Firsts

Now that I am suddenly single again I am having to relearn how to do a lot of things by myself. I will say it's an adjustment getting used to being by myself again, but I am finding that I am enjoying the time I have by myself. It's kind of nice deciding to do something and not having to tell someone what I am doing or even yet ask if it's ok that I do this. This is the first time in my life that I have done exactly what I wanted and not thought about what anyone else thought. Before Laura there were my parents that had a tight leash on me and always wanted to know what I was doing. It was as if I was a teenager living on my own with the way they kept a close eye on me. I remember when Laura and I first met we were on the phone and my Mother was not able to get through on the phone line. She called my cellphone until I finally picked up and then had a million questions as to why I was not answering the call waiting. So, now that I am single and not under the control of my parents, it feels very good. I still get lonely, but I have a lot of friends that I can call on when I do start to feel lonely.

Yesterday was a day filled with a lot of firsts since being single. First of all, I woke up and decided that I wanted some breakfast. It used to be that when I wanted to eat breakfast out I would just go through a drive-thru and bring it home. The thought of going to a restaurant by myself paralyzed me with fear. I kept thinking "what would people think of me". Well, yesterday I went to a sit down restaurant by myself and ate breakfast. It felt empowering to say with confidence "Table for One". As I sat and ate my breakfast I realized I am going to be just fine by myself or with someone else. Either way I am going to be just fine.

Later in the day I decided that I didn't want to sit around all night, so I was going to go to one of the local gay bars by myself. I headed out around 8:30pm and felt that confidence overflowing. As I walked in I sat down at the bar and ordered my drink. I felt so proud of myself for taking a leap of faith and taking my happiness back into my own control. This bar/club was a little slower then it usually is, but I enjoyed sitting and watching the people. I even got up enough courage to talk to a few people. I then went and sat by the dance floor and had the most pleasant conversation with two of the cutest gay men. It was such a good time that I think I have talked one of my friends to go back with me tonight.

On the way home last night I had my sun roof open, my music blasting and I felt better about myself then I have in years. Right now I am feeling that I am a woman on a mission and I can do anything that I set my mind to. I will find love again. It may not be right away (which would probably be a good thing), but I will find it. A few weeks back someone (and I am sorry I don't remember who) put it so beautifully that I may have to wait for that someone special because God is still preparing her for me. Understanding that allows me to be more patient.