The last month or so has definitely been a time to reflect and look back on all the memories I have had in my house in the last 9+ years. A lot of really good stuff has happened, but a lot of stuff that I would rather not remember has also happened. But I guess you need to experience some bad so you will really appreciate the good.Here are the good things that have happened since moving into the house in 1998:
*I got my bachelors degree in Social Work.
*I found Sophie dog in the inner city when she was just 12 weeks old. She was running around in the street and without thinking about it I picked her up and brought her home. One of my best decision in life.
*I got my first real job. I was so proud of myself. That first job forever changed my life and my view on social work and myself.
*I realized I was attracted to women.
*I got my first taste of freedom from religion
*I slept with my first woman
*I got my Masters Degree in Social Work in one year
*I learned how to live independently from my parents
*I became really good friends with the lady next door, who was also a Social Worker.
*Despite not being religious, I became closer to God.
Here are some of the things I would rather forget:
*I went through a nasty divorce
*I made some very poor decisions in regards to money
*I got kicked out of the church for smoking (2000)
*I went back to the church after loneliness and guilt (2001)
*I put aside my wants and needs for those of my family for 3 years
*I got kicked out of the church for being gay (2004--Actually Sunday marks the 3rd anniversary of that shunning ceremony)
*I allowed myself to get comfortable in a relationship and in the end I lost everything I had given (but I am learning to be ok with that)
*I lost my beloved dog Casey (2001)
*Ice Storm of 2002. Lost power for 4 days and family would not allow me to stay in their house (which had heat) because I was disfellowshipped.
As many of you know (or may not know) when my Grandmother (Mom's Mom) passed away my EX husband and I bought this house. The house has been in the family since it was built, so there are a lot of memories here. I have pictures of myself when I was a baby in the front yard. This house has always been a part of my life, in some way.
I feel like I have had an extra 10 years with my Grandmother. It's hard not to feel her presence when you walk in here. When she passed away her perfume bottle was left in the bathroom closet. Until just a few days ago, that bottle was still on the shelf. Every once in a while I would smell it just so I could remember what my Grandmother smelled like. Her perfume will follow me to my new place. I am hoping her presence will follow me as well.
Even though my family does not talk to me, I felt the connection to them through this house. It's hard letting go of (what I think) is the last connection to my family.
Not talking to my family and being in this house has brought me a lot of comfort. When I get that overwhelming feeling of my Grandmothers presence or smell her perfume I feel as if she is saying "I love you no matter who you love my sweet Caroline".
So if I seem a little down for the next week or so it's because it's not just a house I am saying goodbye to.
11 comments:
Very nice post. It's ok to grieve over the house and your life that happened there. Just roll with it, feel it, accept it and keep moving forward. Big hugs as you travel this journey.
It is more than just a house, as you said. But Caroline it is time to close this chapter of your life and move on to the next which I hope for you will have a happier ending!
I hear you honey. {{{Caroline}}}
I truly believe your family is who you make it.
Honey that must be VERY hard for you. Yes I agree with Casey, it's okay and perfectly natural to grieve over a house. You have been marvelous through everything Caroline and thanks for your kind words to me yesterday also. It's gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay :)
Yes it's healthy to remember the good and bad of a house...houses are very special parts of our lives. You must also be getting pretty excited about being somewhere NEW. Blank slate - where are you going to put each piece of furniture, what new things are you going to buy? A new pretty shower curtain, painting new colors...that's very fun stuff!
I KNOW your grandmother would say that. She was a woman of great heart; you don't just turn that off. I'm guessing she is going with you to your next home, and she will comfort your there, also.
I know this is a big step, and not an easy one. But I also know you will grow because of it. Hugs, dear girl. :')
PS - from now on, your home, your life is really yours. Just yours.
casey--i know the more i feel of this whole process the easier it will be to let it all go as well...
jaded mama--i realize it's time to close this chapter. i guess the best word for it is...bittersweet
traci--thank you for the hugs
katie--oh, i do believe that as well. there are moments when my mind knows it, but my heart is waiting to catch up at other times
patti--when i first read your comment it made me cry. you are so right..we are both going to be more then OK
sandra--i am very excited to be moving to a place that has no memories. i just hope the pets are as excited as i am. i am sure they will be once they get over the shock of having to move
lynilu--i loved your second comment. i need to remember that on days when i am feeling down or feeling sorry for myself. thank you for the words i needed to hear.
Caroline-
I could relate in so many ways. Our journeys are different, but some of the hurts are the same. I know your Grandma would be proud of you. ((hugs))
Caroline, I nominated you for an award at my blog site! Please come check it out. I know this is a bad weekend, but get to it when you can. :)
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