National Coming Out Day 2006

In celebration of National Coming out Day I decided to delight my readers with my personal "coming out" story. I think I have shared bits and pieces, but never the whole story in one piece.

Growing up I knew about gays, but it was never an option for me. I would go to summer camp during the summers when I was young and I remember thinking "I wonder what I would do if another girl flirted with me?" I was told that I was suppose to like boys and eventually get married and have kids. Again there were no option but to do that. I wouldn't say that I was boy crazy in high school, but I did have boyfriends. Once I entered into college I still dated boys. Then in 1994 my best friend from high school told me about this thing called email. My family had a computer and I signed up for Prodigy. That is where I met my ex-husband. Long story short, we chatted for months and months and then ended up getting married.

I was miserable in this marriage. When we got married I was wearing a size 12. Six months after we got married I had gained 40lbs. I hated this life that I had created. I remember working with this guy that was gay and he had moved to Kansas City from small town in Missouri and I remember thinking, "I love how he is doing what his heart is telling him to do."

After I got my bachelors degree I started working at a particular social service agency. I loved working there. About 3 months after I started working there I met this lady that worked as a social worker for the state. I instantly felt something that I had never felt before. It was the most wonderful feeling I had ever felt. I did anything to be around this person. We would hang out after work and talk on the phone. But I was still married. I was so torn as to what to do. Plus being a Jehovah's Witness made it even more difficult. I remember telling my ex-husband about having feelings for this woman and he was very upset. His way of dealing with it was hooking up with another woman. I was just friends with this woman and nothing physical had happened. Within a few months my ex and I decided that this marriage wasn't working and we should probably go our separate ways.

At this time I was working with this girl at my job who was married. I talked to her one day about the feelings I was having for this other woman. She became a really good friend to me. One day after work I took her home and next thing I know she was kissing me. This was the first time I had kissed a woman. I immediately knew this was who I was. Kissing this person felt so right. I had never felt that kissing a guy.

After ex left I thought I knew what I wanted. I had just been kicked out of the church for the first time and I was dating a woman that I met online. I liked this woman, but it didn't feel like forever. We lasted just a few months.

After that I was very confused and went back and forth between men and women. My heart was telling me that I was gay, but then the church was telling me that I was wrong and that a life as a gay person is wrong. I just didn't know what to do.

This confusion led to depression. In the whole process of me trying to figure out who I was I went back and got my masters. After I got out of school with my masters I was pretty sure that I was gay. Then in the fall of 2002 I crashed big time. I was depressed and had a full breakdown. If it weren't for Lynilu and her late husband I don't know if I would be here. I just didn't want to live if I had to live my life as a straight Jehovah's Witness.

For two years (2002-2004) I didn't date anyone. In July 2003 I lost my job and spent 6 months on unemployment. During that six months I healed my soul. When I went back to work at the end of 2003 I was so much better mentally. For the first time in my life I felt content with where I was. It was then that God sent me the love of my life.

May 7, 2004 Laura came into my life. 3 weeks later we had our first date. We have never been apart since then.

My parents knew instantly that something was different since I was not calling them as much and I was not available to be their little servant. Finally on July 4, 2004 I told my parents that I was gay. That was the last time that I had any kind of conversation with my parents.

I have no regrets for living my life for me. Those times when I was alone wishing that I had someone to share my life with I had in my mind what I wanted that person to be. Laura meets and exceeds all those expectations.