.

This morning as I was driving to work Laura called and said my Uncle had called the house. She knew who it was by the caller ID and when she answered the phone he said, "I'm sorry, I have the wrong number." He's not a good liar. I wonder why he was calling. He might have been checking to see if we still had the same phone number or who might answer the phone. Two years ago (just two months after I left the church) I noticed that my aunt/uncles phone number was on our caller ID. I called the house and of course no one answered. I left message asking if they needed something. A couple days later my Uncle called back saying he had dialed the number by accident. Ok, whatever.

When I tell people that I have not talked with my parents or other extended family in more then two years they are very shocked. They are shocked that my parents (and extended family) could be so cruel and mean. Being cruel and mean is not new to me. I grew up in a family filled with lots of cruelness and meaness. I sometimes wonder how I came out of this situation with so much love for others as well as compassion. I know I certainly didn't learn that from my family or the church. I know there are a lot of JW's that leave that are filled with hate and revenge. I thank God that in all my trials throughout life the one lesson I learned was how to love.

Our Thanksgiving

Our Thanksgiving break was so much more then I hoped plus a few things that we didn't expect. First of all there was Sophie Dogs trip to the vet. She is doing much better, but it's been a couple rough days around our house. She was sent home with the collar that she decided she did not like. We also decided that we didn't like it. The first night she was home we kept it on all the time. She was running into walls, running into us and on a couple occasions she accidentally "scooped" up a cat. We let her outside with her collar on and she would run in the yard,but wouldn't go to the bathroom. Finally I took off the collar and let her out and she finally went to the bathroom. One of the side effects of the shots they gave her was increased thirst and increased urination. She was happy when she was finally able to pee. We left the collar off for rest of the night and knew we would have to put it back on when we went to bed. Any licking of the area could make it a lot worse. As I was sitting on the couch before we went to bed I realized that maybe we could put a t-shirt on. We found a t-shirt that fit her, cut it so it wasn't too long and it worked. We all slept very well that first night.

Saturday she started licking the area. We put the t-shirt on her and it seemed to work. Then last night we went down to visit with our oldest nephew and girlfriend who just go their first apartment. We were gone for about 3 hours and when we got home we found Sophie with no t-shirt on. She had somehow managed to get it off and you could tell she had been licking the area. So the collar went back on. We left it on when we went to bed and it was a miserable night. She didn't want to lay down and just kept walking around the bedroom walking into things. Finally at 2am after she ran into the wall for the 100th time I took off the collar and put the shirt back on. She didn't touch the shirt and we finally were able to get some sleep.

Here is how rest of our weekend has gone.

Here is Laura on Thanksgiving at her parents house. As usual we had more food then we knew what to do with and it was all so good. We came home with full tummies and full hearts.
One of the traditions of the holidays is to play dominoes. Here is Laura's Mom and older sister. Like it always happens we were all laughing so hard we were crying.

Friday morning started our very early. We got up at 5am to be at Target by 6am. We got everything we had hoped to get and were very happy with the deals we got. And we are so happy that we are almost done with all our shopping. Having 30 people to buy for we shop all through the year. It's so nice to be organized. We ended the morning with a good breakfast and then we decided to put up the x-mas tree. That is when we had to rush Sophie to the vet. After we dropped her off we came home and set up the tree and indoor decorations. Our house is so festive now. It's great.

Today is filled with movie watching and doing laundry oh and making sure the dog is not licking her infected area. We're having so much fun I really don't want to go back to work tomorrow.

Prayers for my Best Friend

This morning we had to rush Sophie to the vet after finding what appears to be a cyst-tumor under her right front leg. As we were putting up our Christmas tree Laura noticed a white/bloody mass sticking out. We immediately took her to the vet. We had to leave her because they were completely booked today and would look at her sometime this afternoon.

All of this came up very sudden. Sophie, who is around 60lbs thinks she is a lap dog so she is always on the couch with us and we always are scratching her all over. Two days ago she did not have this on her leg. It doesn't appear to bother her and she doesn't seem to be in any pain. But still...I worry and I worry a lot. I don't think I could handle losing my baby right now. Sophie was always there with others weren't. She is my best friend.

Please say lots of prayers for Sophie (and me) right now. We really need them right now. She just can't leave me right now.

**Update 3:00PM: The vet called and said that it is NOT a cyst, but a very bad staph infection. The vet said that when they first looked at it they thought it was a cyst, but after they shaved the area they realized that it was just a very bad infection and with the skin hanging over it the way it was it looked like a cyst. She now has to wear a "helmet" so she doesn't scratch the area any more, is on 2 weeks of antibiotics and we have to do water therapy to the area. She is not happy about the helmet and it feels like we have a toddler walking around the house knocking everything over. (pictures coming soon) But the good news is she is ok and should be over this in a few weeks. **

Interview

This morning was my job interview and I think it went really well. It was one of the most relaxed job interviews I have ever had. The first thing I noticed when I walked into his office was the view. He has a corner office in downtown KC and the view was amazing. I have never worked in an office where you have such a great view. I could get used to that view.

Right now I am working in the clinical social work field and this would be moving to administration. I would actually be supervising 70 employees. WOW. I think it's time to move away from clinical because I am feeling a little burned out of working directly with the clients.

I should know in a couple of weeks if this is a true possibility. I think the opportunity would be great and I am looking forward to seeing what comes from all of this.

Have a great Turkey day.

Help!!

Ok, I need some serious help. I am actually a little embarrassed about all of this, but the first thing is admitting you have a problem.

I am addicted to this video. I blame Kathy Griffin for all of this. When we were waiting for her to come on stage this song was playing. I haven't been able to get this song out of my head ever since. I have even gone as far as TIVOing MTV in hopes that the video will come on. Last night I had Laura download the song for me so I could listen to it 24/7.

Then today I realized I had major problems. I downloaded the song to my cellphone.

I know this will cause a lot of laughing among all of you, but this is a serious problem that I need help with. It has affected my life in so many ways. All I do is think about this song and I am constantly turning to the video channels in hopes of seeing this video. Laura is threatening to leave me due to my obsession.

I need help.

My Thanks

As Thanksgiving approaches I thought I would say why I am so thankful this year. Thanksgiving has always been (even when I was a JW) my favorite holiday. Getting together with family and enjoying a good meal is a wonderful way to start out the holiday season.

In 2006 I am thankful for:

*Laura. I had no idea one person would make so many of my dreams come true. Not once has she taken me for granted and I love how she finds news way of showing her love everyday.

*My in-laws. They have accepted me into the family and have always made me feel like I am part of the family. I love how we can agree to disagree on some things, but the love is still there. Family is Family.

*Our pets. Everyday they entertain us in new ways. I am constantly amazed at their unconditional love and loyalty. Each of them came into my life at a time when I needed them.

*My blogger friends. When I started this blog I had no idea I would find so many people around the world that I connect with. The support I have gotten from each of you means so much to me. Thank you.

*God. He is with me each and every day and there isn't a day that goes by that He doesn't show me how blessed I am.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and is able to spend it with your loved ones.

More on Key West

Last week I said there had been some changes to our plans for the commitment ceremony and I am so excited to share those plans. Through all of this it really shows me that things happen for a reason.

Laura's younger sister and husband will be joining us in Florida for the ceremony. Younger sister and husband are so excited for the trip as well as being there for our ceremony. And we are thrilled that they will be there with us and we can show them around the Keys. Younger sister has called us at least twice a day since we asked them to come with us to Florida. I think they are more excited then us. Laura has already had conversations with little sister about what we are wearing and flowers, etc. It will be nice having someone there to help us plan the day as well as get through the day with little worries.

I have some friends that live in Tampa that are also going down to Key West for the ceremony. I have been friends with this couple since I was 13 years old. They moved in next to us and I instantly hit it off with them. They have always been there to support me with no questions asked. They loved and supported me when I left the church the first time, they loved and supported me when I went back to the church and when I told them I was gay they didn't even blink an eye. They have always told me, "love is what it's all about". I couldn't agree more. They have been the one constant thing in my life since I was 13 and they are family to me.

After our ceremony the six of us will go to dinner in Key West to celebrate. It's going to be a day that I will never forget with the love of my life right next to me as well as people that love and support us standing there with us.

It's going to be hard waiting until April because we are so excited about the trip and our commitment ceremony. Pledging my love to Laura at sunset on the water is a dream come true.

For those of you that wanted a copy of our CD, I will be getting those in the mail hopefully by the end of this week. If you didn't email me and want one just email me at carolinesemail73@yahoo.com with your address and I will get one to you as well.

One last thing: I just read the post to Laura and she informed me that she wants a cool nickname instead of "love of my life" or just "Laura". Anyone have any suggestions?

I Really Hate Some People

About two weeks ago we had a very friendly yellow lab show up at our door. I knew it belonged to this guy that lived just around the corner. I got out the leash and took him home. The guy seemed appreciative, but not as much as I would have been if my dog had gotten out of the yard. Two days later "Drake" showed up again. Again I took him home.

This morning I went to get a paper and saw Drake in the street dead. Apparently he was hit by a car. After I got my paper I went to Drakes owners house to make sure he knew that Drake was up the street. As the guy answered the door I asked if he was missing Drake. He said, "yes I saw him up in the street earlier this morning and I need to go scoop him up." WTF.

First of all if that was my dog I would have already gone and gotten him and made sure that he was not still alive. Second I would have made changes to my fence to make sure he couldn't get out. I told this guy that he needed to go get his dog and walked away. He apologized and shut the door.

People like this just really piss me off. Drakes owner was acting like "he's dead there's nothing I can do now."

Drakes owner has another dog and if that dog shows up at our house we are just going to keep it.

Busy Saturday

We've had a very busy Saturday so far. It started out at 1:45am when I got a call from an addict. I hate the calls in the middle of the night because anytime the phone rings after 10pm it's usually not good news. I spent the next 30 minutes talking to someone trying to convince them treatment is the best thing for them at this time.

When the alarm went off at 8:30am it seemed way too early. But we got up and headed off to Weight Watchers. Last week I lost just over 3lbs and this week I lost just under 2lbs. I was surprised since I didn't follow Weight Watchers at all during our little mini vacation. But I was very happy. I have now lost a total of 13.5 lbs. Just 50 more to go and I will be there.

This afternoon I decided it was time to put out the outside x-mas lights. I was happy that it didn't take that long and there were no arguments during the process. Here are some pictures of our lights for 2006.


The lights on our back deck are new this year. I love the way they look and it's a nice addition for this year. I keep thinking how much Glenn (Lynilu's husband who passed away last year) would have loved to sit out on his back deck looking at these lights.
Here's our one inflatable for x-mas. I saw it two years ago and we finally found it last year. I just love it. Fits our pet house very nicely.

We call this our "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree". The tree is so small but we have so many lights on lit. I love it.

These big pathway lights are also new. Saw them today while we were out and I just had to have them. This picture isn't that good. But trust me, they look awesome.

This is our deer that is in the very front of the yard. Another favorite of mine.

Two years ago a neighbor had this ladder. I looked all throughout 2005 and finally found it on EBAY last November. As you can see there is a Santa, a Reindeer, an Elf and a Snowman at the very bottom.

So those are our outdoor decorations for this year. Next weekend we are putting up our tree and decking out the house. It's a lot of work, but so worth it.

Job Interview

The agency that I had the phone interview on Monday didn't call me back for a second interview. Damn. So this morning I called and they said they are still working on the second interviews and they would let me know. Translation: Sorry we didn't like you enough on the phone to want to meet you in person.

Last night I got an email from the second agency I had sent my resume to. They emailed me the Job description and wanted to set up a time to interview me. Now I am not as excited about this position, but it's the same amount of money as the other agency. I called them this morning and I have an interview next Wednesday at 9am. I am looking forward to the interview to learn more about this agency and if I really like it more money would be so good.

I sent my resume to 2 places and got 2 call backs. Not too bad considering I was just testing the waters out there.

Sweet Grandma Alice

I was asked today if I had any pictures I could share of my Grandma. This gave me the perfect excuse to go through all my old pictures. I found two that I thought would be perfect for me to post.
This is my brother, my Grandma and me. I am guessing I am about 1 in the picture.

This picture was taken while we were on some boat. Again I think I am about 1 at the time of this picture. Notice the thumb sucking. Most pictures I am in through age 6 have me sucking my thumb. I love this picture of the two of us.

When I graduated from high school my parents bought a page in the yearbook for pictures of me and to say how proud they were of me. This is what my Grandma wrote and this is why I loved her so much.

My favorite granddaughters who give me great joy: Caroline, Jill and little Susan. Caroline, you made us so happy when you came along. Do you remember feeding the ducks at the Bowen's Lake? Sticking your fingers through the fence and getting bit? The pony rides at the zoo? Swimming at Hillcrest? Barry Manilow? Somehow the first child is always special. You are the first daughter of my first daughter. You are special. --Grandma Alice

(on a side note: the fence I stuck my fingers through and got bit was Lynilu's.)

10 Years

Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of my Grandma's death. In the back of my mind I knew yesterday was the anniversary, but it wasn't until late in the afternoon that I acknowledged it. November 15 has always been a hard day because of how much I miss her.

My Mom's Mom was a true sweetheart. She loved her family so much and it showed every time you saw her. When my brother and I were younger her and my Grandpa were the ones that would watch us when my parents would go out of town. We had some good times when my parents were gone and it was just the four of us.

My Grandma loved Hershey's Bars. There was never a time when you would go to her house and there wouldn't be any. For the first couple of years after her death I would go to the grave on November 15 and lay a Hershey's Bar on her grave. I always think of her when I see or eat a Hershey's Bar.

About a week before she passed away I got a call from my aunt asking if I could go to my Grandma's house to sit with her that evening. My Grandma was not sick, but when her husband would go to church in the evening she didn't like staying by herself. At first I was a little upset because for the first time in a while I had the evening off work. I did go and spend the evening with her. It was probably one of the best memories I have of my Grandmother. The two of us sat (in the house I now own) and just talked all evening. We were just talking about life and other things. It's a memory I will have forever.

One week later I got a call from my Mom at 6am saying my Grandma had been taken to the hospital. She had a bleeding ulcer and they tried to correct it through surgery, but due to JW's not taking blood my Grandma fell into a coma and never came out. Before she went into surgery the family was allowed to go and talk to her. Because she was in ICU just two of us could go back at a time. My cousin and I went back together and as we were leaving my Grandma told my cousin and I that she loved us so much and that everything would be ok. I think she knew she was not going to wake up. A few hours later, with the entire family by her bedside she passed away.

The funeral was 4 days later, on the first anniversary of my wedding with my ex husband. My Mom later told me that at my wedding my Grandma was so excited to have a new dress that she told my Mom she wanted to be buried in that dress. Exactly one year later she was buried in that dress with a Hershey Bar in her hand of course.

More stuff from the Trip

Here are some other random things that happened during our little mini-vacation that you all might find amusing.

*I realized that when Laura sings a song she will just make up words. It was actually very funny to listen to her trying to sing different songs. It was even funnier to see her reaction when she realized I was watching her.

*We took the scenic route down to Branson on Sunday. Since 10% of the population is gay we would figure out how many people in the small Missouri towns were gay. Most towns we passed through were less then 500 people. It was a fun game.

*I guess it's ok in the middle of Missouri to by a 5th of vodka and drink it as you drive. We stopped once for a bathroom break in a small town and there were these two guys that bought some alcohol and then got in their pick-up truck and proceeded to open the vodka and drink it from the bottle. It was 11am.

*We quickly realized it was the opening weekend for deer hunting. We saw more dead deer on the back of trucks then we ever want to see again.

*Always remember to close the shades at hotels. I kept forgetting that we were on a corner and there was another room's window right next to us. I am sure I entertained someone.

*Laura thinks I am blind. On Monday night after the show we came back and I fell asleep. Next thing I know Laura is saying loudly..."Caroline". I open my eyes and she says, "can you see me". She did all of this because there was something on tv she wanted me to see. By the time I figured out where and who I was and got my glasses on, it had gone to a commercial. It took me another hour to get back to sleep.

*We didn't realize this but there was a car chase going on as we were driving home on the same highway we were on. When we pulled into Laura's parents house the tv was on showing this car chase. They said on the tv "if you know someone driving in this area please let them know". We never got any calls. We missed the high speed chase by 20 minutes. If we had come across it I would have probably been so scared I would have peed myself and run the car off the road.

*My Honda gets awesome gas mileage. We made it home on less then 1/2 tank of gas and we drove 150 miles. I love my Honda.

*At the Kathy Griffin show I had to deal with a guy in front of me that was very tall. I had to practically lean into Laura's lap to see the show. The guy on the other side of me didn't let me have the arm rest once. My neck still hurts from leaning for 2 hours.

*Don't waste your time going to Springfield, MO. It's a very boring and ugly town.

*Branson is filled with people over the age of 65. While at Walgreens there was this old lady behind us that did not know what boundaries are. She was so close to Laura that she was literally touching Laura's back. We were laughing so hard. The lady did not realize that we were laughing at her not with her.

So Much to Write About

First of all, we had a wonderful time and Kathy Griffin is the funniest person I know. The show was a blast, but more on that later. As always it's wonderful to be home and all the cats and Sophie dog were so happy to see us. The dog is currently passed out next to me on the couch snoring so loud I am about to wake her up. She always comes homes from Grandma and Grandpa's so tired. Now that Landon is walking and talking (and chasing her) she keeps very busy when she is visiting. But Landon and Sophie are so cute together and it was so cute to see Landon going up to Sophie and just wrapping his arms around her and giving her lots of hugs. In return Sophie would give Landon a big kiss right on the face. Dogs and kids..they are too cute.

Here is where we stayed the first night. This is out little retreat in our sometimes crazy world. We pulled in around 3pm and didn't leave the hotel until the next day. In fact, we didn't even leave the room. We ordered room service and just relaxed. It was wonderful.

Here is the "million dollar" bed that I kept talking about. It was just as comfortable as I have always remembered. It's like you are sleeping on clouds. We have decided that when we get a new bed we are calling them to see what kind of mattress they have because we just have to have one of these.

This was our view from our balcony. I love the cloud formations in the distance. It was a beautiful fall day.

Monday we woke up and drove into Springfield. Here is the aquarium at Hemingways. Our waiter (who was so gay) was so jealous that we were on our way to see Kathy Griffin.

Here is Laura looking over the menu. I love this picture of her. She was in heaven eating at this restaurant.

We were so excited to go see Kathy Griffin that we left for the show just a little early. We got to the place at 6pm when the show didn't start until 7:30pm. We ended waiting for an hour before we could even go into our place. One of the best shows. 2 hours of laughing. And I must say that Kathy Griffin is such a cutie in real person. We had really good seats and except for the (what seemed like) 7 ft guy in front of me, it was wonderful.

Our second hotel room was not as good as the first nights stay. Our toilet started running (very loudly) at 11:30pm and didn't stop for 5 minutes. Every time we flushed it would do it. This may be gross, but we finally decided to stop flushing unless we had to go #2. (I know, sorry..that was gross and probably too much information for all of you)

Yesterday when I checked the messages at home there was a message for me. It was the lady from this place I had sent my resume and this is really my dream job. I ended up doing a 15 minute phone interview and they will be calling back if they want a face to face interview. I am so freaking excited. I really think the phone interview went well and what's even better is the salary is $15,000 more then what I making now. Keep up the prayers because not only would I love the salary, but I would really love the work I would be doing. I really pray that this is where God would want me to be right now.

That's it for now. I have so much more to say in regards to the commitment ceremony. There have been some major changes over the past three days. All good. We are still having it in Key West on April 16, but just some minor changes. I can't wait to share it with all of you. But right now I have 5 cats and one dog that are really wanting my attention.

The Cat's Out of the Bag

Laura and I had every intention on waiting until Thanksgiving to make an exciting announcement to the family. We decided that it would be best to tell her parents before we make the announcement to the family. We decided that today would be a good day since we were going to be visiting with them while we dropped the dog off. We got down there and 1/2 the family was there. At one point we were there with just her parents and her older sister. It didn't feel right to pull her parents aside because we knew her sister would wonder what the hell was going on. So we made the announcement to her parents and sister. I don't think we got the reaction we wanted, but we'll give it some time to settle in.

On April 16, 2007 Laura and I will be in the Florida Keys and we have a private charter in Key West that is going to take us out at sunset for our commitment ceremony. Laura and I have been committed to each other since the beginning, but this is more of a public declaration of our love and something we just really want to do. It's going to be a wonderful day and I look forward to it more then anything else next year. When we return we are going to throw a big celebration party at our house.

A few months ago Ragged and her beloved Cynical put together a CD with songs to celebrate their 10 years together. Laura and I thought that was a wonderful idea and really enjoyed their CD. In honor of our Commitment Ceremony Laura and I have put together a CD with songs that are meaningful to our relationship. There are some love songs that define our relationship, show how our relationship started and then songs that have made us laugh throughout our relationship. We decided it would only make sense to offer this CD to all the blogger friends that have supported me through this past year. If you would like a copy of our CD please email me your address and your non-blogger name to: carolinesemail73@yahoo.com I have listened to the CD nonstop for two weeks and it's now my favorite CD. Thanks for the idea Ragged.

I think there are some people that just don't understand why we would want to have a commitment ceremony. Laura and I love each other and we feel this is what is right for our relationship at this time. Not everyone will understand why we are doing this and that is ok. We just want our family to be happy for us because we are happy.

No matter how people react to this news, we are happy and that is all that should matter.

Crazy Weather

Yesterday it was in the 80's. Tonight we are getting snow.

Gotta love Kansas City Weather.

Trip 8,563 to the Dentist

My first day of my 5 day weekend got off to a rocky start. I had a 10am appointment at my dentist for a filling and then to be fitted for my crown. I like to get to my appointments early just in case they can get me in. I walked in the office at 9:50am and I waited. And I waited. And I waited. Finally around 10:20 the receptionist said to me, "did she (the old receptionist) talk to you about how much today would be?" I had budgeted in $200 (part payment for crown, filling) knowing I had a $115 credit. She then explained to me that I was going to have to pay $280. What?????? I explained to her about the credit and she had no idea what I was talking about. At this point I am getting a little irritated. She finally agreed that I must be right and that my part would still be $280. She explained that their prices had gone up, etc, etc, etc. I tell her whatever and I sit down. At this point I am about to tears. I was so tired of all the dental work that I was going through and I was even more tired of all the money I was shelling out. Finally at 10:40 they call me back. I am trying real hard not to cry at this point. I knew there was a chance that the tooth they were doing the filling would need a root canal, but I was hoping for the best.

They hook me up to the laughing gas and I immediately felt calmer and ready to take on the dental world again. They started working on the part for the crown and then next thing I know I feel pain. They stop and give me another shot and then I feel more pain. They give me one more shot and I close my eyes and take deeeeep breathe of the gas. NO PAIN. At one point they stop and poke my tooth and I hear them say, "the tooth is solid", which is a very good thing. It means no root canal. I feel like I just won the lottery.

Right after I felt the first pain I got very scared. I tried to calm myself down and then I had an overwhelming feeling of someone comforting me. I realize that the presence I feel is my Mother. In my mind she is pulling me into her and holding me. It felt good.

I don't know if I was not getting enough oxygen when I felt my Mother comforting me, but it still felt good, but it also was very sad. No matter how strong I try to be, there are times when the little girl in me still desperately wants her Mom. I came home and had a much needed cry.

It's now time to have some fun and get this weekend started.

5 Day Weekend

There is nothing better then a 5 day weekend, especially when I only worked 2 days this week. I am looking forward to the following things this weekend:

*Sleeping in, not because I am sick but because I just feel like it.

*Going down to see Laura's parents this weekend when we drop the dog off to stay there while we get out of town.

*Sitting around and just "chatting" with Laura's parents.

*Waking up Sunday morning knowing that my weekend has just begun.

*Spending the night in a hotel that has the best mattress in the whole world.

*Sipping the best hot chocolate on the balcony of our hotel while looking out at the fall colors in the trees and the lake.

*Waking up Monday morning all rested and relaxed and then driving into Springfield to see the funniest comedian today.

*Eating some kick ass seafood while looking at an aquarium the size of our living room.

*Enjoying our second hotel that has an indoor pool that our room overlooks.

*Again, watching the funniest comedian today.

*Looking forward to all her jokes about the latest celebrity headlines. (I can't wait to hear what she has to say about K-Fed/Britney, Daniel Baldwin and oh so many more)

*Waking up Tuesday morning with a sore stomach from laughing so hard.

*Waking up slowly in the arms of the woman I love while everyone else I know has already been at work for 2 hours.

*Enjoying an afternoon drive back while stopping at all the country stores. (Aren't Amish stores the best with some of the best food)

*Walking into Laura's parents house and the dog running up to me and her face saying, "I missed you so much Mommies".

It's going to be a great weekend. I can't wait for it to start.

Still Sick

Well this "stuff" really sucks. I woke up this morning and knew there was no way I could go into work. I didn't think it was possible, but I feel worse then I did yesterday. My work will probably be a little upset since my boss is gone today as well and so there is no one there to take the crisis calls. I will just have to deal with that tomorrow. Right now I am too stuffed up to think about anything but clearing my head and nose.

When you are sick and then the cook of the family is also sick, it's really bad. We have been living off canned soup and sandwiches for the past two days. Even if I wasn't sick I don't cook that well, so I would probably be doing the same thing. We tried to bribe Laura's Mom into cooking us a nice home cooked meal and bringing it up to us (they live about 30 minutes south of us), but she very politely declined. Part of the reason is because she is busy taking care of Laura's Dad who has the same crap that we do. We figured it was worth a shot in asking her.

All of the things I voted for yesterday won. YEA!! The one important thing was for Stem Cell Research. All the bible thumping Christians came out saying that if this passed then suddenly it would be legal to clone humans. They really need to step away from their Bible and actually read the amendment. Michael J. Fox did a commercial for stem cell research and many of you will probably remember that the pill-popping Rush Limbaugh came out saying Michael J.Fox was acting. Give me a break. I am happy it passed so that we can start working on finding a cure for some of the most cruel diseases. And good for Claire McCaskill for beating out Jim Talent for the senate. This particular campaign got really nasty and mostly from Jim Talent. I am so happy it's over and now we can begin to see some much needed change in this country.

Today it's 80 degrees. With both of us running fevers we feel we need to turn on the a/c. Have I mentioned how tired I am of this back and forth weather. Again I am done with summer and ready for the snow storms.

Kathy Griffin

Laura loves Kathy Griffin and instantly became a fan when her reality show started airing last year. Being forced to watch this show with Laura I came to realize that Kathy Griffin is actually very funny and more importantly she loves gays. When we heard she was coming to a college town about 2 hours from our house we knew we had to go see her. This weekend we are headed to Springfield, MO to see her perform. I can't wait. With all that has been going on in celebrity news and the political world, I am sure her show is going to have us laughing for two hours straight.

One of the benefits from my job is that we get Veterans Day as a paid holiday. Kathy Griffin's show is on Monday night and I figured that since Veterans Day was on a Saturday this year our agency would be closed on Friday. I figured I would just take a 1/2 day on Monday and we would drive down for the show and return Tuesday. Well, about two weeks ago the VP of our agency said "if a National holiday falls on the weekend then it's observed on Monday". I knew this wasn't true. I knew if the holiday falls on Saturday you close on Friday and if it falls on a Sunday you are closed on Monday. But I didn't argue with him because that would mean we could actually go down on Sunday and stay at our favorite hotel/resort in Branson which is just 30 minutes south of Springfield. So on Sunday we are driving to Branson, which by the way is not our favorite place, but where we are staying is. This place is amazing. You don't even feel like you are in the middle of a horrible country video. Then Monday morning we are going to head into Springfield and have dinner here, another of Laura's favorite. Not only is the food amazing, but Hemingway is one of Laura's literary hero's. And then we are off to see Kathy Griffin. It's going to be a fabulous time.

On Monday the VP of my office sent around an email saying he had made a mistake and that we would actually be closed on Friday. WTF!!!!! I do have a dentist appointment on Friday so I don't have to miss any work for that, but we are suppose to be in Springfield Monday morning. Now I have to take an extra day off because the VP is a idiot.

Sometimes I think things would run more smoothly if I just ran this agency.

Please Get Out and VOTE

I was so committed to voting today that I got up even though I was feeling 100% worse then yesterday and I VOTED. There were long lines and for some reason there was only 1 voting machine. Usually there are at least 4. I opted to vote by paper this year because I knew I couldn't wait in line for the one machine. I voted and headed home for the comfort of my own bed, a bowl of chicken noodle soup and some cold medicine.

This morning Laura woke up with a throat so sore she can barely speak. She is walking around the house cussing me out. I am blaming someone at my office because he was out sick for two days last week. Laura for some reason seems more content with blaming this on me.

Today our day will be filled with lots of hot tea, a couple cups of Theraflu and lots of daytime TV. BTW, if you are fans of The Amazing Race, be sure to watch The View. Rosie makes sure David and Mary (the coalminers) from The Amazing Race don't go home empty handed even though they were eliminated this week. It's one of the most touching shows and we sat here crying as she made all their dreams come true.

Ungrateful

In 2004 when I officially (although I had come out to them before, but they were in denial) came out to my parents I still had an "ok" relationship with my brother. Now my brother and I have never been close due to him always being a complete asshole, but since he had children our relationship had become a little closer. I love my nephews more then anything and I was willing to put aside any hard feelings I had for him to have a relationship with my nephews.

When I came out to my parents my brother was in the middle of a six week prison term for theft. When he was hauled off to prison Laura and I went down and spent the day moving his family out of their house since they no longer could afford the house they were living in since my brother was the only one working. My sister-in-law was very happy that Laura and I were able to come down and help them move out. Laura and I helping my SIL move was about 2 weeks before I came out to my parents. Laura and I had planned on taking my sister-in-law and nephews to the park and just spending some time with them. My SIL was very excited about this. Once I came out to my parents my relationship with my brother (who was still in prison) as well as my SIL became strained. My parents were supporting them completely and they knew better then to bite the hand that feeds them.

While my brother was in prison he called my house collect since my parents had a block on their phone for collect calls. Once my brother called my house I would use 3 way to call my parents house so my brother and SIL could talk. Once again I was promised that I would be paid for all the collect calls. Being in prison my brother had nothing to do and he would call several times a day. Each call was around $15. That quickly added up and before I knew it I had a $400 phone bill. Once my brother got out of prison I never saw any money. Again the joke was on me. Because I got upset my brother used my nephews as a way to get his way. I didn't budge. I have gone more then two years without seeing my nephews.

In December 2004 I bought presents for my nephews. I figured I would just leave them at my parents house for them. I was told not to bring them. I kept the gifts wrapped and stored them under our house. I thought eventually my brother would call, but he never has.

Last night I went under the house and found the sack of gifts I had bought for my nephews two years ago. I unwrapped them because I had forgotten what I had bought them. I had told myself I was going to hold on to them, but seeing them last night I decided to get rid of them for good.

The presents that were bought with so much love will now go to someone that needs them and will appreciate them more then my ungrateful family.

What are your suggestions as to what I should do with the toys???

Hit By a Truck

That is how I feel this Monday morning. Remember last week when I was saying how I was not feeling well. By the end of the week I was feeling better so I was sure I had dodged the bullet again. Then yesterday I got up and was congested. I didn't think anything about it. I mowed the lawn and that took all my energy. We sat down at noon to watch the Chiefs game and around 1:30pm I went upstairs and before I knew I was laying down on the bed. 5 minutes later I was under the covers and two hours later I realized I had fallen asleep. Laura came in at 3:45pm and asked if I was ok and she suggested I get so I would be able to sleep that night. I got up, but felt like crap. As the evening went by my throat was hurting more and more.

I woke up this morning feeling like my throat was on fire and it was about to close up on me. Since my schedule is so crazy this month I had no choice but to come to work. I am calling my clients that are scheduled for tomorrow to see if they will reschedule. Even if I can't get a hold of them and still feel like this tomorrow there is no way I am coming in.

I've been here at work for just over two hours and I think I am about to fall with my head on my desk. I ache everywhere. I just want to crawl into my bed and fall asleep. I still have my group to do today as well as another assessment. It's going to be a long day.

A Child of Love

On my post on Halloween Sassy asked me about my response to Laura and I have children. I have found lately that a lot of people have been asking if Laura and I are going to have children. I love being asked that question because I feel that people are taking my relationship with Laura seriously. In the past two weeks we have had 4 different people ask us what our intentions are in regards to having children. Here is my view on Laura and I having children.

As long as I can remember I have wanted to be a Mother. My cousin and I used to play house and we would always have lots and lots of babies. Part of playing house was always pretending like we were in church and having the babies to care for while we were in church. My cousin and I would sing the songs from the church and as it always happens the baby would start crying during the song and we would have to get up with it. That was some good times. So, from the time I was a toddler I have always wanted to be a Mother. When my ex husband and I were married we also wanted children, but we felt it was better to wait to have them until we were done with school. A year before we graduated I went off the pill. I never got pregnant and I truly believe it was a blessing in disguise. I wonder if I would have found the courage to be who I am if I had a child to raise as well.

As I was "finding" myself I still felt that being a Mother was one of the most important things I wanted to do in my life. But I struggled to see how that would happen. Some of the people I dated were not real good parenting role models, so again it was probably good that I never became pregnant. When Laura and I got together we talked about children from the beginning. We both agreed that having children was something we wanted to revisit a few years down the road.

Now it's a "few years" down the road and the topic of children has become a serious conversation in our household. We have discussed who would carry the child, how we would obtain the other half of the necessary items to produce a child and so many other things. There are many thoughts that come with seriously thinking of having a child. Would our child suffer because of their parents being gay? How much will our life change once we have a child? Can we financially afford to have a child? What legal issues will we encounter once the child is born?

So many questions and not enough answers. Laura and I have a lot of love for each other and I know for a fact that our child would be loved more then anything in this world. I know for a fact that Laura and I can raise a child in a home filled with love, respect and compassion. But is that enough? The world can be a cruel place. We currently live in the "heartland" where gay relationships are not completely accepted. We have a some friends that are gay and they have a ten year old daughter. This little girl is so loved and is so educated on what the world is really like. Part of me thinks it's hard on a child so young to be so aware at how mean the world can be. At ten years old she is so mature and seems so happy with her little family.

Laura and I deserve the right to have a child if that's what we decide. But our child also deserves to be treated with respect and dignity no matter who makes up his/her family. At this time the world does not believe our child has the same rights as a child born and raised in a heterosexual relationship. It all seems unfair to me. But I also promise myself that just because some people in the world do not support my family, it's not going to stop me from doing what I feel so strongly about.

I also need to remind myself that there are still good people in the world. There are people that love me and Laura and would love our child completely. Laura and I would have full support from our family and would accept our child into the family just as they have our newest nephew. Not everyone is bad in the world and I refuse to live my life by fear.

I live my life with love as my guiding force. I want to be able to teach my child this same important lesson.

Love is all you need.

Pain Free So Far

Today has been relatively pain free. I woke up around 5am and was having some soreness. I took some Ibuprofen and within an hour was back asleep. I had planned ahead and took today off because the last two root canals had caused a lot more pain the few days afterwards. I think part of the reason that I felt less pain this time was because I was completely relaxed during the entire procedure. When my jaw muscles tighten up I think it caused more pain. It was nice today just having a little bit of soreness, but nothing major.

We opted for a lunch of comfort food today. (have you noticed a trend lately with the comfort food..must be the cooler weather) So off to Cracker Barrel we went. It had been forever since we had been there and they did not disappoint us. It was so good.

Then it was back home to watch Dr.Phil and Oprah. It was a wonderful, relaxing day. Today I was somehow wishing that we were independently wealthy so we could spend all our days together. That is one thing that I love about me and Laura. The more time we spend together the better. I love our vacations because we are together 24/7. I have been in some relationships where I did love the person, but I always really loved the time I spent alone. Laura is a wonderful companion and partner.

Last night I did something that completely surprised me. I went to a local website that has nonprofit jobs that are available. Even though I am extremely happy with my current job there is no guarantee of my job after June 2007. I am currently working under a grant and the grant expires in June and my company is still working on finding further funding. It's not looking good. So I found a job that I would LOVE to have and I got my resume together and emailed it off. I think I have a very good chance in getting at least an interview. I was trained by this particular company in a form of case management before I got my Masters degree and I believe in their program 100%. Plus, this job is a lot more money, which is always good. Keep your fingers crossed that they will call me.

For the first time in weeks, we have a quiet weekend planned. I have finished the laundry already and the only thing we have to do is go to the grocery store. With the weather in the 60's it would be a great weekend to take Sophie-dog to the dog park. She loves going, but is still learning at socializing with other dogs.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Caroline-0 Root Canal -3

I was pleasantly surprised today when I had NO pain during my root canal. The dentist remembered me from a month ago and I reminded her that she had to put two shots directly into the nerve. She remembered. I am pretty sure she "upped" the laughing gas because within seconds I was in a different world. It felt so freakin good. After multiple shots she started working and there was nothing. I was able to release my grip on the dental chair and fade into my own world. I did have a couple thoughts while they were doing the root canal: 1) I am so glad I don't think out loud. Some of the thoughts I had were too funny 2) I kept thinking of Zingers (Kind of like a Hostess Ho-Ho) 3) I thought "I really need to thank the dentist for making sure I was completely numb". Here are some pictures of me once I got home. Laura keeps laughing at me because my entire right side is numb and it looks like I have bells palsy. I don't find her laughing very humorous.
Here I am "trying" to smile

A close up of my very sad looking smile.

I have a date with a Vicodin pain pill and a package of Zingers and within an hour I should be back into my own world. Oh, and thank you all for all your well wishes today. Believe it or not while I was sitting in the chair I was thinking of all my blogger friends and how so nice all of you are.

Round 3

Round 3 starts today at 3:00pm CST. Yes, this is my third root canal in just 3 months. I am afraid that dentist is thinking I have done Meth or some other destructive drug to cause such havoc on my teeth. Nope, just too much junk food and soda pop. I am praying hard that they will be able to numb my mouth completely this time and I will not hear the drill and then the dreaded pain when you are not completely numb. Last month they ended up giving me 2 shots directly into the nerve to numb the tooth completely. I think I am going to beg them to just do that. I can deal with that pain for just one second rather then thinking that eventually I will feel the drill on my nerve. I am also really looking forward to the laughing gas. I think that is my favorite part. When I am breathing in the laughing gas I feel, well, just wonderful. I don't have any cares in the world and I couldn't give a rats ass that they are drilling into what seems like my brain. I am afraid if it was available to me I would quickly become addicted to that. It just feels so darn good. So by 5pm this evening I will yet again be on my liquid diet. I am having chili for dinner and then for probably the next two days very soft foods. The tooth itself doesn't hurt that bad afterwards, it's where they give me the shots and then the fact that my mouth is wide open for 2 hours.

Last night we watched An American Haunting. It was actually very good. A little scary, but once I got used to the fact that things would be flying in from nowhere I was ok. I knew I was going to have bad (or at least weird) dreams from watching it. The one dream I do remember from last night was more a nightmare then a bad dream. I was at the casino and they were not letting me in because I was gay. I demanded to be let in and they refused. I told them I didn't understand how two straight people can get married after just knowing each other for 55 hours (I think I got this from Britney Spears being married to that one guy for just 55 hours) , but I am in a committed relationship for 2 1/2 years and and I can't gamble.They ended up searching me and I felt completely violated. And they still didn't' let me in. It was horrible. I got no sympathy from Laura this morning. She was laughing too hard to be comforting.

3 weeks from today is our big announcement. Normally I can't keep my mouth shut this long, but Laura has made me swear not to say anything. The excitement is almost overwhelming for me. Maybe a little laughing gas will calm my ass down.

Regrets

I live my life with no regrets. I am not sure where I learned to do that, but I adopted this way of life because I was tired of going through life with all the "could've's and should've's" I was having in my life. The first thirty years of my life were spent wishing I had done this or done that. It was absolutely exhausting. I finally decided at 30 that I had to live my for me and no one else.

Today as I was going through my daily blogs I came to Sandra's blog. As I was reading her post about a Jehovah's Witness coming to her door I suddenly had one of those "regret" moments. In her blog she was talking about the tract that was left at her door. I was not surprised with what was on the tract. In fact, that exact tract I gave out many many times. Of course the Jehovah's Witnesses were talking about how they are "the only true religion" and that if you belong to another religion then you do not have the grace of God. They feel that unless you are in with the crowd of Jehovah's Witnesses(that crowd is just 6 million BTW) then you are living a "ungodly" life. They teach all people that Jehovah's Witnesses do have the secret path to God and no one else does.

So this morning as I was reading Sandra's post I suddenly thought of all the times I went door to door in hopes of "saving" just one person. From the moment I was born I was submerged into this religion. Everything I did was for the Jehovah's Witnesses. I was taught that Jehovah saw everything I did and that I was to be in fear of doing anything that bring "reproach" upon His name. I lived my life as a scared little girl. I remember when I was about seven and I stole a piece of candy from one of the bins at the grocery store. I was not afraid of what my parents were going to do to me, but I was afraid of what Jehovah was going to do to me. I think I believed for a long time the sexual abuse I suffered when I was just nine years old was due to me being bad. I really felt that Jehovah was punishing me. How could I not think that? That is what I had been taught my short 9 years on this earth. I felt deep down inside that Jehovah was punishing me because He did not love me. I was sure I had done something wrong and this was His was of showing me how wrong I was. It took lots of years of therapy for me to realize that was not that case and it was just a horrible thing that happened to me, and it wasn't because God didn't love me.

I do regret not being strong enough when I finally was able to speak up for myself. When I was twenty I was still going door to door in hopes of not only saving someone else, but saving myself. I thought the only way I could get on Jehovah's good side was to bring someone else into this religion. I soon realized that the only person that could save myself was ME.

I have a list a mile long of all the regrets I have during my horribly unhappy life as a Jehovah's Witness. I regret that I felt better then others as I was going door to door, I regret that I looked down on others that had been "disfellowshipped", and I regret that I allowed this religion to take over 12 years of my life once I legally became an adult. I do admit that before I was 18 I had no control over how I was going to live my life religiously. My Mother had complete control over my religious upbringing. My Father, who is not a Jehovah's Witness, decided to allow my Mother to raise the children a Jehovah's Witness. (I think my Father is now having his own regrets, but I will leave that for another post)

I openly apologize to all the people that I hurt not only emotionally, but spiritually while I was a Jehovah's Witness. There are times I remember sitting and talking with a friends that were Jehovah's Witnesses and they were struggling with what to do and I convinced them to remain because I really felt that was the only way to be happy. I often wonder what happened to all those people I talked to and I just hope they have found happiness in their life and more importantly I hope it is outside the religion of Jehovah's Witnesses.