Our Family

It's hot here and it's only going to get hotter. I sit here in my office wishing I was at the lake. God, I love the lake. I spent almost every single weekend when I was little at the lake. My parents had a cabin at a local lake and we went out every single weekend during the summer. There's just something about lake water that I love. I prefer it to ocean water.

As I was standing outside just a few minutes ago having a cigarette I saw my Dad drive by the place I work. He was in my Mom's 1968 Mustang. This mustang is a very unique green color, so I know it was him. Makes me sad that he doesn't even know where I work. My Dad's Birthday was on Sunday. I sent him a b-day card. I debated about sending him a card, but in the end decided that just because my parents are acting like fools doesn't mean I have to as well. My family is like a car wreck. You can't help but look when you drive by. I hear from several people the crazy and very unhealthy things they are doing and it just makes me want to vomit. Some of the things they are doing is horrible. When I hear what other people are saying about them it makes me ashamed they are my family. But they are my family and to some degree it hurts to hear what others are saying about them.

I always think about my family a lot around this time. It was two years ago on July 4th that my Mom asked what was going on with me and Laura. Deep down she knew, but was in denial. Not only is July 4th Independence Day for America, it's my own Independence Day. Two years ago I was so tired of living my life for my parents. I had told friends and Laura that when I "officially" come out to my parents (especially my Mom) most likely they will disown me. No one believed me. Everyone said, "give them time, they will come around". Well, here it is two years later and we are no where close to making amends. Some days are harder then others. That is to be expected. I think I miss feeling a part of a family the most when I am around Laura's family. Yes, they do consider me part of the family, but there are many times I still feel like a third wheel. Her family has done everything to make me feel a part of the family and I greatly appreciate that. But in the end they are still her family.

I need to remember one important thing: Laura and I are creating our own family. I forget this sometimes. Our little routines that we have and the traditions we are starting is for US..our family. It may be small, but it's ours.

Root Canal in Jamaica

Well, I am 1/2 way done with my root canal. Due to the infection it had to be done in two parts. They finished half of it and they need to allow it to drain before completing it. So, next Friday I go back to finish this and to get the process started with the crown. Boy, this is fun. They also put me on another 10 days of antibotics. Again, boy this is fun.

I was pretty nervous when I went in yesterday and I think part of the reason was because I was hearing all these stories about other people having root canals done. Here's some advice: When someone you know if going to have a major procedure done, please do not tell them any horror stories. I had a root canal done three years ago and had no problems. But hearing all these horror stories really freaked me out. So, when they offered me the laughing gas yesterday to calm down I said, "hell yes". Now, I had never had the laughing gas before but had heard that it was pretty good stuff. Within minutes I was in another world. My limbs felt heavy and I could barely move. The dentist has XM radio and they had it on a station playing island music. I felt like I was in Jamaica. When they tried to do the x-ray I couldn't get my hands coordinated enough to hold the x-ray piece in my mouth. I know the nurses were laughing at me. But at that point I didn't care. I felt like everytime I talked out loud I was talking in slow motion. It was the weirdest feeling. They gave me two shots to numb my mouth and then started working. I remember feeling a little more pain and they gave me a shot directly in the tooth. I then felt NOTHING. Once they turned on just the oxygen I started coming back around. It was wild. My mouth was completly numb until 8:30pm. They said it would be numb longer then normal because of the shot directly in the tooth. This morning I have no pain in my mouth. I think my jaw is a little sore, but that's it.

I slept like a baby last night. I don't think I woke up once. I was stil "hanging" from the laughing gas when I went to bed. I don't think I will take that stuff again. My stomach was so upset when I got home last night. It took several hours for the full effect of it to wear off.

We have a 29 gallon aquarium in our house. When we went to Florida we put in a 7 day feeder and ever since then we have not been able to clear the water up. We have tried everything. I mean everything. We finally decided last night to take all the water out and clean it real good. We put our fish (7 fish total) in our little 5 gallon aquarium until we get the other one clean. We have 4 Neons and it took us forever to catch them last night. The water was so cloudy they could just go and hide at the back. When we went to Florida we had a total of 12 fish. Once we got back to Florida and the 7 day feeder messed up the water we have lost 5. We are hoping that cleaning the tank well will clear up the water.

That's all for now folks.

Lake Life

Well, we are home from our mini-vacation and what a fun time we had. We had the best three days. It was a blast going down with her sister and her family. Bryan Lee (8 years old) had a blast and it was fun watching him have so much fun in the water and fishing. I took a 1/2 day on Friday, so we were down at the lake and in the water by 2:30pm. That left 3 hours of good sun for Friday. That night we cooked out steaks and just enjoyed the nice summer night. There was another family staying in the same place that had 10 year old triplets. (2 boys and a girl) They were adoreable. And Bryan Lee had so much fun playing with them. Infact, I think the little girl had a little crush on Bryan Lee. It was cute. Here are some pictures from our weekend.
Here is the motel we stayed at. It's a little "Mom & Pop" Motel with just 9 rooms. There are two rooms on the bottom level and Laura and I stayed in one of those while Lisa and Bryan and Bryan Lee stayed in a room upstairs. Laura and I tried to book for a month from now but neither of the bottom rooms are available. This little place fills up quickly. Next year we book all our weekends at once and early in the season.
This is an old boat they have at the edge of the water. The other side has flowers in it.
Here's the dock we swim from. Lake of the Ozarks is a huge lake and some parts can get pretty rough. This is in a little cove so it's almost always very calm. It's perfect for just laying on a floatly and floating all afternoon.
Here's Bryan Lee and I. I had to stop him for just one moment while he was fishing. That kid is such a good fisher.
Here's Bryan Lee fishing. The first night he caught 8 fish. Total he caught 16 fish.
Here's the other side of the old boat.
Here's "Big Bryan" as we all call him. Recently he has picked up smoking cigars. He was in the midst of smoking one here. Notice the pretty sunset in the background.
Here's Laura and Lisa. I think I asked Lisa to smile for the picture and she said "asshole" to me.
Here's Bryan Lee with his assortment of waterguns. Doesn't look like a kid that is having the time of his life.

We got home around 1pm today and pulled up and I realized I needed to mow. I swear I am mowing twice a week now. That did get me out of unpacking though. Tomorrow it's back to the real world. And tomorrow is my root canal. God, I hope everything goes ok and it's not too painful..during or after. Good news though..I had NO pain all weekend with my tooth. It was as if the antibotics finally kicked in and the infection was gone. Bad news. I got a yeast infection. Friday as we were driving down I noticed that maybe I was getting one. By that night we were driving up to Wal-Mart to get something for it. That quickly took care of it, but it's still a pain in the ass. I had done so well with eating my yougurt everyday, but then Thursday I ran out and forgot to get some more.

Well, I have loads of laundry to do and lots of cats that are wondering where we have been for the past 3 days.

Why I have a Job

Click here to see why I have job. I guarantee you will laugh. Make sure your speakers are on.

Take Your Pet To Work Day

Sophie wanted me to let everyone know that tomorrow, June 23 is "Take Your Pet To Work Day". If we weren't going out of town I would try to let my boss bring her to work.











I do believe Sophie would be good for the people coming into my office. Although, she would probably freak out with just the car ride.

Love & Truth

June 16th was the day I was baptized as a Jehovah's Witness. Growing up I was best friends with my cousin who is 3 years younger then me. I remember Jill and I being close, but it wasn't until I was 16 and had a car that we really became close. Then it seemed that we were inseperatable. We were always together. When you are a Jehovah's Witness it is between the ages of 10 and 20 when you really start to think about getting baptized. Once you are baptized it's like you are locked into a contract that you can never break. You make a commitement to God and more importantly the religion of Jehovah's Witness. I don't remember making the decision to get baptized. I think I felt like it was a duty that I must complete. I had managed to get out of this duty for the 6 years before that due to me being at summer camp. But when my younger cousin decided she was going to get baptized I think I felt like I should as well. I know my Mother probably had a huge sigh of relief knowing that at least one of her children would be baptized as a Jehovah's Witness. The only thing that was special tha day was the love and support I got from my Grandmother. (Mom's Mom) I remember she gave both me and my cousin a bracelet. My Grandma was so happy for me and Jill. But I think in the end my Grandmother would have been happy if I was happy. Yes, my Grandmother's religion was important to her, but her Grandchildren were more important.

The first time I was disfellowshipped my aunt came to my house and told me that every time I smoked a cigarette I was spitting in God's face. My aunt was so hateful. I remember standing in my garage and she was just yelling at me. Now, when you are disfellowshipped it's a major life event. Everything you have known and all the people you have been around that have been your family and friends will suddendly scatter once that announcement is made. I wish I had had the courage to stay out the first time I was disfellowshipped. I wonder how much further in life I would have made it if I had been strong enough to stay away from the cult. But you can only imagine the pull of the church once you are out. The first few months you feel good and like there's a huge weight off your shoulders. Then real life sets in. You have never been trained to deal with life and all the things that are thrown your way. After one year out the last time I couldn't handle it anymore on my own. Life was too much when I didn't have the tools to handle it. And I was within a few weeks sucked right back into their lifestyle.

I am very thankful or the life I now have. On Rosie's blog somebody asked her the name of her God. Her resposne was very simple and very beautiful. Her response was LOVE. I love that resposne. Today my life is filled with lots of understanding, lots and lots of love and more importantly it's filled with respect. I was never respected while a Jehovah's Witness. Women are looked down on. Men are always superior to women. The women have to do what the men say. Again, there is no respect. When I was just 11 years old I had an elder make sexual comments towards me when I started developing. To this day I still remember how that made me feel. Even if I had told my parents they would have not said anything about it. This man was and elder. He couldn't have meant it in the way I took it.

I do not miss anything about being a Jehovah's Witness. NOTHING. I know my family probably thinks I am living a miserable life and am very unhappy. Nothing could be furthest from the "truth". Every night I go to bed knowing that I am loved for me, not my religion or beliefs. And every morning I wake up ready to take on the world with love. Jehovah's Witnesses take on the world with deciet and lies. I was tired of living my life in this manner. And it is wonderful waking up everyday knowing that I am praising God with love and truth.

This & That

Well, it appears I made it through Monday. After taking some Iburprofen in the afternoon and then one of my pain pills when I got home I was feeling pretty good. Yesterday at work I was hurting so bad all over that I couldn't wait to get home and get into bed. By the time the pain pill started working I felt like myself again and didn't feel the need to go to bed at 6pm.

My tooth started hurting again this morning and I told one of my co-workers that I am getting ready to pull a Tom Hanks (CastAway) with my tooth. Remember that scene? After having suffered with this constant tooth ache for over a week now I know how he felt. With the infection being so bad it has been causing my ear on that side to hurt as well. I think it's the draining that is causing the ear ache.

Enough about my tooth. Last night Laura and I watcheh the movie "A Girl Like Me" on Lifetime. It was an excellent, yet very sad movie. I was amazed at the support and love that her family gave her through all her struggles. For those who do not know what the movie is about: Gwen was born a boy, but always felt she was born in the wrong body. It showed her process of starting to live her life as a girl. In the end she was murdered by 3 teenage boys. Yes, her family didn't completly understand what she was going through and why she did the things she did, but they were family. Family never deserts one another and always love one another. Being gay myself I would find it very difficult if my child came to me and said they felt they were a girl even though they were biologically a boy. I can't imagine. But that doesn't mean I would love my child any less or abandon them. Family is Family. My family could really learn a lot about what it means to be a family.

This week Laura and I are sharing one car. With her Dad being without a car due to the wreck we decided we could do without one car for a week. Which means I have to be extra nice to Laura since she is my ride to and from work. If I piss her off too much she could make me take the bus home. Actually sharing one car isn't that bad. I enjoy the time we have in the car on the way to my work and then the transition we have coming home in the evenings. Today I was sitting around here at lunch realizing "damn, I am bored". I had no errands to run, I had brought my lunch, but the fact that I was stuck here made me feel bored. Sweet Laura offered to come by and take me out during my lunch hour. I told her no for the simple fact that gas prices are crazy and there was no reason to waste the gas.

There is a convience store one block away. Maybe I'll walk up there and see what they have. See, I told you I was bored.

Aches & Pains

My tooth hurts. My back is killing me. I have horrible "monthly" cramps. And it's Monday. Could this day get any worse? One light at the end of the tunnel...Friday we are going on a mini-vacation down to the lake with Laura's sister and her family. 3 wonderful days in the sun. I do believe that is just what the doctor ordered.

Father's Day

My Father and I have never been close. I feel like he felt left out a lot of the time because my Mom and I used to get along so well. As an adult my Father and I did get along a lot better and found we had a lot more in common then we both had realized. It makes me sad that just when we were getting along better my sexual orientation and a car could get in the way. I do have many fond memories of my Father and here are just a few:

1) When I was around 9 we were driving in Minnesota (don't remember why) and I was reading my favorite book at the time: Farmer Boy. As I was quietly reading my Dad turned to me and said "why don't you read that to me". And for the next hour or so I read out loud. I know it wasn't something he would have picked for himself, but I was so excited that he was interested in what I was reading.

2) When I was 16 and at summer camp for the entire summer (2 months) my Dad came up during the change over and spent two days with me. He took me out of camp and we drove up to Duluth and he took me to all the stores I wanted to go to and bought me all kinds of "junk". It was a fun two days with just the two of us.

3) When I got my first "real" job after getting my bachelors degree my Dad would meet me for lunch. It were at those lunches I felt really grown up.

4) When we were on vacation in Cayman when I was 18 my Dad and I went on a night dive. It was one of the coolest and scariest things of my life. Underwater at night is just freaky. I kept thinking Jaws was right around the corner and when you can't see anything anyway...you never know.

Happy Fathers Day Dad!!


*On a side note: Please keep Laura's Dad in your prayers. He was in a serious car accident today and the car he had just paid off one day ago was totaled. He was not seriously injured just bruised and bumped. Luckily the woman that hit him admitted it was completly her fault and had insurance.

Going Places

Laura and I have just a few simple goals in life. 1) To be able to move to Florida at least part of the year and 2) To be able to be self-sufficient (work for ourselves) We get along so well and are tired of working not knowing if we will have a job the following year. Living year to year with grants and contracts can be very frustrating and scary at times. We are hard at work to make sure we are able to sustain our lifestyle ourselves and not be depedeant on grants or contracts. The following months I will have more to say in regards to this. We are going places and the ride will be fast and fun.
Here's a picture of Laura with one of her projects. Don't be surprised if you see her name out there in a few years. She is destined to be well known and respected.
Here's Blackey our adopted stray cat. In this picture he is just waiting for me to give him his dinner. Damn, he is one spoiled kitty.
This is where I found Blackey about an hour after I fed him. Obviously the grass was nice and cool. Does he not realize that he does not live here. Oh wait, I do feed him and love on him. Yes, I guess he does live here.
Here's Sophie giving me those "poor me" eyes. She is wanting a treat or something. Over the past few weeks Laura and her have become the best of friends. I think I am a little jealous.

I Hate When That Happens...

I have a tendency to wake up in the middle of the night and react in terms of the dream I was just having. For example: Last night Laura got up around 3am to go to the bathroom. When she was coming back in I noticed that she went back to the bathroom and turned the light on and then turned it off quickly and started walking back to the bed. Startled, I said, "Laura what is going on?" I think what startled me was the fact that it seemed like she was turning the light on and off. To make matters worse I had just had a dream that someone had slashed my tires. Since I do this (react in strange ways when I wake up) often Laura knows how to handle it. At first I think she was very startled by my reactions when something would wake me up in the middle night. She has learned not to take anything I say when I first wake up personally.

So, Laura came back to bed and would you believe I was wide awake now. Well, we both were. I tried hard to go back to sleep, but my feet were hot. I am the type of person that needs to have her feet outside of the covers or they get very hot. Plus, Ben was sleeping next to me and wouldn't budge at all. And I hate to distrub a sleeping cat. Plus, Ben gets very angry when he has to move when he's sleeping. So, I laid there and laid there. Laura and I would occasinally have a small conversation, but then we would both try to get back to sleep. After about 20 minutes she said she was going to turn on the tv. I then decided I might as well go have a cigarette. When I came back to bed Laura turned the tv off and we tried again to go back to sleep. By 4:03am we were both laughing so hard because we couldn't get back to sleep. We even talked about maybe having sex since sometimes we will go to sleep after that. At one point Laura thought there was a cat stalking us via the tv. She thought she saw what appeared to be 2 cats eyes in the tv. After some investigation on our part we realized it was the reflection of our security system in the tv. It's amazing the things you think you see or hear in the middle of the night. At some point after that I fell asleep. I thought Laura had as well.

As I was getting in the shower Laura informed me that she did not get to sleep until after 5am. She somehow blamed me for her not being able to get back to sleep. Huh? I do believe she was the one that woke me up in the first place. All day I have heard how she is so tired since I was the reason she couldn't go back to sleep.

I hate it when I am so tired and I have no big stories to share as to why I am tired. Let's hope for a better nights sleep tonight.

Old Glory

In honor of Flag Day I decided to put up a picture of our flag that flies outside our house. I had wanted to get an American Flag for a while now and then on my b-day Laura got me one. I love it. Growing up as a Jehovah's Witness we were taught that to show any kind of pride in the American flag (or any other flag) was considered "idol woriship". (And I'm not talking about American Idol either) Whenever we would go to a sporting event we would either leave the main area during the National Athem or just stay sitting. It was horrible. Because if you didn't get out in time my Mom would make us just sit there. I hated that. Finally at age 33 I am be proud of the American flag and hang one proudly in front of my home.

Monday I went to the dentist because I had been having some pain in one of my back teeth. Turns out I have some cavities, plus the tooth that is hurting needs a root canal. In 2001 I left my job, plus my benefits to go back to school to get my masters. Once I graduated in 2002 and got another job there were no dental benefits. So, I kind of neglected my teeth for a while. Growing up we would make it a family outing every 6 months to go to the dentist. Until I was 28 I had gone to the same dentist. In 2003 I had to have a root canal and had to pay for it out of pocket. I don't know what hurt more..the root canal for having to pay out of pocket for the work. I didn't have the money to go back and have a permenant crown put on. Well, last Spring my temp. crown finally broke off. So, now that I had dental insurance I went back to have the crown put on. I was suppose to go back for a deep cleaning, but never did. So, a few weeks ago when my back tooth started hurting I figured I might as well get this taken care of. The doctor was shocked that I was not complaing of more pain due to the infection being all the way down to the nerve. Since we are going down to the lake next week he gave me some pain medication (YEA) in case we get down there and it really starts hurting. He also put me on a shitload of antibotics to try to get rid of the infection before the root canal. I took one pain pill Monday night and it really took the edge off the pain. I guess I didn't realize how much pain I was in. And I go back on the 27th to have this root canal done.

Happy Flag Day Everyone!!

Weekly Pictures of our "kids"

Damn, it's Sunday night. I am dreading going back to work tomorrow. No particular reason, just would rather lay out by the pool. I did make it to the pool on Saturday. We weren't sure if we were going to be able to go because until 11am (when the pool opened) the sun kept hiding behind the clouds. Finally it came out and it was hot. The entire 2 hours we were at the pool I was in the water. So, I am happy to report that my tan continues to get better and better. We also decided that we are going to go camping again for the weekend in July and this time take Sophie. We didn't want to take her over Memorial Day weekend because she had not gotten her summer cut yet and I knew she would be hot since the temps were in the mid 90's. We decided that the tent that we just got was too small for both of us and the dog. The tent is actually not that small, but we bought a Queen size air matress and that takes up a lot of space. Thank God for that air matress otherwise we might have been home after the first night. So, we went out and got a much bigger tent that we can even stand up in. Plus, it has a little doggy door. We can't wait to try it out. God, I love camping. Well, here are some pictures of us and our "kids" over the past few weeks.
Here I am with sophie. Since getting her summer cut she is now allowed up on the couch. And believe me, she is loving every moment of it.
It's hard to tell, but Sophie and Astro are up on the couch. This picture was taken by Laura. You see, this picture is why I take the majority of the pictures. You have to know what you are looking for.
Here's Sophie very happily on the couch. What do you think of her summer cut? I like the way she looks with longer hair, but with the heat she is just misterable.
Here's Laura and Sophie. Sophie loves to have her big belly rubbed.
I just thought this was a cool picture of Bonk. I love the sun shinning in through the window. She's our oldest cat at age 19. You wouldn't believe she is 19. She runs around the house like a kitten most days. We heart her so much.

Housewife

I love summertime. There are many reasons that I love summer. One of the main reasons that I love summer is the fact that Laura is home all day. These first few days of summer vacation have been wonderful. I wake up in the morning and get ready and she has my lunch all ready to go. I love it!! I come home in the evenings and not only has she cleaned the house (including vacuming which she hates) and dinner is ready. Again, I love it. During the school year we have completely different schedules. She is up and out of the house by 6:15am. By the time she gets home she is tired. Putting up with 120 7th grades is hell on most good days. When I get home at 5pm she is just about ready for bed. She always tries real hard to stay up at least until 9pm, but there are some nights she just isn't able to make it. I can't blame her. So having her home and us on the same schedule is wonderful. She is still adjusting to her new schedule, but I bet within a few more days she will be on a "normal" schedule again.

This morning our alarm went off at 6am. I got up and wondered why I had set the alarm for 6am. I realized that I had accidently set her alarm instead of mine. I was easily able to go back to sleep, but Laura was ready to get up. I have learned that once something wakes Laura up it's hard for her to go back to sleep. Not me.

Wednesday night we had a huge crisis in our home. I thought for sure someone was going to be killed. Since Laura does not have to get as early now we decided to switch places in the bed so I would be closer to the alarm. As many of you know, we have several cats that love sleeping with us at night. Brady (orange cat) has gotten used to sleeping on my pillows. And he has learned very quickly not to sleep on Laura's pillows. Well, the whole switch up was very traumatic and confusing for Brady. For so long he was told not to get on the pillows on her side and now suddenly I am sleeping on that side and he is being told to sleep on this side. He woke Laura up 3 times Wednesday night. Because he woke her up, she inturn woke me up. I ended up turning the house upside down at 3am looking for the squirt bottle. After I found it I slept very well. But it was a rough night for all involved.

Tomorrow I am off to the pool hoping to keep up this wonderful tan I have going this year. From what Laura told me the pool water is perfect temp wise. Just let's hope it doesn't rain.

It's Getting Hot in Here

Well, I guess summer is officially here. Even though the calender says it doesn't start for a couple more weeks, it sure feels like summer. Last night as I was watching the news I realized that it was going to be a sauna in KC today. Knowing that the yard needed to be mowed I debated about what to do. I hate coming home from work and mowing when it's so hot outside. With the humidity we get here it makes it almost impossible to do anything outside in the late afternoon. And with our front yard having NO shade and facing south west all you have in the afternoons is sun.

Laura, who is now officially done with school for the year, got up around 6:30am. It takes her body a little while to adjust to not getting up before the sun. So, her not getting up til 6:30am was actually pretty good for the first morning. She has some projects she is working on, so she told me she was getting up to get started on those projects. I told her not to think I was crazy, but that I was going to go mow the yard. She kind of looked at me weird. Knowing that it is useless to argue with me when I have made up my mind about something she simply said, "ok".

Now, I knew that I had to be in the showe to get ready for work by 7:45am. That gave me a little over an hour to do the yard. On a normal day it takes just about an hour to finish. I was a little nervous that one of our neighbors were going to call "noise control" on us. But then I figured I would just take my chance. I was willing to do anything so that I didn't have to mow at 5pm today when the sun was at it's hottest.

It was very pleasant while I was mowing. It was already pretty humid, but the temps were only in the mid 60's. I wasted no time and when I got done it was only 7:30am. Wow, not only did I mow it in record time, but I still had 25 minutes left over to watch a little of Good Morning America.

Laura spent her first day off (after working a little at home) at the pool. She called me and said she could get used to the lifestyle of going to the pool. She said she even made a friend at the pool. I guess she befriended some lady at the pool that was there with her 3 young kids. Damn, I am jealous. Why didn't I become a teacher???

Random Thoughts

Since last Thursday I have been testing my sugars 2x a day now. Since Thursday we have also been eating better adding the all important veggies and taking out the enemey in this situation..sugar. And I am happy to report that my sugars are coming way down. I am testing my sugars in the morning (before eating) and then 2 hours after dinner. It has become part of my routine during the day now. Testing 2x a day really makes me think twice of what I am eating. In order to be within normal ranges my sugars need to be below 120 in the morning and below 180 after a meal. On Friday my sugars were 139 in the morning and then 208 two hours after our dinner. Yesterday my sugars were 145 in the morning and then after dinner they were 114. Mine tend to be higher in the morning for some reason. I was shocked to see the 114 last night after dinner. I tested twice to make sure it was correct. I keep asking Laura if I can test her sugars, but she is being a big baby and is afraid of the needle. Actually it doesn't hurt that much. I am suppose to change the needle everytime, but I have been using it 2-3 times. Those little suckers are expensive. I have noticed that the more I use the needle the more it hurts when it pokes me.

On Sunday we made our usual trip to Walmart for groceries. As we were pulling out I turned to Laura and said,"there's my Mom's car." Right then my Mom and my 12 year old nephew came walking out of the store. I said Hi to my nephew and my Mom looked over smiling and the noticed it was me and turned around and stopped smiling. I very politely said, "Hi Mom". Without looking at me she said, "hello". We then drove off. A few things here. 1) It was Sunday morning at 10:45am. Why wasn't my Mom in church? If her religion has suddenly become so important then why isn't she in church? I know for a fact that her church is from 10am-noon. Interesting. 2) My brother is currently fighting for full custody of my 12 year old nephew. Now, my nephew's Mother has been the only person supporting my nephew his entire life. She has never been able to depend on my brother for anything. I saw my Mom and nephew two weeks ago and then this past Sunday. Why is my nephew spending all his weekends with my parents when it's my brothers weekend? As usual my brother has let his oldest son down. Thank goodness for my nephew's Mom. At least with her my nephew has a chance at being a heathly adult. I think currently my brother is at least $10,000 behind in child support. He cant' support just himself let alone 4 kids.

Peggy Smith

I have always known I was adopted. My parents never hide that fact from me and I greatly appreciate that. As long as I can remember I thought about my birthmom. I thought about what she looked like, what kind of person she was, etc. After my ex and I got married I really started thinking more and more about my birth mom. I decided I would try to find some information about her. I went to the county where I was born and requested any paperwork on my adoption. I was informed that anyone over the age of 21 can request their adooption paperwork in the state of Kansas. (where I was born) I remember going to the courthouse to request the paperwork. I was so nervous. I filled out the paperwork and the lady said that it would be mailed to me in 7-10 days. About a week later I received a packet in the mail from the courhouse. In the packet was 10 pages of documents regarding my adoption.

I found the paperwork fasinating. I learned my birthmothers name. Her name is Peggy Smith. At first I really excited, but then I realized that that is a very, very common name. I learned so much information about what she looked like, her family and why I was put up for adoption. My birthmother at the time of my birth had light brown hair and blue eyes. Huh, sounds like me. I learned that my birthmother had a twin sister. I thought that was the neatest thing. Knowing that twins usually skip a generation, if I ever decide to have children the possibilty of me having tiwns is great. I always learned that no one in my family was about 5'5 including my birth father. So, being 5'4, I am actually very tall for the family.

The paperwork revealed that my birthmom/dad had a relationship after he got out of the service and she got pregnant. They decided not to marry and my birthmom decided to give me a better chance at life she would put me up for adoption. At the time of my birth my birthmom was 24 and my birthfather was 25. That is considered old for putting a baby up for adoption.

Today is my birthmom's birthday. I have searched for her, but have been unsuccessful. I did find someone in Minnesotoa that might have been her, but whoever it was that I talked to said she was not the Peggy Smith I was looking for. I have my doubts and maybe she just wasn't ready to meet me.

I am thankful for my birthmom for giving me life. In January of 1973 (5 months before I was born) abortion became legal. My birthmother could have easily "done away" with me. I am grateful that she gave me a chance at life. Happy Birthday Peggy Smith.

Camping and Birthday Pictures

Our computer is up and running again. I guess there was a little "glinch" with windows, but it is all fixed now and we are running better then ever. Here are some pictures from our camping trip last weekend as well as my birthday.
Here I am eating a smores. I think I look horrible in this picture, but remember we are camping and I am not meant to look like I just came out of the beauty salon.
Here is our campsite. Notice how close the water is? It was just a short walk down to go swimming. We by far had the best campsite on the lake.
Another view. My favorite camping gear was this OFF lanturn we bought. Not only did it provide us with some light, but it kept the bugs away. Again, isn't it a beautiful view.
Here is my fire. I was so damn proud of this fire. Remember, it took us all day to get it going due to it being windy.
Here's the birthday girl. Once a year I can drag Laura to one of my favorite Mexican restuarants "On the Border". If you look closely you will see a tear drop in my eye. I know that it will be another year before she lets us go back.
Here I am blowing out my b-day candles. Not only did my cake look it, it was indeed good.
Here's my b-day cake up close. Notice the theme? Casino. I thought it was very cleaver since the casino has become my new hobby.

Fun in the Sun

My stressful week became more stressful Wednesday when we realized we were unable to get onto AOL at home. We have Roadrunner, but use AOL to get online. We aren't able to get online using AOL or Internet Explorer. We spent 4 hours last night going back and forth between Time Warner and AOL. What was frustrating was we would talk to AOL and they would say, "you need to speak with Time Warner". We would then speak with Time Warner and they would say, "You need to speak with AOL." 4 hours of this and I was spent. Finally I called Time Warner, and after being on hold for 35 minutes I got through to someone and said, "I need a service call". Luckily we were able to get a service call for this Saturday. Let's pray that they are able to help us and fix this problem. I had plans on uploading my pictures from camping this week, but due to not being able to get online once I am home, the pictures will come as soon as possible.

Last night due to the stress from AOL and Time Warner I was thinking I need to try one of my destresser pills. I took it and within 45 minutes I was calmer and not feeling anxious. I also slept very well last night not waking up once. It was wonderful.

This has been a very busy week. I am so happy and thankful that today is Friday. Laura and I are planning on a very low key weekend. Besides Time Warner coming out tomorrow, we don't plan on doing much of anything. I know we are planning at least one day at the pool We are expecting wonderful weather and perfect weather for the pool.

So here's to a weekend filled with lots of fun in the sun.

Become

This is the song that has gotten me through the last few weeks. It is from The Goo Goo Dolls and the song is entitled "Become".

There's so much more about you that you never let them see.
You turn away, but not to me
And I know how they tried to take you
Held you up and meant to break you down.
But you can't be
For so long I tried to reach you
I know I'm almost there
I'm close enough for you to see
You've been hiding in the shadows
Have you forgotten how we used to dream
Let me remind you
The light doesn't blind you at all
it just helps you see
Can you see

Yeah you have become
Yeah you have become beautiful

And I can't be the stranger
That's been sleeping in your bed just
Turn around and come to me
I feel all the pain inside
And everything you been denied you feel
It's all you feel
You've been hiding in the shadows
Have you forgotten how we used to dream
Let me remind you
The light doesn't blind you at all
It helps you see
Can you see

Yeah you have become beautiful
Yeah you have become beautiful

Brush back your hair and look around you
Feeling like the truth has found you here
You're here with me
Let love become the mirror
With no fear where you're from

You have become beautiful

Xanax, Diabetes and an Audience

Well this morning was my doctors appointment. I guess overall it went ok. The last couple of weeks I have had some pretty good anxiety. I think running into my Mother really jolted my emotions. About four years ago I was suffering from some pretty bad anxiety and I was given Xanax. I only took it for a few months and it really did help me calm down. Not only is it anxiety, but I feel there is some OCD as well. I will get my mind set on something and not quit until that is done. Laura refers these to my "ADD" moments. So, this morning I went in wanting to ask the doctor for Xanax. Working in the addictions field I know how doctors look down on xanax because of it being addictive. I was hoping they would trust me that I am not addicted to it and kindly give me the RX for it. As I talked with the nurse practionioner she was going through a list of other meds that would also help with anxiety. I explained my worry of the side effects of taking something every day. I just need something that I can take on the days when I am feeling more worried then others. After talking with the Dr., he said no to the xanax and gave me a RX for something else that should help. Let's hope so.

As I was driving to work I became very angry. I am a person with NO addictions at all and I am telling the Dr. what works best for me and they still say no. Hell, I work in the addcitions field and I know that xanax is very, veyr addcitive, but I am not addicted to it. It's not something I need everyday, just those days where I feel more anxious. It's just like when you go to the drug store to get sudafed for allergies and you have to give them your drivers license and personal information. I don't know, it just kind of made me angry.

I was also given a wake-up call about my diabetes. They are now having me check my sugar levels 2x a day. I guess I didn't take it that serious since I was not checking my sugars, but now that they are more serious about it, maybe I will be also. I know not taking care of this can cause life long damage to my entire body.

The orginal reason I went to the doctor was for my "well woman" check up. I didn't realize that there was going to be a student nurse in for the exam. I think if I had known that I might have come up with a reason to cancel the appointment. :) It's odd having your pap smear and hearing a play by play of what is going. At one point my nurse said to the student nurse, "do you see her cervix?" The student nurse then bent over to look and said very enthusically "Oh, yeah!" Talk about embarresing. The exam didn't end fast enough. Thank God, I don't have to go through that for at least another year.