Last night I got 9 hours of good sleep and boy did it feel good. But this morning I am still tired. I went into work for a couple hours this morning to take care of a few things. Part of that was going to my managers meeting. At the end of the meeting I about lost it. Two managers were complaining about my techs and I wanted to tell them, "I am doing the best I can and yes I am aware of some of the problems". But you know, I can't be everywhere all the time. I left about 30 minutes into the meeting because Time Warner is coming out to help with my DVR problems. As I was leaving I could tell I was about to cry.
Here's the problem: I can't stop crying. Everything is making me cry. It used to be that I would hardly ever cry, but since March it's like I opened the flood gates and now everything makes me cry. I know it's not real professional and I am sure I looked like a fool when I was leaving the meeting today, but I can't help it. I didn't cry in the meeting, but I had tears in my eyes and I am sure my voice was a little shaky.
Most of the other managers know what has been going on with my personal life, but still part of me feels like I should be able to hold it together while I am at work. But, I am so stressed at work and it seems like my personal life and work life are constantly colliding. I talk to my techs about not letting their personal issues interfer with their work, but here I am not even able to hold myself together while I am at work. How can I expect my techs to do this if I can't even do it?
I don't want people to think I am crazy or overly emotional, but there are times when I just can't help but cry. It used to be that when I would cry I would feel kind of refreshed, but lately it seems that when I cry it only makes things worse. Thankfully today I have an appointment with my counselor and I hope I can make it to 3 when my appointment is. I wish I could just come home after my appointment, but I have to go back to work until at least 9 tonight. It's going to be a long day.
Tonight we are suppose to be getting 6-8 inches of snow. If all my techs show up this weekend, then it will be the perfect weekend to stay inside and try to mend this broken heart that I have.
6 comments:
I hope your techs do show up.
Crying is a way of purging, cleansing. It's healing but that being said I HATE to cry in front of people. Hate it. I hav done enough crying this week already.
When someone is complaining like that, ask them, "Can you help me find a resolution to the problem?" That will either shut them up or it includes them in the fix.
Crying. Well, with all the stress you've been through, how could you to NOT cry?? At this time, I'm not so sure how much is "broken heart" and how much is just pure, unadulterated, nasty stress from a dozen or more angles with the heart simply being the obvious. Seriously, you've been hit coming and going!! I'd bet there are bite marks in your butt!
May I suggest that you quit trying to do *everything* at work? I know ... it's your job. But if you don't engage some people to help you, you're gonna be out of a job simply because you will be unable to work! Remember that *your* supervisors are supposed to step in to help you just as you step in to fill empty jobs. Asking for help isn't weakness. It's wisdom.
Please take care of yourself. I'm worried about crash and burn. You've been through way too much.
Have you thought seriously about antidepressants? I didn't keep up just after you mentioned it the first time, so I'm not sure what the resolution was. I hope I'm not out of line, but I highly suggest looking into it. They even have several different kinds on the Wal-Mart $4 program ;) Crying is a healthy release, but when it's constant and uncontrollable like that, I think looking into medicine is a good idea. I've been there, and it's amazing the difference my medicine has made. I feel more in control of my emotions now, and it feels great.
Big hugs.
I hope your techs show up this weekend.
((Caroline)) Glad you got some sleep, I hope seeing the counselor helps.
I think when something big happens to you, the way you deal with things can change. Before my dad died, I used to get upset stomachs and have insomnia from stress -- both are now gone. Maybe you are transitioning into a different way of dealing. It's OK to cry, and maybe you need some time to get back to a cleansing feeling.
Of course, not getting enough sleep doesn't help. Lots of us get weepy without sleep. One good night's sleep isn't going to totally fix that.
I hope the counseling session helped, and that you can get some more rest.
Also, I cry at the drop of a hat, so my strategy for stopping well-ups is to concentrate on something inanimate in front of me, like the point where the ceiling meets the wall, and think of nothing but that. Weird, but it stops it for me if it isn't the best time for crying. That might be hard to do in a meeting if you are supposed to be concentrating on the meeting though. :)
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