Ready

I am finally ready for tomorrow.

Little House~The Musical

OK, so I heard today that they are making a musical for Little House on the Prairie. How awesome is that!!!! And I heard that Melissa Gilbert is playing Caroline (Ma). This year keeps getting better and better with each day.

I was so tired today at work. I was up until about 2am and had to be at our main offices for a meeting at 9am. I will be honest...my brain was not as sharp as it usually is. After work I took Sophie for an extra long walk. Starting Monday I am going to get serious about losing weight and getting into shape, so both Sophie and I need to get used to walking a lot in the evenings. We walked out to the entrance of our apartment building and then up this narrow 2 lane road for about one block. I was just trying to get us to this parking lot where we could jog for a bit. I am not sure I will do that again because we almost got hit 3 times because people did not care that Sophie and I were on the shoulder of the road. There is a small creek on the side of the road so the shoulder is very narrow and there is not a lot of room. One car got so close to us that if Sophie or I had moved just a few inches closer we would have been hit. We only had maybe 50 feet to walk, but it was literally a near death experience. Once we got to the parking lot I started jogging with Sophie. I have a lot of work to do (and so does Sophie), but we will get there. Sophie is a good sport to run along with me in the heat. Sophie has been asleep since 6:30pm and I imagine she will sleep rest of the evening.

Sunday is June 1 and I am anxious to get that day over with. Getting the email from my Dad kind of put a twist in the whole situation, but I almost feel as if it was a sign for me that my parents do still think about me and love me. That email might be just what I needed to let go of all that anger and sadness I have held inside for so long.

My Best Birthday

I have been dreading turning 35, but my first day at as a gasp 35 year old has been one of my best days....ever.

It all started at 12:15am when Lynilu called me and tried her best to sing Happy Birthday like Marilyn Monroe. She had me laughing so hard that it was hard for me to get to sleep. That woman just cracks me up. We enjoyed talking last night about some of the good times we had when she was living next door to me.

Then at 7:00am I got a text message from a friend wishing me a happy birthday. Here is our conversation via text message:

Her: Happy Birthday to You!
Me: Holy Crap...I am 35.
Her: If you look closely I am sure you will find another gray hair.
Me: Wow, that was kind of mean of you to say.
Her: It was a compliment...the older you get the wiser you become.
Me: You must be really smart then.

Once I got to work my dry erase board had many birthday wishes on it and there was a homemade cake on my desk. One of my techs had made me the cake and gave me a very sweet card. Within 5 minutes I had two other techs come in and wish me a happy birthday and give me a present. I went over to the other unit and I had another homemade birthday cake and two of my techs got me a $40 gift certificate to Bath & Body Works. How cool is that. As you can see from the picture I gave Sophie some frosting from the cake and she loved it as much as I did.

I then met a few friends for lunch at my favorite BBQ restaurant. To see all the birthday photos click HERE.

When I got home I received the best present. I checked my email and there was this email waiting for me:

Caroline:
I sincerely wish you a very happy birthday!
With Love,
Dad


For the first time in 4 years my Father has reached out to me. Even if I never hear from him again, this email says so much to me.

Today was my perfect day. I felt loved and it was made very clear that I am worth more then I give myself credit for and a whole lot of people love me.

If the rest of the year is as good as today then it's going to be one hell of a year.

Oh My....I am 35!

Happy Birthday to Me!


















How in the world can I be 35???? Seriously...Where has the time gone?







Usually each year I list facts about myself, but I am not sure if I could sit and list 35 things about myself that you guys don't already know.

Thank you to all my readers who keep coming back day after day to read about what I sometimes feel is a boring life. Whatever it is that keeps you coming back, I thank each of you.



Here are some of my hopes and wishes for my 35th year:

~See all my good before the negative

~Not be so focused on finding the perfect relationship, but just enjoy life and all that comes my way.

~Realize that the biggest presents come in the smallest packages

~The greatest gift I gave myself this year was to quit smoking. Now it's time to get into shape.

The Caroline I knew on my 34th birthday is completely different then the Caroline I see in the mirror just one year later. This past year I was able to get rid of a lot of extra crap I had been carrying around in my heart and it's amazing how much better I feel. I have started to live my life for me; no one else.

This is going to be the best year of my life...I can already tell.

Birthday Song

Since JFK and I share a birthday, does that mean she was singing this song to me as well?

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Funky Tuesday

I am in a funk today.

This past weekend was very good, but I had to deal with a lot of tech issues and these issues all need to be dealt with today and this week. 99% of the time I love my job and wouldn't trade it for anything, but today is that rare 1% where I feel like I am fighting a losing battle with some of my techs. It just sucks sometimes when I work so hard to make my tech team a great team and then there are a few that are determined to destroy all the hard work I have done.

Since Friday I have really really really really really really really (you get the point) wanted a cigarette. I don't know if it's because I am PMSing or the fact that it was a holiday weekend. I didn't smoke, but I really wanted to.

Hopefully it will all be better by Thursday. Someone I know is having a birthday.

So, until I pull myself out of this funk....Go visit Lynilu and wish her a Happy 2nd Blog Anniversary.

Hero

I finally watched Juno tonight. I have been wanting to see it since it came out last fall but for some reason never watched it. I think it's pretty appropriate that I watched it around my birthday. As I was watching the movie I was reminded what an amazing person my birth Mother must be. I can only imagine how hard it was for her to feel me kick inside of her for 9 months and then to put me up for adoption. It really shows me how unselfish she is and how incredibly strong she is.

I often wonder if she thinks of me and if she imagines what I look like and the person I have become.

A few weeks ago I was thinking about being adopted and I think I have always felt somewhat rejected by my birth Mom. Well, a couple weeks ago I changed the way I thought of being adopted. Instead of feeling rejected I felt grateful that I had two women I considered a Mother. Both women helped me become who I am today and I am so grateful for both of them.

I pray that my birth Mom has been rewarded in life for loving me enough to trust me with someone else. She is my hero.

The Secret

In the last few weeks, my cat Bonk has been losing her balance. She can't jump into the window anymore because of her balance. If she does manage to jump up there then she falls off the ledge. I am wondering if I should take her to the vet or is this just something I should expect since she is 21.

The other thing I have noticed is she is sleeping a lot. I know cats sleep a lot, but she seems to sleep so much more lately. Since we moved into our apartment Bonk has started sleeping with me. Bonk used to be a cat that did not like being held and certainly did not cuddle. In fact she was named Bonkers because we all thought she was kind of a crazy cat. In the last three years Bonk has transformed into this completely different cat. Now she wants to cuddle and will cry for me to pick her up. Her favorite thing for me to hold her and just walk around with her.

I was 14 when one of my brothers girlfriends left her at my parents house. I am so thankful that my parents allowed her to stay and become part of our family. I think you can see where I got my love of animals from.

When I tell people that I have a cat that is 21 most look at me in amazement. I wish I could figure out what the secret is so I make sure I do it with all my pets.

Very Good

Yay, I have a home phone. I kind of feel like it's officially home now. It's been a long year of not really knowing where I was going to live and I really couldn't be happier with my cozy little apartment. I ended up having to go buy a new cordless phone because I could not find the handset to my old phone. Oh, and how cool is the caller ID on the TV? I love it and can't wait to get some calls.

Last night I came upon this:
As you can see my life is never boring.

Life is very good today.

Feeling Blessed

This is where I wish I was. I love camping and it's been almost 2 years since I have been able to go. I really wanted to go last summer, but I was told that it probably was not a good idea to go by myself. But now that I am thinking about it, there really isn't a good reason why I can't go by myself. Where I do go camping is a very safe place and whenever I have gone camping I always feel safe there. I have used most of my storage in the apartment for my camping gear. Not only is camping great because you are out there in nature, but it doesn't cost a lot of money. Yea, I think it's time for me to go camping again.

When I left work I had planned on going back in for a few hours, but the minute I left I realized how tired I really am. It is so hard for me to come home on the weekends and just relax and not think or worry about work. This is the first time that I have had a job where I really don't mind working extra hours or working the weekends,. As crazy as my life has been this past year, I am thankful that my job has provided an anchor for me.

There is a very sweet guy that Sophie and I often times talk to when we go on our walks. He feeds the stray cats and I can totally understand why he does that. Well, tonight as we were walking he came out and talked with us and he was acting all nervous. He then asked if I would like to get dinner sometime. He was so cute when he was asking because he was so nervous. I told him that I was seeing someone (that's easier then telling someone I barely know that I am gay), but said we could certainly be friends. If I was not gay I would definitely go out with him.

Well, it's a holiday weekend, all my bills are paid and I have extra money in my pocket...I am really feeling blessed tonight.

Have a great weekend everyone.

13 Random Things

Here are 13 things that are occurring in my corner of the world or things I am thinking about:

1) I received my first birthday present today. Both items came from Ozarkland courtesy of MJ and another friend. I will show pictures later of my awesome presents.

2) I came across this picture last night:
This is the Jehovah's Witness version of a birthday party. I am in the front with the green shirt and plaid pants (thanks Mom & Dad). It looks like I am on a sugar high. Since we didn't celebrate birthdays we would have "cousin parties" where all the cousins would get together and we would play games, wear party hats and have cake. I used to love these parties. One time a family from our congregation had a HUGE party for all the kids and it was so much fun. One of my favorite games was when we would fish over the balcony and when we would pull our line up there would be a present on the hook. Those were some good times.

3) I have discovered my weak point at work; my tech evaluations. I have no idea why I have struggled so much with them, but I am slowly getting the hang of them. I have been kind of stressed the last couple of weeks trying to work on these.

4) I don't watch American Idol, but did you notice the winner is from Kansas City? The city has gone crazy over David Cook and that is all people are talking about.

5) Today is day 43 as a non-smoker. It's weird because part of me really (!!!!!) misses smoking and the other part doesn't miss anything about it. I love having the extra money, not smelling bad and not worrying about burning myself. I figure I will be past the critical point when I don't wake up and my first thought is how many days I have gone without smoking.

6) I read the obits yesterday and saw that one of Laura's aunts passed away. I guess she passed away last week and the funeral was earlier in the week. I think I may send her family a card.

7) I may or may not be seeing someone new. Whatever the case, I have decided to keep quiet about my dating life here on my blog; at least for now. Oh, and just so you know...being back in teh dating world totally sucks.

8) Even though my birthday is not until next Thursday, I kind of feel like the celebration starts this weekend. I love long weekends that end with my birthday.

9) I am so excited to be getting a home phone again. Time Warner will be out on Saturday to install the phone. Now I just need to find where I put my phone.

10) I ended up going back to the dentist a couple days ago because I got this horrible canker sore on the roof of my mouth. I have not been able to eat anything salty, spicy, hot or cold for almost a week now. I woke up this morning and it feels a little better, but is still really sensitive to some foods.

11) I really am wanting to do something different with my hair, but have no idea what to do. I was thinking either cutting it short or getting a perm. Oh, and I am scared to death of changing my hair. I'll have to tell the story sometime about when my Mom chopped off my hair and gave me a perm. I looked like Annie for months.

12) There is a new program on the National Geographic channel where people go live in Alaska in the middle of winter for 3 months and have to learn to live off the land. I so want to be a part of this show.

13) Looking through my blog posts for the last couple of months it would seem that I am a really depressed person, but actually I am not at all depressed. I can kind of see why my brother is reporting to my parents that I am unhappy and miserable, etc. I think I have been using my blog to get all those sad and angry feelings out. The truth is...I am a really fun girl. :)

U-Turn

I finally had some time to scan some pictures tonight and I came across this picture. On the left is my brother who is holding my cousin J, I am in the middle (the one with the shitty grin) and then my cousin J. My cousin R came along about 3 years later and the 5 of us were raised as if we were siblings. It has been so much fun going through these old pictures and remembering all the good times we had together. Some of my funniest memories are the times I spent with my cousins. I really have no idea how we didn't spend more time being grounded because we did some pretty crazy stuff. And yes it's the religious kids that you need to worry about the most.

For so long I think I was so angry with my family for just kind of letting me go. To me it seemed like it was very easy for them. It really is amazing how anger can hold you back and prevent you from growing. I was never really taught how to express my anger in a healthy way, so when I suddenly found myself with years of anger coming to the surface I had no idea what to do. I know I have done many things wrong with trying to deal with this anger and I can see that now.

And when I think about it I am no longer angry about my parents, just kind of sad and disappointed. For 4 years I have put on this shield and just acted like it was their loss and they were the ones that were wrong. I think it's been only recently that I am getting to the core of my feelings and it seems like those feelings have been pretty raw lately. I used to be a person that would do anything do avoid crying or showing any kind of emotion. This past year I have had no choice in showing my emotions because they seem to just appear out of nowhere sometimes.

I am thankful to have people in my life that know how to tell me in a loving way that I need to be doing things differently. It wasn't until just a few weeks ago that I realized I was just running in circles and was not getting anything accomplished in regard to moving past things with my family. That realization literally knocked me over because I really thought I was going in the right direction and now so many things make no sense to me at all.

Today at work we had a graduation for some clients that have completed the program. One of them said something that really got me thinking. She said that things finally started to get better in her life when she stopped what she was doing and did the complete opposite.

I think it's time for me to make a U-Turn.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

The Day I Became an Aunt

14 years ago today I became an Aunt. When N was born I loved him as if he was my own child. When he was just two days old his Mom was admitted back in the hospital and he stayed with my parents and me until his Mom was released from the hospital. My Mom told me that I had the overnight duty and I had no idea why she was laughing when she said that. Not only did N wake me up every 2 hours to be fed, but I could not figure out how to keep him dry. It seemed that every time he peed he became soaking wet as well as the bedding. I still remember like it was yesterday waking up with him those few nights I had him. I loved all the sounds he made and how when I would feed him he would look me right in the eyes. After those few days N and I spent together, I knew what love really felt like.

Through most of N's life my parents have babysat him almost every weekend. I used to love when he would come visit and I soon realized how incredibly fun it is to be an aunt. I got to spoil him rotten and there was nothing anyone could say to me about it.

N has always been sweet and sensitive and I wonder if he is still that way. The last time I saw N was in December 2006. I was very lucky that N's Mom let me see him a couple times even though rest of the family disagreed. I went to his house and took him some Christmas presents. When I pulled up he saw my car and went running to me. I will never forget his expression when he saw me or the way he threw his arms around me. Sadly I have not seen or talked to him since that December day.

N also has a very funny side and loves to tell jokes. When he was 4 or 5 I had taken him to Rainforest Cafe and as we were driving home out of nowhere he said, "Do you know why Johnny put pennies in his diaper?" I really thought he was talking about a kid in his daycare. I told him I didn't know and he said with a giggle, "Because he wanted to be changed". I remember thinking that this kid was pretty cool since he was able to tell a joke at such a young age. A few years later I told him that our birthdays were close to each other and he looked at me with this serious look and said, "No they aren't. You are a lot older then me. " At the time I was still in my 20s, so I was still able to laugh at his remark. :)

I love all my nephews, but I feel the closest to N. I know that N remembers me and has his own memories of me and the time we spent together. I look forward to his 18th birthday because I know that once he is 18 I don't have to worry about anyone saying I can't see him. In just 4 years I am hoping to reunite with my nephew and pick up where we left off in 2006.

Happy Birthday N. I hope you know how much I think of you and love you.

Team Sophie

I continue to have problems with my upstairs neighbor and I really don't know what to do. He has made it very clear that he does not like dogs; especially Sophie. When we first moved in this neighbor was very nice and said that if he ever made too much noise to let him know. Well, within a couple of weeks he had complained to the manager and said Sophie was barking too much. I think I would understand if Sophie was a barker, but really she is not. She will bark occasionally at something that walks in front of our window, but I am always there to make her stop. When I go to work during the day I leave all the blinds shut so she can not see outside. Plus, this neighbor works during the day and isn't home during the day. After this neighbor complained the first time I wrote him a note apologizing and gave him my cell phone number and told him to call me if her barking ever bothered him. Since then he has been very nice to me and has shared a lot about himself to me. I know more about him then I know about most of my friends. Here are some of the things I know about him:

1) He is bipolar
2) I know all the medications he is on
3) I know that he has been in the hospital twice for his bipolar
4) I know that he feels that he will not live much longer (not too sure what that means..he said he is not suicidal because when he told me this I asked him)

And there are a lot of other things he has told me in regards to when the last time he slept with someone, etc. I always just talked to him because I was trying to smooth things over with him. I have always said hi to him and even found myself checking on him to make sure he is OK.

Well, on Sunday we pulled up at the same time and I said my usual "Hello" and he said, "Hey I have something for you." He then proceeded to hand me a copy of the city ordinance for Excessive Animal Noise. As I was trying to figure out what he had just handed to me he is telling me (in a very aggressive manner) how my dog has woke him up twice this weekend because of her barking. He said that I need to get a shock collar for her and that he has a lawyer because he has rights. I just stood there in shock. Not only at what he was saying to me, but how he was saying it to me. He looked kind of possessed. I told him that he didn't have to be so mean in what he was saying and his response was, "Well, you are not following through with getting your dog to stop barking." Oh, and he told me that I ruined his weekend.

I called the manager of my complex today and explained the situation. I told her that it's not fair to me to live in constant fear that every time my dog barks I am going to be evicted. I don't like it when Sophie barks and anytime she barks I make her stop. Dogs bark and my thought is if you don't like dogs then maybe you should move to a complex that does not allow dogs. I would think if Sophie was a dog that just sat in the apartment and barked all day then she would be barking at the many people, kids, dogs and cats we pass when we go on our walks.

The manager kind of agreed with me and said they would address this with him if he complained again.

I can totally understand this neighbor complaining if Sophie barked all the time, but you can ask any of my friends if Sophie is a barker. Yes she does bark occasionally, but overall she is a very good and calm dog. I am wondering if I should start hitting the ceiling every time he makes too much noise; and believe me he is not a neighbor that makes no noise. There have been several times that he has either dropped somthing or stomped his foot so hard on the floor that it startled me and the cats.

Would you guys do anything different or do you have any other suggestions.

And yes I did add the picture of Sophie to prove how sweet and completely innocent she is. And in case you had any doubt, I am on Team Sophie.

Down on the Farm

So my day on the farm was one of the best days I have had in a long time. MJ and I had a blast on the drive down and she showed me where you can get the best Coke. The minute we got out of the car I noticed how quiet it was. Living in the city I think I forget how loud it really is.

MJ was the perfect host and showed me all around the farm. I loved all the details she gave me about what the farm was like when it was a working farm. She then took me on a tour of the farm on the mule. I only knew what a mule was from watching "Little People Big World" and it was actually fun riding around on it. You know I am a city girl when riding on the mule felt like an amusement park ride.

As we were getting close to the cows MJ asked if I had ever been close to a cow. Because I hadn't she let me know that I should not make any sudden moves. That actually had me a little concerned and I wondered if I would be attached by the cows. A few did seem to have some anger issues and didn't seem to like the fact that I was taking their picture, but all in all they were great. I did ask if I could bring one of the babies back with me and I was reminded that they don't stay small for long.

MJ's family is awesome and I think I met everyone yesterday. Her Mom had asked if I grew up in the city and I told her that I had, but I had spent most of my summers as a child in Northern Minnesota and she said, "Yea, you have the country in you." I took that as a huge compliment.

If you want to see all the pictures I took then click HERE.

As we were leaving I was told that I could come back anytime and I really don't think MJ's parents realize what they were saying to me. If I ever just disappear, look for me on the farm.

My Response

For all those wondering if I made it back to the city...Yes I did come home without too much of a fight. It was a great day and I have come back to the city with some idea what it would be like to be Laura Ingalls Wilder. I promise to post more about my visit tomorrow.

I do want to address a few of the comments I have received in the last few weeks. I love all the comments I get and am so thankful that people are willing to take time out of their busy day to read my blog.

I do want my readers to know that I am working hard at letting things go with my family. I do agree that I tend to hold on to the past a little bit and it's something I am working hard at changing. My Mom used to always tell me that I lived in the past and I realize that I am still doing that. I don't know why I have done this, but I do realize it's not healthy for me.

It's not only hard realizing you need to make changes in your life, but it's also very hard trying to figure out how to do make that change.

So I ask for your patience while I figure everything out. And even though I have come a long way in the last year, I know I still have a lot of changes to make. And to be honest....sometimes I get really scared when I think of all the changes I need to make.

Quote of the Day

Sophie is very popular with the kids in my apartment complex. When they are out playing she does not bark at them and pretty much ignores them when we walk past them. Most of them want to come up and pet her and a few are very afraid because she is a large dog. Tonight there was a little girl about 4 years old that was so afraid of Sophie and her older sister was trying to get her to calm down and pet Sophie. To try to calm her sister, this girl said, "Sissy, it's just like a cat, but a dog." There you have it.

I took this picture of Sophie tonight and she is so adorable. As we were walking back from our walk tonight this guy stopped us and asked what kind of dog Sophie was. After I told him he said, "She is going to be a big dog." I told him she was 10 years old and he about fell over. That is the 4th person in the last few weeks that has said Sophie looks like a puppy. I must be doing something right because I have a 10 year old dog that looks like a puppy and a 21 year old cat that still acts like a kitten most days. Maybe they will live forever.

Tonight MJ called me and asked if I would be interested in going to the farm with her tomorrow (today). Ummmm....I didn't have to think about it. Time Warner is suppose to come out tomorrow (today) to install my home phone, but I would be willing to reschedule them to have a chance to go out to the farm. You have no idea how excited I am. Once she gets me to the farm, I may never want to leave.

Best Day

Someone put this on my door this morning. I do believe today will be a great day!!! I need to remember that each day I have the choice to make it either a bad day or the best day.

I hope today is your best day yet.

Smile

Here is my positive thought for the day:
I love my smile.

Someone is Back

Look who is back.

Why can't my family understand that I did not lie to them about being gay. I had no fucking idea that I was gay until I was 26. It's not like I was encouraged to be myself. I was told you have to be this way and that was the end of the story.

June 1 can not get here soon enough.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

4

I saw this on a couple blogs and since I really don't have that much to talk about today, I decided to do this MeMe.

4 things I did 10 years ago: (1998)
1. Bought a house
2. Went on a cruise
3. Brought a tiny black puppy home that I found on the street who now comes to the name Sophie
4. Went off the pill in hopes of getting pregnant.

4 things I did 5 years ago: (2003)
1. Got fired from a job that I hated
2. Welcomed my 3rd nephew
3. Turned 30
4. Started the job where I met Laura

4 things I did yesterday
1. Went to the dentist
2. Went to a health fair
3. Found out my cholesterol is 144; which is very good
4. blogged

4 shows I love to watch
1. The Amazing Race
2. Work Out
3. Survivor
4. ER

4 things I love to do
1. Take pictures
2. Hang out with friends
3. Swim
4. Travel

Let me know in the comments section if you decide to play along.

July 14

July 14 is going to be a day of celebration. I will have my last dentist appointment to fix my mouth. It's been a long 3 years. I am so fortunate to have a dentist that will allow me to make payments because that is the only way I can get all of this done this soon. My appointment today went really well. I took my iPod and it really helped having my own music to listen to. They ended up giving me 6 shots to numb my mouth and I literally can not feel half my face. The dentist told me that I could expect to be numb for the next 3-4 hours. It's actually kind of funny when I try to take a drink of water.

Last night Sophie and I went for a walk and discovered they have started getting the pool ready for the season:
In just 2 weeks the pool will open. It has been 2 years since I have really enjoyed laying out by the pool. I can't wait until I am tan again.

Would you believe tomorrow will make one year at my job. Part of me is wondering where the time has gone, and then the other part of me feels like last May was forever ago. I still learn something new every day and have yet to be bored. I think back to that other job I accepted and started last spring and how my gut told me this was not right. I remember walking out that door not knowing how I was going to make my next car payment, but knowing it would work out somehow. When I think back to that day I am amazed at the strength and courage I had. My work has a daycare and one of the things that I love to do is go in and hold the infants. Holding a baby helps me refocus and recharge and it's the perfect way to get rid of any stress. Life seems perfect when I am holding a baby. It's hard to believe that I almost left my job last summer. STL and I were dating and she wanted me to move to St. Louis. I seriously considered it becasue I felt that I had to get out of Kansas City. STL knew that I loved my job and she really was trying to convince me that this was just a job and it didn't matter if I stayed. I told her that I was concerned about leaving since I loved what I was doing and her response was, "You don't matter to them and they could care if you stay or go." I remember thinking she was so wrong and I soon realized how wrong she was. In the end I could not leave my job and I chose my job over a girl. Yea, I made the right choice.

Reflection

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.~Benjamin Franklin

I realized I am just going in circles with my parents and I need to change what I do in order for the results to be different. It's time to let go of my parents. June 1 is the 35th anniversary of when they adopted me and I think having a letting go ceremony on that day would be exactly what my soul and heart needs. It's time stop letting them control me. I also think June 1 will be a good day to reflect on all the good times I had with my parents. Some of my favorite memories are the ones I shared with my parents.

I feel better just thinking about all of this. I think the next 3 weeks will be hard, but something I have to do in order to move forward.

This is my new favorite picture of Bonk:
Just looking at her sweet face calms me down and reminds me what it's all about. You have no idea how much I love this cat.

A special note to all my friends: I know it's been a long year with me, but I am so thankful for the countless hours you have listened, all the times you have called just to check in on me, all the meals you have invited me to share with you, all the words of encouragement and love and for letting me know that I am never alone. It's because of all of you that I have learned how to not let life get me down and it's your hand that has helped me get back on my feet. Each of you are a reflection of the love that God has for me. I thank you and love you.

New Day

Today is a new day. I am trying hard to pull myself out of this funk. Thankfully I am really good at that.

Yesterday I found one bad thing about living in such a small apartment. Sophie had the worst gas and since we have such a small place her gas seemed to overtake all of us. I have no idea what that dog ate that was so bad, but it was horrible.

So today I pray that I will be in a better place and I really pray that Sophie no longer has gas.

Little Miss Sunshine

Bonk has a new nickname and it's very fitting after she spent about an hour on the tiny ledge in the window this morning. I love this picture because you can see her reflection in the window.

I was going to leave my last post up a little longer, but decided I could not look at the picture of my Mom and I anymore. I emailed my Mom on Thursday night and I received a response from her late last night and then again this morning. I am not sure how she does it, but my Mom's response has left me speechless....again.

Part of me wants to drive over to their house and scream and cry that I am their daughter and tell them I just want them to love me. I know that if I were to do that I would just be wasting my time because my parents do not consider me their daughter anymore.

I know I am suppose to be learning some lesson here, I just wish I could figure out what it is. Whatever the lesson...my heart is still just really hurting today. I have tried for 4 years to accept that my parents do not like me and I have no idea why I can not accept it.

Mom Day

It is nearly impossible not to think of my Mom this weekend. I wonder how she is and if she ever thinks of me. I wonder if she remembers all the good times we had and all the funny moments. I wonder if she realizes that I have not only lost my Mom, but my best friend as well. I wonder if she thinks of me when she hears this song?

This morning I was trying to remember what her voice sounds like. When you have not heard something in 4 years you tend to forget what it sounds like. Her voice used to be so calming for me and I knew things would be OK by just hearing her voice.

If by chance my Mom ever reads this blog, I hope she realizes how much I love her.

Happy Mothers Day Mom.

-600

Today is 30th day with no cigarette. I still can't believe I have made it this far. Two years ago I made it 7 days and then struggled for 2 more weeks before finally giving in and smoking for good again. I figured that I have smoked at least 600 less cigarettes since I quit smoking.
600.
Oh my lord that is a lot of cigarettes. I have saved at least $100 and I am happy to report that I no longer smell like an ashtray. I always thought I did a good job in hiding the smoke smell, but I know I did not hide it. I put on a jacket this morning that I had not worn since I quit smoking and I could smell the cigarettes even after 30 days of not smoking. When I walk past someone that smokes I can tell if they have had a cigarette in the last 2 hours and they just stink. Hey, I just realized I need to put the fact that I quit smoking on my positive board because to me that is a huge positive.

Tomorrow Sophie and I are going to meet up with MJ and Sadie for a walk which should be a lot of fun. Speaking of MJ, today we were talking and she was talking about her parents farm and she casually said, "You should come down to the farm sometime." I really don't think she realized what she was saying because if it had been possible I probably would have gone right then. She promised that at some point she will take me down to her family farm and I am going to hold her to that promise. Growing up I always wished I lived on a farm just like Little House and hearing stories of MJ's childhood she had the childhood I always wanted. I wonder if she wished she lived in the city when she was growing up. The grass always seems greener on the other side doesn't it?

I have mentioned how good I am at remembering dates and today was a perfect example. As I was driving to work I realized it was May 9 and I immediately thought "16 years ago today was my senior prom". So if it ever seems like I am having trouble figuring something out it is probably because some stupid date is clogging my brain.

Almost TGIF

Well, today was a total loss.

I woke up around 6:30am with a headache. As I got ready for work my headache got worse. The pain came in waves and it literally took my breathe away. As I was driving into work M&M called to say good morning. I told her that I had to get off the phone because I thought I was going to be sick. (note to self: don't ever do that to M&M again...boy did she worry) I managed to get to work and I just sat in my office. I took 4 Advil and prayed that the pain would go away. A few minutes later I walked to the bathroom and the pain went away a little. But the minute I was back in my office I thought I was either going to pass out or throw up. I finally decided that I could not sit at work anymore and I had to go home. I called my boss to let her know and then I drove home.

I laid down all afternoon and my headache is finally gone. Today really scared me because it was the worst headache I have ever had and I have never been in so much pain. I kept wondering if I was having an brain aneurysm. My stomach was so upset that I could not eat anything all day. My appetite is coming back a little this evening.

I know quitting smoking was the best thing for me, but I have been sick more in the last month then I have in the last two years. I often wonder if my body is just trying to get rid of all the toxins I inhaled while smoking. I think I owe my body an apology.

M&M also suggested that I might be under more stress then what I am admitting to. She might be right. It's been a tough week emotionally and I do have a lot on my mind. I started working on my Positive Board and it's going well. I put it up on my wall and every time I think of something positive about myself I write it up there. The ones I am more confident about are in marker and the ones I am still trying to convince myself of are written in pencil. One step at a time.

Tomorrow is Friday and payday. Does it get any better?

Smiles

I am good today. I have a lot to think about, but I am feeling good about everything. I am slowly realizing that I can't go through life by myself and I have to let others in.

Remember me talking about the letter I mailed Laura on Monday? I think it would be fitting if she received it today because it was 4 years ago today that we met. I didn't plan on her getting the letter today; in fact it wasn't until this morning that I realized what day it was. Letting go feels really good.

I have also been listening to this song a lot. I remember hearing it while I was sitting in the dentist chair last New Years Eve. I could have written this song.

Today is my cousin Joel's birthday. Joel is one year younger then me and we were such good buddies growing up. It always seemed like we were going through the same things at the same time: graduations, weddings, divorces, moving, etc. I think of all my cousins I miss him the most. He has such a kind spirit and could always make me laugh. Happy Birthday Jo-Jo.

Love Lessons

I have always known that Lilly of the Valley was the flower for the month of May, but today was the first time I saw real Lilly of the Valley flowers. I had someone give me a small bouquet of Lilly of the Valley flowers and it was so touching. I feel very blessed because I have so many wonderful people in my life who truly care for me. This is the second time I have received flowers in the last month and really, who doesn't love getting flowers. I think I am becoming a little spoiled.

I have been asked some real hard questions in the past few days. I love that I have the kind of friends that care enough about me that they will be honest and really make me evaluate myself. It was explained to me today that I am still living with the same cult like thinking I had when I was a Jehovah's Witness. As Witnesses we were taught that we were in the last days and at any moment the world was going to end. I remember being at summer camp and I would pray to God to not let the world end yet because I was having such a good time. I have spent my entire life waiting for the other shoe to drop. And when that other shoe did drop then it was literally the end of the world. You have no idea how draining it is to live with the fear that if something bad happens to me, then my life is over.

My entire life I never felt like I could ask for help. I never wanted to rock the boat or make any waves. When I was 11 I was walking in the yard with no shoes and I stubbed my big toe on a rock. I had a huge gash in my toe and probably could have used a few stitches, but I was so afraid of asking for help. I never told my parents about it. The next weekend we were at the lake and my Mom saw my toe and asked what happened and she asked why I didn't say anything to them. It's simple....I didn't feel like I was worth it.

I need your help in learning to love myself because I have no idea where to begin. My friend gave me an assignment and I am to put together a positive board. Anything positive in my life or about me is suppose to go up on this board. As I sit here looking at a blank piece of poster board, I have no idea how I am going to fill it up. But I am willing to try.

This is going to be really hard.

Focus

I took this picture last week and I have no idea what I was trying to take a picture of, but this very cool picture is the result. I used to delete all pictures that were not perfect, but I have found that usually it's the ones I hadn't planned on that are the best. And I am not sure why I love this picture, but it really reminds me of my life this past year.

It seems that for the last year my life has been out of focus. I was knocked to the ground and for months and months I struggled to just get to my feet again. And even once I was back on my feet it seemed like I could not find what my focus was. And because of that lack of focus a lot of things have been put to the side and forgotten about.

On New Years Eve I went to the dentist and was told I had a lot of work that still needed to be done, but I never went back. If you have been reading my blog for more then the past year you know all the problems I had with my teeth in 2005 and 2006. Even though the dentist told me my problems were due to my smoking I refused to believe him. Now that I have quit I know he was right. I think I always felt bad going to the dentist and getting work done because I was still smoking and still doing damage to my mouth. I made myself watch a video of a woman that had oral cancer and it was so hard to watch, but something I need to. I pray that I will never smoke again. Anyway, New Years Eve was a horrible day for me and everything I was trying to avoid with Laura was right in front of me and there was no avoiding it. And it didn't help that what went down with Laura on that day happened while I was at the dentist. Note to self: NEVER schedule a dentist appointment for New Years Eve. What was I thinking? So, I put the fact that I needed dental work to the side and just tried to get out of bed every day.

So now that my life has calmed way down I have started to take care of some things that I have neglected in the last few months.

I have an appointment next Tuesday with my dentist. After talking with them I feel a lot calmer about everything and can see the light. And they were not concerned that I had not gone and got that root canal and said since I have no pain that probably means I don't need a root canal. That would be the best news ever. Seriously, it would be better then winning the lottery. Well, maybe not that good. I can't wait until all of this is done and since I have quit smoking (26 days, Yay) I know I am not continuing to do damage.

In January I wrote Laura a letter telling her how I felt about everything. Because I was so afraid of her reaction I never sent it. Well, today I got out that letter, added a few things and mailed it to her. You have no idea how good that felt. It feels good standing up for myself.

I was asked last week if I was planning on getting my Clinical license and I really couldn't come up with a good answer as to why I had not except I was afraid of failing. I thought about it over the weekend and I feel more confident then ever and know that I can do it. Since I got my masters degree I have wanted to get my clinical license, but I never felt smart enough to. It feels good at least making a plan to get my license.

Awww...today has been a good day. I feel like I have got a lot done and I am headed in the right direction and my focus is becoming more clear.

Change the World

I love the month of May. Not only is it my birthday month, but we tend to have some of the best weather days. Today it's in the 60's, not a cloud in the sky and absolutely beautiful. If it would stay this way all summer, then I would probably not hate summer so much. Today's weather is how the summers are in Northern Minnesota. I used to love that it would get warm (not hot) during the day and then cool down to the 50s at night. To me that is perfection.

This has been a wild week in my little blog world. I learned many lessons about people and human nature in general. I learned that when some people feel they are being attacked they turn into people I hardly recognize. It's kind of scary how you think you know someone from reading their blog and then suddenly you do something and it's like you never knew the person. One of the best thing I learned this week is that I love who I am becoming. M&M told me after church that she was so thankful for my soft heart. It was one of the most touching compliments I have ever received. I have learned this week that there are certain people that I am better off not being friends with. The saying is true that you become like those you hang around with. I chose to surround myself with people that are true to themselves and most importantly are kind and loving.

I read one of the best blog posts a few days ago and I want to share it with my readers. It is written perfectly and the message is clear.

One of the things I bought this weekend was a book of inspirational sayings. I took a picture of the one I read this morning. I truly believe that you can change the world with kindness and love.

Just Love

Ever since last night I have been in a funk. Something happened last night where my feeling were really hurt. I went to bed feeling sad and lonely. I felt even worse when I woke up and debated about calling the person that had upset me. By 9am this person called me and we talked things out a little. I don't think this person realizes how much of my heart she really has.

Today's weather has been perfect. I had lunch with 2 former co-workers and it was fun catching up. It's been two years since I worked with them and it's amazes me at how my life has completely changed since then.

After lunch I did something I haven't done in a long time: I went shopping and bought a couple things I have been wanting for a while. I spent entirely too much money, but that's OK. I even bought some special treats for Sophie and the cats. We were all pampered today.

This is the face I get to see each night,
and I am reminded:
if in doubt, love.

Six

I had planned on writing a post today giving an update on M&M, but I changed my mind. I still have a lot of people out there that have no problem leaving nasty comments on situations they know nothing about. There isn't anything bad to report with M&M, I just don't feel like dealing with any negative or hateful comments at this moment. I am going to do something that I have always struggled with....I am going to take care of me.

I got this from Sandra and thought I would play along.

The Rules

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
5. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.
6. Let your tagger know when your entry is up.

Here we go...

1. I do not like feet. I don't like feet to touch me or be near me.

2. It was a year ago today that I realized I would not be able to stay in my house and decided to put it on the market. I get dizzy thinking of everything that has happened in the last 365 days.

3. Something upset me last night and it was the first time since I quit that I didn't automatically think I needed a cigarette when I was upset/stressed. I still like the smell of cigarettes and I look forward to the day when I no longer like the smell.

4. I have a callus on my right thumb from the many years that I sucked my thumb.

5. I love music videos, but only watch them when things are going well in my life. As I write this I am watching VH1. :)

6. Sometimes I hate the fact that I get so upset and seem to feel every little thing. Then this song will come on my iPod and I am reminded that being sensitive is OK.

I am not going to tag anyone, but please feel free to play along.

Finally Friday

Thank you all for your comments and emails asking if I was OK. There were two tornado's that hit the city last night. I live about 20 minutes south of where the storms were so I was just fine. In fact, I didn't even wake up during the storm. My apartment is kind of like a basement apartment, so I never hear storms anymore. I am worried because my brother and his family live right where the tornado touched down. I do hope they are OK.

You have no idea how happy I am that it's the weekend. I still have some congestion and would you believe I am still running a fever. I had no fever on Wednesday, but I have had a one since yesterday. It looks like I might be making a trip to Urgent Care this weekend.

Here is a perfect example at how funny some of my co-workers are. When one of counselors found out I still had a fever her first response was, "Are you ovulating? You know you will get a fever when you are ovulating." Another co-worker and I just kind of looked at her and laughed. I really don't think I have ever been asked if I am ovulating. It's things like this that make me love my job so much.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. Be sure to check back tomorrow because I am going to have an update on M&M.

Life...Still Wonderful

Thank you all for your comments in yesterdays post. It seems that I have a few people that really do not like me and that is perfectly fine. I made a comment a few days ago on someones blog and the shit hit the fan from that comment. This person never asked me what I meant by my comment; instead they started insulting me and calling me nasty names. Why is it when someone is upset at you and they want to insult and you happen to be overweight, they have to add the word "fat". To me that just shows immaturity. It was those comments that made me realize that my life will still be wonderful even if I am not part of this particular blog circle. I don't think this person intended for the backlash to be so positive for me in the end.

Tonight after work I met a couple friends for dinner at a fabulous Mexican restaurant. Does life get any better when you are sharing dinner and a lot of laughs with two wonderful friends? To me it doesn't get any better.

We are having some pretty wild weather in KC. As I was driving home I heard the tornado sirens and realized we were under a tornado warning. I took these pictures as I was driving home. As we walked out of the restaurant there was that eerie tornado feeling. I got home with enough time to take Sophie for a walk before the downpour started.

I am so happy tomorrow is Friday. It's going to be a great weekend.