I went into work today around 2pm and stayed until just 6pm. The tech seemed to have everything under control so I decided since I am the boss I could leave when I wanted to. And as it turns out I will be off tomorrow and Tuesday, but I will have to work on Friday. I can't seem to find anyone that can cover the shift on Friday night, so that leaves me having to work. And since I am so behind I will probably go in for a few hours either tomorrow or Tuesday. My work never seems to end.
For some reason today I am a little down. I think part of it is hearing everyone talk about the things they are doing with their family. Thinking about Christmas is kind of depressing to me. I don't have a tree up and probably won't go get one. I am not that sad about the whole tree thing, but I am sad that my sadness seems to be so overwhelming during this season. If I had known this Christmas was going to be so miserable I might have enjoyed last years a little more.
I am also getting the feeling that I am not good enough for anyone. I wonder if I will ever find that person that accepts me for exactly who I am and not constantly try to change me. I know I have my faults and things that I need to change, but I never ask the people I love to change.
I don't think anyone realizes how much of a struggle it is for me to get up and just survive each day. When people ask me about my family situation they usually just look at me with this I can't believe it face. Yes this is actually my life not some movie and some days are harder then others to pretend that everything is OK. There are many days when I want to just stay in bed and feel sorry for myself. Then there are days when I just want to talk about my family and remember the good times we have had. Then I have days where I just want to cry about everything. I never thought in a million years that I would be sitting here at 34 grieving for a family that is still living. It is so hard to be rejected by your family. Some days I feel like I am better off without them and then there are many other days where I feel like I must not be a good enough person. Because really, don't you have to be pretty bad for your entire family to turn their back on you? It's all confusing trying to work through all my feelings on this situation. It's kind of scary how my emotions can go up and down within one day. I am tired of this yo-yo feeling I have most days.
One other thing that is kind of making me sad is the fact that we are suppose to get more ice tomorrow. R and I might have to cancel our date again. She lives about 45 minutes east of Kansas City and I guess the roads are pretty bad where she lives. I am wondering if we are really meant to meet or if we are just meant to meet next spring.
I am hoping this bad and crappy attitude I seem to have today is due to me being so tired. I feel like I could sleep for days. Looks like I might just have that chance if we do get that ice tomorrow.
Sorry for the downer of a post. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
8 comments:
Hang in there Caroline. Family can be highly overrated at times. I know they can bring you a lot of happiness but who knows better how to "kick u when u are down" than family.
Sending you some of my warm 76 degree weather!
Sorry to hear you're feeling so blue. Wish I lived closer so we could "adopt" you.
The ice sucks! I'm with you - bring on the snow not ice. I drove home from NJ last weekend during an ice storm (yea, stupid). The normally 5 1/2 hour drive took 8.
I'd suggest you get a tree - just because you and the furry kids are alone doesn't mean you shouldn't celebrate. Who knows - it might make you feel better.
Hugs!
Caroline, my family has turned their back on me as well and they aren't JW's. Since my mom died, I've not heard from anyone with the exception of one aunt who called on my birthday and the anniversary of my mom's death. I know I'm better off not being around such toxic people however that doesn't make it feel any better. I've been avoiding writing about this because my feelings are so mixed up about it all. So, I guess that was a very long way of saying "I understand...really." You are a strong person sweetie. You WILL get through this.
I pretty much guarantee that there are many people who are feeling a special kind of loneliness reserved for people WITH families. Christmas bites for ppl with families too. We've just sort of made the holidays into a thing where the grass looks pretty green on the other side. Make sense?
Hang in there!
You're not bad...I just wish I could show you how this situation really looks from an objective perspective. THEY are the bad ones! Not you! And how in the HELL is what they've done Christian or godly? I just wonder how they sleep at night or hold their heads up...but that's beside the point. I know it's hard to let sink in, but it's them. Not you. And I know that doesn't make the pain sting any less, only time will do that, but that's the reality of the situation. You deserve the world, Caroline.
I'm sorry Caroline.
I wish I could come over and cheer you up.
I agree with Chelle. Put a tree up and embrace the holiday with your friends and furry family members.
We love you!
The holidays can be SO trying can't they? I can't complain because I know how blessed I am. I hope you and R get to go on that date, that will cheer you up!
You cant always post something happy, feel free to have a down day. Hopefully it will pass soon so your not so down. Keep your chin up.
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