Today my mind is spinning. I pray that I am not spinning out of control again. Things seem so complicated right now and I wish I had some clarity. I keep searching and it seems that each time I go searching I just find more confusion.I have this picture in my mind of how I want things, but is that picture just a fantasy? Can it become reality? If I think about what I want hard enough will I then open my eyes and find that my fantasy has become a reality? It's funny because I used to think that I wanted my life to be a certain way. Once my life was the way I wanted it to be I still didn't seem happy.
I have always had such high expectations of myself. I don't allow myself to make mistakes and if I do make a mistake then I beat myself until I am black and blue on the inside. When I make myself black and blue on the inside no one can see it, or can they? I know the way we perceive ourselves comes across to other people that know us and love us. I wonder if sometimes I hide it so well that no one can tell how badly I am broken on the inside. What would happen if I let someone in to see how much damage I have done to myself? I know that I pray that they would still love me and help me help myself, but do I ever let someone truly in? I don't think I do. I have a point where I will let someone in just far enough and then close up again. I wonder what it feels like to allow someone to see all of you. I imagine it's very nice and maybe one day I will get there.
My therapist asked me if I felt I was damaged goods. Wow, what a hard question to answer. Yes, I do think to some degree I am damaged. I think that is why I don't really let anyone in. I am afraid when they see how much damage I have done to myself they will change their mind about me. It seems that at some point people are always leaving me. This feeling goes all the way back to when I was adopted. Why is rejection so hard for me to accept. Everyone is rejected at some point in the life; why can't I accept that rejection as a flaw on their part rather then something being wrong with me?
This post reminds me of a line from a song: You can't always be bad, you can't always be good.
Somewhere along the line I learned that I always have to be good. And when I do make a mistake or make a bad decision then there is something horribly wrong with me. I need to learn that making mistakes is a way to learn and grow.
When your heart is hurt as badly as mine was six months ago it brought up a lot of other stuff that I never dealt with. I thought I had dealt with this stuff, but really I had just pushed it off and figured I would deal with it later. Well, now is later and I am being forced to deal with this. Some of this stuff is really old and pretty bad now.
Who knew healing would take so much work and be so emotionally draining? I surely didn't.
13 comments:
You say (truncated): "My therapist asked me if I felt I was damaged goods. Wow, what a hard question to answer. Yes, I do think to some degree I am damaged. ... why can't I accept that rejection as a flaw on their part rather then something being wrong with me?"
Oh, yes, honey, you do see yourself as damaged goods. You spent your childhood trying to please your parents to avoid rejection (although I think you were quite safe in their love as a child), and it was reinforced when you were "cast out" of everything you knew as "your life." You do set high standards for yourself (not a bad thing) and don't like to admit failure (who does?). But don't give up when you don't meet the standard of perfection you visualize.
Last night at our dinner a phrase came up in a joking manner, but right now it strikes me that you need to have this in your bag of coping tricks. When something goes wrong for the person who brought this up, she says, "But that doesn't make me a bad person." Yeah!! Your "shortcomings" as you see them are simply *human* and they do not make you a bad person. You are one of the best people I've ever met!! You're not perfect. But I wouldn't be able to be your friend if you were, because I'd look so bad beside you!! You're not perfect, but ... that doesn't mean you're a bad person.
And never forget that I love you unconditionally.
Caroline,
You are not alone, nor are you so damaged you will loose all friends if you let someone in. We are all damaged to a degree. Some more than others, others, moreso than you think because they don't let the "ugly" show. You'd be amazed.
We are all here for you, you know where to find me.
Caroline
You are at the beginning of the most important journey you will ever take for yourself.Self discovery of who you are under all this hurt takes a great deal of emotion at times and you will feel like you have so much and cannot focus on anything. One important thing my counselor made with me was that I would have these times and they will pass. I have certain music I play during these times to help calm me. It is ok not to be perfect. In fact it's just to damn hard. Everyone will/still love you when you make a mistake. You have to love yourself enough to let yourself off the hook during the hard times. You have alot of people rooting for you here in cyberspace.
I tend to picture myself as more of a hand-me-down than damaged goods, but I completely see where you are coming from! Very well written post!
Caroline- I definately feel like damaged goods. I know it's hard to think of yourself differently, to change you self concept. I have tried really hard to do that with varying degrees of success.I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. I know you had to wait for your Ins. to kick in, so its good that you are going. It takes hard work to do that and to be honest and really try and make progress.
Good job! ((hugs))
Caroline,
U are definately in good company when it feels like being damaged goods. I have felt that way all my life due to being abused as a child. I never have felt like I am good enough to be loved but over the last 2 years have finally made some signifacant progress.
Please read the quote under my blog title and try to apply it to you as a new motto (revised verison):
It's not what I am but what I am becoming. It's not what has happened to me, but what will happen. It's not where I've been, but where I am going.
You are a strong woman and I one I admire from a distance even though we really don't know each other. U have inspired me more than you know.
I think, to some extent, we are ALL damaged goods. I don't believe we can get through life without being damaged to some degree on some level. Some more than others.
I think it's all part of being human.
I't show you choose to deal with your damage that matters. Some ignore it (never good - it's always right there waiting), some work through it and find peace. Most do a bit of both.
Just my opinion...
Wow what a post.I think in our own ways we are all damaged goods I think the point in life (at least mine) is not letting the people that I have the most influence on becoming damaged also.And its a hard fight but a fight that has to be fought.And if we are lucky and willing to get the help or healing that we need.Thank you for the post
Caroline: I understand. You are not alone. Even if I don't know you IRL, I feel your pain and confusion. You are doing a really good job. It's hard, I know.
Lynilu, you are a wonderful friend. I love that Caroline has someone who tells her she is loved unconditionally. It's wonderful.
Peace.
Thanks, Traci.
And as some others say here, we are all damaged to some extent. Yours seems greater to you because you *know the extent of your scars* even though you don't show them to everyone else. But you're a beautiful person, and those scars have been part of your unique development.
Since I am late to comment, so many other people here are saying what I want to say to you as well.
I grew up in Foster homes, and if someone were to ask ME if I felt like damaged goods, mostly because of my childhood, I wouldn't even hesitate to say yes. It might be pretty crappy for awhile - these therapy sessions that pull this stuff out, but IT GETS BETTER, I PROMISE YOU.
Some people live their whole lives with that damage inside and they never do anything about it, they just think things are the way they are supposed to me. You are choosing to live another way and it makes you, hmmm, new, shiny goods? (the opposite of damaged goods just isn't coming to me.)
We get one life. You are facing yours and making necessary changes. This is GOOD.
Hey sweetie..listen to your friends here. Most of us have been where you are right now..and look how good we turned out!!!
Seriously...try not to be so hard on yourself. Enjoy this time with your new love, it is a special time.
When you are feeling really down, do something, anything at all. Try this...25 set-ups each time you feel down. And I mean every time. You will train yourself to stay positive and have rock hard abs!!!
peace...
Then you talked with Katie and all the world was right! Seriously I am glad you are in a better place today and I think everybody is damaged to some extent in their own little ways.
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