Throw Me A Lifesaver

About a month ago Laura asked me how things were going with STL and I. I gave her the standard "fine" answer because I have learned to keep as many of my personal details from her. For some reason I really don't want her knowing what is going on with my dating life. She then told me that Sharon had been asking what was going on. She told me that Sharon had a nosey side to her and she was really missing hearing what was going on with me because it was like a soap opera. That conversation with Laura is part of the reason I decided to stop talking to Laura unless it had to do with the house and one of the reasons my blog went private. My life is not a soap opera. These are my emotions and feelings, not some made up characters.

When I first started blogging I would write about anything and sometimes everything. It's as if I could not fathom the idea that once it's out there...it's out there and there is nothing you can do to take it back. This is another reason I decided to make my blog private. I want to control (at least for now) who reads my blog.

So this brings me to the last 24 hours. I probably spent more then 1/2 of the last day crying. To say it's been a rough day is an understatement. As many of you read in my post from yesterday I was having a rough time. By 1:00pm most of the people at work realized I was not in a good mood. I thought for sure my day would get better once I got off work.

When I got home there was a message on my answering machine. It was from the people that are renting/buying the house. All the message said was "We really need to talk to you about the house and the bad news we have". My heart literally sank. I really didn't want to call because I did not want to know exactly what the bad news was.

I did call them and they said they might need to back out of the deal. I was in shock and really didn't know what to say. I don't want to go into the details about their reason, but as you probably know I was already stressed. This sent me into a tailspin emotionally. A couple of hours after the first conversation I talked with the couple again. They agreed that since they had already signed the contract and paid 1/2 of their $5000 deposit they would move in. I was still in so much shock that I did not ask the right questions or get that reassurance I so desperately needed from them.

Here I am 2 days away from signing a lease on an apartment and they are talking about backing out of the deal. This couple was planning on moving into the house on Sunday, so that is 3 days after I sign the lease and move all my stuff out. If they back out I am screwed. Not only am I responsible for a mortgage, but now I am stuck in a 12 month lease AND my stuff is already moved out of the house.

Last night I was angry. I was so angry at Laura for leaving me to deal with all of this with NO support from her. She has said all along that she never wanted to leave me "high and dry" in regards to money. She has been comparing this break-up and the one between me and my ex-husband. I so desperately want to tell her that at least with James I did not have to sell my house. Note to self: work on this anger issue

I spent most of the night talking with STL about my options. She did a wonderful job at calming me down and trying to reassure me that it will all be OK and will work out the way it's suppose to work out.

But I still worried. I woke up at 6am today and immediately emailed Laura and told her the situation and that she needed to help me with this because I could not handle this on my own. Laura did call me and took some of the responsibility of finding out for sure what is going on.

In the end the couple are still moving in. I told them that they would need to have the first months payment to me first thing Friday morning (It would be Thursday, but they don't get paid until Friday AM) before I move out. I am going to try to delay the signing of the lease until they make the payment.

This morning I sat at my desk and prayed to God. I asked for strength, guidance and understanding.

Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. When things started to finally look up it seems the carpet was almost pulled out from underneath me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve good things to happen to me because the minute they happen it seems like there is something bad right around the corner that just shows I did not deserve that good thing anyway. (Reminds me of the song Ironic)

My attitude is a lot better then it was last night and this morning. And I am sorry that I have dragged all of you along for this pity party. I guess this is just one of those days where I need a little extra support and encouragement. We all have days like that and I should not feel like a burden or bad for asking for that extra help.