OK, I need a little help from all my friends out there. I don't usually ask for compliments or comments to boost my self esteem, but I feel I need them today more then ever. Laura is here packing more of her stuff and it's been kind of bad. She continues to turn this on me and try to make me feel bad for things. Please tell me that I should not feel bad for the following:
*Not taking that first job. I am so tired of her saying that I would not be in my financial situation if I had taken the first job. As a social worker, I don't just take a job for the paycheck. I have to have some motivation for the job, especially if I am working with children.
*For taking two weeks before I start my new job. I was just offered the job last Thursday and realistically I would not have been able to start until this coming Monday due to background checks, physicals and drug tests that need to be done. So really, I am only taking off one additional week.
*For making her get her things out here sooner then later.
*For telling her she cheated on me. She insists she did not, but emotionally she did. Cheating is cheating in my book.
*For telling her not to talk to me like I am a 12 year old. She did that for three years and it was three years too long.
*For not having made a decision regarding the house. The last six weeks I was not in a position mentally to make any major decisions. I know she wants off the mortgage/deed, but she must be patient until I can figure out what I want to do.
*For having this blog. She never liked it and has given me grief for years because I choose to have my own space on this blog.
*For talking with her about how overwhelmed I am feeling about all that needs to be done. She told me that I need to make a decision regarding the house. I interrupted that as "I want out of the responsibility of this house as soon as possible".
*For not wanting to hear how perfect her life is with her. At this moment it's just too hard for me to hear how happy she is with another woman. I keep telling her that one day I will get there, but right now it's just to hard.
*Almost forgot this one: for wanting to keep my Honda Accord. When we first decided to break up she wanted to take the Honda (and the payment) and I would keep her car. I don't like her car and never have. I knew it needed a lot of work and didn't want to put any money into it. She wanted to take the Honda so financially it would be a little easier on me. I understand that, but I didn't want to loose my car. When we sold her car we found out that the frame was bend and they told us it was not safe to drive. When this was brought up again today about the car, her response to me was , "we didn't know that at the time". Like that makes a difference? The car was not safe to drive and that pisses me off that she would want me driving in a car that is obviously not safe to drive.
Oh, and the sunny day I was hoping for did not happen. It's still rainy and gloomy outside. Thursday has got to be better.
28 comments:
Caroline, again, I'm probably sounding like heartless a bitch, but you are giving her WAY too much power over you, your emotions, and your life, even if you don't mean to. She GAVE UP THE RIGHT to have any say or any opinion about anything you do when she made the decision to go to Louisiana.
If she's making you feel bad, then she can't feel guilty about what she's done to you. It's a mind game, Caroline. Don't play it.
You have not one blasted thing to feel bad about, except maybe not throwing her ass out into the street the second you found out what was really going on with her and the chick in Louisiana.
BTW, as far as the mortgage/deed, don't do a thing until you talk with a gay/lesbian friendly lawyer in your area who's knowledgeable about real estate law. You don't need to make any decisions quickly that'll make life easy for her, and possibly screw you over. You've been screwed over enough.
Honestly, take or lock up what you don't want her to have, leave the house until she's done, and stop giving her control over you in any way, shape, or form.
I'm so sorry she is being (pardon thy French) a royal bitch. She did this, NOT YOU. You're a wonderful, caring and loving person. You're putting yourself first and it is about damn time she accepts that. Your blog is your space for people who care about you. You tried to include her and she chose not to participate. She did deceive you, she did cheat on you (if not physically, then still in every sense of the word). Her life may seem perfect to her now, but it isn't. If it was she wouldn't be doing her best to make you feel bad. Take the time you need for your job and to determine what to do with the house.
As for Laura, she needs to put her energy into packing her stuff, not talking to you. I know I'm on the outside of what's happening hearing your side of things but I'm appalled for you! Cheating is the lowest thing you can do to someone you allegedly love. Her leaving town to see the other woman while telling you she was going to another city for a work conference? I challenge someone to tell me that isn't a betrayal that amounts to emotional cheating.
Sorry, that last post was again from Kelly in KC. I'm just on a roll today and feeling mighty protective of you. Don't let her bring you down. That is a choice you have. EMPOWER YOURSELF!
Caroline - Sassyfemme is a WISE WOMAN. Listen to her.
*Not taking that first job. - You have every right to make a choice about a job. That is a huge part of your life
*For taking two weeks before I start my new job * Probably just jealousy on her part. I don't know.
*For making her get her things out here sooner then later. * That is just common sense. Why prolong the agonly or make things easier for her when she was in the wrong.
*For telling her she cheated on me. * Oh YES she did cheat on you. She betrayed you BIG TIME.
*For telling her not to talk to me like I am a 12 year old. She did that for three years and it was three years too long. * Amen sister. Nothing I can add to this.
*For not having made a decision regarding the house. * Again, do not do what is convenient for HER. Do what YOU need to do.
*For having this blog. * Control issues, baby. Control issues.
*For talking with her about how overwhelmed I am feeling about all that needs to be done. She told me that I need to make a decision regarding the house. I interrupted that as "I want out of the responsibility of this house as soon as possible". * And you are probably right. Again, do not do what is convenient for HER. Do what is right for YOU.
*For not wanting to hear how perfect her life is with her * She should have enough common sense to be sensitive to your feelings. Give it time,the glow will fade.
Oh, and the sunny day I was hoping for did not happen. It's still rainy and gloomy outside. Thursday has got to be better. * Keep that chin up girlfriend. it's getting there.
Don't engage! Listen to sassyfemme and all the other great responses.
You are now responsible for you. You make the decisions and you live with the consequences. It isn't her deal anymore and if you are okay with your decisions and how that affects YOUR life... then that is all that matters.
If it is financially possible to take the extra time off before starting work, I would. It is an opportunity that doesn't come around often.
Seperation is hard hard HARD... no matter how easy and friendly anyone wants it to be. I'm so glad I wasn't home when my ex packed up and moved his things. I couldn't be there otherwise I'm sure I would have. In the end, it was good that I wasn't.
I am a relative new reader and try to come in everyday to see how you are doing. I am a strong, confident secure butch woman, who says you need to kick her to the curb!!! She is not worth the sh*t you are putting yourself thru. By continuing to allow her to get to you, she walks away with all the power. Take it back..
*Not taking that first job. - None of her damn business. It's your life and you will do what you need to do.
*For taking two weeks before I start my new job * If you took 2 years, it's still not her business. Quit giving a damn about how she feels.
*For making her get her things out here sooner then later. She's damn lucky she kept them, in my opinion. Her shit would have ended up on the curb, next to her new girlfriend.
*For telling her she cheated on me. She obviously can't handle the truth. She's a cheat and always will be. Consider yourself lucky she is out of your life and doesn't matter any longer.
*For telling her not to talk to me like I am a 12 year old. She did that for three years and it was three years too long. * Tell her not to talk to you....EVER. It will be her loss, count of it.
*For not having made a decision regarding the house. * Takes femme's advice seriously on this one. And oh, by the way...have you rec'd her share of the mortgage for the last 2 months. I wouldn't let her of the hook for that either!!!
*For having this blog. Read my lips....BITE ME! I would even invite her to read the comments, if she is woman enough!!
*For talking with her about how overwhelmed I am feeling about all that needs to be done. She told me that I need to make a decision regarding the house. I interrupted that as "I want out of the responsibility of this house as soon as possible". Tell her she will be hearing from your lawyer as soon as you can arrange it. Tell her the new g/f might have to sell the trailer to make some quick cash!
*For not wanting to hear how perfect her life is with her* This is a no brainer....tell her life is about to become more complicated. And make it happen...pay back is hell and you need to start planning it. It give you more strength than you can even imagine!!
My name's PJ by the way, nice to meet you.....
1:06 PM
Caroline I wish you didn't have to go through this nightmare.
The best advice I can give it to try to seperate your emotions from the situation. You did not do this to her- SHE DID THIS TO YOU!
Deal with it as you would any business transaction.
If SHE wants her name off the mortgage SHE should pay the cost, if there is one, for that (whether you need to refinance or not)
Not only did she hurt you by cheating (if she was seeing anyone else while you were together HELLO that is cheating) but now she is dragging things out.
As for her things- let her know she has until a certain day and time to get all her things out of the house and return the key, garage door openers (whatever access she has to the home) to you or her things will be boxed for her and left at the curb. (If you give her like 2 weeks written notice it will stand up in court)
You have the RIGHT to not let yourself be walked over. Don't be her doormat anymore! She chose to leave you and so she is going to have to deal with the fact that she NO LONGER has a say in your life.
Your name is on the car..frankly she has no right to it. Try to not let that get nasty but you have a LEGAL right to the car and can have her arrested for stealing it.
I know you have said you wanted to remain on friendly terms with her but from what I have read she doesn't seem to make that possible for you.
HANG IN THERE
This gloomy weather is getting me down as well. Hang in there, there has to be another sunny day soon!
As far as the decisions you have made over the last couple of months, they were your decisions to make and she has no right to tell you otherwise. She chose to leave you and her right to have any say about your life was gone the second she left. I know you two have intentions to stay friends but right now you need her to just leave you alone and let you have some space.
You are a strong woman and you will get through this. I have faith in you.
I'm sorry you are having to go through all this. I think Laura should be bending over backward to make this easy for you -- not the other way around. From what I undersand, she made a choice, and these are the consequences.
I think you've made some good job decisions. You have to think about your long-term career -- not the short-term. And any current financial problems you might be having are not the result of career-planning -- they are the result of having your stability ripped out from under you. Most people in committed, long-term relationships would have some financial problems if that relationship suddenly died. I know I would. It isn't your fault that you treated her like a life partner when you were given every reason to do so.
I hope at the very least, you get some sun soon. :)
The long and short of it - what sasyfemme said. But...
I had to stand up and walk away from the computer for a few moments when I read the "issues" that she had with you. Girl, snatch that control right back where it belongs - with YOU! You're a Social Worker, you know theory - she's shown herself to be something other than what you were led to believe. What she wants, what she thinks, what she says = zero consideration from you. It's done, it's over, it's all about you now.
I've been working out of town for 24 days and am flying back to KC tomorrow. Don't turn me into my Mom and make me come over there! LOL!
Promise you this - sun or no sun, KC will be a great place to be tomorrow! Make yourself a date to do something you enjoy, hug those animals, read a great book, grill a steak, go get a spa treatment. Do something FUN! And give her not another thought.
Luv,
Perfectly Parker's Mommy
sassy--first of all, I do not think you are a heartless bitch. i thank you for all the great advice you have given me. thank you for all your support and encouragment. it has meant a lot to me.
kelly--thank you for all the wonderful comments. it feels kind of good that someone is feeling protective of me. i have felt so alone in all of this. it was nice hearing
patti--thank you for your continued support. you know i heart you patti.
sonya--part of the reason i wanted to be here is because i wanted to see what she was taking out of the house. i don't think she would take anything of mine, infact, i know she wouldn't. i just wanted to be here
pj--you really made me laugh with your comment. thank you for the smile today and i hope you continue to come back and comment
anonymous--i agree with the cheating part. i told her she was investing in that other relationship before she ended it with me. in my book...that is cheating. thanks for commenting
dee--i have been praying for just a little bit of sun today. i hope tomorrow will be better. thank you also for all your great comments. hopefully we will meet in person when NSP comes to town
amy--thank you. i think i worried most about what you would think of this whole break up thing. one of the last posts i did before the breakup you commented about how this time (the ceremony coming up) felt real. part of me still feels like a fool for not seeing what was going on and for going on and on abot how happy we were. i guess the joke was on me :)
parkers mom--thank you for the comment. as much as i know about the whole social work thing, it's still so hard to apply it to your own life. it's so much easier telling someone else how to change rather then changing yourself. we should get together for lunch or something when you get back to town.
OOOOHHH NO. Not giving her any of that. Sassy's right it's a mind game and she's trying to rationalize her poor treatment of you. You are the one that has to live with the consequences of your decisions so don't feel bad about making the ones that are good for CAROLINE (she didn't feel bad about making the ones that were good for Laura) Make the right choices for YOU and if you're not ready to make a decision yet, then don't. we're here for you and we all think you ROCK!
Hey... sorry to post on your blog. I hadn't been reading it really but another friend pointed out that you're getting the same treatment from Laura that I'm getting from Sharon. So I read today, and they're right.
About the car... did you know Sharon did that same deal with her and gave Laura her Honda CRV to assume payments on (it's almost paid off already) while Sharon bought a new car? Don't feel bad about the dang car. Your ex is set.
Don't rush the process with the house. I'm keeping the house on this end, but Sharon's getting a ****load of money out of me that I should never have agreed to. I should have talked to a lawyer first because what she wants is unreasonable and no lawyer would have given it to her. My guess would be they want the money to pay on a house here.
One consolation... both L and S seem to be hugely controlling individuals. Together, that's going to work against them... they're bound to conflict with each other eventually.
And yes, emotional cheating is STILL cheating. You can't tell me that telling two different people simultaneously that you love them is not cheating. Besides which, both you and I were lied to about their relationship. If that's not cheating, I don't know what is.
Also, Sharon had been putting a guilt trip on me about "kicking her out of the house" when she broke up with me (I gave her a 2-week deadline)... I found out today that she had already put a down payment on an apartment BEFORE she broke up with me. Don't fall for the same false guilt tripping on your end.
Wow. The other woman's ex is posting here.
The drama.
Caroline, Don't do this to yourself. Listen to Sassy and the others, step back and let her be a bitch all by herself, you do not need to participate.
See a lawyer. Like call someone tomorrow. Seriously.
Hi Caroline! I wanted to thank you for your comment on my blog. It meant a lot to me, and I'm happy to know that you've been reading!
And on topic, I agree with the other commenters that she's controlling. I don't see one single thing in that list that you should feel bad about. And I also can't see how it's any of her business to begin with, but maybe I need to catch up a little bit with the archives to understand.
I hope the weather clears up so you can feel the sun on your face. I know how that can make a world of difference.
I don't want to sit here and blast on Laura, and I am not like that. And I am not writing this to blow sunshine up your butt.
I know we haven't hung out in person, but I think I've seen enough to know that you are a great thoughtful person.
The things that she is upset about and trying to make you feel like you should apologize for ARE B.S.
Do not second guess yourself. These things are power trips. They are signs that it was not a healthy relationship if this is what she is throwing at you right now.
You deserve a healthy relationship. Don't let these things she's spewing out fall onto you like blame. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. This is a two person game. (I also strongly believe that emotional cheating is even worse than physical cheating - not that either is ok.)
Caroline - do not do anything with the mortgage/deed until you talk to a lawyer. If you need to email me offline at hollykr1976 at yahoo dot com, please do.
There can be many tax implications in this since you may be considered "legal strangers." You need to not only talk to a lawyer, but also an accountant who is familiar with same sex couples' financial issues.
You are strong. You are better than this. You deserve to be treated better.
Sending hugs your way.
YOU have done nothing wrong and owe no apologies or explanations to anyone. It sounds to me like her comments, etc are motivated by guilt on her end (as in "you'd be ok and I wouldn't have to feel guilty if you had just taken that first job." And "We can just put this all behind us if I get my name off the house and my new g/f is riding my butt about it.") and anger ("Why do I have to get my stuff out so quickly it's not like you do't have the space to store it and I don't have the space to move it since I'm in a studio apt with someone else.").
You just stand tall and keep telling yourself "I am worth more than I even understand."
HUgs. I know this part sucks and the up and downs are maddening. Just like in the book I sent though, the pattern of the ups and downs will even out in time. I promise. Just keep hanging in there and for whatever it's worth - I think not taking the first job was a good move. It sounds like this new job will be a great fit.
:)
yankeegirl--thank you so much for the wonderful comment. i needed to hear that someone thinks i rock.
jen--hi and thanks for stopping by. i think you are the one person that knows the situation so well and has been through the exact thing and understands. thanks again for the comment, it was good hearing from you
rsg--i was as surprised as anyone when jen commented. i am taking a huge step back and not going to play any more of her games
kim--thanks for stopping by and thanks again for posting that wonderful poem
holly--thank you for the advice and suggestions. i know i need to protect myself in all of this.
casey--you of anyone know that i do not hate laura and only wish her the best, but it still hurts my heart when she treats me badly and talks to me so harshly. she has already called and apologized for yesterday which was some comfort to me. i think of anyone here, you know she is not a bad person and i was just really angry when i wrote this post.
I find it interesting that when we break up with someone suddenly our we see our formerly "happy relationship" for what it really was, but at the time, we honestly couldn't see all of the problems clearly, or more likely - we ignored them.
My challenge that I plan to work on in the future, is to not let these types of things go ignored until there's a big mountain of them to look back on. It's tough though. I feel like this is the key to a healthy relationship, but wow, it is tough.
You have learned so much from this experience Caroline - you'll bring so much more wisdom and understanding of yourself into your next relationship.
Oh Caroline. I have some strong feelings about what you are going through, but I suspect that most everything has been said already here.
You guys aren't together. It doesn't matter what her opinion is about you or your life. She has no say and no input.
I would caution you, however, to make a decision on the house and the car. It's time to sever ties, but do it wisely and with advice of someone much more knowledgeable than me.
And, her stuff needs to go. If she has a new life, then her stuff has a new place.
You'll never be able to let go until the ties are broken. I know you want to be friends, but that can come later. For now, you need distance, space and a chance to start your own life. Do just that.
Ok, I know you wanted some positive comments directed towards you. I, however, have something to say to Laura. STEP OFF BITCH!
This whole post rings bells for me honey. When someone leaves or is thrown out or whatever, they loose all rights to an opinion about what you are doing. At the very least, that individual does not get to direct what you do!
I'm with Sassy. Get an attorney and don't do anything until you are ready to.
I'm sorry this sucks so badly.
Bad relationships are like smoking.
You know it's bad for you, and you know you HAVE to quit, but it's hard to do because of the behaviors you've become accustomed to.
The only way to successfully quit is to WANT to quit. If you enjoy smoking, you can't quit. But if you don't enjoy it, you need to start telling yourself "I CAN quit," and that positive mindset helps you through the rough times.
And it takes two people to make/break a relationship. If she insists on putting it on you, then she's unable to see herself as anything other than purely innocent and you don't need someone like that in your life.
Wow Sniper One (AKA ELF or Evil Little Fuck as I like to call you)...you have it all figured out. I'm glad you were able to contribute your two cents, which is about what they are worth. Let me correct you a little:
*Not taking that first job. I am so tired of her saying that I would not be in my financial situation if I had taken the first job
No matter what situation you might be in, you would be better off by having an income. That's a *duh* statement.
No matter why you take a job, your always better off employed.
Laura encouraged Caroline to quit the first job. There's a post about it. Being a social worker is about human connection and I presume Caroline didn't want to establish a relationship with vulnerable people she would be serving only to sever that tie when something else came along. It'sc alled humanity.
*For telling her not to talk to me like I am a 12 year old. She did that for three years and it was three years too long.
Quit behaving like one, and maybe she'll stop treating you like one. Oh sorry... it's your tantrum and you'll cry if you want to...
Why can Caroline not request Laura treat her like an adult? Laura made grown up choices with grown up consequences. Surely she can act like one too and speak respectfully to Caroline.
*For talking with her about how overwhelmed I am feeling about all that needs to be done. She told me that I need to make a decision regarding the house. I interrupted that as "I want out of the responsibility of this house as soon as possible".
You should get her off the house as soon as possible. As long as her name is on the title, she could, in theory, find a lawyer to get it from you. I wouldn't bet your home on the milk of human kindness.
I think many of the other posts have referred Caroline to a lawyer. She is working on it, at her own pace, and with knowledge of what the consequences of waiting are.
*For telling her she cheated on me. She insists she did not, but emotionally she did. Cheating is cheating in my book.
Your not being twelve at all, now are you... WAAAAA!
Laura did cheat! Why can't Caroline mourn the loss of a relationship and feel anger and betrayal because her partner cheated? That isn't throwing a tantrum, that's stating a reality that rocked Caroline's world.
Your getting off easy... at least you don't have to go through a divorce. So quit your bitching and get back to growing up.
Once again, your is not the right word. You claim to be all knowing, use proper grammar! You're!!! Anyway, I'm sure Caroline would happily have gone through the pain of a divorce to have had the same rights and privileges of married couples for the three years they were together.
Maybe it's you who needs to grow up and examine your need to be so cruel and hateful towards someone you haven't seen or had positive interaction with in two decades.
Kelly in KC
What is going on Girl? I just logged on a few moments ago and it looks as though there's some bad Kharma.
E-mail if you want to hook up with me and the hubs at the art fair in Brookside tomorrow.
motownoneATkc.rr.com
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