When I knew

Last night on Oprah they had guests talking about being gay and "when they knew" they were gay. Most ofthem knew from a very young age. I didn't know until I was in my twenties. My Mother and I have had several debates because she is saying I lied to her most of my life. How could I have lied if I didnt' even know myself. The first "crush" I had on another person was a boy. And I dated guys all throughout my teenage years. I always saw myself as getting married and having that picture perfect life. I did get married. Infact, tomorrow would have been 10 years since we got married. I thought that was what I wanted. My ex and I had been married for 4 years when I met a MG and realized I had feelings for her. The feelings were so overwhelming. I felt like I needed to talk to this person every single day. And if I didn't talk to her then there was something missing from that day. And the way I met MG I thought it was fate. I was working at a social service agency and she was working for the state agency that deals with foster care, etc. She brought in a client that needed housing. And that's where it started. When I first stated having feelings for MG I told my ex. I wanted to be honest with him. We had started to grow apart and it was scary. Keep in mind, I am still a very devout Jehovah's Witness. I was raised and spoon-fed the thoughts and feelings that being gay is a sin and you are disgusting and vile in God's eyes. I was raised with the idea that making fun of and discriminating against gays was just fine.

After I told my ex that was it for him. He decided he was out of here. That was fine with me. So, with him gone I could explore my feelings for women. By this time MG is out of the picture. I had told MG my feelings and she politely said she was not interested in a relationship like that. I was crushed. It was several months later that I met CG. She was the first woman that I kissed. I knew from that moment that I was gay. And it scared me to death. Because I knew what the consequences would be. I knew that neither the church nor my family would approve. I didn't know what to do. So, I did nothing. This was in 2000 and it took me 4 more years to get the courage to finally say "to hell with it".

Looking back I think some of the signs were there. I remember really liking other girls, but I didn't realize I was attracted to them. It's weird because I don't think I knew what the word was. When I was a teenager I used to buy those teenage magazines like "Bop" and I would always cut out pictures of the women stars I liked. I had a whole book of cut outs from these magazines of the women stars I liked. That was a clue.

On Oprah there were a couple of people on there that came out to parents while they were teenagers and their parents kicked them out of the house. I know for a fact that if I had told my parents when I was a teenager that I was gay, they would have done the same thing. They woudl have had no problem doing that. So, I am kind of glad that I did not realize until I was on my own that I realized. It's been hard enough being on my own and dealing with the aftermath of telling my parents. I can't even imagine how difficult it would have been if I was a teenager. My parents have shown that their hearts are filled with a lot of hate. Nothing else can explain them "disposing" of their child because of their sexual orientation. I have always said from the day I came out to them that "it's sad when you get to a certain age and you aren't talking to your children". (Taken from "The Other Sister") People always say that they will probably come around in a couple years. They don't know my parents. To them, I am dead. It is easier for them to pretend I am dead, then to come to terms with their own prejudices. They don't want to come to terms with the fact that one of their children is gay. They are taking the easy road. And for that I have lost all respect for them.

So, that is "When I knew".