10 Things

I was going to write a post about how overwhelmed I am feeling, but then I read Katie's post on 10 things she is thankful for and I snapped out of feeling sorry for myself. So here are 10 things I am thankful for:

1. My job. It's a very stressful job, but I work with some really great people. I really think this job saved my life. It gave me a reason to get up on the morning. I sent my resume here while I was in New Mexico visiting Lynilu and as many of you know when I was visiting Lynilu I was probably at one of my lowest points. I am very thankful for my job and the people I work with.

2. Sophie, Ben and Bonk. The three of them give me love when I need it, kisses when I really need them (and sometimes when I don't need them) and love me. Brady used to always greet me at the top of the stairs when I would come home in the evening. Last night when I came in Bonk was at the top of the stairs to greet me. I love her for that.

3. My friends. They remind me that I am worth the fight.

4. My home. It may not be much and others may not want to buy it, but I think it's a pretty neat house.

5. Music. I can always count on my music to lift me up, remind me of good times and to just make me smile. There is nothing better then listening to my iPod and singing at the top of my lungs.

6. Cooler Weather. I am so glad that summer is gone. Today's high was only in the 40s and I love it. I can't wait for the first snow. (sorry Katie)

7. My health. Everyone is sick here at work and even though I don't always feel great, I have managed to avoid the horrible cold/flu that is going around here at work.

8. The Amazing Race. I love that show and I am thrilled that it's back on TV.

9. My Christmas Tree. Laura told me today that I will probably get the Christmas tree. She originally took it, but doesn't want to take it back to Shreveport, so I get to have it. I am so happy. It made me a little sad thinking she got my very first Christmas tree.

10. Brady. I am thankful that I got 11 loved filled years with him.

Wow, that really did work. I feel so much better. Thanks Katie.

Your Song

Most of you know that I love music. Music has always played a huge role in my life. The last few weeks U2's song Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get out Of has been the song I listen to when I need to be reminded that things aren't that bad. I have listened to this song a lot in the last few weeks. Not only is it an awesome song, but the video is pretty good as well. You can watch it HERE. I do encourage you to watch it because it's pretty powerful.

My question to all of you is: What song do you listen to when you need a little reminder that it will all be OK?

Still Missing Brady

Sleeping at night is just not the same without Brady around. I had no idea how much he actually slept with me at night. Now I start the night out with Bonk and Ben, but usually when I wake up they are no where in sight. Brady used to always be right there when I feel asleep and was always there when I woke up. God I miss that orange fur ball.

Today at work everyone was asking how Friday went so I had to relive the whole experience again today. Thankfully I did not start crying when I was telling my coworkers about it. I had not told my boss about it on Friday because I just couldn't talk about Brady without crying. I guess she heard about it and came to my office first thing this morning to ask how I was doing. She did tell me that there must be something really good for me next year since this year has been hell. I am hoping so.

A week from Friday my boss is moving to a new house and I asked what she was going to do with her dog while she moved. Well, by the end of the conversation I offered to watch her dog for two days. I am excited about this because it will give Sophie someone her own size to play with. I have yet to tell Sophie that she will be having a sleepover with Sadie in a few weeks. I think it will be fun and I can't wait to take pictures of Sophie and Sadie playing.

Tonight I am going to a friends house for dinner. Hey, last night I made chicken and dumplings in my crock pot and it turned out great. It was so good that I brought leftovers (which I hate) for lunch. Miracles do happen.

Sunday Morning Walk

This morning Sophie and I went for a walk. I know she had really enjoyed all the walks she went on when we were living with MG. I was reminded why I hate walking in my neighborhood. Within a few minutes the dog from next door was following us and doing nothing but barking. It's a small dog and Sophie could have clearly eaten this dog with one bite, but I hate how most of my neighbors ignore the leash law. We passed a few houses where there were dogs chained up and one of them I thought was going to break off it's chain and come after us. From now on Sophie and I will have to go to the park to walk.

I took my camera with me to capture some of the pretty fall colors. Do you know how hard it is holding a camera still when you have a dog that does not want to stop?

On our walk we passed several houses that are in foreclosure. Being the nosey neighbor that I am I walked right up to several of them to see if I could see inside. This house was suppose to be auctioned off, but with the sign up I am guessing they did not get any buyers. Opening bid...$1000 and the house is not sold? That's pretty bad. If a house won't even sell for $1000, I guess I should not be surprised that my house is not selling.

I went in the backyard of this house because I can see it from my house and I wondered how bad the backyard actually was. It was disgusting and I swear something bit me on the leg. There was so much junk and trash in the backyard. Several windows were knocked out, beer cans all over the backyard and lots of fast food wrappers. I wonder if someone is actually staying in the house?

It's sad that so many people have neglected their houses. My neighborhood used to be so nice and I hope one day people start taking more pride in their homes.

Sunday Rant

How can you tell it's daylight savings time? I am up on a Sunday morning at 6:45am blogging. I am sure that extra hour of sleeping will come in handy tomorrow morning.

I am not sure why I didn't write about this a month ago when it happened, but here goes. About a month ago Laura told me that she was going to start sending me a little bit of money each month to help with the mortgage. She told me that she wanted to look back on this situation and know she did the right thing. I guess the first 7 months didn't really count to her. I don't know. I am extremely thankful that she is helping me. But it also makes me a little angry at myself. I am angry that I have allowed myself to get in a situation where I can't pay all my basic bills without the help of someone else.

I am trying to figure out how I am going to get myself out of this situation and I can't see how it will all work out. Well, if the house sells that would help, but I don't expect that to happen for a while. Thursday night there was a part on the news about all the foreclosures in the KC area. There were 3 zip codes that are considered hot spots in regards to foreclosures. My zip code was one of them. During September there were 83 houses in my zip code in foreclosure. Holy crap that is a lot of houses. No wonder my house is not selling and we aren't having any lookers. I am just thankful that Lynilu sold her house when she did, otherwise she could have been in the same situation as I am.

When I think about Laura and her life now I get very angry. I know the grass always seems greener on the other side, but I really think it is in this case. I see Laura getting whatever she wants, going on all kinds of trips and having NO money issues. Then there is me. Because of the situation with Brady I only have $20 to get me through until Friday. And I still need to get gas. Ugh.

I am so embarrassed that I am in this situation. I am not spending money on crazy stuff and eating out a lot, I am just getting the basic things. And even then I struggle. If I had a true emergency where I needed some money I have no idea what I would do. And that really scares me.

I have never been in a situation like this and I am trying to figure it all out. I know one way or another it will work out, but boy it's stressful. I've thought about a part time job, but the job I have now keeps me busy 24/7. And to be honest, I am not sure if I have the energy to work another job in the evenings or weekends.

OK, that's the end of my rant for this Sunday morning.

Saturday Stuff

I went out to breakfast with a friend of mine and it was nice having one of my IRL friends understand what I am feeling. I have one friend that just doesn't get it and that is OK, but that doesn't make me any less sad.

I was thinking yesterday how in the last 8 months I have gone from being in a house with 5 cats and one dog to now a very quiet house of 2 cats and one dog. That's a lot of goodbyes in one year. I have such a big empty feeling in my heart that Brady once filled. And I swear my mind is playing tricks on me. I keep thinking that I see him. All of last night I would think I saw him and look and it was one of the other cats. Then out of nowhere today I realized that I no longer need to buy the expensive cat food I had been buying. Brady had a very sensitive stomach and I was buying food that was easy on his stomach. It makes me sad that I no longer have to buy that food. Each time I come in the door I think of Brady. He always wanted to go outside, but because of my crazy neighborhood he rarely was outside. I hope wherever he is now he is running out in the open and eating lots of grass. :)

I took the above picture this afternoon of my favorite tree. I love the bright red it turns in the fall. This is the first year that I have been able to use my fancy camera for a close up shot. I am sure in a few weeks all the leaves will be gone and before I know it snow will be covering the tree. I can't wait for the first snow. Speaking of winter-Christmas: two local radio stations have already started playing Christmas music. One started on Halloween and the other the next day. I am not sure what is crazier...the fact they are already playing Christmas music or the fact that I am listening to it.

Still

Thank you for all your kind comments. I felt each hug that was sent to me. Thank you.

When I got off work I went home and spent about an hour with Brady. Brady was always wanting to go outside, so this afternoon I let him spent about 30 minutes in the yard. He really enjoyed all the grass he ate.

I decided not to put him in the crate for the car ride. He really likes riding in the car and loves it when he is able to look out the window. So I put him on the passenger seat and true to form, he looked out the window the entire drive. It's not too often that you see a cat looking out a car window as you drive by.

When it was time I put my head right in front of his and looked him in the eyes. I was the last thing he saw before he became still. I am not sure how to say this, but it was amazingly beautiful.

Before I left the vet gave me a clear Christmas ball that was filled with some of Brady's fur. They then wrote his name and 2007 on it. They did this when my dog Casey passed away and I put it on the tree each year. I like having this remembrance for Brady and Casey.

I was reminded today that things happen for a reason. There is a reason I couldn't find a home for Brady when I thought I was moving. He needed these 4 months with me and I am forever thankful for the 11 years I had with him.

Goodbye my Friend

I have been trying for two days not to think about what will happen this afternoon. I have to try to function at work and just thinking about this precious baby makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. I have to pretend like I care about things going on at work, but the truth is I don't care right now. I am anxious for 2:30 to get here so I will have a couple days off, but there is part of me that wishes this day would last forever.

Brady has been an amazing buddy the last 11 years. There is so much about him that I will miss. I will miss seeing him at the top of the stairs when I get home. I will miss pulling up the house and seeing him looking at the front window. It's as if he knew what time I was coming home because he is always in the front window when I pull in. I will miss hearing him purr next to me at night. I will miss so much.

As hard as it will be on me to be there with him as he crosses the Rainbow Bridge, I can't imagine being anywhere else.

I love you Brady. Thank you for loving me.

I put all my pictures of Brady into an album on my flickr account. You can see them HERE.

Damn!

Brady has been throwing up since yesterday.

Just a few minutes ago he threw up again and it was only blood.

Please say some prayers. I am going to take him to the vet tomorrow and I know what they are going to tell me. I'm not sure if I am ready to hear it yet.

This just breaks my heart and makes me very sad.

**Edited**
I called the vet this morning, but the vet that has been working with Brady is not in the office today. I am going to call her tomorrow morning and go from there. Thank you for your prayers.

Happy Halloween

Sophie bug wants to wish you a Happy Halloween. I am not sure why, but I love this costume a lot more then she does.

Would you believe I have never dressed up for Halloween. My memories of Halloween are getting out of school early and hanging out at home. My boss knows how much I love Little House on the Prairie and she said I should have dressed up as Laura Ingalls Wilder this year. I told her that the only way I would dress up as a country girl was if she would call me "Half Pint" all day. She laughed so hard I thought she was going to pee her pants. I went online and found a Laura Ingalls costume, but my boss insists she can make one for me next year. I told her we will talk next year.

I see Halloween as the official kick off for the Holiday season. So, let the holidays begin.

Be safe tonight.

This & That

Today was the perfect fall day in Kansas City. I love the kind of weather where it's cold in the morning and then in the low 70s in the afternoon. I took this picture while looking out my sunroof. This is the first car where I have had a sunroof and I will probably never get a car without one now. My Mom has always had convertibles, but I have never been a fan of them because of how windy it can get.

I think I feel a little better then yesterday. I slept another 9 hours last night, so I am hoping all this sleep is helping in some way. Patti asked why I have so many germs at work. I work in a drug/alcohol treatment center and many of our clients are homeless. So when they come in they brings lots of things with them. I literally walk around with hand sanitizer because of all the germs. When I first started my boss told me that until I build up my immune system I could expect to be sick a lot the first year. I got a horrible cold my second week, but since then I have been pretty healthy. Knock on wood.

Today I had to take one of my techs to the doctor after she got injured. As I sat in the waiting room I started reading a magazine. I am a little concerned because I found 2 recipes that I want to try. I just might be domestic after all. Not too sure what to think of that, but all I know is I am excited about trying these new recipes.

Today marks 3 days of feeling really good. Giving up my worries to God has really helped. I also have made some decisions on some things that were kind of holding me back. As hard as those decisions were, I can't ignore how much weight has been lifted from my heart.

Now I Know

I think I figured out why I slept so much this past weekend.

Late this afternoon I started feeling sick. My throat started hurting, when I talk I sound congested, my ear is hurting, my head feels like it's 100 pounds and I have a horrible headache.

I am hoping that all the rest I got this weekend helped a little and I won't be that sick. I hope that and then I am reminded of where I work. You have no idea how many germs I come into contact on a daily basis. It's really scary.

It's only 9:20pm, but I am about to fall asleep.

Goodnight.

Hope

I guess I really needed sleep this past weekend. I slept 8 hours Fri-Sun night and then on Saturday and Sunday took a 3 hour nap. I thought for sure that I was going to have trouble sleeping last night, but I had no trouble at all. I was up for about 30 minutes early this morning. Around 1am (I think) the dog next door woke both me and Sophie up. Now when something wakes me up I just open my eyes. Not Sophie. She started barking and went to the open window barking her lungs out. I told her to lay back down and she was good for about 3 hours, but then decided she needed to go outside. I got up and let her out and laid on the couch waiting for her. I then got all paranoid that someone had opened the gate and she was out running in the street. So I went upstairs, got dressed and proceeded to chase her around the back yard for 15 minutes. She did not want to come in. She thought I was playing a game and kept running from me. I know we did nothing all weekend and I think she had a lot of energy built up and she decided at 4am to get it all out. When my alarm went off I felt completely refreshed. For the first time in months I drove to work wide awake. It was nice.

Please say a prayer for a friend of mine. She is going through a lot right now and is so desperately searching for peace in her life. I know she could use the extra prayers right now.

I woke up this morning with hope. I think all my praying over the weekend has helped. Today I feel excited about my future. I may not know what is in store, but I keep going back to that sermon I heard yesterday....Each day I wake up breathing, there is a lot goodness in my future.

It's been a while since I have had hope. I am going to hang onto it as long as I can.

My Talk with God

Last night while I was taking a bath I did something that I have not done in a long time. As I sat in the bathtub I had a real heart to heart with God. I asked God for strength, guidance and some help in this journey I appear to be on. I realized on Friday night that I need some help here. Friday night was a new low for me and it really scared me.

On Friday after work I had my counseling session with John. We were talking about a couple things going on and he said, "Boy you really are all alone aren't you." That may seem harsh when you read it out of context, but I don't think he meant any harm from it. I have a lot of friends, but only a few that are here in town or that I could call at the last minute to go out with. John and I also talked about the holidays. I have grown to love the holidays over the last four years, but I am really afraid with the holidays coming up. It's a time for families to be together and as I look around I see a family that is not yet put together completely. My family seems to be a work in process and this year it's just me. I am going to try to make the best of it, but sometimes fear takes over and I start feeling sorry for myself. Building your family from the ground up is very hard and sometimes emotionally draining. Sometimes the feelings of loneliness is so overwhelming that I literally just freeze. I am hoping that by talking about all of this and keeping in mind how I want my family to look one day will make it a little easier.

I stayed in the bathtub last night for about 40 minutes just talking to God. By the time I got out of the tub I was not feeling so overwhelmed. I decided that I needed to start using my worry stones again because they really helped me out during all the summer drama.

This morning I watched a religious program on TV. I don't normally watch these kind of shows, but it was the channel that came on when I turned the TV on. It was Joel Osteen, who has a huge mega church in Houston. I was fascinated by his sermon this morning. He was talking about how God has already laid out for us all the good things that are going to happen. He also pointed out that just because we don't see the good things coming yet, it does not mean they are not coming. He said that each morning we wake up and are breathing means there is goodness just waiting for us. I needed to hear that. Sometimes when I get down I get really down and have a hard time seeing how things are going to work out. I was reminded this morning that I need to not worry so much about the details of things working out and just trust in God. Once again, I got what I needed at the exact moment. On a side note: after watching Joel's program (who really reminds me of my own cousin Joel), I looked online to see what his views were on homosexuality. From what I could see he is pretty much middle of the road. That's OK for me right now.

I have learned that writing about the things that I normally would just keep to myself is very good for me. When I put it out there in black and white I can no longer keep avoiding it. My next goal is to write about my anger. I feel that by keeping all this anger inside it has been slowly poisoning me. It's time to finally get it out and be more honest with myself about it.

Our Weekend

It has been one of the most relaxing weekends. I don't remember the last time where I let myself do nothing all weekend and be OK with it. Here are some pictures of how our weekend looked.

We ate some ice cream and didn't feel guilty about it.
We read blogs and found several new blogs that look very interesting.
We gave each other lots of kisses.
We enjoyed the sun.
We took a nap with our best friend.

We washed the sheets and enjoyed the feel of warm sheets right out of the dryer.
We downloaded some new songs and listened to them on our friend Penelope (iPod).

We spent a few minutes looking out on the yard that we just finished mowing.

It was a good weekend.

Elevator

I had the strangest dream last night. I got on an elevetor at work and tried to go to the 21st floor. As soon as I pressed the 21st floor I realized that we only have 3 floors. I tried to press floor 2 but the elevator kept going. Once it got up to the 21st floor it kept going. I was terrified in my dream because I felt like I was going to go flying through the roof. But it just kept going. All I could do was pray. The longer I stood there the more comfortable I came with the fact that it was not stopping and that I was probably going to go through the roof.

And then I woke up.

As soon as I woke up this dream fascinated me. It was so weird how I knew that I had no control and the more I accepted that fact the more comfortable and at ease I became.

This afternoon I was still thinking about that dream wondering what it meant. So I got online and did a little bit of research about elevator dreams. If you dream that you are in an elevator that is falling you feel out of control with your feelings and emotions. If you dream that you are going up in an elevator it means you are moving up in your career and/or personal life. One site even said that if you are going through difficult times right now and then dream you are going up in an elevator it means the problems are going to be over soon. I hope so.

This past week was not the best for me personally or at work. I am having a lot of difficulty with my techs and sometimes I really feel like I am dealing with a bunch of 12 year olds. There's gossiping, eye rolling (I now know why my Dad hated it when I would roll my eyes) and other typical behavior of a 12 year old. I have a supervisor below me that I have tried and tried to work with these past six months. She decided on Monday to step down from her position. A huge part of me is very relieved, but the other part knows I have a lot more work until I can get someone else hired. Since I got off work yesterday at 2:30, I have received 16 calls from my techs. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to be there 24/7. As much as I sometimes complain, I still love my job and I love the challenge. In my last job I was bored for 2 years. I guess I am now paying for all those days where the only thing I did was read blogs.

To kind of cheer myself up I went to the thrift store today to look for some pants. It's been so long since I have bought myself any clothes. And since I am lacking in funds I decided to go to the thrift store. I got 2 pairs of pants and a shirt for $15. Not too bad. Oh, and one of my pants is Polo.

And because I pushed myself to go out and shop for clothes (I hate shopping for clothes), mowed the yard and picked up the house I downloaded a song to reward myself for not sleeping all day. For some reason hearing Bruce Springsteen's Santa Claus is Coming to Town always makes me happy. And according to Walmart, it is officially the Christmas Season.

Oh, and seeing (and kissing) this face always makes things not seem so bad.

Truth

I'm swimming all alone in a pool of darkness
and I feel like darkness is slowly pulling me under
I yell for help but no one is there to hear it
I begin to see the water at eye level
and I kick and flail
fighting to stay above the darkness
But the darkness won't let go of its hold on me
and I slowly begin to give in
to the feeling that lies below the water line
the waters starts to fill my lungs
the lungs that once held so much life
yet now they allow the murky water to replace that
I know that this path doesn't lead to happiness
But why doesn't someone grab my hand
pull me from darkness's grasp?
because no one knows I stand at the boundary
the boundary between light and dark
so I give in to the thing that holds me
All of the strength and all of the courage
that I once held in my heart
can't save me from the water
So I slowly slip below the world of conscientiousness
undetected by the occupants of that world

~~Author Unknown

Courage-Ha!

A few times a week I will stop by 7-11 on my way home and get a Slurpee. I have rediscovered them and now find myself kind of addicted.

Tonight I stopped by the one right by my house. Keep in mind that the 7-11 I go to is, well, very different. I never know what I am going to see when I walk in. (Lynilu can verify this) I noticed a very nice dressed woman back by the Slurpee machine and she kind of caught my eye. As I walked up she turned around and looked at me and smiled. It wasn't those normal smiles from strangers. I smiled back and said HI. I got my slurpee and noticed she was up at the register. I grabbed one more thing and got to the counter as she was walking off. I was kind of wishing that I had made it up to the counter a few seconds earlier. As she walked out I watched her as she walked to her car. I then paid for my stuff and walked out. I noticed this woman sitting in her car. Do I go up and say HI? Do I wait to see if she says something to me? I didn't know what to do, so I just got in my car. I noticed she was driving a black Honda Accord just like mine. How can you not like a woman that drives an Accord? I took my time turning on my car, putting on my seat belt and turning my iPod on. I then backed out and drove off.

As I was driving off I looked over at her as she looked up at me. What did that mean? Should I stop and say HI to her? What to do..What to do....

I really wanted to stop and go talk to her. The 5 minutes it took me to get home I was thinking about turning around to see if she was still there. When I pulled in the garage I even thought of pulling out and driving back to the 7-11.

But I didn't. I wish I could have had more courage to take a chance and say HI to her. But sometimes I get really afraid. What if she isn't gay? I think I am still working on my gaydar because sometimes it is so off. In fact, I think Lynilu has better gaydar then me.

Ironically I was given a Courageous award today by Lynilu. I could have really used some of that courage today.

Tomorrow I think I will need another Slurpee around the same time, so you know where I will be around 5:15pm tomorrow night.

I hope she is there.

Your Mirror

When I look in the mirror I see__________.

Just a reminder: You can comment anonymously if you don't feel comfortable leaving your name.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Blog for a Year

I am going to ask you guys a favor. I have signed up for a chance to get paid to blog for an entire year. How cool would that be? This may be the second job I was hoping for:)

Here's what I need from you guys: If you could click on the picture and vote for my blog. You can vote once a day. I would appreciate all the votes I can get. I think the person in first place has something like 6,000 votes, so I have a ways to catch up. All your votes would be greatly appreciated.

I would love to get paid to do something that I absolutely love.

Worth Their Weight in Gold

Last night my friend came over and painted. Notice I did not say help me paint. That's right, she did all the painting. She knew I was tired and pretty much have been exhausted for the last month and she told me to just sit there and we talked while she did all the painting. After some painting we then sat around and listened to Penelope (iPod). I had one earphone in and she had the other in. To me it was perfect. We weren't doing something real exciting, just listening to some really good music with our very best friend. It doesn't get much better then that.

I know I am lucky to have this person as my friend. But sometimes it takes someone else to notice it to really realize how fortunate you are.

Today Laura called me. She asked how things were going and I explained to her how this friend was coming over to help me with the painting. Oh, and because I really don't have any extra money right now, my friend is getting all the supplies we need to paint the inside. As I was talking to Laura about all of this Laura suddenly stopped and said, "She really cares about you Caroline". That one sentence kind of left me speechless. Ever have one of those moments where it all comes clear. I knew this person cared for me, but today it became even more clear how much she really just care for me.

Right when MG and I broke up I was crying to this friend telling her that I felt bad for those that loved me because for the last 7+ months I had only taken and not been able to give anything as a friend. She stopped me and said, "What about the first 33 years of your life where all you did was give? Allow us to help you right now and to give back to you."

My friends are worth their weight in gold!

Is it Friday Yet?

I am so tired.

My tiredness started on Saturday after my tech meeting. It was one of the worst meetings I have ever had and I left very upset and in tears. They just don't get it. On my way home on Saturday I called my boss and told her what had happened. She was in full support of me and agreed that the techs were so wrong in what they did.

I knew I had to deal with it today and boy did I have to deal with it.

I walked into work at 7am today and I was literally on the go the entire time. Around 11:30am my boss called and said, "Let's go to lunch". It was exactly what I needed. I needed to get away from the office for just a few minutes. My boss and I had a great talk about some ideas as to what I can do with the techs and then we also talked about all that has been going on in my life the last few weeks. This is the exact reason I love working in the social service field. I love that I can go talk to my boss about something other then work and not feel like she is going to hold it against me in some way. At one point in the conversation my boss looked me in the eye and said, "It's going to be OK Caroline". My boss is absolutely wonderful and I know I am very lucky to have a boss that is so supportive and genuinely concerned about me and all that has been going on in my personal life.

I could have stayed a couple extra hours at work tonight to catch up on some things, but my boss insisted that I go home at the end of my 8 hours. On my first day she told me that even though I am salaried, she does not want me working more then 40 hours a week. It's wonderful knowing that it's OK to leave some things for the next day.

My friend is coming over tonight to paint and I am wondering how much I will actually be able to get done since I am so tired.

Is it Friday yet?

Grandma A

I have a wonderful friend that has been coming over and helping me with the painting of the inside of my house. Last night as we were in the bathroom trying to figure out what my Grandma had done so the shelves in the closet would not come out, my friend and I started talking about my Grandmother and she asked me what the funniest memory of my Grandma was. There was no question what the funniest memory was. It's funny now, but I am sure at the time it was not. When I first started going away to summer camp I was only 9. The first couple of years I got very homesick. I would write my parents and Grandparents these long letters about what I missed home so much. I am sure it was very hard for both my parents and Grandparents to read these letters that made it sound like I was completely miserable. Every time my Grandma would get a letter she would use a red pen and underline the sentences where I sounded so miserable. She then gave those letters to my parents telling them they should go up and get me. Would you believe I still have those letters. Only my sweet Grandma would do that and then have the guts to give them to my parents.

Whenever I think of my Grandma I immediately think of the last time I was with her. My ex husband and I were about a week away from our first anniversary. My aunt had called me at work and asked if I could go and sit with my Grandma while everyone else went to church. I really didn't want to. It was my only night off that week and I really just wanted to go home and relax. Well, I told my aunt I would even though I really didn't want to. Well, as it turns out that was one of the best nights of my life. My Grandma and I just sat around and talked about everything. One week later my Grandma died. Thinking back to that night it's as if she gave me that night with her as one last gift.

My Grandma used to always tell me that I reminded her of a herself when she was younger. She understood my shyness and told me it was OK to be shy and never made me feel bad about it. (I used to be really shy) When I graduated from High School she told me that I was the first daughter of her first daughter and that made me special.

I often think about how my Grandma would have reacted to my coming out. Deep down I think she might not understand it, but that would never stop her from having a relationship with me or loving me.

Next month will be 11 years since she passed away. As I always do, I will go to her grave, leave her a Hershey bar and remind myself of how lucky I was to have her as my Grandmother.

*Picture*

Grandma Alice and Caroline 1974

My Weekend

This should show you how my weekend is going.

P.S. I just love this song that goes along with this video.

I am very lucky. Lucky indeed.

Didn't Need More Proof

I love my blogger friends. You guys are the best. I have known for a long time that I have a wonderful group of blogger friends and have even bragged about you guys to my IRL friends. But today I was reminded once again that I truly do have some of the best blogger friends.

As I pulled up to the house after work I noticed a packaged in my door. My first thought was I wonder what I left at MG's house. But to my delight it was a package from Katie. And this my friends is why I have the best blogger friends:

Yes, that is the first season of my beloved Little House on the Prairie. 19 hours of pure joy and heaven for me. So, if you don't hear from me by Monday, I just might need an intervention for overdosing on my favorite show. It's going to be a very good weekend!!!!

Oh, and you might check out this video. You will clearly see that Sophie is telling me that it's time to find something else to take pictures of.

Let the Little House on the Prairie marathon begin...........

Coming up for Air

Thank you all for participating in my post yesterday. I wish I could say that I thought of it myself, but I actually saw someone on another blog do that and I thought it was a brilliant idea. So, I am going to try to do a post like that at least once a week. I loved reading all your responses, so thank you for sharing. And you can always post it anonymously if what you are writing is very personal.

I have just one hour left of my work day, thank goodness. But getting up at 5am to be at work by 6am was really hard today. All I wanted to do was stay in bed under the warm covers. I wish I could say I get to sleep in tomorrow morning, but I have an 8:30am meeting with all my techs. Wish I could say I could just come home and go to bed, but my friend is going over and we are going to start painting the inside of the house. With no one even calling about the house, I am not sure if new paint will even make a difference. We'll see...

Emotionally I think I am just trying to keep my head over water at this point. I have my good moments and then I have my really bad moments. But somehow I keep coming up for enough air to get me through the next day. A friend asked me a very good questions last night: Why are you taking it out on yourself what others have done? Very good question and sadly I do not have that answer right now. I guess it's easier to hate myself rather then hate others. I really need to get over this....and quickly.

Quietest Moments

In my quietest moments,

I think about___________ and I feel__________.

A Few Things

A couple interesting things for this Wednesday:

Monday night Laura found my new blog. I noticed she got to the new blog via PattiCake's blog. I was trying to figure out how she found it and why she went to it. For the months and months before I went private, Laura and Sharon (who is the real blogger between the two of them) never went to my blog because I had asked them not to. So I found it a little odd that all of a sudden they would go to my blog. Tuesday morning I called Laura and she tried to explain it to me. Apparently Sharon has a blog she reads that linked to SassyFemme. Sharon then went to Patti's via Sassy and then clicked on my link. Laura says it was a mistake, but I find it interesting. Apparently before they went to Patti's they did click on the link that Sassy had which still had my old link. Both Laura and Sharon were upset that I would put up a blog about cheating spouses. Apparently, spammers have grabbed up my old URL and now it's a site about how to catch cheating spouses. I think it's funny as hell, but they did not. Like I really have had time this past week to create a blog just for cheating spouses. I guess that's what they get for being so nosey. Just an FYI, I don't mind having my new link on other blogs because it really is only my brother that I don't want reading my blog. I really don't care if Laura and Sharon read my blog at this point.

I really want to see this movie. I am hoping at one point it will come to KC, but doesn't look like it's on the schedule. I wonder if my parents and rest of my family would be willing to see it? Probably not. Hey, it might be a good Christmas present for them.

This morning I woke up, turned over and had a ball of orange fur in my face. Brady immediately started purring, which to me one of the best ways to wake up. When I am no longer single, there will be other great ways to wake up of course. Brady seems to be doing well. He has been throwing up a lot which is a sign that the cancer might be in his spleen. I am just playing the wait and see game. He still seems to have his spunk, so I am not worried at this point.

I think that's it for now....

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday