Mrs. Lonely

I am not real sure where the last 14 hours have gone. I was at work by 7am and did not stop until I left at 2:30. I decided first thing that I was going to leave a little early since I have a meeting with my techs tomorrow morning. Although I am not sure the meeting will happen. We are expecting sleet and ice overnight until 9am. I kind of hope I have to cancel it, but we will just have to see what happens. I can not trust the weather people in Kansas City. If they say we are going to get 10 inches of snow we usually get maybe a dusting. When they say we should only expect a dusting then we usually get at least 8 inches. So I will not know what the weather is doing until I wake up in the morning.

After work I went over to my best friends house. She is having a holiday party tomorrow so her house is all decorated and very festive. That woman has more Christmas trees then anyone I know. Her husband had smoked some pork tenderloins for tomorrow night and we got to try them to make sure they were OK. Boy were they good. It's not often that I get a home cooked meal, so when I do I savor every bite.

I am nervous about the party tomorrow night. I get very shy when I am in big groups and especially groups of people where I don't know anyone. And I hate the fact that I am going alone. I know most of the people will be with their spouse and I hate the fact that I am going by myself. At least when you go to a party where you don't know a lot of people you have your spouse to talk to. Part of me wants to make up a reason as to why I can't go, but I know I can't do that to my friend.

I hate coming home to an empty house. Hate it. I am sitting here tonight allowing loneliness to consume me. I know there are people out there that like to be by themselves, but even though I tend to be shy, I like having someone to come home to. I miss the feeling of getting into bed at night and having someone next to me. I miss those moments when you are asleep and you feel the one you love reach out for you and pull you in closer.

I think part of the reason that I have really struggled with the whole break-up is the fact that I was blind sided by the whole thing. It's not like I was in a relationship where I knew things were bad and there was no intimacy. Three days before Laura left for her trip to St. Louis (a.k.a. Shreveport) we were intimate and there was nothing different. The night before she left we feel asleep in each others arms. So when the break-up happened I was in shock. I literally had no idea. I guess I have learned that I really don't handle shock that well.

So if you are going to bed with someone you love tonight be thankful. Pull that person in a little closer. Treasure those moments you have because there are many of us that are going to bed alone tonight.

My Truth Drug

I think I have had too much to drink tonight. I needed something to calm me down after spending half my day talking with lawyers. You might be wondering how I know I have had too much to drink: I just downloaded 3 Britney Spears songs and I am currently listening to them. What the hell is wrong with me? :)

I have always said that alcohol is my "truth drug". That usually means I have no filter in what I am thinking and what I say. So here is your chance to ask me anything and there's a pretty good chance of me answering you honestly. So go ahead and ask away.

*Disclaimer*
I can not guarantee this post or my answers will be here when I sober up.

My Day

It's days like today that I wish I could write about what has happened. I am hoping in the next month or so I will be able to share exactly what I am dealing with at work.

Today my boss and I spent 4 hours in a deposition today. Most of the time was spent asking me questions. Ugh..... I can't wait until I can share what has been going on.

My back is much better today. Yay!! I got up several times last night to stretch out my back and I think that helped a lot.

I know I am way behind in my blog reading and I am really sorry that I have not been commenting as much. Please know that I am reading all of your blogs and will eventually catch up and start commenting like I used to.

It's that time of the year

Tonight when I went out I saw the most beautiful sunset. I took this picture with my cellphone and it really doesn't show the colors that were in the sky. I found myself just wanting to stare at it, but then I realized I couldn't do that since I was driving.

I spent the afternoon laying on the couch and it was wonderful. I even watched Dr. Phil and Oprah which I never get to watch. After watching Oprah I am inspired again to get back to losing weight. I think that the weight I have gained in the last 4 months has caused some of this back pain. And with my raise I can afford to go back to the gym.

It's beginning to look like Christmas around my house. In the past the decorations are put up in one weekend. This year I am doing a little decorating every couple of days and I am almost there. My goal is to be done with all the decorating by the end of this weekend. I have gone back and forth about getting a tree, but I think I will regret it if I don't put one up. I am hoping to go out and get one in the next week or so.

A close-up of the lights on my tree out front.
I call this my Charlie Brown Christmas tree. It's such a small tree and I try to get as many lights on there as possible.
Here's my small tree. I bought this tree in 2000. I had been kicked out of the church for smoking and I tried to celebrate Christmas. I had the tree in a place where I could easily run it upstairs if my parents just happen to drop by. I love the fact that I no longer have to hide the fact that I celebrate the holidays.
I love this inflatable. I searched for two years before finally finding it. Can you tell there is a theme in my decorations? I didn't plan on having a lot of Peanuts stuff, but it's kind of just happened.

Other then my back hurting I am still in pretty good spirits. I have come up with some great ideas for me to make money without having to go out and get another job. Which by the way would be close to impossible. I am on call 24/7 and there are many times I am called into work in the evenings or on the weekends. So, I am excited about my idea and will share with all of you in the next couple of days.

I am getting together my list of address' to send out my Christmas cards. If you would like to receive one please let me know. You can email your address to: carolinesemail73 at yahoo dot com.

Back Pain Part II

Do you remember this commercial? I feel that if I did fall down I would not be able to get back up.

My back is still hurting and I just rearranged my schedule so I could leave at noon. I was up at 2am this morning because of my back. So if any of you noticed me being on your blog at 2am, that is why.

I have this cream at home called BioFreeze which works really well. It's kind of like IcyHot, but so much stronger. I call BioFreeze "IcyHot on steroids". Do you think it would hurt if I took a bath in it? :)

What Could Be My Addiction

A few days ago I talked about learning the value of a dollar. When Laura and I were together we would often times go to the casino for entertainment. I love casinos. I have always said that if I was going to have an addiction it could easily be gambling. When we would go it would not be uncommon for us to take $300 and usually we would loose it all. Well, I would loose it. I am a sucker for the slot machines even though it is very rare that you win anything from them. Although one time we were in St. Louis and I won $250. I was pretty excited and it didn't matter that I spent $300 to win that $250. Now you don't even have to leave your house to gamble. Have you noticed how many online casinos there are? For me, I actually have to be in the casino to enjoy it. It just doesn't seem as much fun unless you go home smelling like an ash tray.

Now that I have to watch every penny I would never spend (or waste) money at a casino. I still get coupons every month from one of the casinos begging me to come back. During the summer the weekly coupons dropped to $3/week of free cash. The beginning of November I got my usual envelope from the casino. Much to my surprise they were offering me $27/week for the entire month. The casino is only ten minutes from my work, so every Friday during lunch I drive up and get my $27 of free cash. I love walking out of the casino with money; their money.

Something to Make You Laugh

Working in the addictions field I find this one the funniest.

Back Pain

My back is killing me today. It started hurting yesterday and by this morning I could barely walk. I think this is a sign that I need to start exercising again. When I was working out 5x a week I had no back pain at all. Maybe with the small raise I got I can now afford the gym again. It's only $30/month which is worth it if my back doesn't hurt anymore. Plus, I am sure the exercise will help on those days when I am feeling really down.

I am trying to figure out a way that I can go home early today, but dammit I have 2 interviews today for the weekend supervisor.

It's going to be a long day. Thankfully I have lots of blogs to catch up with.

Faith & Confidence

I am in a really good mood tonight. I wish I could bottle this good feeling for those days when I can't seem to find one good thing.

I hate to see people upset or when something bad happens to them, but for some reason today when Laura told me what happened over Thanksgiving I was kind of relieved. For so long I have been sitting here thinking that her life is perfect and she has no worries. I am sorry that her things were ruined (to find out see my earlier post from today), but damn it's about time something bad happen to someone else other then me. I am very sad that the Christmas tree was ruined. It was my first tree and I was hoping to have it for years to come. I think somehow that the next tree I get will be more meaningful.

As Laura was talking about all her challenges I reminded her of one thing. I told her that yes she has had some challenges in the last few days, but she had Sharon and her family to help her through all of it. I told her that she has no idea what it's like to truly be alone. I know I have many great friends out there that will support me no matter what, but right now the big decisions I am making are all on my own. And it's really hard to only depend on yourself. There are several women whose blogs I read that I really admire their strength to be on their own. They are so confident in themselves and I hope one day to have that same confidence. I think if I had as much confidence in myself as others do in me then I would be unstoppable. When I think about my job I sometimes wonder what they see in me. When I went in for my interview I was at the lowest point in my life, but somehow they saw something. I believe that was the beginning of me gaining some confidence. I remember telling my best friend after the interview that I walked in there like I was the best person for that job. Apparently that confidence worked because they hired me to supervise 23 unruly people when I had no supervision experience. I had Laura take my picture the morning of the interview and I sometimes go back and look at that picture to try to see the confidence. At times I can see it, but other times I see someone that looks like a deer standing in the headlights.

Often times when I read the comments from my readers about how strong I am I sometimes think you guys must be talking about someone else. How can I be strong and confident when there is rarely a day that goes by where I do not cry. But I guess I just need to have faith in what others are saying about me. And I hope you will be understanding when I have a day when my faith is less visible.

Good News Monday

I got some good news at work today: I am getting a raise. It's not a huge one, but it will amount to an extra $100 a month. The best news is that it is retroactive to mid-September. I should be getting this on my next check and it really couldn't have come at a better time.

A few weeks ago I put in for my blog to be approved to get paid for some of my posts. I finally got approved today. I hope everyone will still read even if I have to do some advertising. I think this will be perfect because there are some days when I really need some ideas for blogging. I am trying to figure out how it all works. Do any of you use Payperpost? I am having a little bit of trouble trying to figure out what to do once I pick an advertiser that I want to include in my post. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I can't seem to find any answers to my questions on their website.

Karma

I know I shouldn't be laughing, but I really can't help it right now.

I talked with Laura this morning and apparently last Friday while she was at her parents house for Thanksgiving the sewer backed up into the basement and all of Laura's things she was storing there are ruined. Clothes, furniture...everything is covered in shit. Oh, and the Christmas tree that she just had to have is ruined as well.

I know I shouldn't be laughing, but I do find all of this kind of ironic.

Karma is a bitch.

My Reaction to the Holidays......

I just realized that I react to Christmas and Santa the same way that Will Ferrell does.

If you want to know what it's like to be around me during the holidays, then click HERE.

If you don't believe me then you can just ask Lynilu.

Lessons Learned

It's been a very relaxing Sunday so far. Rusty's parents called yesterday and said they would be coming back today instead of yesterday. I told them about his "spraying" issue and they did seem upset and said they would make it up to me. Not too sure what that means. Rusty is actually a very sweet dog, just high strung. I just noticed this morning that he has chewed a spot on his leg and it's bleeding. Poor guy. He just hates to be in his kennel, but I don't trust him at night or when I am not here. Secretly I can't wait for 3pm to get here and they pick him up. I think we will both be happy once he is back with his family. Sophie is doing better. She is sleeping most of the day because of the medication and she seems to be walking fine on her foot. I am just thankful that Rusty was here because normally I don't go home at lunch. I hate to think what would have happened if I had not come home and been able to get her to the vet.

This morning I went and got my haircut. Getting my haircut always makes me feel better. The place I go is right down the street from my parents house and the Kingdom Hall where I attended and got kicked out. As I drove by I thought I would take a picture. I saw the cars of most of my family and for an instant I was thankful. I was thankful that I had the strength to get out of the cult and more importantly to have the strength to stay away. It would have been really easy for me to go back this year and say I had made a huge mistake. I would have been welcomed back (well, after the whole process which takes about 6 months) and my family would have taken care of the financial problems I am having. I am proud of myself for not taking the easy road out.

Even on my really bad days I never think about going back to the church or my family. I would rather live in a box and be happy with myself then give up who I am for someone else just so I don't have money problems.

I have been doing some thinking about the lesson I am learning in all of this. Growing up I did not want for anything. Pretty much anything I wanted I got. I remember being 18 and seeing a Honda Accord that I liked and within a week my parents went and bought the Accord for me. I think my parents tried to make me work for things, but never followed through. So really I never learned the value of a dollar.

The last 8 months I have learned the value of a dollar. I don't think I learned this lesson while I was with Laura. Looking back on our relationship it was based a lot around money. I would have denied that while we were together, but now that I am looking back on the 3 years we were together, it was based around money. And to have a relationship based on money is a very sad one indeed.

So on this Sunday morning I am thankful for finally learning the value of a dollar. I am thankful that through this lesson I still have a roof over my head (for now at least), a nice car to drive, food in the refrigerator and 3 of the best furry friends to love.

STL

Right after Laura and I broke up I dated a few women. Within a couple weeks of the break-up Laura was pushing me to date. I think she was hoping that would get my focus on to something other then the fact that she was a bitch. I think it was only 3 weeks after the break-up that I went on my first date. It was a disaster. I cried all the way there and only talked about Laura during the date. I am sure I was just a barrel of laughs that night. The lady was very nice and even said she wanted to see me again. I thought she was crazy for wanting to go out with me again and I eventually stopped answering her emails. I know...what a bitch. The second person that I dated was a woman in Oklahoma City. The first time I meet her was when I was on my home from Lynilu's. The next weekend I went down to see her. It was not the best weekend for me to be on a date and trying to impress someone. It was the weekend that Laura and I were suppose to be in Florida for our commitment ceremony. Oy, what I mess I was. Again, this woman was very nice and wanted me to come back down and visit the next weekend. I thought of a reason why I couldn't go and again eventually stopped answering her emails and phone calls. Again, what a bitch I was.

It was after that weekend that I decided to take a break because it was very obvious that I was not ready. That was probably one of my best decisions during that time. I knew that if I continued dating then I was going to end up hurting someone.

Memorial Day weekend I started dating STL. From the very beginning STL and I clicked. We had so much to talk about. In fact, there were many nights that we would talk 4-5 hours on the phone. A week after we started talking I went to St.Louis to meet her. It was one of the best weekends of my life. We had so much fun and decided that it was no coincidence that we met. We spent the next couple of weeks driving back and forth between KC and St. Louis.

Then I freaked out. I was so afraid to let myself love someone else. I knew how badly my heart had been broken and I was terrified that it was going to be hurt again. STL is one of the most loving women I know. She has a heart of gold and really just a good person.

I hurt STL. I hurt her a lot. Here she was thinking that we were planning our future and I was planning the nearest exit. It's not that I didn't want to be with STL, I was just really afraid. It was not fair to her and to this day I feel bad about it all. Even after we stopped officially seeing each other we still talked. It was STL that sent me Penelope (iPod). Penelope is one of the best gifts I have ever received. I use it every single day. STL was with me when I got my tattoo. She was the one that encouraged me and was the one that found the design. I think of her every time I look in the mirror and see my dragonfly. She has been nothing but supportive during the last 4 months.

About a month after STL and I stopped seeing each other I realized I had made a mistake. It was too late. STL was seeing someone and seemed very happy. I knew I had blown it. Here I had this great woman trying everything to get me back and to just make me happy and I couldn't let go of my fear and let her in.

When thinking back to those two women that I dated right after Laura and I broke-up I don't have any regrets. When I think back to MG and the fact that we are no longer together, I don't have any regrets. But when I think back to STL I have a lot of regrets. I would love another chance, and I hope one day I do get that chance. She would not regret it.

Letter to God~Updated

Dear God,

As you know I went home for lunch. As I let Sophie out I noticed a little bit of blood on the deck. Within 5 minutes Sophie's paw was bleeding horribly. The bleeding would not stop. I looked at her paw and saw that her nail was torn all the way to the vein. I then rushed her to the vet.

Here's what I need from you God. I need a break. I am literally on my knees begging you.

It has been one of the hardest years of my life. I have had to give away one cat and one passed away. It has been a year with nothing but loss. I try to see the bright side and see that things really aren't that bad, but I am struggling. It seems the minute I have a good day or I am feeling better...BAM....something else happens.

I am not sure how much more I can take. I have some wonderful friends that are trying their hardest to encourage me, but when I am in my quietest moments I often sit and wonder what I have done to deserve all this that continues to be thrown my way. I know from the outside looking in the things that I am dealing with may not seem that much, but when you add them all up together you end up with someone that is about at her limit.

Thank you for listening to me.

Caroline

P.S. Please be with Sophie right now while she is at the vet. She is very scared and in a lot of pain.

**Update** 4:45pm
Sophie is home from the vet and feeling a little better. Her nail broke all the way to the nerves and vein. Sophie was given some antibiotics and 2 different medications for the pain. For the next 10 days Sophie should be feeling no pain. Thank you for your prayers and I really want to thank a person (not too sure who you are) that was so generous. Your kindness was appreciated more then you will ever realize.

My Home Away From Home

Warning: Long Post

As promised here is a tour of where I work. The front of the building is the neatest, but it's on a very busy corner and I was unable to get a picture.

If you have a window you are one of the lucky ones. This is my view. I consider myself very lucky to have a window, even if it is looking out to the parking lot.
I have this sign on my wall in my office. I found it a couple years ago and the clients always get the biggest laugh from it.
Of course I have to have a KU flag. BTW, KU (University of Kansas) and MU (University of Missouri) are playing on Saturday and I guess if you are into college football it's a huge thing. I'm not really into college football, but I will still cheer on the Jayhawks.

These are pictures of my nephews. All the pictures are 3+ years old. I have no idea how my nephews look now, but to me they will always look two and three. Also, you will see that Sophie got to visit Santa last year.
My desk. What you can't see if the huge pile of paper on the corner of my desk. I wish I could figure out how to make it disappear.
It's hard to believe that I worked 5 hard years for two pieces of paper. So worth it.
I love these stairs. Our building is all brick and I just love it.
Front Lobby. I had to wait until all the clients left to take this picture. Usually it's filled with clients and very loud.

As you can see I was one of the last to leave on Wednesday afternoon. This is the back parking lot. The window to the left of the door is my office.
I probably walk this path 50 times a day. Notice the flower beds....inside? They are filled with mulch which I think it kind of weird.
This sign was bought when I was in Key West. Don't you love the name of the street?
Blast from the past. I found these magnets with all the old "don't do drugs" slogans. My favorite is "crack is whack!".
I found this TAXI sign while in Aruba. I keep saying I am going to turn it into a lamp, but 12 years later and I haven't done that yet. Maybe one day. Notice the worry stones?
Feeding my addiction to pens. How many of you have so many pens that you have to use a flower pot to put them in? Didn't think so...

I am lucky because I love my job. I work with some of the best people. My job is really hard and most say that I have one of the hardest job of our agency, but it's all worth it. Today before I went for my Thanksgiving dinner I stopped at our main building to give the techs that were working a little box of candy. The clients were taken to the main building for their Thanksgiving dinner. As I pulled up there were 2 firetrucks in front of the building. There was no fire, but we are thinking of the clients were smoking in the front lobby, which of course set off the fire alarm.

I got a free flu shot on Tuesday and boy it's hurting. I woke up Wednesday morning with my arm being so sore I thought maybe I had received a tetantis (sp?) shot instead. Two days later it's still sore and I swear the soreness is now in my collar bone. I wonder if I am having one of those weird reactions.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. When thinking of what I am thankful for, you guys were at that top of that list.

Happy Thanksgiving

Rusty

This is Rusty.

Rusty has been here for one hour and so far he has:
*Peed three times.....inside
*Gone poop......inside
*Chased 2 cats

Oh boy, it's going to be a looooong weekend.

Edited 10:30pm: He just peed on my coat. Let's pray that Rusty makes it through the weekend.

Thanksgiving Eve

Last night when I finished writing that post I decided the one thing that would make me feel better is to put out more Christmas lights. So, at 9;30pm I was in the front yard unwinding the Christmas lights that were in knots and then put them up. It did feel good and I did feel better afterwards.

I was thinking this morning about things. It's not that I miss Laura because I don't miss her. What I miss is her family. Her parents are super sweet and I just hate that they were ripped from my life. Laura's Mom has MS and I know she has not been doing good this year. I hate that Laura wants me to have nothing to do with them. I think she is afraid of what I might say to them, or what they would say to me. Laura also has 3 nephews that I was close with. It just doesn't seem fair that someone that is so cold hearted can have such a good, loving family.

The last 3 days it has been super warm in Kansas City. Sunday night it was so warm and muggy that for a few seconds I thought about turning the air back on. Today....today we are getting snow. I think today's snow is a small gift from God to me. Snow always makes me happy.

I brought my camera with me to work today and will be giving you guys a tour of where I work. You will see how messy I keep my desk and how cool our building is. I also thought it would be a good idea to have my camera with me for the drive home. It gets crazy out there when we have the first snow fall. And there is nothing better then taking pictures of idiots on the road.

Tonight Rusty is coming over and will be with us for the weekend. Rusty has never been around cats, so I am not sure how that will go. I have my squirt bottle all ready for when he takes out after the cats.

I have one thing to say to my anonymous commenter: If you do not like what you read here you need to remember that I am not forcing you to come to my blog everyday. You make that choice each time you click on my blog. Thanks to my wonderful trackers I have a pretty good idea who you are. Just remember: you make that choice 5-6 times a day.

I Really Am Trying

I really am trying to have a positive attitude.

The holidays have always been kind of hard for me. Since 2004 I have been celebrating the holidays and they were always hard because I wished I could share my joy with my family. Now that the holidays are HERE, I am trying really hard to be happy and smile even when all I want to do is cry.

About a month ago Laura said I could have the Christmas tree we bought in 2004. When I asked her if I could go pick it up at her parents house she suddenly changed her mind. When I told her that it really wasn't in the budget for me to go pick out a new tree her response was "you can get a cheap one at Walmart or Big Lots or you can just use the 2ft tree." Why is it that I am the one that has had to do all the sacrificing this year? I am the one that has had to completely change my lifestyle because of her choice. I am the one that has been left dealing with the house and all the worry of selling it. All the improvements that have been done to this house have been done by me and my friends. She has done nothing. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. Let me repeat that...nothing.

Tonight I am tired. I am tired of having to be the responsible one. I want to for once just run off and do what I want. I hate that she is able to do that with no worry or anything.

Tonight I just want a break. Even though this is not possible, I just want someone to come into my life that will say, "It's time for you to have a break Caroline." This year started out with me being laid off my job. Laura and I had planned on me taking 4-5 months off to just rest. Even that got (and excuse my language here) fucked up. Half way through my "break" she decided to go off and have an affair and leave me hanging there.

If you want to know how I really feel tonight, then listen to this song.

Yesterday

If my ex-husband and I were still married, we would have celebrated 12 years of marriage yesterday. I can't believe it's been 12 years and even more I can't believe that we have been divorced for 7 years. I was only 22 when James and I got married and was so immature. When I think about why I got married it wasn't because I was in love with James. Part of me really wanted out of my parents house and the other part felt like that was what I was suppose to do. I actually got married later then most kids my age.

I knew before James and I got married that I was making a mistake. But my Mom was so into planning the wedding and I felt like I couldn't tell them I had made a mistake. The money my parents spent on the wedding could have easily bought us a house. I still believe it was a beautiful wedding, I just wish I had had more courage to be myself back them. But then everything happens for a reason.

James is a good person and I did love him, but I was not in love with him. At the time he was very safe for me. I was not always nice to James and I can see that now. It's not that I hated him, I just hated myself.

I did think of James yesterday and I sincerely hope that he is doing good, wherever he is. The last time we spoke was our last court date in early 2001. As I sit here trying to recover from my breakup with Laura, I look forward to the day when I can look back at the time I had with her and only wish her the best. I still struggle with my anger with Laura, but seeing how I can say I wish James the best gives me hope that one day I can have those same thoughts about Laura.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have never married James. It took me 5 years to undue a 30 minute ceremony. The 5 years that James and I were married I was so unhappy. I knew I had made a mistake and I felt trapped. I am thankful that in 1999 I was finally OK with who I was and had the courage to change where my life was going.

It's All Good

Well.....it's been a nice evening. I was so exhausted from work today (it was crazy) that I was kind of hoping she would call and say she couldn't make it. But she called to make sure I was still coming over, so I decided to go. I will say that at first it was a little awkward because she was my supervisor at one point. But overall it was a very nice evening. I learned a lot more about her; what she likes to do, etc. I ended up going to her house and she has the cutest little house. It's on a hill that overlooks The Plaza which is a gorgeous shopping area in Kansas City. She has a perfect view of The Nelson Atkins Art Museum which is gorgeous at night. I could have sat on her back deck for hours. It didn't hurt that today was like spring. Even tonight it's still in the 60s and kind of muggy.

E has some really good connections in the Kansas City Gay community. She has already invited me to 3 events that are going on in the next month. I am looking forward to them since the only thing that I really know about the gay community is the bar scene. And since I am not into the bar scene I really didn't know where to look..

When I came out completely in 2004 I was in a relationship. And I was in a relationship with someone that had burned a lot of bridges in the gay community. Laura and I would have to avoid certain parts of town and I always hated that.

I don't know if E and I will have a romantic connection, but I do know I have a new friend that can show me around. One funny thing...she did ask if I still had that cute little black puppy. When I first started my practicum I found this cute little puppy running around the parking lot. I told E that the cute little puppy she was talking about was now 60lbs and still as sweet as when I got found her when she was roaming the streets in 1998.

Isn't she just adorable? I will have to tell the story of how I ended up with Sophie one day. The story is about as sweet as Sophie.

Of course dragonflies came up and E lent me a book called "Dragonfly" which is stories of different women when they came out. I can't wait to start reading it.

I hope all my friends here in bloggerland are doing good. You have no idea how I wish sometimes that I could just call one of you up and go hang out. Does anyone else wish that as well? I've been reading about Lynilu who has met 2 blogger friends in the last 2 days. I am so envious of her, but know that come March I will hopefully be able to meet 4 of my blogging FRIENDS.

OK, my cute little black puppy is demanding some of my attention.

Sweet dreams......

Crazy Monday

Most Mondays are crazy at my job, but today it seems to be even more crazy. I think since it's a short week we are all trying to get 5 days of work in 4 days and for some lucky people 3 days. For the first time in 10 years I will be working the day after Thanksgiving. I could have taken the day off, but decided to save my vacation time.

Tonight I will be meeting E for dinner. I am excited, but also a little nervous. A lot has happened in 9 years and I really don't like the person I was back then. I am hoping she doesn't remember too much about me from then. I guess the fact that she knew who I was (I had a picture on my profile and she did not) and still emailed me and gave me her phone number is a good sign.

I will try to post tonight when I get home.

My house is so quiet with Sadie gone. I could have kept her forever if M would have let me. Now it's time to get ready for Rusty to come over on Wednesday night. Unlike Sadie, Rusty is just 11lbs. Sophie seems to do better with dogs that are smaller then her.

Well, I should probably get back to work instead of blogging and surfing the net. I have a huge pile of paperwork on my desk and each time I leave my office I hope that it has magically disappeared when I return. No such luck yet.

One Thing I Do Know

I have so much I want to write about, but I am having a hard time clearing out all these thoughts.

On Friday I had another counseling session. Something did happen during the session that kind of surprised me. He was asking what I was going to do for Thanksgiving and I told him about going to a co-workers house. I had mentioned that a total of 3 co-workers had invited me over and he said, "why would they do that? do they feel sorry for you?", and then he kind of laughed. I was kind of offended. To me it was like he was saying they would only invite me over because they felt sorry for me. What do you think about his question?

I have always been sensitive. It seems that any kind of sadness in the world I feel at a very deep level. One of the things that I have been working on is not being so sensitive. I think it's good to be sensitive, but if you are overly sensitive it can end up hurting you. I think there are many times in my life that I am overly sensitive and I want to change that. When thinking about what happened during my counseling session on Friday my first thought is, "Am I just being overly sensitive?" I have no idea if I am.

My parents used to always say that I was too sensitive. But then again my Mom used to say that I had a cold heart as well. Those two things contradict themselves, so who knows.

A cold heart....When I think back to that comment from my Mom I wonder if she ever really knew who I was. If anything I would think I have a heart that is too soft at times, but not cold.

I also think back to the first boyfriend that broke up with me. I was only 15 and he was also a Jehovah's Witness. I remember his Mom and my Mom talking about the breakup. At some point his Mom said about me, "She just wants to be loved". I have always remembered what she said.

I don't think I have a cold heart and I don't know if I am being overly sensitive about things, but I do know one thing:

I just want to be loved.

7 Things

I was tagged by Julie and Kim. Here are the rules:

1. Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself
4. Tag seven random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.

So, here are 7 facts about me that you may or may not know:

1. I don't know if I will have ever kids, but in case I do I already have their names picked out. Boys: Henry or Miles Girls: Brooklyn or Alison

2. I sucked my thumb until I was 13. My parents used to try all kind of things to get me to stop, but it never affected me. I have a permanent callus on my right thumb because of the years of thumb sucking.

3. This should have been the first sign that I was gay: When I was 14 or 15 we were sitting in church and they were talking about Jesus and how he never married. I turned to my Mom and asked her if maybe Jesus was gay since he never got married. I thought my Mom was going to have a heart attack . She was so disgusted with my question that all she did was give me a dirty look and then looked away.

4. When I was in the 5th grade I wore an Adidas shirt to school. A kid came up to me and said, "Do you know what Adidas stands for?" He then told me it stood for "all day I dream about sex". To this day I have never (and will never) wear anything with Adidas on it.

5. I have this fantasy of moving away from the city, building a house in Northern Minnesota and just living off the land. Of course I would need cable and Internet, but other then that I would live off the land. :)

6. When my parents named me they had no idea what my birth moms name was. Turns out, my birth mom and I have the same middle name and spelled the same way.

7. I believe in past lives. I believe that we come back each time to learn something we didn't learn the first time. For instance: I truly believe that when my Mom comes back in another life she will be a lesbian and will understand how hard it has been for me.

I tag:

Casey
Lynilu
B
Sassy
Patti
Katie
Cheeky

Small Small World

Boy is it a small world.

After MG and I broke up I waited a week or so and put my profile back up on the website where we had met. I didn't pay for a membership again, just one of the free accounts. Earlier this week I got an email from a woman that I had been emailing back in August. In this email she gave me her phone number and said we should get together for coffee.

So I called her today. She is also a social worker and of course we had a lot in common. After about 10 minutes she asked where I got my bachelors degree. After I told her she said, "do you realize I was your supervisor at your practicum that year (1998)?" I was shocked. I immediately knew who she was. She was only my supervisor for two months because she then left the agency and I never heard from her again, well, until this year.

Want to hear something ever crazier? Two months ago when MG and I were driving around up north I saw E and knew who she was, but couldn't remember her name. I had no idea at the time that the person that I had exchanged a few emails with was my former supervisor. I think I am still in shock.

So, Monday night E and I are meeting for dinner. I am looking forward to it.

You want to hear something funny? When she was my supervisor I thought she was a bitch. I think the one that was a bitch back then was not her, but me. (Remember I was a married Jehovah's Witness robot back then)

P.S. Be sure to check out my post below to see pictures of Sadie.

Sadie

Here is a picture of Sadie. Isn't she a doll? Well, it's been an interesting 20 hours. Sadie definitely loves to cuddle and has been following me around everywhere. I can't even go to the bathroom without her right there. I think it's so cute that she is following me around. Before M brought Sadie over last night they had spent a couple hours at the new house, so by 6pm last night Sadie was sound asleep on the couch right next to me. I really think if she could get into my lap she would. I don't think she realizes how big she is.

When we went to bed last night Sadie jumped up on the bed and laid down next to me. She laid down with her head on the pillows and had her nose right next to my face. At 3am Sadie woke me up to go outside. Of course once Sadie was up, Sophie suddenly needed to go outside as well. When we got back into bed Sadie left me no room on my side of the bed. At one point she even kicked me. At 5am Sadie woke me up again. M had warned me that she will get up around 5:30am to eat, so I was expecting this. About 30 minutes later we were back in bed. At 7:30am Sadie woke me up again. I decided this time to just get up for the day. I feel like I am taking care of a newborn with her getting me up every 2 hours.

We've spent the morning mowing the yard and putting up some of the outdoor decorations. I didn't get all the decorations up because about half way through I started getting frustrated with the lights being in knots. And suddenly the lights being in knots was all Laura's fault, etc. So I decided that I can take my time putting out the decorations. There are a lot of memories associated with my Christmas decorations and most include Laura.

Hope everyone has a great Saturday.

Kindness

I am speechless again.

When I got home today there was a package from Cheeky. In it was the most wonderful scrapbook filled with pictures of Brady. I love, love, love, love, love it. It is one of the most touching gifts I have ever received. Thank you so much Cheeky. I can't describe how much this means to me and how precious this gift will always be to me.

Ms. Sadie is here. And would you believe my battery in my camera is dead? So, I will have to go out and get one tomorrow and get a new one so you can see the pretty girl that is staying with us. I think this is the first time Sophie has been around a dog bigger then her and she really isn't sure what to think. We're still in the sniffing butts stage, but I am sure in a couple hours they will be best of friends. I can already tell that come Sunday night, Sophie and Sadie are both going to be so exhausted they will have trouble staying awake. That will give Sophie 3 days to rest up before Rusty comes to stay for the holiday weekend.

How You Got Here

I often wonder how people find my blog. In the last six months I have gone private, gone public and then changed the entire name of my blog and each time I seem to have more readers. I have a couple trackers on my blog that will show how people get to my blog. Since changing the name of my blog I have a lot of people the Google about mirrors and looking at yourself in the mirror. For the past year people have been coming to my blog by googling "3A". I have no idea what that is and have tried to figure out how that has anything to do with my blog. I still have no idea. I usually have 2-3 people a day that Google 3A and then come to my blog. It's very puzzling.

My question for all of you...How did you find my blog.

With each new crisis I go through I seem to get more and more readers. I know sometimes reading my blog is like watching a train wreck and it's really hard to look away. Whatever the reason, I am glad you have found my blog and I appreciate each and every comment I get.

Colliding

I received the nicest sympathy card from the vets office today. It really touched me that they sent me a card saying how sorry they were about Brady.

I am busy cleaning my house tonight. Tomorrow when I get off work my boss is dropping off Sadie for the weekend. I normally keep my house really clean, but I feel like my house should be extra clean since my boss will be here. It"s always a weird feeling when my personal life and work life collide.

And I guess I should give Ben lots of extra love because once Sadie gets here I am sure I won't see him. I am not too worried about Bonk since she seems to have no fear now. I still have faith that Ben one day will be friendly to somebody other then me. When I first moved out of my parents house and Bonk came with me, she hid behind the microwave for 3 days. At the young age of 16, Bonk suddenly decided she was friendly and now comes out to welcome anyone that comes in the house. When we first got Bonk I was 14 and her name was Samantha. One of my brothers girlfriends left her at our house and she just sort of became part of our family. About 4 years after she had been with us we changed her name. She used to love these treats called "Bonkers"and whenever we would shake the can she would come running from wherever she was hiding. As she would jump on the counter she would hit the door on the cabinet and it would make this "bonk" sound. So, that is how she got the name Bonkers.

OK, that's enough rambling on...it's time to get cleaning.

On the Upside

Last night I did the laundry and it made me think of Brady. He used to love laying on the clean clothes when they came out of the dryer. This was the last picture I took of him when he was lay on the warm clean clothes. I love how his paw is hanging out the side. What a sweet baby.

I had the weirdest dream last night. In my dream I was desperately trying to get Laura back. It is sad how desperate I was and how I was literally begging her. During March and April I was just like that. I was literally on my knees begging her not to leave me for Sharon. It's sad now looking back on those times and even more sad how Laura could just turn away from me with no problem. This morning I am thankful that I am not at that stage anymore and I don't feel I would do anything to get her back. She's just not worth it anymore. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone that really has no connections to anyone or anything. I remember thinking it was odd that she had no problem leaving her beloved cat with me for 4 months. I can't stand being away from my babies for more then a few nights, let alone 4 months. Laura used to always say how much she loved Bonk and so it's very typical that she knew earlier in the week that I was taking Bonk to the vet and she hasn't even called to see how she is doing. When you don't have any connections in this world, it becomes a very cold place. I am thankful that I do have so many great connections and that I am not afraid to let others see the real me. Through this blog I have learned that it's OK to let others in.

I have had 3 co-workers invite me over to their house for Thanksgiving. One of the co-workers is also gay and M and her wife just adopted a baby from Central America. I think I am going to go to their house so I can finally meet their beautiful daughter. She really is a cutie.

After a long and very emotional week I am glad that I seem to be on the upswing here. It feels so good and I am going to try to hang onto this good feeling as long as I can. Oh, and since it's the weekend before Thanksgiving, it is time to put out the holiday decorations. It's going to be a very good weekend.

Angels

As you can see from this picture things are back to normal in our house. Bonk is back to bossing me around and talking to me constantly. She doesn't realize that I love when she does both. And because it seems I have only put bad pictures of Bonk on here lately, here is a good picture of her.

How can you not love that face? I am not sure if I ever shared this on my blog, but I have a small crush on the vet. She is so adorable. Laura and I used to fight over who would take the pets to the vet because we both wanted to see this vet. Well, last night she gave Bonk such a cute little nickname. One of the places Bonk is missing a lot of hair is around her butt. When the vet took Bonk out of the kennel she said, "What a cute Naked little girl". So naked little girl is Bonks new nickname.

I have so many angels around me right now. And those angels are each of you that are reading this blog. Today when I got home there was a package from Lynilu. In it was this handmade soap. I absolutely love it. I love it so much I am not sure I will ever use it. Thank you Lynilu. And for those other angels that have helped me in another way, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have no idea how thankful I am. Not in just what you are doing to help me, but I am thankful that you have allowed me to be part of your lives. And for all you that are my angels, here is a song just for you. I love you guys.

Results

I just talked with the vet and Bonk has very "boring" lab results. The vet seemed very surprised that at her age everything came back so normal. The only thing she is concerned about it her possible heart murmur that she heard yesterday. But she said overall Bonk is very healthy for a 20 year old cat. I am so relieved. I must be doing something right.

Last night after the vet I ran out to Sonic because they have these new things called "Mac & Cheese Bites". Oh. My. God. They are so good. It's little bites of Mac & Cheese that are fried. Nothing healthy about them, but boy are they good. You really shouldn't try them because they are kind of addictive.

My meeting with my boss and that one tech went really well. My boss is so good at smoothing things over. I apologized to this tech that we got off on the wrong foot and asked if we could start over and start fresh. She agreed. It was odd because during most of the meeting the tech was talking about me like I wasn't sitting 2 feet from her. Oh well..I am just happy that we have come to some truce.

In two days Sophie and I will be hosting Sadie, my boss' dog. Sadie will be with us for a couple days and I have yet to tell Sophie about this. I am pretty sure they will get along and probably be worn out from playing. One of my other boss' got word that I was watching M's dog and asked if I could watch his dog Rusty (I just love the names people give their dogs) over Thanksgiving. I seem to be becoming a great dog watcher.

Speaking of names we give our pets....What are some of the names you have given your pets. A couple crazy ones I have had are:
Fluffbucket
Graffiti
Shaggs

She's OK, I'm OK

This isn't the best picture of Bonk, but we were both under stress when I took it. The good news is the vet is 90% sure it's just skin allergies. She did take some blood and urine to test her Thyroid and kidney function. We should have the results back tomorrow. Bonk got a shot to help with the itching, so hopefully she will start to feel better soon. The vet did say that for Bonks age she was looking really good. It had been a year since she had been to the vet and Bonk did loose about 3 pounds, but the vet said that was very typical in older cats.

Before I left work I had a mini meltdown. I got a call from a creditor and the lady was so freakin rude to me. I told her I could afford a certain amount a month (which I really can't) and she would only accept double the amount. I explained to her my situation and she really didn't care. I told her at this point it would be easier if I died and my life insurance paid everything. Her response was, "unless you are planning on dying in the next few minutes that won't work." Bitch. I understand it's her job, but I was trying to work with them and it wasn't good enough. After I got off the phone with this person I just lost it. Lost it. I called in my one my favorite co-workers and she gave me some good ideas as to what to do. I think my only choice at this point since I am getting very little help from Laura is to call a credit counseling agency. I know it will hurt my credit in the short term, but I really don't have a choice.

On the way home from the vet I called the bank that is financing my car. In May I was able to get my payment deferred and they said that I am eligible for another deferment. I just need to call the day after my payment is due and hopefully get it set up. I think with all the vet bills I have had I should qualify. At least the guy on the phone said I should be able to qualify.

Breathe in, Breathe out....and somehow I keep putting one foot in front of the other. And I thank you all for being there for me. I couldn't get through this without you guys.

P.S. Several of you have encouraged me to add a Paypal icon. Above my profile you will see a link to Paypal. This was hard for me to do, but I know several of you are wanting to help. And for that....I am thankful.

Appointment

Bonk and I have an appointment with the vet at 5:15pm today. I talked with the receptionist who said I could make payments. I am thankful for that.

I was thinking this morning that the missing patches of hair could also be skin allergies. At least I am hoping that is what it is.

I was looking at her last night and was worried that if something happened and she passed away without taking her to the vet then it would look like I had neglected her since her hair looks so bad. I think I am just afraid to take her to the vet because not knowing is easier then knowing at this point. But she seems uncomfortable and that is too hard to watch now.

I am thankful that I have all of you. You guys gave me some great ideas and I really appreciate you guys.

I am sorry if I have been kind of MIA in terms of commenting on blogs lately. At some point everything has to calm down and hopefully I can get back to normal in terms of blogging and commenting.

Things at work are so busy. I am getting ready for a meeting with my boss and that one tech that is giving me so much trouble. I am a little worried about this meeting because I have no idea what this tech is going to say. And I am not in mood for any of her crap, so I am hoping I can keep it together enough so I don't loose my job today. :)

I will write an update tonight after Bonk and I get home from the vet.

Full Plate

I can't believe I am already having to deal with this, but I am worried about my cat Bonk. Bonk is 20 and her health has really gone down hill in the last 3 months. She is losing weight, losing hair and pretty much sleeps all day. When she is not sleeping she is meowing like she doesn't remember where she is. She has huge patches of hair missing all over her body and I have no idea what is going on with that. I wish I could take her to the vet, but I just can't afford it right now. You have no idea how guilty I feel about not being able to take her to the vet.

I am trying not to turn my blog into one huge pity party, but I really need a break here. If it's not one thing it's another. When things would come up when Laura and I were together I always knew things were going to be OK because we had each other. Being alone makes everything so much harder. I don't have someone else that can take over when I am tired. I don't have someone that can help me think of solutions. I have to do it all on my own and it's really hard.

I keep hanging on thinking that things have got to get better, but instead of getting better I just have more crap thrown on my plate. Three months ago my plate was full. Now it's literally overflowing onto the floor. I keep reminding myself that God will not give me more then I can handle, but seriously...I think I have all I can handle right now.

To deal with everything I have been doing some things that are really unhealthy. I am just now realizing that these things are not working and actually making things worse, but I need some help and I don't know how to ask for help. I think I am afraid to ask for the help that I need. I don't want to be a burden on others and I don't want to be looked at like I am weak.

You know that saying, If a tree fell and no one was around, would it make a sound? My question is lately has been, If I fell and no one was around would there be a sound and would anyone notice?

Comparing Years

Being that I am a social worker and work with people every day that are depressed, you would think I would not be so ashamed to admit that I am depressed. I know I should not be ashamed, but part of me is still thinking that I should be able to handle this on my own. Even though I can explain to others that depression is a chemical problem and nothing they can control, I still think it's something I should be able to get a handle on. Even though I would never judge someone that suffers from depression, I judge myself daily.

The first time I remember being depressed was when I was 14 or 15. It wasn't until I was 16 that I finally asked for help. I am thankful that my parents did get me help and for a while I did really well. Just like my parents, I didn't realize that this was something I would need to continue to treat.

With everything that has happened this year I think I have just tried to survive. Considering everything, I think I have done pretty good. I still think it's a miracle that I get up each morning, get dressed and head out to work. I really don't know how this has happened, but according to everyone at work I am doing a wonderful job. Sometimes when I am told how good of a job I am doing, I look around like they must be talking about someone else.

In 2002 I was severely depressed. It was really bad. Looking back at those times and comparing them to this past year, I can see how much stronger I am. I can see how 2002 prepared me for this year. In 2002 I had the full support of my family and church, but there was probably a couple months where I literally would not get out of bed for days. Even though what I have gone through this past year is a lot more intense then 2002, I have still managed to get out of bed every day.

I know there are so many of you out there that know what I am going through. I appreciate all your encouraging words to me. When I think back to 20o2, it is very clear as to what helped me get through those times. When I think back on all I have gone through this year, it is very clear that it was you that helped me. And I thank each of you.

First Step

I am depressed.

Saying those words makes it real now. It means that I need to do something about it. I have been telling myself that I am just dealing with a horrible break-up and it's OK to be down, but it's been 8+ months now and this is no longer about the break-up.

Seeing a therapist a couple times a month is not enough. My therapist John and I have talked about me going to see a psychiatrist to get evaluated. Trying to figure out how to come up with the $50 co-pay only makes me more depressed. How in the world did I get to this point where I am having trouble coming up with $50?

I've admitted that I am depressed and I just need to figure out what to do now.

Friday Makes Everything Better

Thank you for your wonderful comments in my previous post. One thing I have realized is I did not deal with things three years ago when I was first disowned. I thought I had, but in reality I had not. When the break-up happened it brought forth all those feelings I had not dealt with. So, thank you for being supportive in my process of dealing with all that has happened.

I have this one tech that just can't stand me. I have tried and tried to work with her, but nothing is working. This morning this tech completely lost it with me. She was yelling and pointing her finger at me. I think I was in shock that she was talking to me that. Even though she is a huge pain, I know I am learning a lot from all of this.

Here are some pictures from this week.
Bonk has become so vocal in the last week. Every time she looks at me she lets out a big meow. Yesterday when I came home at lunch I found Sophie and Bonk sound asleep on the bed. I love that they keep each other company while I am gone.
In the past week, Ben has also become more cuddly. Ben has always loved to cuddle, but this week it's almost annoying. Whenever I get on the computer he has to be right next to me with his head on my arm. It's almost as if he just has to see what I am looking at online.
There are several things in this picture that say a whole lot about me. First is the website I am on. I am addicted to Perez Hilton. I probably check out his site ten times a day. The second is Bonk. Not a great picture of her, but as you can see she is never far from me. The third is what's on TV. Can you guess what I am watching?
Last night I went to pick up my phone and there was a lady bug on it. I have no idea where this lady bug came from,but it appeared very comfortable on my phone.

Truth on Sadness

Sometimes when I get very sad about my parents I stop and think what I am really sad about. Am I sad that my family won't talk to me for the simple fact that I am gay, or am I sad because I actually feel a sense of relief being away from my family? I think I go back and forth as to where my sadness is coming from. At times when I am really down and need support am I sad because I don't have family to always count on, or am I sad because my family was never that safe place to go?

I am not sure why my parents decided to have children. Maybe they felt that it was they were suppose to. As I am sitting here trying to heal I am wishing my parents had thought about their decision to have children a little more. I wish they had realized how important that job is. Did they realize the affect they would have on their children? Did they realize each word they spoke to me would be repeated in my head for years?

I never felt important to my family. When I was a child I was told many times that I was the good one. When you say that to a child they think that means they always have to be good and perfect. No child should feel that they always have to be good and never make any mistakes. When I was 10 and my brother started abusing me I didn't feel important enough to say something. At that time I would rather take on all the shame and guilt then have my brother (and family) deal with it. Four years later when I finally had the courage to say something to my Mom her reaction was; how could that have happened? you didn't have anything to feel up? I was not important enough to believe and to be protected. My parents didn't believe it at first. When they finally did accept it the damage had been done. Even to this day I doubt if they actually believe me or just said that to shut me up. It worked because after that day I didn't tell them anything. I felt that if they had truly believed me they would have taken me for therapy, taken my brother to therapy or asked him to leave. Nothing happened. We went on like a perfect family.

Yes to my family I was the good one. I never complained about anything. I never let them know I was unhappy. Little did they know that I was slowly dying inside. But somehow I would hang on for another 15 years.

So when I am sad about my family it's not because I miss my family. I am sad that I never really had a chance with my family. I am sad that they are not what they think they are. I am sad that I can't say to others with pride, this is my family.

They will never get it: I just wanted to be loved and made to feel important.

Don't Go Away Mad....

....Just go Away!!!

I got a call this morning from the agency that notifies you when your house is going to be shown. This is the first time I got a call from them. I was kind of shocked, but had enough sense to ask who the realtor was. Turns out it was my Mom's sister who is a realtor. This isn't a distant aunt that I barely knew, but someone that was like a second Mother to me. I informed the agency that I did not want her showing the house, if she even had someone to show the house to. I am guessing my family is just being nosey and wants to see what the inside of the house looks like now.

I then decided to drive home anyway to make sure that my aunt did not show up. And because I am so good with remembering numbers, I called my aunt on her cell phone. When she answered I told her who I was and would you believe she had the nerve to say, "Who?". When she realized who I was I asked her if she actually had someone to show the house to or if she just wanted to see the inside. She said she did have an investor that would like to see the house. I told her that is fine, but she would need to arrange it with my realtor because I would need to be there. Her response was, "it will be your loss." I am guessing this so-called investor is my Mom. I emailed my realtor and gave him her name and said I would need to be there if she ever wants to show the house.

I don't bother them. I have accepted that they want nothing to do with me and find my life disgusting. But why do they keep popping up in my life when I least expect it. I wish they would just leave me alone.

I called Lynilu to tell her what was going on and we kind of laughed about how happy I am that I am not related to them by blood. I know my birth mom probably suffered from depression and I would much rather deal with a mental illness then a personality disorder. Because here's the thing: you can treat a mental illness, but there is no treatment for someone with a fucked up personality.

Recharge

I am feeling so fat this morning. I had to dress up since the state is here doing an audit. Normally I can wear jeans or something comfy, but not today. I just feel so fat!

I am a little disappointed in myself because I have put on about 7 pounds in the past six months. And since the breakup I have put on a total of about 12 pounds. Well, let me correct that...when the breakup first happened I lost 15 pounds in the first couple of weeks. I was able to maintain for a while, but now I seem to be putting it back on.

Over the summer I had to cancel my membership to the gym since I couldn't afford it and I really wasn't going. Now I am wishing I had the money to get another gym membership. I am really wanting to exercise. I may have to look at my finances again to see if I can afford the $30/month it would cost.

I know exercise would really help my moods. I woke up this morning feeling depressed and down. I know if I was exercising on a regular basis it would help not only my physical health, but my mental health as well. I just want to feel right again.

During the month of January I felt really good. I was working out at least 5x a week and eating well. As I sit here today I feel that all my good work was for nothing because here I am putting weight back on and feeling pretty cruddy.

I think I also just want a break. So much has been thrown at me in the last year that I am mentally just worn out. It's days like this where I wish my family was there so I would have a place to go to recharge. And I am not sure if my family actually recharged me, so maybe I am wishing I had the kind of family where you can go to recharge. When I go home in the evenings I do feel recharged, but there are times also where I wish I didn't have to do all the work myself. It is extremely hard encouraging yourself on a daily basis. It's days like this where I wish I could tap into someones positive energy.

I really need for someone to say to me today that for just a few hours they will take all my problems and worries away for me. Even though this is not possible, I can still hope.

Crush

I have a crush on___________________.

My Neighborhood

I had to run home during lunch time today and while I was in my neighborhood I ran into the grocery store. I really do not like the little grocery store that is closest to my house. They do not have a good selection of things and the staff are always rude. Today was no different. The only thing the cashier said to me today was, "are you done with my pen?" I don't think she even looked at me. This is why I drive 20 minutes to a different grocery store. Then I decided to stop at Subway. As I pulled up I was kind of shocked at the store right next to the Subway. I am not sure why I was shocked, but I was. Here is a picture of the store:

The pictures under the KC and FRONTS are of teeth. I am so relieved to have found this place because I was just thinking of getting a couple gold teeth. How do you think I would look? Nevermind.....

Smile.

One Voice

When I started this blog 2+ years ago I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I know I have shared this before, but I started my blog because I was bored at work. My blog has gone through many different transformations and it has been interesting watching this happen.

It used to be that whenever something would happen in my life, the first person I wanted to call was my Mom. Now when something happens my first thought is, I need to blog about this.

This blog has allowed me to find my voice. For the first thirty years of my life I couldn't find my voice. Things would happen and I would not say anything. When I did want to say something I didn't think anyone wanted to hear what I had to say. I kept everything to myself. Growing up I was the quiet child. My Mother used to always tell me that I was such a good baby and even started sleeping through the night at two weeks. My brother was a hand full. He was always giving my parents trouble and somewhere I learned that I just needed to be quiet. So that is what I did. I rarely let my voice be heard.

As I sit here today I am thankful that I have finally found my voice. Who would have guessed my voice would have been found within a blog? Although, sometimes I feel like my blog has taken on a life of it's own and I am just along for the ride.