The Fighter Within

I am not even sure where to begin when thinking of the last five days. It all got started last Friday when I had those comments from my brother. I had to be at work at 6am last Friday, so I left the house at 5:30am very upset. I think I was most upset about the fact that I couldn't seem to stop my family from publicly hurting and trying to embarrass me. My brothers comments addressed some of the very personal things I had gone through in 2002. The deep depression I suffered in 2002-2003 is something I think about everyday. It's not hard to think about those times when I see the scars. I am not ashamed of what I went through 5 years ago, but I still feel it's my right to keep those moments to myself when I want to and to share them with people I chose. I don't think I would have minded so much if my brother had emailed me, but to put it out there for everyone to read was very upsetting to me. I felt so exposed and I felt like I could no longer protect myself. I was ready to literally throw in the towel and bow down to my family and their hatred.

Then Saturday came. The day started out OK. MG and I took my car in to get some work done. We then went to a Renaissance Festival that Kansas City has every year. I really didn't notice anything too different, but something she said to me on Friday just stuck in my mind. Seeing that I was so upset about my brothers comments (there were 3 more on Friday night), MG's response to me was "just shake it off". I know she meant well, but it really wasn't what I needed to hear at that moment. What I needed was for someone to take me in their arms and say "I love you no matter what you have been through". As we drove to get my car we didn't say that much. As we were sitting there waiting for them to bring my car around it looked like MG had tears in her eyes. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was just thinking about values. I tried to talk to her and she said "we'll talk about it when we get home" and walked off.

When we got home we did talk. Boy did we talk. Keep in mind when I started this relationship with MG and especially when she asked me to move in being very honest with her about where I was coming from and what I could give in regards to this relationship. I told her about my financial situation and that I would not be able to contribute that much to this household until my other house sold. She was fine with it. And I think her comments and the things she said on her own blog showed that she at least appeared fine with it.

By the end of our 2+hour conversation she asked me to move out. She told me that she thought she could do it, but she can't. What can she not do? She can not give me that space and time that I told her I needed. I think that would have been fine, but I really would have appreciated being told that before I moved everything I own here.

As soon as she asked me to move out she started treating me differently. I understand treating me a little differently because we are no longer a couple, but I never expected to be treated like a child, degraded because I am having some financial challenges and mostly like I am an irresponsible adult. It seems like that now because we are no longer a couple I don't know how to care for the pets, I don't know how to manage my money and I don't cope with things well.

Kind of seems like DeJaVu, but come this Saturday the moving company is coming back to move me back to my other house. The tension in this house has been horrible since Saturday night. I am angry and I know that I am saying things that I probably should just keep to myself. I have not been perfect in this whole situation, but I will not take full responsibility. I told MG that I wish she would have been more honest with herself and me before I moved in here. As I wrote on my blog, I was very nervous about moving in. But she insisted and appeared to be very understanding and was willing to give me that time and space to heal.

I feel betrayed. A week before I moved in MG and I had a very heart to heart conversation. Once again I explained exactly where I was in my life and I wanted to make sure that she understood that I could only give so much. I even came out and asked her if I should postpone moving in. I trusted her.

I don't want to stay somewhere that I am not welcome. I will not stay in a home where I am treated (and talked to) like a child. I don't need a parent. What I needed was a partner that was understanding and loving through everything. I guess one bright thing about all of this is I found out about this just 2 months into the relationship, not years later.

My feelings and emotions have been all over the map since Saturday. My first thought was pure panic. I remember feeling that when Laura and I split and feeling it again really scared me. I was afraid to call anyone. I was afraid that people would say "here we go again" and roll their eyes. My second thought was not to burden any those that love me with this and drive back to my other house and see how many sleeping pills it would actually take to bring me some peace. Thankfully, my third thought was to call someone even though I was afraid. I sat and talked with my best friend for over an hour. I remember she kept asking me questions and it was as if my mind was frozen. I couldn't get my thoughts together. My friend talked with me and we came up with a better plan then hurting myself. By the time I got off the phone I was feeling a little more calm and felt better knowing that not only did I have a plan, but I had someone that was going to stop everything in her life to help me.

Sunday my friend and I spent the day at my old house cleaning it from top to bottom. I had cleaned it up a little, but was planning on going back that day with MG to finish the deep clean. By the time I left the house I was at least OK with being back there.

Moving twice in two weeks is not an easy task. I had just finished unpacking all my stuff here and now I am packing everything up again. My boss is moving and I had given her all my boxes, so I had to find all new boxes. I am so tired. I am tired of packing. I am tired of feeling like I don't have a place to go. I am tired of trusting people and that trust being taken advantage of.

I hope you can understand to some degree why I felt so desperate on Saturday night. I really was feeling like I was burden on everyone and I felt bad for those that love me. I wanted to try to spare them anymore sadness in their life. I thought it would be better for them if they just didn't have to deal with me. You know how sometimes when someone kills them self their loved ones are standing around saying, "he/she had everything, why would he/she do this?" Well, when you look at my life I had a hard time thinking of why anyone would say that. I thought it would be more of a relief to be gone for those that I love. Here I am at 34 and I can't seem to find love, I am having horrible financial problems, I have a family that hates me and wants nothing to do with me except to torment me and I have a house that I might lose if I don't sell it.

I am better then Saturday. When I was talking to my friend I told her that I am not better then I was in March. Her response was very simple: Yes you are better then you were in March. You are still here.

Today I took a mental health day. I just needed a day where I could concentrate on one thing: nothing. I could probably use about 20 more days like today before I will feel completely ready to take on the world. But for now, one day will have to do.

I know all the struggles I have been through will someday pay off. Until they do, I will keep fighting. The words to the song The Boxer have really helped me through the last couple days. The fighter in me will always remain.