Ever since I wrote that email to my Mom I have been doing a lot of thinking. When I sent it and even when I posted it to my blog I was thinking it was a good email, but I had no idea how much I have truly changed in the last six months until I went back and read it the next day. As I was reading the email again it was if I was reading what someone else wrote, not my own words.
For so long I have masked my hurt with anger. Instead of admitting that I was hurt, I would lash out in anger. It is a lot easier to be angry then to admit that I was hurt. When it comes to my parents I think I spent most of the last 3 1/2 years angry with them. I was too afraid to just admit that I was really just hurt. When Laura left six months ago I was sad and hurt, but around May I switched that feeling to angry. And for the last four months I have only expressed my anger at Laura. The truth is, I am still just really hurt at what she has done. I am hurt that she loved someone more than me. I am hurt that she lied to me. I am hurt that she has just walked away from all her responsibilities here.
When I was a child we went to Hawaii five times. As many of you might know, the big island of Hawaii is an active Volcano. I remember standing on the lava and looking down and seeing the hot lava moving underneath. The other thing that I always noticed was the amazing and beautiful growth that was all around me. I used to find it amazing that something could grow back in what seemed like complete destruction.
After re-reading that email I wrote my Mom I realized and became grateful for the new growth that has occurred in me since March. Sitting here tonight I really do feel like a totally different person then I was the day before the breakup.
Sometimes the most devastating event can actually create something even more beautiful.
I think it's time to write that letter to Laura.
4 comments:
Yes, it will probably be a healing act. I like your statement: "Sometimes the most devastating event can actually create something even more beautiful." Absolutely. And it is you.
It will be healing, and I would say too that it will be healing even if you choose not to send the letter. Of course, you must make the decision. I have found, though, that when I need to write this kind of letter, sometimes just the act of writing is enough of a release for those emotions...and whether the letter's sent or not, I can feel better just getting it off my chest.
Your post brought the song "Life Ain't Always Beautiful" By Gary Allen to my mind....
Part of the chorus is:
Life aint' always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride.
Go girl - it will be cathartic!
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