Adjusting

I decided a couple days ago that it would probably be a good idea to go and talk to someone about things. The last couple of weeks I seem to be super stressed and feeling very anxious about every single thing. The first thing this new therapist suggested was that my medication may need to be adjusted. I hadn't even thought that maybe the Celexsa had leveled out, but it seemed to make perfect sense. I have an appointment next week with my Dr. to get a new RX and possibly something for anxiety. I don't have anxiety everyday, but I do have moments where things seem to be completely overwhelming.

She also suggested that I start writing about my feelings towards my family and Laura. I didn't tell her that I have a blog, but I do agree that I need to keep a private journal where I don't have to censor myself. Maybe I will start a second blog where I am completely anonymous.

Here's the thing......I have fallen in love with this amazing woman and I will lose her if I don't work through some of these issues. It's kind of like my drain has gotten clogged with issues regarding my parents and Laura and I am not able to move forward. I can't let Susan in until I get rid of this crap. I already know that all the work will be worth it.

Here's something to make you guys smile. Guess who was happy to see me when I got home from work tonight:
Hope everyone has a great Halloween.

Just like Sophie

Last night as I watched Sophie sleep I decided I wanted to be just like her. She loves me with no conditions and is always excited to see me. In the 10+ years that I have had Sophie I don't think she has had one bad day. The first thing she does when she wakes up is stretch and then she starts wagging her tail. There are many times when her tail is wagging before she stretches; which to me is saying she is happy and content.

She doesn't worry about things that she has no control over. She lives for each moment and is not thinking of how certain moments remind her of either good times or bad times in the past. She lives completely in the moment.

When we are walking and I decide to take us in a different direction she does not argue with me and say how disappointed she is that we are not going where she wants. All she does is change where she is walking and finds something she likes along that new path.

Sophie has trusted me from day one. When I found her when she was just 3 months old she trusted me and everyday from that moment she has trusted me. She doesn't have to think about trusting me, she just does.

Two days ago I finally acknowledged that I have trust issues. I think I have known all along that I do have trouble trusting people, but now that I am in a relationship with Susan I realize what I can lose if I don't work on these trust issues. And I don't want to lose her.

Even just a few months ago I think I would have spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I don't trust others, but since I have done that in the past and it has not worked, the best thing for me to do is just move forward.

About a week ago I was told that I am more open on my blog then I am in person with my friends. I had never really thought about that, but I think that is true. The friend that told me this said she learns more about me through my blog then in person. So, something that I am working on that involves trust is opening up more to my friends in person rather then using my blog as an outlet for all my emotions. This doesn't mean I won't be writing on my blog, it just means I will be talking more to my friends and Susan about my feelings.

So I am going to start living my life more like Sophie. I am going to just live in the moment and not spend time over analyzing the past. I am going to wake up in the morning excited that it's a new day and excited for all the new things I get to learn that day. And most importantly I am going to start trusting those that love me.

Random Photos

Here are some random pictures from the last couple of days:
I decided this year to put up some decorations at work. Actually, it was Susan who suggested it when we were shopping a couple weeks ago. It may be hard to believe, but Susan loves the holidays even more then me.


This is one of the posters up at work the shows what happens when you smoke:
This poster really helps me not want to smoke.


One of my neighbors cut a hole in their blinds so their cat could see out:
I thought this was pretty funny. Notice the tail sticking out at the end.


I love my walks with Sophie in the evening. The fall colors are so pretty right now.


Here is a random picture I took of myself:



I am working on a post that relates to trust. I know what I want to say....now I just need to have the courage to put it out there.

Trust

"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them"

Ernest Hemingway

Weekend

It's been a good weekend. For the first time since we started seeing each other, Susan and I did not get together this weekend. I really missed her this weekend and am already counting down the days until next weekend. I really hope this week goes fast.

I look lots of naps this weekend and watched some shows I had on my DVR. I rented a movie, but never watched it. I spent most of today cleaning my apartment and doing laundry. I had planned on taking some pictures of the lovely fall weather we are experiencing, but it was too windy.

When my lease is up in March I am considering moving a little closer to Susan. I went and looked at an apartment yesterday, but wasn't able to actually look at the inside of the apartment. It's a really nice area and I would feel like I was living in the country. They told me to call back in a month and maybe they would have an apartment I could look at. If I like it I pray that they will have one in March so I don't have to sign another lease. But I am not going to worry about it because it will all work out somehow.

Tell me how your weekend was.....

Perfect Moment

***Warning: This post may be TMI***

So let's review this past week.

Monday: I start having digestive problems.

Wednesday: Still having major digestive problems and start running a fever.

Thursday: Stay home from work because I have no energy, a fever and still having stomach problems.

Friday: Start to feel better, but notice another problem. By the evening I realize I have a yeast infection.

Today: I get my period.

Seriously, does my body hate me? This entire week makes sense to me now. Now I know why I was emotional and having no energy.

As long as I have been getting my period, you would think I would recognize the symptoms. The good news is I made it through this past week without smoking. I had a dream last night where I was so proud that I made it 23 days without smoking. I am pretty proud of myself.

This morning I got up early so I could go into work for a couple of hours. It was still dark when I walked Sophie and the moon was absolutely beautiful. As I was looking at the moon my phone beeped letting me know that I had a new TXT message. It was from Susan.

"We are perfect 4 each other. I'm so thankful that ur mine."

It was the perfect moment.

Countdown

I really think my body is punishing me for smoking for all those years. I woke up this morning with a yeast infection. The only time I have ever gotten a yeast infection is when I have taken antibiotics; which I have not taken in a while. What a lovely weekend this is going to be. I guess it's good that Susan and I are not going to see each other. She is pretty tired from her first week in her new position. With my pleasant surprise this morning, I guess a weekend by myself would be best.

I found this MeMe on another blog and liked it. Let me know if you do this MeMe on your blog. Enjoy!

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People Right Now
1. You are the best of the best.
2. I wish you had not moved away.
3. Thank you for having faith in me.
4. I never liked kissing you.
5. You're still my best friend.
6. You really are an asshole.
7. You have a wonderful daughter.
8. Why can't you leave me alone?
9. I am proud of you.
10. Please, just do your job.

Nine Things About Myself
1. My favorite number is 11.
2. I have not been on vacation in more then 2 years.
3. I wish I was left handed.
4. It has been more then 2 months since I purchased any songs from iTunes.
5. I am so happy that I don't have a yard to take care of.
6. I wish I had an iMac.
7. I remember all my dreams
8. I don't know if I will ever have children.
9. I miss having a church family.

Eight Ways to Win My Heart
1. Kindness
2. Softness
3. Good Kisser
4. Loves my babies
5. Being romantic
6. Enjoys Little House on the Prairie reruns
7. Likes to travel
8. Likes to hold hands

Seven Things That Cross My Mind a Lot
1. How are my nephews
2. I really need some new clothes
3. I need to lose about 50 pounds
4. Do my nephews think of me or even remember me?
5. I love Susan
6. Will we get a lot of snow this year?
7. I should blog about this

Six Things I Do Before I Fall Asleep
1. Shave legs
2. Walk Sophie
3. Brush teeth
4. Read email
5. Get my lunch ready
6. Make sure front door is locked

Five People Who Mean a Lot (in no particular order!)
1. Lynilu
2. My nephews
3. Susan
4. MJ (she did convince me to quit smoking and is my personal cheerleader)
5. My co-worker L.

Four Things I'm Wearing Right Now
1. T-shirt
2. Sweat Pants
3. Socks (it's actually kind of chilly)
4. Undies

Three Songs I Listen to a Lot
1. Let's Make a Memory~Bon Jovi
2. Calling You~Blue October
3. Secret Garden~Bruce Springsteen

Two Things I Want to Do Before I Die
1. Move to the country
2. Have either a wedding or commitment ceremony

One Confession
1. I don't know if I will ever get over what my family has done.

21 Days

Today marks 3 weeks that I have not smoked. It really has been the longest 3 weeks of my life. I have been sick and emotional but I think I am slowly getting better.

The first time I quit it was not that hard. Yes I had my moments where I would lose it, but overall it was pretty easy. I think that is why it was so easy for me to go back to smoking. I thought it was no big deal and that I would just quit again. No problem. Well.....this time has been pure hell. Physically I have felt horrible for the last 2 weeks. Yes I am breathing better and sleeping better, but I really feel like I have had the flu. I ended up staying home today because I didn't have enough energy to get out of bed. I slept for most of the day and still feel tired. Maybe I am getting too much sleep?

Emotionally I have been on a roller coaster the last 3 weeks. I have doubted myself and most of those in my life. Two days after I quit I spent the weekend with Susan, which turned out to not be a good idea. Apparently I was pretty moody and not a lot of fun to be around. I am thankful that she saw that it was not the normal Caroline and has hung in there.

I have had the weirdest dreams, most of which include me smoking. I never had smoking dreams before, so it was a surprise that I have them this time. It is nice that when I wake up and realize that I smoked in my dream I don't want to rush and get a pack of smokes.

I don't do this that much, but I want to give myself a pat on the back for going 3 weeks without smoking. I decided that when I reach a year of being smoke free I am going to have a big party in celebration. Seriously, getting my masters degree was not this hard.

Blah

more animals
I love this picture.

Yesterday I wasn't feeling well and this morning I woke up still feeling kind of sick, but I went into work anyway. Around 2:30 I asked one of my co-workers if the heat was on because I was so hot. He said that it wasn't hot and I realized that I probably had a fever. I went and took my temp and it was 100.4. So I decided to come home and try to get some rest.

It seems that I have had a bug that is just kind of hanging on. The last month or so I have felt just kind of blah and have had literally no energy. I am wondering if I am a little depressed as well. It doesn't make sense if I am because things are going really well in my life and I have a wonderful girlfriend that is crazy about me.

I really hope I start feeling better soon.

Arrowhead

Today my work had a training and it was at Arrowhead Stadium where the Chiefs play. Normally just going to Arrowhead would be so exciting, but the Chiefs are playing so bad this year. Plus there are a few players that are being asses and finding themselves in trouble with the law. I personally think the Chiefs should forfeit rest of the games and just start over next year.

I don't remember going to a conference where I had this great view:



And I really don't remember when I went to a training where the food was so good. Here is the morning snack we had:
The cookies were served with milk and it all seemed just perfect.

On the way home I passed this car:
Notice the cat in the back window. That is something that Brady would have done since he loved riding in cars. I can't believe it's been almost a year since he has been gone. :(

I don't know if I am coming down with something or if it's a combination of allergies and quitting smoking, but I have not felt good all day. My stomach has been upset and last night I was so nauseous that I thought I might throw up. Wait, allergies don't make you sick to your stomach, so either I am coming down with something or I am pregnant. It would be nice if Susan had "accidentally" got me pregnant. One of my friends is about 20 weeks pregnant and she just found out yesterday that she is having a girl. I am so happy for her and her husband, but I am still slightly jealous.

Steady

This has been a very interesting weekend. Some very good things happened and then I had some pretty stressful moments. As she always is, Susan is wonderful. The closer we get the more I realize that I still have some work to do on myself. Laura was my first serious girlfriend and I think of how when we first stated dating I had none of the baggage I currently have. It's a shame that I gave up so much of who I was for someone that would never appreciate me. But I am lucky because I have found this amazing woman that loves me despite all my baggage.

When I got home I had an email from Susan saying that by taking things slow and steady we are building a stronger foundation for our future together. I like how she used the word "steady". I have such a smart and wise girlfriend.

I would also like to say a special thank you to MJ who talked me out of stopping and buying a pack of cigarettes on the way home. Calling MJ today was a huge step for me because it's really hard for me to say I need some help. I am going to share a story in the next couple of days about how I have always had a hard time asking for help. I am lucky to have you as a friend MJ.

I had planned on sharing the winner of my little contest today, but I have had a hard time making a decision. I wish I could give to each charity, but since I can't I will need a few more days to think about which one I will chose. I promise I have not forgotten.

Here are some pictures from the weekend:

Our next President was in town yesterday and I got caught in traffic while going to see Susan. I never saw Obama, but just the thought that I was stuck in traffic because he was in town was very exciting.



Someone is used to car rides now:
As long as she has her sleeping bag next to her she is fine in the car.


Look what is back:
Can I tell you how happy this makes my heart. (and yes Susan thought I was a little weird for taking this picture.)

Writers Block

I don't watch Grey's Anatomy, but last night I caught the last 10 minutes and it's safe to say that I will probably be watching the show from now on. If you watch Grey's Anatomy then you know why I am suddenly interested in the show.

I have been feeling kind of off center the last couple of days. I have been extremely tired and feel like most of the time I am in a daze. I know it is my body getting used to not having nicotine every 30 minutes. I started getting cravings on Tuesday and they seem to just be getting worse. I am just taking it one day at a time and so far that seems to be working.

I am going to see my girl tomorrow and will be with her until Sunday. It's going to be a great weekend and my life will be perfect for the 30 hours we are able to spend together.

Lately I have felt like I have writers block. I have struggled coming up with things to write about and I think it is showing. I average about 140 hits a day, but my comments have been around 3-4. For so long I know my life was like watching a train wreck, so maybe since my life has settled down that is the reason my comments have gone down as well. Just like any blogger I love comments, so let me know you are out there and maybe I will get over this writers block.

Must Love Dogs

I have always said that my pets and I are a packaged deal. If you want to love me, then you must also love my babies. I really think it says a lot about someones character by the way they treat animals.

From the very beginning I have known that Susan is crazy about Sophie and the cats. Sometimes I will get a TXT message where Susan is only wondering how Ben is doing. Susan has a special connection to Ben that is pretty cool. Ben is very shy and he has to know you before he will even let you see him. My parents always thought I was making up Ben because they never once saw him. The first time that Susan came to stay the weekend Ben warmed up to her immediately. I have never seen him warm up to someone so soon. That first night Ben slept right next to Susan on her side. I think he knows she will be around for a while.

So I have always known that Susan loves my babies, but I was reminded again today that she really loves them. Not only did my Halloween card come today, but so did one for each of the kids.

If she is doing this to win my heart.....

it's working.
<3

Fall is Here

Last night when I was walking Sophie I noticed that the interior light was on in my upstairs neighbors car. This is the neighbor that reported me to management when I first moved in because he said Sophie was barking too much. Well, for the last 3 months this neighbor has been really nice to me and even apologized for reporting me to the manager since Sophie does not bark a lot. This is also the neighbor that has reported to me that he is bipolar. Every time I see this neighbor now we end up talking for at least 20 minutes. He has told me that he doesn't have any friends and always seems very lonely. I have only seen his parents come to his apartment in the 7 months I have lived there.

I knew that by knocking on his door he would probably end up talking for a while. But I know I would want someone to tell me if my interior light was on in my car. We did talk for about 30 minutes and in that entire time he made absolutely no sense. He was talking about a Genie that was in his house telling him what to do. He then looked at me and said, "You do realize who the Genie is, don't you?" I told him I didn't and he said it was the devil. What do you say in response to that? I told him that it probably wasn't the devil, but his meds were probably not working right. As I was walking back to my apartment he said something to me that really made me sad for him. He told me that he lives to dream because in his dreams he is normal. Hearing him say that made me sad for him.

I really hope he will be OK.

Today has been rainy and dark and cold...my favorite kind of weather. I do have one complaint though: I am so tired of waking up at 7am and it still being dark outside. I look forward to when we change the clocks because it is so hard getting up in the morning when it's still dark outside, but we have to wait until November because of Bush. How many days until he is out of office????

Only Tuesday

Do you realize how hard it is when Susan puts videos like this on her Youtube Favorites and it's only Tuesday?

Past

Last night Susan and I were talking and my relationship with Laura came up. It's funny because this is the first relationship I have had since the break up when the person has not asked me a million and one questions about Laura. From the very beginning Susan has said that what is in the past should stay in the past. When we first started seeing each other I thought that since she didn't want to know everything about my past relationships that maybe she wasn't that interested in me. I quickly found that it was the complete opposite. Not only did she really like me, but she really didn't need to know every detail about my past relationships to love and accept me.

Anyway, so we were talking and I said something about it not being a very healthy relationship. I think she was a little surprised because I have never said anything bad about Laura. I have worked hard to get to the point where I am OK with what Laura did and am able to move past it. I have found that it is so much easier to forgive then to hold onto whatever anger you might have for that person. And yes, in the very beginning I was very angry with Laura.

When I go back and read the posts from when Laura and I were together I know I left out a lot of what was actually going on. Laura was/is a very controlling person. From the minute we got together she had to be the one in control. Any time I would say something that she wouldn't necessarily agree with she would give me this look or glare. You know when you are a child and your parent gives you that look and you are like, "oh shit.."? When she would do that I would feel stupid or like my opinion didn't matter. She loved to give me that look when we were around other people. Towards the end I got enough courage to say "what" when she would give me that look. The look on her face was priceless, but I always knew there would be a fight when we would get home.

She made it clear from the beginning that she did not like my home or the way I decorated it. I was on a tight budge, so it wasn't like I had a lot of money to spend on the best and newest furniture, ect. About 3 months after we started dating, I came home from work to find that she had ripped the carpet out of the basement. I couldn't believe it. I was in complete shock. But I didn't say anything. From the minute she moved in everything about the house had to be changed to what she liked. And if I said, "No, I like it this way and want to leave it" she would say "Well, you're not ready to move on from your past are you?". When I think back to how she didn't like my house (it was actually a really nice house and meant a lot to me since it was my Grandmothers), I laugh because when Laura and I met she didn't have a place of her own and was living with her parents.

I lived in fear. Laura never got physical with me, but I was always afraid that I would do or say something that would make her leave. She didn't like me having friends and made it very clear. I know I was not a very good friend while Laura and I were together. I know she probably loved the fact that she didn't have to share me with my family. I wonder if Laura and I would have lasted as long as we did if my family was involved. I imagine not.

Instead of embracing the things that I liked she would often make fun of me or say something to negative about my likes. Four months before we broke up we went on a road trip and I made a CD for it. As I was burning the CD I told her a song I wanted on there and she said, "That is not a road trip song." She then said that if I put the song on the CD then we would not be listening to it.

Laura was my first long term relationship with a woman and it sucks that it was so unhealthy. Now that I am in a healthy relationship I am finding that I have a lot to work on. I am so thankful that I have found someone that is patient with me and doesn't get upset when I do something that normally wouldn't be done in a healthy relationship.

After Susan and I talked last night and I shared more about my relationship with Laura I think she can see the big picture now. Yes, she has to be a little bit more patient with me, but she has said on several occasions that I am more then worth it.

Ben

I really don't have that much today. I have struggled a little bit today with really wanting a cigarette. When I was coming back from lunch I really wanted one. Then I was talking with a co-worker about when she and her partner smoked and my craving got worse the more she talked about it. I had to change the subject. But I am determined not to smoke ever again. I feel so good about the fact that I have gone 11 days without smoking and I am not going to give up this time.

Since I really don't have that much today, here is a video I took of Ben sometime over the summer. I found it over the weekend and thought it was really cute. I was watching a video with a cat that was meowing and he was really getting into the video. My babies are so darn cute.

Weekend

I have had the best weekend.

Yesterday when Susan and I were together, we had a long talk about our hopes for our relationship and future together. One thing we decided is that we want to live closer to each other. My apartment complex requires 60 days notice if you are going to leave and since my lease is up March 1, I need to make a decision by January 1. Both Susan and I agree that we will not be ready to move in with each other by March, so most likely I would find an apartment half way between my work and her house. Moving that far north will mean I will have about a 45 minute commute to and from work, but being able to see my girl during the week will make it all worth it. It feels so good to be taking things slow. Everything seems right this time; like it was always meant to be. She is everything I ever hoped for.

Today I went with MJ to a Craft Fair south of KC. I have been called the "knick knack" queen in the past, so I was in heaven today. There were so many things I could have bought, but I had to remember how small my apartment is. I did find this amazing Dragonfly painting that would look beautiful in my apartment. Today it was half price, but it was still $300. Before we left I went and got the artists business card just in case I find an extra $600. They had the best caramel apples at this fair. The caramel was warm and it just melted in my mouth. I also found some Candied Jalapenos that are delicious. I bought two bottles and have already made some dip. Yum.

I was telling MJ today that because of her I have experienced so many new things in the last year. You might be shocked to hear this, but I have never been to a county or state fair. After visiting the Craft Fair today, I am going to have to make sure I make it to a couple fairs next year.

After this weekend I realized I have so much to be thankful for. I have great friends and a wonderful woman to share my life with. Life is good.

My Forever

Today has been a perfect day.

Susan and I met up this afternoon to celebrate 2 months of seeing each other. We ended up going for a drive in the country which was absolutely perfect. We stopped and visited with one of her friends who has an amazing yard/garden. Her friend moved into her house 4 years ago and it took 17 trips to transport her entire garden. Yes, when she moved she moved her entire garden to the new house. The garden was amazing and so calming.

After visiting with her friend for a while, Susan took me to this cemetery in the middle of nowhere. We are both very interested in cemetery's and this one had so much history. I will have to do an entire post about the cemetery.

This weekend I met some of Susan's friends. Next weekend I will meet her Mom. This is a huge step because Susan doesn't introduce just anyone to her family. I think I have found my forever.

Click here to see more pictures from our perfect day.

Lucky Charm

How silly is Sophie? Take a look:
The other night I was watching TV and she kept trying to get at Ben who was sleeping under the couch. She kept this up for about 10 minutes and it was actually really funny. I love how Sophie and the cats play and tease each other.

Susan loves my babies and that makes me very happy. There is one issue though. She keeps referring to Bonk as "he". I asked her why she kept referring to Bonk as "he" and she said that the name Bonk was too boyish. I told her that when Bonk first came to live with my family she was named Samantha, but my parents changed it to Bonkers because she was always a little odd. She now refers to Bonk as Samantha and I kind of like that better then Bonk. Bonk can't hear anything, so I really don't think it matters. She does look like a Samantha doesn't she?

There is a pretty good chance that I will get to spend a few hours with Susan tomorrow. It's been a rough week for us as a couple. This quitting smoking has caused a lot of stress between us, but each day I am feeling better and more like myself. Today makes 8 days smoke free. Yay. I feel so good about quitting this time and have had very few cravings all day. Tomorrow also marks 2 months of Susan and I dating. Don't you love the beginning of a relationship when you celebrate being together every month?

Here's something else to make you really jealous of me. Today I spent about $30 on scratch off tickets and came home with $192. I started winning all this money when I met Susan, so I told her tonight that she is my lucky charm.

My Friends

Look at how wonderful my friends are:
MJ made me some homemade Apple Crisp. I think Apple Crisp is my favorite desert. My love for Apple Crisp started while I was at camp in Minnesota and every time I have Apple Crisp now I always think of all the great times I had at camp. Life was so simple back then.

Last night I had a dream that I was smoking. Actually, Susan was smoking (she doesn't smokes) and I grabbed her cigarette and took a couple puffs. I immediately said, "I can't believe I just gave up 7 days of not smoking". I read somewhere that if you quit smoking and you dream about smoking then you are more likely to succeed. I didn't have any dream of smoking when I quit last spring, so maybe the dreams mean I am finally ready to quit for good.

Last night Ben woke me up by throwing up on the pillows. Yea, not a great way to wake up. But I can't be mad at him...he is way to cute.


As I was typing this post the news was on, but I wasn't really paying attention. That is, until I heard the words "snow and sleet". I immediately looked up and realized the weatherman was talking about the weather in Montana. What a cruel joke for those of us that love snow.

I feel a little better after writing my last post. When Susan first read my blog she was like, "Wow you are really open on your blog." Talking about things in a very honest and direct way helps me not be ashamed of who I am. I am thankful that I have so many people that are wanting to follow me on this journey.

Sweet Video

Things are really tough for a lot of us out there. Here is a video that I saw on another blog that is sure to make you smile.

One last thing...can you say a couple extra prayers for Susan. Part of the reason she had to cancel our plans tonight is because she has a really bad toothache. I hate being 2 hours away from her when she is not feeling well.

Breathe in.....Breathe out.

Susan had to cancel our plans tonight. :( I was really looking forward to spending the evening with her and because of work schedules, we probably won't see each other for at least another week. Long distance relationships are so hard.

I have been working on this post for an hour now. I want to write that things are OK, but I have really struggled today and cried a lot.

One thing I know for sure.....I have some pretty awesome friends. Look what MJ gave me a couple weeks ago:

I kept meaning to do a post showing this great gift, but this whole quitting smoking has really thrown off my balance.

Tomorrow will mark one week as a non-smoker. I am going to be honest: this past week has been H-E-L-L. I really don't crave a cigarette anymore, but I am learning how to handle stress without automatically going for a smoke. I feel like I am learning to walk again.

Breathe in.....breathe out.

Reward

The last 5 days have been so hard. For some reason I was thinking that it was so much easier when I quit in April, but when I went and read my blog posts from that time I see that it was also hard back then. I talked about being emotional, crying and angry; all of which I have experienced at some time in the last 24 hours. I truly understand what it's like to be bipolar after these last 5 days. One minute I am fine and literally the next minute I am crying. It's all very tiring and exhausting and I am now in bed by 10:30 and asleep shortly there after.

I am really aware of how my quitting smoking has affected my relationship with others. Susan and I experienced some pretty stressful moments in the last few days and I know it is mainly because I quit smoking. I have had a short fuse, been depressed and just not been a lot of fun to be around. I think it's hard for someone who has never smoked to really understand how hard this is, but Susan is doing an excellent job at being understanding and supportive. Her calmness and constant positive attitude has helped me in more ways then she will ever realize.

They say that you need to reward yourself when you quit smoking. Well, tomorrow I am rewarding myself by taking off work a couple hours early and going to spend the evening with my girl. I love this whole reward thing. :)

Letter to Sophie

Dear Sophie,

I know the last 5 days have been really rough and I have not been in the best mood. I am sorry that my fuse has been so short lately and that I have been getting angry with you for simply doing things that dogs do. I promise that this is only temporary and soon things will be good again.
Please forgive me sweet pea.

I love you,
Mom

Not so Dark

My mood is slowly improving. Yesterday was a terrible, horrible, I just want to forget about it kind of day.

Saturday when I meet up with Susan I didn't realize I was being moody until I saw her. Our visit got off to a rough start and I was feeling really anxious. I was nervous that she was going to go running in the other direction because I was being a bit "sensitive" and moody. Instead she did exactly what I needed...she didn't say anything and then took my hand and said, "I am so proud of you." After a Rum and Coke I was a lot calmer and the drink kind of took the edge off my anxiety. I am not a big drinker, but that one drink (and the two after that) really calmed me down and at one point Susan looked at me and I knew she was happy to see the happy Caroline again.

Sunday I was home by 10am because Susan had some things she needed to take care of. When I got home I walked in and my apartment smelled like smoke so I decided to do a major cleaning. After I finished cleaning I went to KFC because I was really wanting some comfort food. Once I finished lunch I laid down and just started crying. I ended up laying in bed crying for more then 2 hours. It was as if I couldn't stop crying. I even debated about not coming to work today because I wasn't sure I could pull myself together by the morning.

After a couple hours I decided to call Susan because I really needed to hear her voice. Her voice calmed me down and she just let me talk and cry; which is exactly what I needed her to do. Isn't it amazing how she always seems to do the right thing at the right moment. I am so in love with her.

Today I am doing much better. I don't feel like I am going to cry every moment and I feel more confident about not smoking ever again. I think my crying yesterday was good for me and I was able to let go of a lot of things I was holding onto for long time. (I will explain more in a future post) I noticed today at lunch that I am even laughing and making jokes again. One of my co-workers has a sign in her office that says, "What if this isn't PMS and this is actually my personality." Yesterday I was beginning to wonder if the sadness, anxiety and anger was actually my personality and the cigarettes were just masking this part of me. But today I feel a little bit more human and more like myself and the world doesn't seem so dark.

I hope I remember the last two days when I think I might want or need a cigarette.

Keeping Myself Busy

I went outside today and took some pictures to try to keep myself busy.

It was so nice going outside and actually being able to smell the fresh air.

Ironic

I find it kind of ironic that I got coupons from Marlboro yesterday. Oh the temptation.

This has been a really hard weekend. I have had a lot of moments where I am so thankful that I quit smoking, but I have also had moments where I would give $100 for one cigarette. Susan is thrilled that I have quit smoking. She was a little hesitant when I told her that I did it cold turkey because she knows how hard it can be. She told me it takes a lot of willpower to quit smoking the way I did. And yes, my kisses are much better when I don't smell like an ashtray.

This time around I seem to be so much more emotional. I literally cry at the drop of a hat and I am feeling very insecure about a lot of things. I keep telling myself that this is only temporary, but at times it seems like it will never end.

Breathe in....Breathe out.

Day 2

I forgot how hard day 2 is when you quit smoking.

My emotions are all over the place. Last night when I was walking Sophie I just started crying. I wonder if this is what it's like when you are pregnant?

I am trying really hard not to eat more then normal because I don't want to gain any weight. But I still find myself snacking. I woke up last night at 4:30am and normally I would have a cigarette. Last night I had two pieces of pepperoni instead.

I have a horrible cough this time. I can feel the crud coming up out of my lungs. It is not fun or pleasant.

Thank you for all your encouraging words. They really do help and I often think of this quitting smoking as a race and all of you standing on the sidelines cheering me on. I really do have the best blogger friends and I am thankful for each of you.

At 2:30pm I will be with my sweetheart again. I am sure I will forget all about those damn cigarettes when I am in her arms again.

Happy (smoke free) Weekend

Good news: I have made it 24+ hours and not smoked. Even better news: I survived the last 24+ hours without having a meltdown or being overly angry.

I am kind of surprised at how easy these first few hours have been. When I quit in April I remember it being this easy, but when I tried again in July the first few days were pure hell. So the fact the first 24 hours seems similar to when I quit for almost 3 months is very good.

This time quitting was so different then any other time. Usually I pick a time (or when I run out of cigarettes) and it kind of gets dragged out. This time I decided over lunch to quit and within 45 minutes I was officially done. I threw away almost 2 full packs of cigarettes and all my lighters and ashtrays. For some reason I held onto my ashtrays and lighters the last few times. This time I really feel ready.

This is what I have been promised from some of my friends for quitting smoking:

1) If I go 6 months smoke free I will get lunch at my favorite BBQ place, Famous Dave's.

2) One co-worker said if I went all day without smoking today I would get a CD made. I am currently listening to a collection of songs by the Beatles. :)

3) I was told if I quit smoking for at least 3 months I would get dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant.

I feel calmer about being smoke-free this time around. Even though it's still really early in my quitting, I still feel pretty confident this time.

Susan is very happy that I have quit. When she saw my profile online it still said that I was a non-smoker. So when I told her that I did smoke she was very surprised and said she never would have emailed me if she knew I was a smoker. The thought of not meeting her really scares me.

Someone told me yesterday that if I quit smoking then Susan would probably kiss me more. I guess I will find out tomorrow. :)

Happy Weekend.

Confession

OK, I have a confession to make. I have not shared this on my blog because I am not proud of it, but here goes.

As many of you know I quit smoking in April and went 78 days without smoking. Something really stressful happened on June 24 and I started smoking again. I smoked for a couple days and then quit again for a week. But I was really struggling because I was still pretty stressed and ended up just giving up and smoking. I have known that I need to quit for some time now and when I met Susan my determination was at an all time high. When we were first talking she said that she thought I was a non-smoker and probably would have never sent that first email if she knew I was a smoker. To think of her not in my life really made me realize that I need to quit..and sooner then later. Susan does not like that I smoke and every time I would come in from smoking she would acknowledge that she could smell the smoke. I hate the fact that she associated Marlboro Lights with me. The first weekend she stayed at my house I could still smell her on the pillows and I realized that I probably only smell like smoke. And honestly, how romantic is that?

But I am not just doing this for Susan. I am doing this for myself first and foremost. My breathing has become bad again and I am waking up a lot at night coughing. Walking Sophie is not as fun because I always seem to be out of breathe. When Susan and I are laying in bed I can hear myself wheezing and I hate that.

So here I go again. Feel free to leave me an encouraging comment. I think I need all the encouragement I can get right now.

So far I have 2 hours as a non-smoker. Here's for forever being a non-smoker.

Communication

Susan and I have this unique/fun way of communicating with each other. We both have Youtube accounts and one of the ways we communicate with each other is by putting a certain video on our favorites. For example: this week she put this video on her favorites. It was after we had spent the weekend together and I had been upset about my family. Seeing that video on her favorites meant more then if she had sent an email saying that she cared and was there for me.

I love being with someone that shares the same musical interests as me. As you all know, I am really into music and it is such a huge part of my life. The only thing that she does not like is country music, which is surprising since she has always lived in the country. She would rather listen to Amy Winehouse then anything country. I have tried to get her to listen to a couple songs that don't really sound country, but she still didn't like them. I'm just happy that she can tolerate Barry Manilow and has even said she would go to his concert with me if he ever comes back to KC. I can deal with her not liking country if she would go to a Barry Manilow concert with me. :)

Tomorrow I am going to do a Thursday Thirteen post tomorrow and it will be all about Susan, so be sure to check it out.

So I am curious...what are some of the unique or fun ways you communicate with your sweetheart?

Better

I think I am feeling a little better this morning. My throat is still hurting, but I don't feel as tired. The last couple of nights I have been laying down for a couple hours when I get home and then try to get to bed by 11pm. I think the extra sleep is doing me good and hopefully this won't turn into a full blown cold. It also helps when I get a TXT message from my sweetheart saying, "I can't wait until Saturday. I miss you so much and you are so wonderful." I think if I had pneumonia, getting a TXT like that would make me feel 100% better. :)

Sometimes I am under stress and don't even realize it and when I am stressed I have a hard time handling every day things. Whenever I get really stressed I always break out in a rash on the palms of my hands. So even though I don't realize I am stressed, this is my body's way of saying, "Hey...slow down a little." Late last week my palms broke out in this rash and I stopped to see what could be causing so much stress. Here is what I came up with:

1: My tags were to be renewed in September and I have not had the money to pay the personal property taxes. Because it was 2 year tags I am having to pay the taxes from 2006/2007. Part of me is angry because I know Laura should be responsible for 1/2 of 2006 and probably half of 2007 since she was using the Honda through May of that year, but I know she would never take responsibility for this so there is no reason to even ask her. Because the tags are now late I will have late fees and I am looking at close to $900 for the taxes and tags. The good news is I got a raise at work and it's retro from May, so I know this will help out a lot. But I still worry about being pulled over or my apartment complex towing my car since the tags are expired.

2: Yesterday when I was driving to work my car lost all power. I was turning and suddenly I had no power steering and all the lights came up on my dash. I about had a heart attack. I put the car into park and restarted the car and it's been fine ever since. I know I should probably have it looked at, but I just don't have the money and I am not sure if I want to know if it's a major problem because again, I don't have the money. I believe that if you take care of your car and treat your car with respect then it will be good to you. I had a talk with LuLu and told her how much I appreciate her and I am hoping she will hold on until I have money to figure out what is wrong.

3: Economy. I am making more money then I have ever made, but I am struggling more then I ever have. I am trying to catch up on bills, but it sometimes it seems like I will never catch up. The minute I am able to save some money something happens and I need money for a vet bill or something else. Instead of bailing out the big banks, why not give every American 18 and over $1 million dollars (total would be $200 million), tax us at 30% and we would still have $700,000 to pay all our debts and restore the economy.

Guess who I got to see last Friday:
I think she was just as happy to see me as I was to see her. After I congratulated MJ on her engagement the next thing I said was, "I get to watch Sadie when you guys get married." I am already counting down the days. :)