Thank you all for your comments yesterday. I wish I could say that things got better yesterday, but the day seemed doomed from the moment I got up. But I did make the best of my crappy mood.
I had another therapy session yesterday. My therapist said immediately that my affect was down and he knew there was a lot going on. We got into some deep issues involving my parents and their very obvious rejection. I know he's a good therapist because he doesn't let me avoid the things that I so desperately need to work on. I cried a lot during the session and it kind of felt refreshing.
After I left the session I went to visit with a friend since MG was still in Springfield. As I left my therapy I was still crying. I tried to compose myself before going to my friends, but sometimes my emotions have a different idea. I walked into my friends house and we talked for a few minutes and then out of nowhere (well, really not nowhere) I started crying. As always my friend just listened to me and allowed me to talk my way out of the hole I had created yesterday. Right when I stopped crying my friends husband walked in from mowing the yard. He was so sweet. He walked up to me and gave me a huge hug. He told me that I am always welcome at their house and that I am officially part of their family. I joked with him about when was he was going to go mow my yard at the old house and he told me this weekend. I told him he really didn't need to, but he insisted. He is such a good guy and I appreciate all his kindness and making me feel so welcome in their house.
I had only planned on staying at their house for about an hour, but in that hour I consumed 2 Coronas. I had not had anything to eat since lunch (7.5 hours earlier) and I was feeling a major buzz. Usually I get buzzed from one beer on a full stomach. So you know I was not feeling too much with 2 beers on an empty stomach. So my friend made me some dinner and we waited for that buzz feeling to go away. My old house is only about 10 minutes from their house, so I needed to make sure I was OK to drive home since I had a good 40 minute drive ahead of me. We sat out on the back deck and enjoyed the perfect fall night and just talked. It was exactly what I needed after such a bad and emotionally draining day. Oh, and the best thing: my friend had gone to Hot Springs, Arkansas this past weekend and she brought me back White Chocolate Popcorn. I have never had it and I can't wait to have it for dessert tonight. Sorry MG, I may not be sharing. :)
By the time I got home it was about 10:30pm and I ate a little snack and then we headed up to bed. We ended up staying up until about midnight talking and then tried to get some sleep. About 20 minutes after we had stopped talking Ben jumped up on the bed. What a surprise that was. Not only did he come upstairs from the basement, but he came all the way up to the bedroom and jumped on the bed with Oliver right there. That was exactly what my heart needed last night. I needed to feel that I had not traumatized Ben too much and that he did forgive me. I feel asleep with him right next to, just like it had always been.
Even though I got about 6 hours of sleep last night, I woke up feeling refreshed. And even though I still may not be able to see my feet, I am putting faith in the fact that I am taking the right steps.
11 comments:
I totally understand about the hard therapy sessions and the crying that seems to happen after some. I had music on my ipod just for moods like that that I would/still listen to when I am overwhelmed.I am extremely proud of you know have come along way already.
Chin up girl. You've come a long way. I know it can seem never ending at times, but with the right people on your side it can sure make things a hell of a lot easier.
Having faith is the first step.
One foot in front of the other. You will get where you want to go if you just keep moving forward. You've come a long way already - have faith!
Maybe next time you can come with your friend to Hot Springs, Ark. There's lots more cool stuff where that white chocolate popcorn came from.
Recently geographer Warren Bland named Hot Springs, Ark. the No. 1 place in America to retire.
I gotta admit, Hot Springs is a pretty cool place to live, even for those of us who aren't yet retired.
To see short video clips from Hot Springs, check out SpaVlogger.
Rebecca McCormick,
Travel writer, Hot Springs Village Voice
Sometimes knowing you're going in the right directions is more important than how you're DEALING with what's going on around you. Therapists, those people are like gold!!
No, sweetie, it isn't easy. But you'll get through it. What's that saying that I've said so many times since Glenn's death? "There is no way out -- only a way forward." Keep that close to your heart. You'll go forward, I know you will. And yes, he sounds like a good therapist. :')
I love you. Be strong.
Crying = good. Some therapist told me once that it actually releases some of the stuff stuck inside (she used bigger words, but you get the idea.)
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