Not only is it rainy here in Kansas City, but for some reason my heart feels all sad and gloomy as well.
My positive attitude about myself and my life seem to have disappeared in the last couple of days. I am working hard at regaining that positive attitude and confidence. There are moments when it seems like an uphill battle that I wonder if I will ever actually win. But what keeps me going is the faith in myself that I will make it and come out at the other end a better person.
I think part of what is going on is the fact that Laura is back in town. She has officially moved to Shreveport to be with her. She had to come back into town for a few days for work as well as to pick up some more of her things from the house. She is staying with her parents, which is a very good thing. But part of me wants to tell her to get all of her stuff out NOW that way I don't have to relive this whole experience every time she is back in town. And the fact that every time I walk upstairs I have see the spare room that is filled with all her stuff brings it all back. I need the courage to be more assertive for what is best for me and not worry about her reaction. It's been two months since the breakup, you would think that would be enough time for her to get her stuff out.
I wish there was a magic pill that I could take for courage, assertiveness and confidence. I was never taught that as a child and if I am ever blessed with a child, the above three will the most important thing I teach that child, besides love of course.
I think what else has me in a funk today is the comments I got from my last post. As much as I appreciate the concern that is being shown for me, I feel getting out there and meeting people would be the best thing for me. Before Laura I was not really into the gay community, so knowing where to meet quality people is something I struggle with. I know where to go for a "booty" call, but I am seeking something so much more then that.
I hope tomorrow is sunny because my attitude always seems to be better when the sun is on my face.
6 comments:
Dragging this out (which i'm sure neither of you are intending to do) is most definitely getting you down.
Seeing her things - the things that remind you of what once was, the things that remind you of the good times, the things that broke your heart, the things you know are leaving soon which requires another one of those hard transitions - has got to be hard.
Your home has changed drastically in the past couple of months. It will change again when all of her stuff is gone. That is emotionally really difficult! I remember when my ex and I split. It was so *real* when the physical space around me had changed that much. More than anything, I needed that transition - that moving of stuff - to be over so I could move forward.
I think Trop said it well in her comment to your last post. Right now you need to be SELFISH. Look out for CAROLINE and don't worry about what others think. That stuff is bugging you so it needs to go. Also- be sure to give yourself credit for all the heavy lifting you've been doing. It's ok to have a down day- a lot has happened. ((hugs))
I would tell her that she needs to move her stuff out. It is hard to heal when you encounter the things she owned everyday? Do you you have a basement? I would give her a timeframe to have it out. She moved it's her problem to get it out. The sooner the better for you.
Your revenge in all this-- Shreveport, Louisiana. I assure you, she will regret that she's in Shreveport...
You know, Caroline, I may sound like a total bitch for saying this, but she fucked you over, and you're being way too nice to her. If she's moved out, and her stuff is hard to see, then tell her she needs to get it out now. She can take it to her parent's house, put it in storage, whatever, but get it out. If she doesn't, then put it on the lawn, she'll move it fast that way. She's the one who made the choices here, not you, she can deal with the consequences or negative impact on the ease of her "new life."
For what it's worth, I think "booty calls" are lame. You deserve FAR MORE than that.
I completely agree with Sassy and I'm sure I'll sound like a bitch too.
Caroline, I know you don't know me but I read your blog every day. As an outsider looking in, I have to comment. You talk of this confidence you've gained and you have come so far! We all can see that. So don't allow her to continue to have control over you through her things. Empower yourself, tell her to get her stuff by the weekend or you will leave it on the lawn. It's supposed to be nice this weekend, you should get to enjoy it without being bogged down with her stuff and all the baggage that goes along with it. It takes two to make a relationship work and she wasn't willing to do her part. She cheated on you, deceived you, took (and it taking) advantage of you and does not deserve your continued kindness until she takes some ownership. The least she can do is get her stuff out of your house. She made her choices (shitty as they were), now it's time for Laura to accept that there are responsibilities and consequences that go along with those choices. She doesn't get her to have her cake and eat it too.
Empower yourself to make decisions that are good for YOU. YOU! That's the important person here. I promise you'll feel better for doing so. Best luck Caroline.
Kelly in KC
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