I have always tried to live my life to the best of my ability and tried to be very gentle to others along the way. Many times I have sacrificed my own feelings for someone elses feelings. I never want anyone to hurt and I often times will take on their pain or problems (I know...CO DEPENDANT) because I feel it's easier for me to deal with it then seeing them struggling or in pain.
Here's my problem: after doing this for most of my life, I am tired both physically and emotionally. Having done this for so many other people I fear there isn't anything left for me. I have given away all of myself for others and what do I have to show for it? Not too much. No wait, I do have something to show for it. I have a broken and very damaged heart.
I told my friend on Friday night that for the last seven months I have been dipping into my strength reserves and I fear it is all gone. I fear that something will happen and I will try to find strength and it will all be gone and I will not have the strength. This thought really scares me. Because I know what it's like when I have no strength left to fight. I don't want to be there and I am trying to find a way to find some strength.
This morning as I was driving to work I prayed to God to give me more strength. I know that we are not given more then we can handle, but it seems like I have been given a lot more this year and part of me thinks it's just not fair. Everyone keeps joking that I am just getting all the bad stuff out of the way during 2007, but seriously, how much more can one person take?
When will it be my turn to have something good happen. Everyone keeps telling me to hang on. Believe me, I am holding on with all I have. I feel like I am hanging out over a ledge holding onto a small branch. I am giving it all I got to hold on and to pull myself up, but I feel like I am losing my grip. And the scary thing is I have no idea what to do.
11 comments:
Caroline,
Your strength is not like a gas tank...its does not go empty. It is at the core of who you are. You need to just focus on YOU. Find what makes you really happy inside. Karma is a bitch and those that caued you pain will get it back. Take comfort in knowing that and also knowing that there are so many people out here pulling for you. We know you can stay strong..because you are strong.
(((HUGS)))
I'm not sure how much one person can take. Honestly I'm not because, like you, for me 2007 has been an incredibly difficult and painful year.
If I have learned one thing in my (almost) 43 years of living is that you just keep putting one foot in front of the other. There really is no choice in that. You just keep moving ahead because eventually you will find that you are on top of the mountain again.
You just keep going and you are given all you need to surivive. There is a story though that I would like to share about a man who was lost at sea. He knew God would save him so every time a boat would come up to help him he would wave the boat off saying "God will rescue me." Finally, he drowned. When he got to heaven he was angry at God and said "I believed in you that you would rescue me. Why didn't you?" God looked at him and said, I sent boats to help you but you waved them off. I can only show you the way, YOU have to do your part and help yourself when I send it."
I always keep that in my mind - I can get through anything but I have a responsibility in making sure it turns out the way it should. I have to keep moving and keep looking for the way out of the darkness. God shines the flashlight but *I* have to walk over to it.
So as to how much one person can take, I don't know. All I know is that the tide will turn and you will come out on top. Just keep moving. Keep planning. Keep dreaming. One day you will look back on all this and think "Look how far I've come! My life is everything I wanted and hoped for." You can do this!!!
mlm was right- your strength is not a gas tank that goes empty, it's part of who you are inside. Find those things that give you joy(Like Sophie, Bonk, Brady, ? did I forget someone? of course BEN! :) and those will help to renew your strength. right now you need some "me" time. Time to focus on yourself, your needs and what YOU want. You have a good job, and friends that care about you and a place to stay and food to eat. Yes there is more to life than that, but that's a lot more than lots of folks have. You have been incredibily strong through a very tough series of trials. Keep talking, keep going to therapy, keep believing in yourself, cause lots of us out her believe in you and we care. (((hugs)))
I ditto what everyone else said. Life is not being fair to you right now, but you have to keep believing that good things happen to good people and you, my friend, are a very good kind person.
I'm really finding a lot of truth in Casey's statement. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You have been so strong through so much. You can't forget how far you've come and you can't forget how many people care about you.
I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. (((hugs)))
Things will get better. They really will. Hang in there.
just let go. trust that your landing will be what it's meant to be. i bet there's a ledge where you least expect it honey.
You WILL climb out of this and it will feel worth all of the bad to get there. Strap yourself in (that ride metaphore again) and just dig in to the things you love. Your pets, your friends, your work. The cloud will lift.
Here is what you do......
Breathe. Just breathe.
I wish I knew what to say to give you comfort and hope and I wish I had an answer for you. I'm here for you honey. That's all I can offer.
I literally stayed awake last night contemplating the same issue. I give too much energy trying to smooth things out between people, and I get nothing for it in return. I am trying to figure out how to extricate myself from all these messes because I no longer have the strength, or desire to continue to be in the middle. I hope you get some rain so that your well fills up again.
Hold on. Seriously, hold on. Two months ago I thought I'd never be happy again, and ok I realize I had some serious luck (fate? God? Goddess, perhaps) for things to turn so suddenly wonderful for me, but it can and does turn on a dime sometimes. Could be tomorrow, you just never know.
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