I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I share with others; both on this blog as well to those that I meet IRL.
I have not shared on my blog exactly what I did this past spring. Part of me wants to just get it out there so I don't feel so much shame. Somehow holding it inside makes me feel that I am ashamed of what happened. I would never say that I am ashamed, but I would say that I am embarrassed by the whole situation.
My gut is telling me that sharing what happened with R had something to do with her suddenly changing her mind about me. I wanted to scream to her that this is who I am and if you can't accept my past then you are not worth my time. But then there was a part of me that wanted to cry because I was faced with the reality that maybe this secret I hold inside is something I should be ashamed about and to never share it with anyone.
Growing up I was always told that I should not share too much about myself with people. But something inside me is screaming and I feel that I need to share my secret with the world so I don't have to carry the burden by myself. Part of me feels like I want to get this secret out so that I can leave it behind in 2007.
But the truth is, I am still really scared to be so honest.
5 comments:
I know it's hard to trust when you've been hurt so badly. Have you thought of sending it to "post secret"?
(((hugs)))
its hard to have secrets and its hard to be honest but at some point you either need to release the secret on a postcard attached to a balloon and let it go or tell and pray it will all work out
having secrets is so tough! I've had a lot in my past, and it really took a lot for me to share these with people i was close to.
I think that most of us that read your blog care about you, and wouldn't hold any secrets against you. It really sucks that R seemed to have an issue with it. I hope that in the future, there aren't any hold ups over anything in a relationship.
i hope that wasnt too rambly. it's late here :)
If it is something that needs to be out before the end of the year so you can be done with it, then let it go. However, think about it before you release it. Do you need to shout it from the mountain top? Or do you just need to share it with a friend or two so it is no longer an albatross for you to carry alone? I also like the suggestions of yankeegirl and redfrog27, too. Look at it this way ... if the secret were mine or someone else's, what would you advise?
I was going to suggest "post secret" but I see yankeegirl beat me to it.
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