Another Lazy Day

I am enjoying another lazy day. I spent all of yesterday in my PJ's and enjoyed a couple naps. We've been getting a little bit of snow all weekend and it is just beautiful outside. There is something so romantic about the first snowfall of the year and I wish I could have shared the evening with Susan. I have a feeling we will be together for the first snowfall next year. :)

There have been a lot of benefits to me down sizing this year and this is the best one:
I just love my view out my front window. Sometimes I forget that I live in the middle of the city.

It's official.....I am addicted to Facebook. I have had a Facebook page for 2 years, but it's just been in the last couple of weeks where I have been spending more and more time on it. I have even talked Lynilu into having a Facebook page. It took me months and months to talk her into blogging and I think it's funny that it only took me about a week with Facebook. Is anyone else addicted to Facebook?

Today is my parents 40th wedding anniversary. I love that my parents hung in there when times were tough and have made it to this day. 40 years...that is a long time together. A few weeks ago Susan and I were talking about how hard I tried to make things work with Laura and she said she loved how I was not willing to just give up. The fact that my parents are celebrating their 40th anniversary shows me where I learned that when you love someone and make a vow to make it work, you actually do that. Thank you Mom and Dad and Happy 40th Anniversary. I love you.

Lazy Saturday

I have been very lazy this morning. I am still in my PJ's and really don't plan on going out all day. We are getting a few snow flurries and it just seems to be a good day to stay in and watch movies. I wish Susan was here with me. Her brother is still in town, so we probably won't see each other this weekend. I miss her so much when we are not together.

Sophie has started her own tradition for Thanksgiving....getting sick. In 2006 she had a really bad staph infection and then last year she split her nail and ended up bleeding all the way to the vet. This year it seems she has a bladder infection. I came home on Wednesday and she had peed on the bed. She never has accidents in the house, so when she does and it's on the bed it means she is hurting. But here it was 8pm on the night before Thanksgiving and I really didn't have the money to take her to the emergency clinic so I start doing some research on home remedies. Turns out when dogs have a UTI or bladder infection you can give them Cranberry Juice just like in humans. I was lucky because I had a bottle of Cranberry Juice, so I gave some to Sophie. She drank a little, but then stopped. So I opened a can of Chicken Noodle Soup (her favorite treat) and poured Cranberry Juice in it. She ate it right up. It's amazing, but it worked and Sophie is feeling just fine now.

Tomorrow is my parents 40th anniversary. I was thinking about sending them a card, but never got around to getting them one. I don't know if the fact that I have very little emotion regarding their anniversary means I am finally moving forward. I hope so.

Day of Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving!! I had a wonderful day with Susan and her family and am now back home with my babies.

Susan lives 2 hours north of me and the drive today was beautiful. This was the first time that I had actually been to Susan's house since we either come to my place or her house that is half way between us. I also was able to meet her Mom, brother and 12 year old nephew. Susan's house was decorated for Christmas and I love how many decorations she puts up. I took my camera, but forgot to take pictures. Susan's brother still lives in Minnesota so I had fun talking about the lovely winter weather that Minnesota experiences.

Dinner was delicious and her Mom makes the best homemade pies. One thing that I loved was we each got a fortune cookie at the end of the meal. After dinner we played a couple games of bingo and then Mexican train dominoes. There were even prizes for the winners of the bingo games.

As I was eating dinner tonight I looked across at Susan and our eyes met and she gave me the warmest smile and my heart just melted. We've been together for almost 4 months and I love that I still get butterflies when she smiles at me.

The whole day was perfect, but my favorite part was the few minutes we had after dinner where we were able to sneak away it was just the two of us. I hated having to drive home tonight without her and I look forward to the day when we are always together. Tonight we said how happy we were that I didn't sign a 12 month lease.

I hope each of you had a wonderful day filled with lots of good food and love.

Thankful

This year I have so many things to be thankful for. I have so many wonderful friends that have helped me when I was really down and ready to just give up. I have a wonderful and cozy apartment that I love. I have a job that I love and some really great co-workers that have also become my friends and family. I have each of you that continue to come back to my blog each day to encourage me. Thank you to each of you. And I have Susan. She has been the best present all year and I don't know how I managed in life without her. When I think about her and the love we share, I can't believe how lucky I am.

What are you thankful for this year?

Shining Star

Even I am shocked at how into the holidays I am this year. The holidays were so hard last year and I just wanted to skip December all together. This year things are so much better and life is how it should be. I put up my outside lights when I got home from work. I took my 2 spiral trees to work to have the maintenance guy help me put together. Talk about being embarrassed....it took him maybe 5 minutes.

Tonight when I got home I came in, put my stuff down and got busy on getting the outside lights up. I am a horrible Mom because I made Sophie wait for her evening walk. I don't have an outdoor outlet so I had to put an extension cord in the door or my bedroom. Well as I am trying to open the door (I have never opened it because there is no screen door) I am making a lot of noise. I look back on the bed and there is Bonk sound asleep. I go over and pet her and she doesn't move. My heart stops. Coming home and finding that she has passed away is something I worry about a lot. I moved my hand over her again and she jumped up like, "WHAT?" I was so happy that she was just sleeping. She followed me around for 20 minutes just meowing. I think she was a little upset that I woke her up. :)

I saw on the news the other day that the space shuttle has a machine that turns the astronauts urine into water. My question for you...could you drink the water knowing that it once was your urine? I don't know if I could.

Surprise Visit

I wasn't suppose to see Susan this weekend, but yesterday afternoon we decided we wanted to see each other. We ended up meeting at her house that is 1/2 way for both of us and it was a wonderful evening. It was kind of cold since the gas is not on in the house. When we got there it was 42degrees. Brrrr. But we managed to stay warm.

Last week Susan and I had talked and decided that I would just do a 12 month lease on my apartment since they were giving me such a good deal. (My rent was going to be lowered by almost $60/month) When I saw Susan yesterday my first question was, "What are we going to do about this distance?" She agreed that signing a 12 month lease was just crazy and that we both really want to live together. So, I called my apartment complex this morning and told them I was just going to sign a 6 month lease and then next summer Susan and I will decide what we are going to do.

I want to live in the country with Susan. As I was driving to meet her yesterday I could smell that someone was burning leaves and I was like, "I want to be able to smell that in the fall". I want to live where I don't have neighbors right on top of me and I really want a place where Sophie can go running. I know she loves our walks (and I would continue to walk her),but she is a dog with lots of energy and needs a place to just run. As much as Bonk loves the sun, she needs a place that has lots of windows where she can lay in the sun. I know we would all be happier if we were living in the country with Susan.

2009 is going to be my best year yet.

On this date

It's Saturday night and I am blogging...that means I wasn't able to see Susan this weekend. I miss her like crazy and can't wait until I get to see her on Thursday. For the last three months I have spent every Saturday night with her, so I am still trying to figure out what I am going to do for the evening.

Today is my 51st day as a non-smoker. I had some pretty vivid dreams this past week and even was really missing being able to smoke. I took the advice of a friend and worked hard at not dwelling on the craving and just to move on. It really helps not to dwell on things. Thanks my friend.

On Thursday night my next door neighbor knocked on my door to let me know he was back in town, and his knock on the door made Sophie bark. About 5 minutes after I stopped talking with my neighbor there was another knock at my door. It was my upstairs neighbor. And we all know how much he dislikes Sophie. He said that I need to do something with Sophie because she barks all.the.time. He said she barks all morning, all afternoon and all night. He even referred to her as his alarm clock. Yes Sophie barks, but not like he is saying. Whenever I am at home and she barks I make her stop. He makes it sound like I just let her bark and bark and bark. The whole time he was talking to me his hand was shacking. My first thought was..."He's going to shoot me." I have no idea why his hands were shaking so badly. He talked for a few minutes about how Sophie bothers him and I then told him I would work with her more and he left. He is so strange.

Susan's birthday is a week from Monday so I went out shopping for her today. I have a couple things planned that will hopefully make this a birthday she will never forget.

On this date in 1994 I flew to Sacramento to spend Thanksgiving with my ex-husband and his family. I knew that James was going to propose while I was there. (I told you I was good at remembering dates) It's amazing how different my life is now compared to back then. I really hope James is happy.

I miss my girl.

Ben & The Christmas Tree

As you can see I am not the only one excited it's Christmas.

Here is a picture from 2004 when I put up my first tree:
It's good to know that some things never change.

Susan and I had planned on not seeing each other this weekend, but it looks like there is a small chance that we might be able to spend a little bit of time together. I really hope I get to see her.

I have a masters degree and have been told that I am smart, but I can't seem to be able to put together the two outdoor spiral trees I bought yesterday. I am thinking of taking it to work and having the maintenance guy help me put it together. I know....very sad.

One of my co-workers told me today that I should not let anyone talk me out of my holiday spirit. She said watching me get so excited about the holidays makes her stop and think about her own attitude about the holidays. I thought that was a hue compliment.

So, tell me what your plans are for the weekend......

Tree

I love Christmas and each year I can't wait to put up my tree. I was in such a funk last year that I didn't put out any decorations and there was no tree. So after work tonight I went and bought myself a new Christmas tree. Since my apartment is so small, I decided it would be best to get a small one for now. I lost the ornaments in the break up, so I had to buy all new ones. I was lucky because they had a section of mini ornaments that are the perfect size for my 4ft. tree. My little tree looks absolutely perfect.

I still haven't decided what I am going to do about my apartment. I have until next Wednesday to make a decision. Susan talked me into trying to get them to come down a little more on the price. I love how she doesn't give up until she gets what she wants.

You want to see how wonderful and sweet my girl is....Here is a small part of her email to me tonight:

I can't wait to see you for the Thanksgiving holiday. It will be my best holiday, because you will be with me. I'm living the life I've dreamed of.

I knew she would be worth it.

Different View

In the last few years Bonk has developed some pretty serious skin allergies. This year seems to be the worst and she just looks so pitiful right now. She has no hair around her her tail or under her chin. It looks like Bonk and I may be making a trip to the vets this weekend. I am still amazed how how well Bonk is doing. I think she is completely deaf, but she still runs around acting like a kitten most days. Bonk has been a part of my life for so long that I can't imagine being without her.

I stopped and talked for about 45 minutes with the manager of my apartment complex and it went really well. I am not getting exactly what I want, but they are still really willing to work with me. I think I know what I am going to do, but I want to talk to Susan tonight to see what she thinks.

I am feeling a lot more centered today. I woke up this morning still kind of in a funk, but when I sat at thought about how much I have to be thankful for I decided it was just silly for me to be in a bad mood. My mind knows it's my parents loss, but sometimes my heart gets confused and I am sad. The more I have been acknowledging that sadness the more I am able to let go.

At lunch today I was talking about Susan and I realized...I talk about her a lot. I am lucky because my friends and co-workers don't make fun of me for being so giddy about her. Thank you for being so understanding when I go on and on about her on here. I am so crazy about Susan that I am thinking of doing a "My Favorite Things" post where I tell you all my favorite things about her. I know....I am acting like a total teenager.

One of my co-workers daughters was selling chocolates for a school fundraiser about a month ago and I ordered a box of Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups. They came in today. Oh.My.God. They are so good. I know my sugars are going to be through the roof tomorrow.

Funky Tuesday

I am in a funk today. I am pretty sure that I am PMSing, but just because I realize that it doesn't make me feel better. Here are some of the things that have been on my mind the last couple of days:

*I am still having mild to moderate side effects from my new medication. I don't like taking Imodium AD very much, but I have had to the last week. Today my stomach is really upset and I wish I could just stay at home in my very cozy little apartment.

*I am stressing about what to do with my new lease for my apartment. I am not good at negotiating and I am afraid if I push them on lowering my rent or length of the lease they will say, "fine move out" and then I will have to find a new place to live. I have never once been homeless (or even close to being homeless), but that is one of my greatest fears. I am thinking about going and talking with them just to see if they will budge on the rent amount. I hate that new renter are getting my exact apartment for $180 less then what I am paying. That is a huge difference, so for them to say they will only raise my rent $3 if I sign is a 13 month lease is bullshit. I want my rent lowered and I only want a 6 month lease. We'll see how assertive I can be.

*My parents 40th wedding anniversary is on November 30 and I think I am going to send them a card. I remember 10 years ago for their 30th anniversary I planned this whole surprise party for them. It was so much fun and my parents were so surprised and loved it. Since JW's don't celebrate holidays or birthdays, we always made a big deal about wedding anniversary's. I hate hate hate hate hate hate the fact that I am no longer part of the family and I really miss having parents.

*Thank you guys for all your ideas on what to take on Thanksgiving. I think what I am going to do is make a batch of my homemade sugar cookies with frosting. They are always a huge hit when I make them, so I think I will do that.

*Susan's birthday is in a couple of weeks and I am planning a big surprise for her which includes me taking the day off work. I can't say anything else in case she reads my blog.

That's all for now......

High School Days

I got this from Lynilu this morning, so here is a trip down memory lane.

1. Did you date someone from your school? No. Being a Jehovah's Witness we were not encouraged to date until we were ready to marry.

2. Did you marry someone from your high school? No

3. Did you car pool to school? No. I rode the bus for the first couple of years and then I was old enough to drive.

4. What kind of car did you have? Chrysler Le Baron. It was my Dad's, but when he got a company car he gave me his car. It was a Turbo, which is not a good idea for a teenager, but my parents thought I was a conservative driver. Remind me to tell you about the time I played chicken with a UPS truck.

5. What kind of car do you have now? Honda Accord

6. Its Friday night...where are you now? Home watching Super Nanny and waiting for Saturday to see my girl.

7. It is Friday night...where were you? Probably at work. If not at work then I was maybe at home with my family.

8. What kind of job did you have in high school? I had a couple. I worked at Captain D's, a grocery store and a lifeguard in the summer.

9. What kind of job do you do now? Social Worker

10. Were you a party animal? Nope. I was pretty quiet, except when I was driving in the car.

11. Were you considered a flirt? No

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? I was not encouraged to do any activities in school, so no I did not do any of that.

13. Were you a nerd? Um, I wouldn't say I was a nerd, but I was pretty shy and quiet.

14. Did you get suspended or expelled? Never

15. Can you sing the fight song? I don't think I knew it back in school, so that answer would be no.

16. Who was/were your favorite teacher? I had a couple. There was Mr. House who was my Psychology teacher. I think I had a small crush on him. I also loved all of my English teachers.

17. Where did you sit during lunch? With my friends. I hated lunch because it always seemed like everyone was seeing who was popular, etc.

18. What was your school's full name? Blue Valley North High School

19. When did you graduate? 1992

20. What was your school mascot? Mustang

21. If you could go back and do it again, would you? Probably not. I was not a huge fan of high school and I think it was because I was so shy and as a JW not encouraged to make friends and participate in activities

22. Did you have fun at Prom? I only went to my senior prom and yes it was fun.

23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with? Yes. He was a friend I have had since I was 3.

24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion? No. I really have no interest in going. I almost went to my 10 year reunion, but backed out at the last minute.

25. Do you still talk to people from school? A couple. There are a few that I wish I could find and talk to.

26. What are/were your school's colors? Navy blue and Silver

27. What grades did you make? A's and B's and maybe a few C's. I did have one F and that was for my Anatomy class. It was this class that made me realize I could never be a doctor.

28. What was your favorite class/subject? English and and one semester I took a typing class which I loved. I think that class is the reason I type so fast today.

29. Did you belong to any clubs? Not in high school. In Middle School I did join the Trivial Pursuit club. I think that would make me a nerd.

30. Were you popular? I don't think so. I kind of kept to myself.

Short Weekend

Why do the weekends have to go by so fast? As always it was a wonderful weekend with Susan. We watched lots of movies and spent a lot of time just talking and laughing. I love how we always are laughing about something. She has the best sense of humor and never know when she is going to say something that will have me laughing for the next 5 minutes.

Today we were hanging out and there was a knock on the door. My first thought was maybe it was one of my neighbors. Susan's first thought.......it's the Jehovah's. She was right. How ironic that the "Jehovah's" stopped by while I was spending a romantic weekend with my girlfriend. Who wants to hear how my conversation went with them? :)

My sugar are getting a lot better. Today it even got down to 122, which it probably hasn't been in a long time. I am finding that I am really stopping and thinking about things before I eat them. My sugars were a little high this morning and I know it was because I had a small regular coke last night. I am glad that I am checking my sugars daily and kind of look at lowering my numbers as a competition.

I probably won't see Susan until Thanksgiving, which BTW, will be the day I meet her family. I am excited yet a little nervous. I really hope they like me. I keep asking what I can bring and Susan keeps saying nothing. I want to bring something, but have no idea what. Any suggestions????

Long Week

I know that KC sunsets aren't as breathtaking as Lynilu's, but I have still enjoyed the great ones we have had this week. I forgot my camera today, so this picture was taken with my cellphone.

It has been a long week and I am very glad it's Friday. For so long I kind of dreaded weekends because I knew that I would just spend it alone. It's good being so excited for the weekends again.

Last weekend Susan and I decided that we would not see each other this weekend, but by Tuesday we had decided we couldn't go 2 weeks without seeing each other. Since it's going to be so cold this weekend,, we have the perfect excuse to just stay inside.

My sugar levels are coming down and I am starting to feel so much better. I have more energy and I am not so tired all the time. I am figuring out what I can and can't eat which is kind of challenging. I still need to really start exercising again, but I am just not motivated right now. I am lucky because I have a couple friends that are trying their hardest to motivate me. I do appreciate it.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. I'll be back Sunday night.

Trust

Last night I had my second appointment with my new therapist. I almost canceled it because I thought "I am doing so well now do I really need to go." But I decided to keep the appointment and I am glad that I did. I trust this new therapist. Last night I shared something with her that I have not shared with anyone. Sharing this thing with someone felt good. It kind of feel like I don't have the weight of the world on my shoulders now.

Two weeks ago I decided to let go of my fear and just trust Susan completely. It has been amazing how letting go and trusting her has made our relationship so much stronger and we are so much closer.

I think I am getting a hang of this whole trust thing.

The Promise

$3

When I got home last night there was a notice on my door from my complex reminding me that my lease expires the end of February. They also said that if I sign a new 13 month lease by the end of the month then my rent will only go up $3. Normally that would be a good deal, but in my process of looking for an apartment closer to Susan I found an ad from my apartment complex for my exact apartment and they are offering new tenants my apartment for $180 less then what I am paying. When I saw the ad a couple weeks ago I printed it off and saved it because I knew it would come in handy one day.

I love my little apartment, but I really think I am paying too much for it and the ad on Craigslist proves that. Susan and I had talked about me finding an apartment closer to her, but I was really stressing about coming up with another deposit and then the whole moving thing. For someone that only moved once their entire childhood, I have done too much moving as an adult. So two weeks ago we decided that maybe I would stay in my apartment for another year and if things were still going well possibly move in with each other in March 2010. We both decided that it would be best to take things really slow, but the last couple of weeks I think we have both realized that March 2010 is a really long time and I don't think either of us want to wait that either live closer or together.

So last night Susan and I were talking and she agrees that I should not sign a 13 month lease and I should not be paying what I am for my apartment. My complex won't let me go month to month, so that is out of the question.

Susan is going to help me compose a letter to my complex and attach a copy of the ad and see if they will work with me on lowering the rent and possibly just doing a 6 month lease. I am a good tenant who always pays on time (most months I pay 1-2 weeks early), I am quiet and I keep my apartment well maintained and cleaned. When I walk Sophie I see at least one eviction notice a month on someones apartment door. I figure it would cost them more to let me leave then to lower my rent just a little.

This whole thing may be a huge blessing in disguise because I know that I am really rethinking the whole "wait until March 2010" thing and I know someone else that is as well.

She Picked Me

At the beginning of August I was talking with one of my co-workers and she was asking how things were going. I said things were going good, but I was looking forward to getting a new start in 2009. I then corrected myself and said that maybe I still had enough time in 2008 for things to get better. She then looked at me and said, "I think August is going to be a really good month for you." Three days later I met Susan and my life has not been the same since that August day.

Susan loves to say that she picked me; and she did indeed pick me. When I think back to those first few weeks I knew there was something different in how I was feeling. I remember that very first email. I got it on a Monday night and I remember thinking...this feels different. The first time she called me I missed the call and she left a message. When I listened to that message I again felt that this was very different. (I have saved that first voicemail she left and love to listen to it every once in a while)

I remember driving to her house on our first date. I was nervous, but also had this amazing sense of calmness. When she opened the door I knew I had just met the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with. (I know it sounds crazy, but honestly that is how I felt) A few weeks ago I joked with her and said that her couch is where it all started (that is where we had our first kiss) and she corrected me and said that it all started when I first walked up to her door. It really was love at first sight.

We have been through a lot in the last 3 months. Not only do we have the distance to contend with, but six weeks into our perfect love story I decided to quit smoking. I am just thankful that she stuck with me through those first few weeks where I was not always the best person to be around.

Last night I read through some of my blog posts from last December and one post caught my attention. In it I said, "I know that the next person I fall in love with will be special because I have had to go through a lot of stuff to get to her." Believe me, she was worth it all.

Susan, thank you for picking me and for bringing the color back into my world. I love you.

Brilliant Video

You must click HERE.

I think this video is brilliant. What do you think?

Content, Happy and In Love

When I was diagnosed as a borderline diabetic in January 2005 Laura was devastated. I later found out that she went to her Mom and cried about my diagnosis. She went out and bought a bunch of books and told me exactly what I needed to do to get better. I think she was trying to be good about it, but the way she brought the information to me was not healthy at all. I always felt bad for being a diabetic and somehow felt ashamed and I think it has to do with how Laura reacted to my initial diagnosis. It was like my diagnosis as a diabetic was making her look bad in some way and she needed to make sure that she did not look bad in anyway. (She was a lot like my Mom in that way) I don't think she realized that this had nothing to do with her. I really think she was doing what she thought was best, but it was just not healthy for either of us.

When I told Susan about the test results, the first thing she said was, "So what is our plan". I loved that she didn't make me feel bad or embarrassed and I really loved how she wanted to be included in my plan, not create the plan. So over the weekend we talked about what my plan was and I really feel for the first time that I can control my diabetes and get healthy.

I started my medication over the weekend and have some side effects, but nothing too major. I feel better just knowing I am doing something to help my body. And now that it's winter I know I will be outside more often. Sophie has been driving me crazy wanting to be outside all the time. It's times like this that I am really sad that she does not have a yard. Sophie loves winter and cold weather so much that she would just stay outside for a couple of hours with no problem. One day we'll have a yard again.

Yesterday Susan and I met MJ and Cowboy for breakfast. It was great that MJ was finally able to meet Susan since I seem to talk about her a lot. We then went to a park where I took some pictures of MJ and Cowboy for their wedding invitations. And then Susan was able to meet the infamous Sadie. Sadie was so excited to see me and I asked if she wanted to come home with me, but MJ kept saying, "No."

A year ago my life was up in the air. Now I feel like things have settled down and I am content, happy and in love. Can it get any better?

Unbelievable

This weekend Susan and I went to this museum. It was so interesting and I have no idea why I have never been before. All of the items that were recovered are straight from the Little House on the Prairie era. Very fascinating.

It's amazing at everything they were able to restore.


The museum was wonderful except for one thing:
Don't get me wrong...I love kids, but I am not sure a museum is the best place for someone so young and so out of control. I can't wait to see her in about 10 years.

I heard this song on the way home tonight and it describes my feelings for Susan. Sometimes I can't believe she is mine and how lucky I am. This morning as I watched her sleep I realized all my dreams have come true. I realized that she is the person that kept me going all those years when I was by myself. She is the person I dreamed about when I would think about the person I wished I had in my life. And now that she is here it's almost like I can't believe it. I can't believe how much I love this woman and how perfect we are for each other.

Time to get serious

Six months ago I bought the cats a tent like bed where they could go in and sleep. Look who finally decided that it was safe to sleep in it:
Isn't he adorable.

Today the Dr. called me with the results from my blood work. I've been trying to deny it for years, but I am a diabetic. I was shocked at my numbers and actually kind of afraid. I have really had a hard time accepting that I am a diabetic. I know the only reason I have diabetes is because I am overweight. I hate that I am overweight.

Can you tell what Ben is saying in this picture:
"It's time to get serious Mom."

Yes, it is time to get serious about my health.

Picture of History

I took this picture as I was leaving work on Tuesday and loved the way it turned out. I am glad that I got a picture of the sun going down on a day that history was made.

Last night I watched Then She Found Me. It was a good movie, but probably not one of my favorites. I think it may be where I am in regards to my feelings towards my Mom. In the movie Helen Hunt's character is adopted and desperately wants to have a baby and she refuses to adopt. I can relate to that feeling. When I think about having children (if I ever do) I do not see myself adopting. I want to know what it's like to be pregnant and to have a blood connection to someone else. I want to be able to feel a baby move inside me and I want to know what it's like to give birth. I think the other thing that always made me not want to adopt was my brother. Both my brother and I are adopted and I am pretty sure that his Mother used drugs while she was pregnant. My brother has had a disastrous life and has caused many problems for our entire family. I guess I worry that I would end up with someone like my brother. That may sound harsh, but seeing what my brother did to my family (and me) really makes me dislike him...a lot. I always thought it was weird that I was adopted yet I do not see myself adopting a child.

As I was watching the movie last night I became really angry with my parents on behalf of my birth Mother. My birth Mother made the ultimate sacrifice in giving me up for adoption. I have no idea how she had the strength to do that because I don't know if I could have done what she did. I know she had hopes that my family would love me as their own daughter forever. So it makes me angry that because I am gay my family would disown me. It's almost as if they received this great gift and after 30 years decided they didn't like the way it made their family look and they just let it go and said, "You are no longer part of the family". To me that is very selfish and part of me hopes that I will never meet my birth mom because I would hate for her to know what my parents did.

This morning I went to the Dr. to get the adjustment on my Celexsa. I was happy that the Dr. did adjust my meds and also gave me something for anxiety. I didn't get what I wanted to anxiety, but I got something very similar that lasts a little longer. My blood pressure was perfect and I even lost a few pounds; which I was really surprised by. I thought for sure I had gained some weight since I had quit smoking. I was very happy with my visit today.

Hope

Yesterday was such an exciting day and I am so happy that Obama won, even if he didn't win in my state. In the county I live he did win 67% of the votes, but there are so many rural towns that are hard core Republicans. I am still happy he won and I have a lot of hope.

I am pretty upset about Prop 8 in California. I just don't' understand why so many people are opposed to gays/lesbians having the same rights as every heterosexual couple. It just doesn't make sense to me and I am very sad for those that live in CA. As I have always said....Stay out of my bedroom and I will stay out of your church.

Last night as I sat and watched history being made I thought of my girl. I told her that I loved that she was my girlfriend on such a historical night and that I will always remember she was with me on the night Obama was elected.

Things are going so well with Susan and I am finding that now that my meds are straightened out and I have turned the corner on this whole non-smoking thing, I am really happy again. There was a couple weeks where I had a crappy attitude about a lot of things. I think it says a lot about our relationship by the fact that we came through the last couple of weeks not only still together, but closer then ever. She really is my best friend and the person I feel I was meant to be with. The last 18+ months all makes sense now and I know why I went through all I did.

One last thing....if I were to take a picture of my heart this is what you would see.

Happy Wednesday everyone.

Mr. President

Missouri looks better in Blue......

I got up this morning early so I could go vote before work. I got to the poll around 7:15 and was so happy to see so many people out there voting. I have only been voting for about 6 years and this is only my 2nd Presidential Election and I have never seen the place I vote so busy. It was very exciting to see so many young people out there voting. It took me a little over an hour to get through the line which wasn't that bad. It felt great being able to cast my vote.

I really believe history is being made today.

Weekend Recap

Here's another picture of the fog we had on Saturday morning. I just love fog.

As I mentioned yesterday, I really had a good weekend with Susan. It had been a difficult week for both of us and we both had been pretty stressed out. We spent most of the weekend just talking. Sunday morning we were laying in bed and I had just finished talking about something and she put her head me and said, "Tell me more stories about yourself." I am not sure why, but that really touched me. We didn't watch TV, we turned off our phones and we unplugged from the world. It was perfect. I fell even more in love with Susan and realized again how perfect she is for me.

I am so excited about tomorrows election. On Saturday I drove past where I am voting and they had absentee voting going on and the parking lot was packed. I have never seen it that busy, not even in 2004. I am debating about getting up and being there at 6am tomorrow because I really don't want to have to wait in line when I get off work. Our network has been down at work the last couple of days and I am hoping it's back up tomorrow so I can keep track of the election at work. When I was getting my bachelors degree I had a teacher that was really into politics and joked that every 4 years he has what he calls his Superbowl with the presidential election. He would talk about setting up 3 TV to watch all 3 networks and would have friends over to watch the results come in. I never understood his excitement until this year. I have been looking forward to tomorrow for months.

Perfect Weekend

I had the best weekend with Susan and I was reminded again how lucky I am to have her in my life.

More on my weekend later......

Foggy Morning

This morning I woke up to fog like I have never seen in KC before. It took until almost noon for it to move out. It did provide for some very beautiful pictures.

Everything kind of seemed "spooky" this morning. When I was walking Sophie it was so quiet in the complex, which was kind of nice.

Someone was very busy last night:
I love spider webs which is surprising since I hate spiders. I thought this web was really cool and I love that I was able to get a good shot of it.


The leaves are finally starting to change and it really is beautiful.

Would you believe I had no kids come to my door last night. I was really surprised, but was OK with it. My apartment is kind of tucked away so I imagine that is why no one came to my door. It was nice not having anyone come to my door because it is impossible to keep Sophie quiet when people keep knocking on our door. Susan said she got something like 90 kids. She was even getting kids Thursday night. I told her word must have gotten out in the county that she hands out full sized candy bars.

This morning I woke up and went to my favorite thrift store to look for some pants. I found 2 pairs of jeans and a new winter coat. I am pretty excited about my new coat. I have needed one for about 2 years and finally found one that I like. Since I enjoy the cool weather I didn't want a really big jacket, just something to keep me from getting too cold. Today everything was 50% off, so I got all 3 items for $8.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. I am off to spend the weekend with my lady in red.