Do you ever get the feeling that you don't fit in? I feel that almost every day of my life. Trying to see where I fit in this world has been one of my biggest struggles. And it's hard when you are faced with a situation and it is so apparent that you don't fit in. Last night was one of those times. Before I go into it, I need you to know that I love my friend dearly and this is not about my friendship with her.
The party was very nice, but it was very clear that I didn't fit in. I did have a good time and talked to several people that were so drunk that they probably won't remember talking to me this morning. There were about 30 people (I was the youngest one there) at the party and most were watching the MU game that was on. It was nice that there was some kind of distraction. I find it really hard just go up to people and start talking, so it was nice that the game was on.
My friend is African American and I was the only Caucasian person there. I know this is kind of a delicate subject, but it was very clear that there is a difference in cultures. I am not saying that is a bad thing and I hope no one will perceive that. 90% of the conversations that were going on I had no idea what they were talking about. It could be the age thing, but I think some of it had to do with culture. Overall it was a very nice party, but it did get me to thinking about some things.
When I was growing up I never felt like I fit in with my family. It's hard to explain, but I remember sitting at dinner with my parents and brother and thinking there was something wrong with me since I was not like them. I didn't fit in with the church and believe me I tried very hard to fit in with the church. I almost died trying to fit into that cult.
As I sit here today I still don't know exactly where I fit into this world. Three years ago I thought I had found that place where I fit, but unfortunately that fit was filled with lies and deceit. I just want to have that place where I know where I fit. It's really hard to always be looking for that place. Most people have their family where they fit. I don't even have that. And I am not saying that I wish I fit in with my family because that will never happen, but I just wish I had one place where I knew it was a perfect fit.
Everyone wants to feel like they belong. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere or with someone. This post kind of goes back to my post from Friday night about being lonely. I am OK being by myself, but there are many times when I wish I had someone here with me on a day to day basis. A few weeks back I wrote about just wanting to be loved. I still just want to be loved and have that loved appreciated.
I think it's a miracle that I am still willing to give love a shot even though I have been hurt so badly in the past. Now if I could just find that person that will take my love and not try to destroy my heart in the process. I don't think that is too much to ask.
10 comments:
Caroline- two places you definately fit- At work, where you rock and and have a great boss that tells you so, and right here in the blogosphere where you have lots of friends who love you!
((hugs))
I don't feel like I fit anywhere either. I wonder if that's a common feeling. Maybe it's a JW thing? I don't know but I've had it forever too.
I get that feeling too.So I have decided that I will make my own place in the world to fit in.
It's not biased of you to say so, sounds like the group at the party didn't exactly go out of their way to include you, either.
I like what Yankeegirl said - right on!
Big ditto to what Yankeegirl said!
Hang in there, the rest will come when the people are truly the right people.
sometimes it's also a matter of our defense kicking in, focusing on how we are different from others in order to protect ourselves rather than sometimes letting our guard down and seeing how we are alike...sometimes it's also getting more comfortable in our skins "here and now" rather than focusing on how we wish we were or how we want things to be...sometimes...
I agree with anonymous. I think you and I are very much alike in the way we perceive ourselves and the ways we deal with the world. I vascillate between feeling great, like I could approach anyone... and feeling like I don't fit in anywhere, even with my husband or my family or my best friends. I am awkward even in my soul, I guess.
Church can do a real mind-fuck on you (excuse the language, but that is the best word for it) and I think a growing-up experience like you had can really mess with your feelings about yourself and your place in the universe. I still believe in God, and I believe God loves me tons and tons for who I am and for even my failed attempts at doing the right thing. So in my view, you SO have a place -- with a God who loves you so much.
But even if you don't believe in God, you absolutely have a place. You've overcome so much and are in a tough place, but I think your loneliness will clarify for you who YOU are and what YOU want and what you will and will not tolerate. And that will be awesome.
And sorry to blather on, but race issues are usually tough I think, and it doesn't mean you are biased or that the other party guests were, or anything... Just that race sometimes becomes the elephant in the room and it is hard for everyone to work around it.
Anyway, keep breathing and the time will pass and your happy days will be here!
Caroline (and Traci, too) - The JWs do a lot to isolate, to make you believe that you belong ONLY there. So when that tie is broken, of course it is difficult or impossible to feel you fit elsewhere. That was ingrained in both of you from a very early age and will into your adulthoods. It isn't you. It is t.h.e.m. You are both loved.
I read the other comments here, and it seems clear to me that the love is there. The retraining is tough, but keep working on it. :)
I kind of think that everyone feels that way at least one point in their lives. Also - some people are really good at just "faking it." I have friends who are married who feel alone at parties too. That said, I still know that it is going to happen for you eventually - the right person and all.
I agree with yankeegirl! Hugs honey.
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