Past

Last night Susan and I were talking and my relationship with Laura came up. It's funny because this is the first relationship I have had since the break up when the person has not asked me a million and one questions about Laura. From the very beginning Susan has said that what is in the past should stay in the past. When we first started seeing each other I thought that since she didn't want to know everything about my past relationships that maybe she wasn't that interested in me. I quickly found that it was the complete opposite. Not only did she really like me, but she really didn't need to know every detail about my past relationships to love and accept me.

Anyway, so we were talking and I said something about it not being a very healthy relationship. I think she was a little surprised because I have never said anything bad about Laura. I have worked hard to get to the point where I am OK with what Laura did and am able to move past it. I have found that it is so much easier to forgive then to hold onto whatever anger you might have for that person. And yes, in the very beginning I was very angry with Laura.

When I go back and read the posts from when Laura and I were together I know I left out a lot of what was actually going on. Laura was/is a very controlling person. From the minute we got together she had to be the one in control. Any time I would say something that she wouldn't necessarily agree with she would give me this look or glare. You know when you are a child and your parent gives you that look and you are like, "oh shit.."? When she would do that I would feel stupid or like my opinion didn't matter. She loved to give me that look when we were around other people. Towards the end I got enough courage to say "what" when she would give me that look. The look on her face was priceless, but I always knew there would be a fight when we would get home.

She made it clear from the beginning that she did not like my home or the way I decorated it. I was on a tight budge, so it wasn't like I had a lot of money to spend on the best and newest furniture, ect. About 3 months after we started dating, I came home from work to find that she had ripped the carpet out of the basement. I couldn't believe it. I was in complete shock. But I didn't say anything. From the minute she moved in everything about the house had to be changed to what she liked. And if I said, "No, I like it this way and want to leave it" she would say "Well, you're not ready to move on from your past are you?". When I think back to how she didn't like my house (it was actually a really nice house and meant a lot to me since it was my Grandmothers), I laugh because when Laura and I met she didn't have a place of her own and was living with her parents.

I lived in fear. Laura never got physical with me, but I was always afraid that I would do or say something that would make her leave. She didn't like me having friends and made it very clear. I know I was not a very good friend while Laura and I were together. I know she probably loved the fact that she didn't have to share me with my family. I wonder if Laura and I would have lasted as long as we did if my family was involved. I imagine not.

Instead of embracing the things that I liked she would often make fun of me or say something to negative about my likes. Four months before we broke up we went on a road trip and I made a CD for it. As I was burning the CD I told her a song I wanted on there and she said, "That is not a road trip song." She then said that if I put the song on the CD then we would not be listening to it.

Laura was my first long term relationship with a woman and it sucks that it was so unhealthy. Now that I am in a healthy relationship I am finding that I have a lot to work on. I am so thankful that I have found someone that is patient with me and doesn't get upset when I do something that normally wouldn't be done in a healthy relationship.

After Susan and I talked last night and I shared more about my relationship with Laura I think she can see the big picture now. Yes, she has to be a little bit more patient with me, but she has said on several occasions that I am more then worth it.