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I need to take a break. There is so much going on in my little world that I just need to take a step back and at least try to catch my breathe. Right now I am feeling like I can't breathe and I am feeling like I am panicking. I am worried because I have never felt like this before, not even when Laura left.

I literally feel that with each day I am slowly losing my sanity. Each morning I wake up and I am more disgusted with the person I see in the mirror. How in the world can I expect others to love me and accept me when I don't even do that for myself.

Tonight I was talking with a friend and I told her that I feel sorry for those that love me. I have not been the easiest person to live with the last 7 months. I have made it very difficult for people to love me. I am desperate to feel the love from others, but then when I finally start to feel that love I push people completely out of my life. The crazy thing is I then wonder how in the world they could do that to me. It's very clear now to see that no they did not turn away from me, I pushed them out of my life all by myself. I just hope that when I come to my senses I will not have pushed every one away. But from where I am sitting right now, I am almost making it certain that I will have no one around me when I finally see the light.

So, I openly apologize to all of those that do love me. I am sorry that I have made it so hard to love me. I am sorry that I pushed you away when I really meant to pull you closer. I am sorry that I fought your love as much as I did. I hope you realize that I really do need love, but it's just hard for me to ask for that love. For some reason I do not feel deserving of that love.

I am sorry for taking so much over the last seven months. I am sorry if I have been a burden on any of you. I think the one thing I really do regret over the last seven months is how bad of a friend I have been. I have not returned emails or phone calls. There some of my friends that are going through a lot worse things and I feel I am horrible because I can't even take out a few minutes to be a friend for them.

I am going to take a small break from blogging until I can get everything figured out. I hope you will hang in there with me and be there when I return.