The Best Kind of Love

I never thought I was co-dependant, but I was wrong. I have done a lot of reading on co-dependency in the past few months and boy am I co-dependant. You would think that since I am a social worker I would know certain behaviors to avoid since they are unhealthy. But, I did not. I am probably a social worker because I am co-dependant. But like the saying goes, it's easier to tell someone else what is wrong rather then looking at yourself and seeing what you need to change.

The last two months I had no other choice but to look deep inside of myself and see how I contributed to the breakdown of my relationship with Laura. It was not an easy thing to do and I avoided doing that for days and even weeks. But if I want to move into a healthy relationship I had to examine myself from the inside out.

This examination has been a difficult path, but one that I am very thankful for. I feel blessed that I have the opportunity to see what I need to change and then make those changes.

In looking back through my life I can see how co-dependency has played a major role in my relationships. When I was 10 years old my Mom and I were getting ready to go to Minnesota to pick up my Grandma who was sick. My Mom had been arguing with my brother and was very upset as we were getting ready to leave. I remember sitting there trying to console my Mother and I remember telling her "everything will be ok". As a ten year old child I should not have felt like I needed to take care of my Mother. But that pattern continued until just three years ago. For some reason I always felt that I needed to take care of my parents emotionally. I did what they wanted me to because I did not want to cause any problems for them. The minute I did something that was wrong, I immediately tried to change my behavior for them. I believe this is part of the reason it took me so long to finally admit that I was gay. I was terrified of what it would do to my parents when I should have been putting myself and my feelings first.

It's hard loving yourself more then someone else. It's so much easier to love and take care of someone else then it is yourself. Why is self love so hard?

Each day I find something that I love about myself and I think that thought all day. Slowly, but surely I am finding that self-love is the best kind of love you can have.