Last night while I was taking a bath I did something that I have not done in a long time. As I sat in the bathtub I had a real heart to heart with God. I asked God for strength, guidance and some help in this journey I appear to be on. I realized on Friday night that I need some help here. Friday night was a new low for me and it really scared me.
On Friday after work I had my counseling session with John. We were talking about a couple things going on and he said, "Boy you really are all alone aren't you." That may seem harsh when you read it out of context, but I don't think he meant any harm from it. I have a lot of friends, but only a few that are here in town or that I could call at the last minute to go out with. John and I also talked about the holidays. I have grown to love the holidays over the last four years, but I am really afraid with the holidays coming up. It's a time for families to be together and as I look around I see a family that is not yet put together completely. My family seems to be a work in process and this year it's just me. I am going to try to make the best of it, but sometimes fear takes over and I start feeling sorry for myself. Building your family from the ground up is very hard and sometimes emotionally draining. Sometimes the feelings of loneliness is so overwhelming that I literally just freeze. I am hoping that by talking about all of this and keeping in mind how I want my family to look one day will make it a little easier.
I stayed in the bathtub last night for about 40 minutes just talking to God. By the time I got out of the tub I was not feeling so overwhelmed. I decided that I needed to start using my worry stones again because they really helped me out during all the summer drama.
This morning I watched a religious program on TV. I don't normally watch these kind of shows, but it was the channel that came on when I turned the TV on. It was Joel Osteen, who has a huge mega church in Houston. I was fascinated by his sermon this morning. He was talking about how God has already laid out for us all the good things that are going to happen. He also pointed out that just because we don't see the good things coming yet, it does not mean they are not coming. He said that each morning we wake up and are breathing means there is goodness just waiting for us. I needed to hear that. Sometimes when I get down I get really down and have a hard time seeing how things are going to work out. I was reminded this morning that I need to not worry so much about the details of things working out and just trust in God. Once again, I got what I needed at the exact moment. On a side note: after watching Joel's program (who really reminds me of my own cousin Joel), I looked online to see what his views were on homosexuality. From what I could see he is pretty much middle of the road. That's OK for me right now.
I have learned that writing about the things that I normally would just keep to myself is very good for me. When I put it out there in black and white I can no longer keep avoiding it. My next goal is to write about my anger. I feel that by keeping all this anger inside it has been slowly poisoning me. It's time to finally get it out and be more honest with myself about it.
6 comments:
my ex boss and his wife were big joel osteen supporters. They gave me a pamphlet by him, and I really think he has a lot of good things to say. A lot of it is very positive and uplifting. I am actually on their daily email list, where they send a prayer a day to you, and it really is a great start to my day!
I like his outlook. I tend to get down easily and Lois always is able to say to me that things do happen for a reason, and that they will come around. I don't know how it is so easy for her to stay positive when things look glum, but I need to keep that faith too.
Yep honey you need to let that anger OUT. Glad you had that talk with God :) Peace.
Life takes a lot of practice to get it where it feels right to us. Even then, it needs a lot of work to keep focused. Keep working on it, and invite all the positive energies you can find into your life. And remember ... it is not a *destination*. It is all about the journey. The work never ends.
:)(:
Come on up North a bit and spend the Holiday's with us!!!
Writing is an excellent way to deal with your feelings and emotions, even if they're in a private journal, not the blog.
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